20-month-old toddler tantrums - what's normal??

[Miss_G]

I have a 20-month-old son who is driving me demented!! He can be the nicest most placid little boy who is full of beans, giggly and excitable...the next he is an aggressive, angry mentalist!! As soon as he hears the word 'no' he throws himself on the floor kicking and screaming. Sometimes we're in a shop or at a playarea and other times he'll get down on the pavement! I don't know what to do with him as, if I try to make him stand up he goes limp and if I pick him up he is head-butting or slapping. And they hurt! They are very aggressive and can cause me or anybody else trying to contain him injuries. He's burst my lip and bruised me cheek several times.

He plays well with other kids and rarely hurts. Even when he does hit out they're only a light tap to show his frustration. He's a mauler and does have a tendency to wrestle kids but that's all done in fun. It just seems to be adults he rebels against.

His vocab is limited so I realise most of this is lack of ability to communicate but he is doing it 4 or 5 times a day! He does settle quite quickly but is getting very stressed out when he's tantrumming.

I'm wondering how much is normal. He is my first child so my experience is limited. I work with children with behavioural difficulties but they are much older than mine. I wonder whether I'm paranoid and I'm reading too much into it.

Is it normal for a toddler his age to being so angry at times? And are they usually so physical? What do you suggest I do to curb it? I tried work techniques like ignoring him but he will literally chase me around the house! I try to tell him NO firmly and say "hitting/biting/scratching is NOT ok!" I've been told that eventually this will sink in! He just seems to be getting worse though! How do you know if his behaviour is becoming more severe than just tantrums?

[oldguy]

It sounds like more of a question of tolerable rather than normal. It sounds like there is more going on here. If you work with children who have behavioral issues it sounds like you may have access to professionals that are closer to this situation that may be able to help you.

 

Hitting, biting, slapping, throwing tantrums on a regular basis is a problem.

First of all. what ever you are doing as a reaction is favorable to him or he wouldn't continue.

 

So first of all this action is getting the attention or at least the reaction he is looking for.

 

Take a realistic look at his environment, are there other people acting out?

[KikiW]

I might bring it up with his pediatrician. Explain what is setting him off, and what tactics you have taken to control the outbursts. Perhaps they can help you come up with some additional tactics to try.

 

It must be very scary to see your child lose control of himself to the point where he is striking you.

 

I recall when my daughter was very young, just pre-verbal, she would get INCREDIBLY frustrated because she couldn't communicate. There were times we simply said "if you continue this way you will lose your [favorite stuffed animal]", and we would continue taking her next favorite thing away until she got control of herself. The key was following through - actually taking the item away. Yes, she would start to get hysterical, but after the 2nd item got taken, she started to get the idea that her behavior was not getting her what she wanted. I remember only ever taking everything out of her bed (stuffed animals and fuzzy blankets) only twice. That tactic worked very well and it was amazing how quickly she started using words and remaining calm after that.

[cmh2002]

I think your son is a fairly normal child. My youngest turns 3 later this month and she was like that around your sons age. I just showed her immediately that I won't tolerate the behavior. She is not perfect by any means but she is a fairly well behaved child. I know when my daughter throws fits its usually from frustration as her vocab is still pretty limited. My daughter use to also throw fits when out in public to see if she would get away with things and she never did. I would put her in time out at the mall or wherever we were to show her it won't be tolerated at any time. Now her dad on the other hand is horrible about disciplining her. She knows he doesn't punish her and stick to what he tells her. Be consistent, calm and explain to him what he is doing wrong and he will catch on Good luck. BTW I have a boy who will be 9 in less than a month who has behavior issues and he was WAY worse than ur son I think ur son is just the typical toddler. My son has been diagnosed with sensory intergration disorder, ADHD, ODD and educationally diagnosed with Autism.

[dreamingoftigers]

Yes it is normal. Mine is right around the age marker and started throwing temper tantrums like that, she had thrown the phone in my face and kicked me in the head! You wouldn't think from that innocent little photo in my avatar that she has it in her, the best thing is to make sure that you don't emotionally over-react. Right now I ask her if I hurt her feelings and sometimes she says "yeah" then I ask her if she wants a hug, sometimes yes, sometimes "NO."

