I think she might want me back...

[Ginger Beer]

I agree with what you're saying though, if this was a ''local'' relationship then I would've spoke in person.

 

What do you think? Best to go in NC now or?

[smudge21]

Why go NC when this all started because you were NC and she came back. What would going NC do for you now? Think about it.

 

Personally, I would (after those texts) say something like well as she's so busy and finding it hard (which may very well be 100% accurate, like I keep saying, you don't know) you both just take it as it comes. You clearly like each other and want to get together at some point, so just keep it casual. Make some plans and meet up. She knows you want to talk and that time will come, you'll know when it's right to bring it up.

 

I still very much see this as something new - like a couple meeting for the first time. I think you're expecting something magical or amazing to happen, or maybe for her to take charge and really move this forward. That may not happen, but at least you are chatting and clearly both enjoying it. Remember that even though she ended it before, coming back is just as hard for her as it is for you.

 

Continue chatting, plan a get together and be honest with how you feel. No lies. Stop seeing everything as a negative.

[Ginger Beer]

Why go NC when this all started because you were NC and she came back. What would going NC do for you now? Think about it.

 

Personally, I would (after those texts) say something like well as she's so busy and finding it hard (which may very well be 100% accurate, like I keep saying, you don't know) you both just take it as it comes. You clearly like each other and want to get together at some point, so just keep it casual. Make some plans and meet up. She knows you want to talk and that time will come, you'll know when it's right to bring it up.

 

I still very much see this as something new - like a couple meeting for the first time. I think you're expecting something magical or amazing to happen, or maybe for her to take charge and really move this forward. That may not happen, but at least you are chatting and clearly both enjoying it. Remember that even though she ended it before, coming back is just as hard for her as it is for you.

 

Continue chatting, plan a get together and be honest with how you feel. No lies. Stop seeing everything as a negative.

 

I'm not being negative or anything mate, it's just confusing. You're saying I should carry on as normal?

 

I think I was honest, I thought I did alright last night.

 

Also she basically said she doesn't have time for ''us''?

[smudge21]

Well if that's the case, the you need to ask her why she came back to you if she hasn't got time for you. I agree you don't need this messing around, but I still think there's more here that can be worked on rather then just walking away.

 

Tell her you need to talk and sort this out. Arrange it properly and whether it's over the phone or in person, get everything out in the open. Until this happens, it will be confusing.

 

If you are honestly thinking about walking away again, then you really have nothing to lose by trying to sort this out.

[Fufu]

Both of you need a proper talk. Find one day when both of you are free and available and start talking real about the relationship.

 

Reconciliation is not as easy as we thought. Without communication and listening to one another's feelings, unpleasant things can surface out again.

 

Ask her what does she mean by she doesn't have anytime for you.

 

If she is half-hearted to be with you again, my suggestion is to seek NC again. Reason being: Will you really be happy in this relationship if she is being half-hearted to work things out with you and walk the journey with you.

[Ginger Beer]

Well if that's the case, the you need to ask her why she came back to you if she hasn't got time for you. I agree you don't need this messing around, but I still think there's more here that can be worked on rather then just walking away.

 

Tell her you need to talk and sort this out. Arrange it properly and whether it's over the phone or in person, get everything out in the open. Until this happens, it will be confusing.

 

If you are honestly thinking about walking away again, then you really have nothing to lose by trying to sort this out.

 

I do feel like asking this. Thing is mate, she's an attention seeker and it makes me think it's never gonna work. For example, on the phone to her in the week she said ''I got drunk last night and got my tits out in public'', why would a girl do that? I don't want a girlfriend who does things like that.

 

She has been a flirt since we first got together, complimenting other boys, telling me she meets other boys when she goes out clubbing but only as friends ''I met two boxers last night'' for example. I admit I sometimes look on this with a negative approach but I can't help it, she never does anything to make me think I'm that important to her. She absolutely loves attention from other boys. This is why I'm always unsure of things.

 

Both of you need a proper talk. Find one day when both of you are free and available and start talking real about the relationship.

 

Reconciliation is not as easy as we thought. Without communication and listening to one another's feelings, unpleasant things can surface out again.

 

Ask her what does she mean by she doesn't have anytime for you.

 

If she is half-hearted to be with you again, my suggestion is to seek NC again. Reason being: Will you really be happy in this relationship if she is being half-hearted to work things out with you and walk the journey with you.

 

I haven't looked at my phone since she text on Sunday morning to tell me ''message from *friend's name*, tell Ginger Beer to get Facebook again so we can talk about football and I miss him. And are you coming to London? xxxxxxx'' think she was asking the London bit although both probably asked and she's trying to ask without it coming from her if you get me.

 

Not spoken to her in two days. I may decide to look at my phone tonight and see if she's text at all. I have another friend who is a girl, we are very close friends and she helps me a lot and she tells me that she thinks this girl is a slut and I deserve better, I see where she's coming from.

 

I am unsure of whether to have a talk with her or just leave it and go NC?

[Fufu]

It doesn't sound to me that she's enthusiastic to talk and work things out with you.

 

If a couple is willing to work things out to be with each other again, they will be serious, willing and enthusiastic for the relationship to grow again, it will be something like when you get into a relationship with the girl you like in the beginning.

 

You may try one final time and ask her if she wants to talk. If she says no time, seek NC.

 

If she says don't know, or give you those half-hearted answers, seek NC too.

[geegirl]

She plays mind games with you, flirts with other men and likes to show her tities.

 

You say you don't want a girlfriend like this.

 

I'm confused.

[smudge21]

My ex did that, but that was her job... but she was also a terrible flirt, loved the attention, loved to be wanted (I think partly due to her childhood when she was very much alone). It all depends on whether it is only flirting and whether you trust her. If these are concerns then they also need addressing.

 

The way I see this, you're in a good place right now. You're in a position of re-starting something with this girl but before you do, things need to be said on both sides. So now is the time to clear everything up. Get it all out and sorted before any relationship can continue.

 

As for the flirting and attention seeking, well if you look back maybe that was something that attracted you to her. I don't know, but did she flirt and show you attention to get you interested. If so, you can't knock her for acting that way, but you can tell her how you feel about it if she's really serious about having a relationship with you. Just put it to her about how she would feel if you two were together and you said you got your **** out in public or met up with two nude models...

[Fufu]

She plays mind games with you, flirts with other men and likes to show her tities.

 

You say you don't want a girlfriend like this.

 

I'm confused.

 

 

I'm confused too..

[smudge21]

I'm confused too..

 

It all depends on how she is when in a relationship. I'm a terrible flirt, even when in a relationship, but I know when to stop. It's more of a funny thing. Any signs it will get serious I back off.

 

This girl may well be a flirt and a bit outrageous but if she's single then why not, she's just having fun. Of course, if she's like this whilst with someone and that someone has expressed how they feel about it, then she should respect their wishes and calm it down a bit.

 

I also think that often flirting is open to question as simply talking and having a laugh with someone of the opposite sex can be considered flirting by some.

[geegirl]

Flirting is one thing. Showing your tits to men is another. It speaks highly of your character, values and morals.

 

Aside from that, Ginger claims to not want to be with a woman like that. That's the confusion.

[Ginger Beer]

I don't, and in an ideal world I wouldn't pick a girl like that but you can't help who you fall for, can you?

 

I've had 2-3 days away from my phone and I text her to ask if we can speak tonight, just waiting for her to reply (she's at work).

 

So tonight would be a good time to bring up what exactly? The flirting thing and why did she come back to me if she doesn't have time for me?

 

I always forget what I'm supposed to bring up before these sort of discussions and then I think there isn't actually a problem and it's just me.

[geegirl]

I don't, and in an ideal world I wouldn't pick a girl like that but you can't help who you fall for, can you?

 

I've had 2-3 days away from my phone and I text her to ask if we can speak tonight, just waiting for her to reply (she's at work).

 

So tonight would be a good time to bring up what exactly? The flirting thing and why did she come back to me if she doesn't have time for me?

 

I always forget what I'm supposed to bring up before these sort of discussions and then I think there isn't actually a problem and it's just me.