 

It's cute but trying....

 

Today she didn't want to get dressed and was kicking/screaming. Eventually I just said "do you want to go play with Jordyn at dayhome."

 

"Yeah"

 

"Well then you need changed (her diaper, she calls it "changed") and you need boots and socks, and then you see Jordyn."

 

Temper stopped and little girl focused and got her socks and boots on. Sometimes they just need a little incentive. She just turned 22 months

[SweetD]

Can I just say OH HOW I RELATE TO THIS POST!! Haha.

 

I swear being a first time mom to a toddler all I can keep asking is "Is this behavior normal or is my child exceptionally nuts?":D And I have second-guessed my parenting skills too many times to count because I will be very consistant and firm and things dont change or fix themselves as quickly as I might have hoped.

 

Let me say now that my daughter is almost three, the freaking out, kicking, biting tantrums are completely gone. She will still throw tantrums from time to time, but if we are in public I can pull her somewhere discreet and "reason" with her (like telling her we will have to leave if this behavior continues) and it usually stops. This is because her language skills are a litte more up to speed now. Twenty months old is a rough time because, like you said, there is a lot of language frustration.

 

Now my daughter screams and gets extremely whiny when she is frustrated or wants her way. It is yet another hurdle to get over and I keep telling myself "this too shall pass." To answer your question, your sons behavior is generally normal. You need to make sure that you aren't going to stores when he is tired, or been strapped in a car seat all day.

 

One more tip, I've found giving my toddler lots of opportunity for excersise time and limiting Tv helps them get their wiggles, energy and aggressiveness out. Hope this helps!

[Miss_G]

Thank you all so much for the advice and your personal stories! I feel much better now! I do believe my son is normal as his tantrums seem to be the same as other peoples children when I have spoken to other mums. It is exceptionally hard being a first time parent as you constantly question your skills as a parent.

He does seem to be learning and people keep telling me that if I am consistant with him and stick to my guns he will eventually learn that 'no' means 'NO!' I think it all comes down to life experiences for him. He is only a babba at the end of the day! He hasn't even been on this earth 2-years!

Yesterday he was climbing our coffee table (which is a little unsteady) and he was standing upright, big grin on face, quite clearly wanting a reaction from me, (I have noticed that he will do things HE thinks could be naughty, banging his toys together, etc, and will immediately turn to look at me...I think he is looking to see if Mummy is mad or happy). Anyway, I went over and said firmly 'NO! Mummy doesn't want you to do that because you might fall and hurt yourself!" (The health-visitor encouraged me to talk simply but normally to him as he will understand far more than he can say). I placed him on the floor. He immediately laughed and climbed back on again, grinning. I went back again and just said "NO" (a Supernanny technique I picked up!) He did it again, and again, and again. I continued to emotionlessly take him down and just say "no" giving him no facial reaction. Eventually, he fell. He didn't hurt himself but he did shock himself and cry. I cuddled him and sat him down and explain that was WHY Mummy didn't want him to climb the table. He settled and went to climb it AGAIN except this time more tentively. I ignored him this time. And he got down and carried on playing.

It takes time but hopefully I'll get there. I'll keep you all posted on how the little monkey develops

[DaisyLeigh]

Sounds normal to me. I would bust my boys' bottoms when they would not stop with the bad behavior. BUT, no matter what your discipline method, just be consistent. Keep it up and he will learn.

[sb129]

My daughter is 18mths and while she has generally been pretty easy going up until now but I have noticed that she is starting to test her boundaries more and more.

 

She does get grumpy if she is tired or hungry, so I try to make sure that we don't go out around meal or sleep or if we are out I have a healthy lunch/snack to hand.

 

Frustration also plays a part- toddlers hate being confined to pushchairs or carseats for extended lengths of time, so we try to keep that to a minimum or have books/ toys etc as distractions- I have noticed that this seems to be more effective with girls though, my friends son who is the same age isn't as easy to distract. He used to be a mauler and wrestler with other kids and his parents got very very tough with him and he is much better now.

 

Luckily for us our daughter is quite verbal for her age and can say stuck, snack, milk, juice, please and ta (thank you) among other things so that does help, I think not being able to verbalise must be really awful for younger toddlers as they understand so much more than they can say. That was one reason why I thought about learning baby sign language but we didn't ever get around to it and I think its probably too late now as she can talk.

 

My daughter definitely understands no and we also punish her by warning her that we will take things away (and following through) if she ignores us when we tell her no or not to do something. We use an uh-ah sound for no as its what we used to train our dog, and someone told me something about not overusing no (can't quite remember why) and now when we say that noise they both respond!

Consistency is definitely important- toddlers need routine and boundaries and they need to learn that their actions (both good and bad) have consequences.

 

Its not easy though! Toddlers are HARD WORK!

I totally underestimated how set my daughter was in her bedtime routine etc, we had to share a room at a friends house the other night and unfortunately I woke her up when i got up to go to the bathroom, what a bloody nightmare as soon as she realised Mummy was sleeping in the same room she threw the most almighty tantrum until I let her in bed with me and I gave in so as to avoid waking the other kids in the house- she thought it was party time and wasn't interested in sleeping, so I would put her back in her cot only to repeat the drama.

Three hours of to-ing and fro-ing later she finally fell asleep in my arms and I lay dozing too scared to move in case she woke up again! It was a DISASTER. Of course everyone was exhausted the next day....

 

Never again will I share a room with her I will sleep on the floor before I do that again!

[dreamingoftigers]

There were some nights where my husband was away and I brought my daughter in to sleep with me. AWFUL! She kicks, rolls crawls and then sleeps sideways on the bed.

[sb129]

There were some nights where my husband was away and I brought my daughter in to sleep with me. AWFUL! She kicks, rolls crawls and then sleeps sideways on the bed.

 

Its the absolute pits...

 

Its OK if she comes in at 5am occasionally for a couple of hours- but the whole night, no way.

[dreamingoftigers]

I forgot to mention, I have photos of my keyboard up on my profile, that is her handywork. Toddlers are fun.

[highviolet]

Just wanted to reiterate; I think your son is normal, some children are more high strung and willfull. Parents of non willfull children will never understand and will always think that either there is something wrong with your kid, or something wrong with you! I have 2 boys, one is 3 1/2, one is 1 1/2. The older boy being my first, and being the more defiant, willfull one has tantrums like yours, I thought I was a bad mommy! Now I know it is just his personality, as my youngest is laid back and more wants to be the mommy pleaser than the rebel. Every child is different.

 

I now use time outs on OS, which work well, but he will always test me, so I have to be consistent. Just find something that works for you, and if your son is like mine, be prepared to always follow through because he will test you forever. He may never be the type to obey just to obey. But whatever works. Just don't reward bad behavior by giving in, it will make it 10 times worse!

 

Good luck and don't fret!

[highviolet]

There were some nights where my husband was away and I brought my daughter in to sleep with me. AWFUL! She kicks, rolls crawls and then sleeps sideways on the bed.

 

 

OMG, my husband created a monster with our 18 month old, he insisted on bringing him into our bed when he would wake in the night (so as not to wake the 3 yo), and now we can't get him to sleep by himself or to stay in his crib for more than a couple hours at night!

 

He either takes up all the room and like yours sleeps sideways, or he wants to cuddle so close that he just lays on you and holds you hostage in weird uncomfortable positions! It's so cute, yet so damn frustrating... Ah toddlers.

[dreamingoftigers]

And then there was the day where she crawled out of her crib and came and got me in the morning.

[Art_Critic]

So normal.. mine was a knee beater.. he would beat his knees on the doors and walls to the point of pretty bad bruising if we didn't give him what he wanted or even just waking up from a nap while the door was closed....

 

It was phase, lasted about 2 months.. The Dr just told us that our job was to keep him safe.. pad the doors..

[Miss_G]

Nobody writes this stage in the nice baby books do they?