 

You can't help who you fall for. You are right. But that doesn't mean that you settle for someone who goes against everything you want in a woman just because you love them. I love my cheating ex boyfriend to death but does that mean I should go back to him, no. Because he would take me back in a heartbeat.

 

You are thinking with your heart. Love is not enough. There's much more that is required to build a strong relationship and a strong foundation. Your first step is finding the person that matches your values and desires, not settling for someone just because you love them.

[Ginger Beer]

OK then, so basically, we talked.

 

It's over.

 

The main points I'd like to mention are:

 

- She says the reason she came back for me was because she missed me and realised how much I cared about her.

 

- She wants me to move to where she lives and to be with her but she knows it can't happen.

 

- She just came out and told me this, so she was being honest, I think so anyway.

 

- Her view of relationships has changed, she thinks to herself ''I wish Ginger Beer could come for dinner today'' or ''I wish Ginger Beer could meet me from work'' and those sorts of things and she says that it frustrates her that I'm not there. She hates LDR's.

 

- She wants to be with me one day.

 

- She's torn between what to do.

 

- She's always going to like me.

 

- She said ''earlier I was talking to a friend at work, she's really hung up on her ex and I was like 'I've got someone who really cares about me and wouldn't cheat' and I felt like something inside of me, like a good feeling like relieved'' this made me feel nice.

 

- She thinks she will regret this decision tomorrow and she is going to miss me loads.

 

I said it's OK, it's not fair on both of us and I agreed it's not working. We were both crying. I said she hurt me the last time we spoke and it was wrong for her to just end the conversation and go to bed and leave me hanging. She apologised.

 

I'm going NC again because I can't be friends with her. I have tried to make this work, I have tried my best, I don't hate her or anything, I understand where she's coming from about the distance. Maybe in a few days I'll be angry about something but at the moment I'm just heartbroken. Is it possible to be heartbroken in a good way? In a way that I'm happy I've known her and she's been honest? That's how I feel. I feel so hurt at the moment but I'm accepting it.

 

It's a strange feeling.

Edited May 10, 2011 by Ginger Beer

[getsback]

OK then, so basically, we talked.

 

It's over.

 

The main points I'd like to mention are:

 

- She says the reason she came back for me was because she missed me and realised how much I cared about her.

 

- She wants me to move to where she lives and to be with her but she knows it can't happen.

 

- She just came out and told me this, so she was being honest, I think so anyway.

 

- Her view of relationships has changed, she thinks to herself ''I wish Ginger Beer could come for dinner today'' or ''I wish Ginger Beer could meet me from work'' and those sorts of things and she says that it frustrates her that I'm not there. She hates LDR's.

 

- She wants to be with me one day.

 

- She's torn between what to do.

 

- She's always going to like me.

 

- She said ''earlier I was talking to a friend at work, she's really hung up on her ex and I was like 'I've got someone who really cares about me and wouldn't cheat' and I felt like something inside of me, like a good feeling like relieved'' this made me feel nice.

 

- She thinks she will regret this decision tomorrow and she is going to miss me loads.

 

I said it's OK, it's not fair on both of us and I agreed it's not working. We were both crying. I said she hurt me the last time we spoke and it was wrong for her to just end the conversation and go to bed and leave my hanging. She apologised.

 

I'm going NC again because I can't be friends with her. I have tried to make this work, I have tried my best, I don't hate her or anything, I understand where she's coming from about the distance. Maybe in a few days I'll be angry about something but at the moment I'm just heartbroken. Is it possible to be heartbroken in a good way? In a way that I'm happy I've known her and she's been honest? That's how I feel. I feel so hurt at the moment but I'm accepting it.

 

It's a strange feeling.

 

I know exactly what you mean. Its heartbreaking not being able to be with the person you love. But at the same time its nice to know they love you back and that all hope is not lost. You know you can get on with your life and in the future you may still get to be with that person.

 

I have a feeling whatever happens, things will be a lot easier for you from now on.

[Ginger Beer]

I know exactly what you mean. Its heartbreaking not being able to be with the person you love. But at the same time its nice to know they love you back and that all hope is not lost. You know you can get on with your life and in the future you may still get to be with that person.