He is still tantruming but interestingly, I collected him from Nursery yesterday and mentioned to his carer what his behaviour was like there. I was expecting "oh he's been awful", especially as he was INSIDE and all the other children were OUTSIDE enjoying the sunshine (and he LOVES being outside). I thought maybe he was on 'time out'. Get this! She tells me he's an ANGEL and does exactly as he's told. And he was simply inside because he didn't want to go outside. I then took him to my friend's home (his Godmother) and her mum was there. I told him it was time to go home and he immediately threw himself on the floor (she lives opposite a park and he saw the swings!!). Her mum came over and simply lifted him off the floor. The tantrum STOPPED straight away! I have come to the conclusion that it is all because I am his mother. My mum told me apparently my brother & I were the same with our mum and our Auntie. Perfect for Auntie, horrible for mum!

He is in good habits apart from the tantrums. I'm not lacksidaiscal with him. He has a great bedtime rountine and goes into bed awake and falls sleep by himself (I usually give him a book and he has a baby bedtime projector that puts lights on the ceiling and plays music quietly, BEST idea I ever had, I reccommend it to all parents!)

In terms of the sleeping, me & LO dad split 7 months or so ago. I think I mothered LO a bit too much and when he had a phase of wanting to get in bed with me I would let him. He too would lie sideways, on top of me...sometimes I would wake to him licking my cheek and laughing when it got to the point were he was physically pushing me out of bed for more space he went BACK in the cot! He's quite laidback in that sense, he will have phases of waking in the middle of the night but then will suddenly start sleeping through again. I put that down to him going to sleep alone. I did get into a craze of putting him to sleep in my arms/bed and transferring him. BAD IDEA!!

Like I said at the beginning, you don't see this side to innocent little newborns. A good friend of mine and her fiance are planning on trying for a baby after they get married this summer...they Sunday afternoon with my LO and decided that they might wait a little while

[Miss_G]

Had an awful day with my LO today! Took him on a day out to the beach as it was lovely and sunny and we only live 30 minutes away. We took him for lunch beforehand, wonderfully behaved! And then he got out of the highchair...he wanted to go outside...it was on a main road so I said no. Oooh my word! He began bashing his head against the counter, slapping the door and throwing himself on the floor screaming!!

He calmed down and then, after having a mooch around the shops, we let him go to the marina to see the ducks. And he was off again! He was thoroughly enjoying running around but wanted to dive in the pond and go in the road! I warned him if he didn't behave he was going straight back to the car. He continued so I wrestle him off the floor and he headbutted me several times in the process. He tried to slap and was screaming. I stood him on the floor and told him NO, we DON'T hit Mummy! I literally dragged him back to the car and had to almost sit on him to fasten him in...

Please tell me this gets easier!!!!!

[Art_Critic]

Please tell me this gets easier!!!!!

 

You sound like my wife.. she would say that all the time

 

Of course it gets easier.. but you have to make sure he stays safe..

The other thing you make sure you do is not give in to the tantrums (unless you really have to).

Remove him from whatever event his is having the tantrum at..

 

My wife one time had trouble buckling our son in after having a tantrum from leaving the kids park.

He was kicking and screaming so bad that she had to wait a few mins for him to calm down before she could get him buckled in.

 

He never repeated that again.. of course when he got home it was 20 mins of time out in his room..

He was about 28 months old at the time.

[skydiveaddict]

As soon as he hears the word 'no' he throws himself on the floor kicking and screaming.

 

 

Sounds like the guys in my squad.

[Miss_G]

I had to laugh this morning! I was sat doing some paper work when LO came to me, climbed on my knee, cuddled me and gave me a very sweet, gentle kiss on the cheek. He then vanished and returned a minute later craddling a packet of chocolate buttons he'd managed to find in the kitchen. Talking about playing me up! He must of found them and wondered how he could persuade me to give him chocolate at 8am

Needless to say, he DIDN'T get them! I told him he could have them AFTER his lunch if he was a good boy. He started to whinge. I said, "Oh dear, only GOOD boys get chocolate, not noisy, crying little boys!" He looked for a minute, looked at the chocolate, handed it to me and gave me his best smile...something must be sinking in!!