 

I have a feeling whatever happens, things will be a lot easier for you from now on.

 

Thanks man, it's nice to know someone knows what I'm on about.

 

Hopefully now I can get back to eating and sleeping properly.

[Leda]

There's really no way you can arrange to see each other in person a lot more while in a LDR, and give her a firm time frame where, afterwards, you will both be together in the same place?

 

I don't understand the LDR thing AT ALL, as you can see from my previous posts. To me, it's not a relationship at all...I might as well write myself notes and read them alone. The only way it makes sense is as a very, very temporary situation that you both agree is horrible. It sounds like this girl really does want to be with you.

[smudge21]

Sorry to hear that Beer ol' friend, really hoped it could've worked out for you, but it does sound like she really does want you and who knows, in time it may happen. Every circumstance changes and you never know what's round the corner. I do honestly believe she does want to be with you but the situation prevents that.

 

I think NC will be tough for you both as you're breaking up because of LDR not over anything emotional, so the feelings are still there and may get stronger over time. What I'm saying is, I don't think this is the last time you'll be posting about her.

 

Been good chatting and keep us informed.

[Fufu]

I hope you really seek NC for yourself.

 

To me LDR is still a relationship.

 

Anyway, my ex-bf also said the similar words to me that he doesn't like LDR. You know what I think about it, "he has a change in heart."

 

A person who truly loves you will not mind even if you are in a different universe.

 

She has to do think deep thinking herself, for yourself, just move forward

[Leda]

A person who truly loves you will not mind even if you are in a different universe.

 

 

 

I think almost the opposite--a person who truly loves you will move mountains to make sure that you two are physically together in the same place.

 

If a situation happens where being together would take away important life opportunities from both people (example: he gets into MIT, she is already starting her second year at the Sorbonne), then it's about both people making a firm future plan that involves seeing each other in person as often as possible, and having a fixed time when they will be back together for real.

[Ginger Beer]

Sorry to hear that Beer ol' friend, really hoped it could've worked out for you, but it does sound like she really does want you and who knows, in time it may happen. Every circumstance changes and you never know what's round the corner. I do honestly believe she does want to be with you but the situation prevents that.

 

I think NC will be tough for you both as you're breaking up because of LDR not over anything emotional, so the feelings are still there and may get stronger over time. What I'm saying is, I don't think this is the last time you'll be posting about her.

 

Been good chatting and keep us informed.

 

Same.

 

This time NC feels way harder because we're on good terms, I have been thinking maybe we should just stay in touch because I do still want to speak to her. I know I'll end up getting hurt though so that's probably a bad idea.

[Ginger Beer]

The penny has just dropped about something.

 

She has mentioned about 5 or 6 times since we were speaking again to move to where she lives. She also asked me to go to uni there (she knows I want to go to uni).

 

It now makes sense why she asked me to come to London the other day.

 

During our talk she actually asked me to move 3 or 4 times, not in a question way, she just would say ''I wish you'd move''. I think she was pretty much begging. I only just realised.

 

I feel a bit silly now.

[smudge21]

I'd say you have some thinking to do. Go NC, stay friends, move and be with her... You have your options and I think only you can make that decision. Good luck with whatever you decide.

 

I will say that, coming from my own recent break up, when you part in a good way and are still being nice it's so much harder. You both know that there's something still there and you both know that if one texts the other, that door will be opened again. If you do intend to go NC again on her, then be prepared for that.

 

As I said, this is your decision, but we can offer advice. You clearly have very strong feelings for her, so you need to picture your life in say a years time; either with or without her. Moving to be with her is a big committment, but maybe it's one you do want to make... only you know that answer.

[Fufu]

I think almost the opposite--a person who truly loves you will move mountains to make sure that you two are physically together in the same place.

 

If a situation happens where being together would take away important life opportunities from both people (example: he gets into MIT, she is already starting her second year at the Sorbonne), then it's about both people making a firm future plan that involves seeing each other in person as often as possible, and having a fixed time when they will be back together for real.

 

It makes sense too.

 

If a person doesn't even want LDR then in a way they won't move mountains to be with the person physically.