6 Months later... Still Frustrated

[J0N]

At this point I am about two weeks shy of being out of my past relationship for nearly 6 months, with total NC the entire time. I have been a little frustrated lately with things.

I have made a lot of progress in many different ways over these past few months. I have lost weight (30lbs) I am now ripped, where as I was a little fluffy before we broke up. I have made strides career wise, I am on the verge of making the biggest (to a huge company) leap to the east coast. I have tied up a lot of loose ends from my past, reconciled with past girlfriends, mostly apologizing and we are no longer mortal enemies but instead casual friends. I was clear with them of my intentions. I have also matured quite a bit, and learned from my mistakes. Not to mention saving a ton of money.

At this point, I still do think about her sometimes, and I still rehash those final arguments in my head from time to time (I never lose now, lol). I still miss her. I still avoid certain places like the plague; I will not run into her accidently. Period. She is leaving this city for good in a month, which makes me sad. I am somewhat frustrated that her memory still bothers me. I kind of wish it was like a stubbed toe, you remember it hurt, but you don’t care anymore. I am ultimately happy that we broke up, because CA and NY are on opposite ends of the country, better we split then then now. I guess I look at her like the kind of girl whose motto is “When the going gets tough (complicated/difficult/etc.) just quit.” So I am glad that me and her split before things got serious, and she could really do some serious damage. I think she was just an immature child.

I am kind of frustrated with the whole ‘love’ thing. I feel like once people really get to know each other one just gets tired of the other and leaves. Is marriage outdated in today’s society? How can somebody honestly say to your face that they love you, then just say one day that they have had enough and they are finished with you? I did all kinds of crazy things when I was young and my parents never said, “Well we have had enough, get out.” They loved me unconditionally; I guess my ex was only just saying ‘I love you,’ meaninglessly. I always thought love was an unconditional thing; I would have done anything for my ex without thinking twice about it. I guess she felt differently… I do not believe that she ever really loved me; otherwise she would not have gone NC for 6 months without looking back and have been as cold as she was towards me at the end of our relationship. It is so frustrating and tough to live with these thoughts.

[GreenPolicy]

I am one week shy of six months myself. I have thankfully been able to turn the focus to myself and I think more about what's best for me and ways to improve my life...I'm no longer obsessing about the breakup, asking Why, worrying about what she's doing, etc. I just miss her. I find myself just really missing her the past few days for some reason. We had so many good times, and I've given up trying to figure out why she felt we couldn't go on together, but I just really miss her. I guess that means I haven't done a good enough job of filling up those holes inside of me myself, that I am waiting for another person to come along and do the job for me.

 

Her memory bothers me too a lot. I guess it's because in my opinion, our relationship did not noticeably deteriorate and then end. However long she choose to contemplate leaving, she kept it to herself and continued to play the role of loving girlfriend. It didn't make sense then, it doesn't make sense now, and it won't in the future. I just need to get to a place where I won't care anymore.

 

 

Friday and Saturday nights are hard. I feel that loneliness most acutely then. I feel like I've made a lot of progress and healed a lot, but I realize I have so much more healing I have to do.

[Ajax]

JON, I think there's a lot of wisdom in the things you've said, andyour self reflection is going to help you in the long run. At six months you need not worry that you still think about her and miss her.

 

Think about it this way: In the past six months you have improved yourself dramatically, and where was she? Nowhere. She wsn't standing by you and rooting for you to succeed, and so by rights she doesn't deserve any part of the new JON.

 

The fact that she up and left at the height of your relationship speaks volumes about her ability to commit and emotional intimacy. It reminds me of my ex... But not everyone hs these characteristics, so don't go into a new relationship expecting it to fail, just don't ignore red flags when you see them.

[0hpenelope]

It's okay, J0N. I see this more of a vent than a setback. You loved her a lot, so your pain runs as deep.

 

It takes a while. I'm frustrated too. Three months of NIC on my end and I still miss him very much.

 

You're doing fine. We're here for you.

[melenkurion]

JON, you have worked really hard on yourself, and you've done fantastically well. After six months, things can still be really pretty raw. It's actualyl not really a great deal of time. I'm a few days over the six month mark, and I am still far from over things.

 

All the work you have put in is just the right thing to have done. When the pain fades with time, that hard work will pay amazing dividends and you'll reap the benefits.

[J0N]

Thanks guys.

 

This whole ordeal has been pretty hard on me. I am hesitant to give another girl a chance, I am not sure if I could handle going through another breakup like this again. I almost feel like most people take what they want and leave. I feel like when she left a part of me left too.

 

I have come a long way, but I still think about her all the time.

[0hpenelope]

You should take the time off, then. I don't like the dating scene either as I only go out on dates with my significant others, but when you're ready, you might want to consider going through that process? Not necessarily to find a new girl (although you might bump into her while you're at it ), but more to expose yourself to a bunch of different personalities, meet new girls and make new friends, and to ease yourself into becoming open to the possibility again.

 

The fact that you're even considering giving another girl a chance is an indicator that you want to get into a relationship again. There are ways to quell the anxieties. I'm anxious too, but I never stopped myself from dating. Granted, I was uncomfortable since I've never done it before, but you know... the distractions were very nice. It also served as a reminder that my ex is not the only guy compatible for me.

Edited April 8, 2011 by 0hpenelope

[starryeyed12]

I am kind of frustrated with the whole ‘love’ thing. I feel like once people really get to know each other one just gets tired of the other and leaves.

 

How can somebody honestly say to your face that they love you, then just say one day that they have had enough and they are finished with you? I did all kinds of crazy things when I was young and my parents never said, “Well we have had enough, get out.” They loved me unconditionally; I guess my ex was only just saying ‘I love you,’ meaninglessly. I always thought love was an unconditional thing; I would have done anything for my ex without thinking twice about it. I guess she felt differently… I do not believe that she ever really loved me; otherwise she would not have gone NC for 6 months without looking back and have been as cold as she was towards me at the end of our relationship. It is so frustrating and tough to live with these thoughts.

 

Hey J0N! Just wanted to say that it's great that you have made so much progress in your life since the BU! Amazing how time and change can better your life.

 

Anyway, the quote up there stood out to me. I feel your pain about making this realization. I've realized that love is not love is not love.

 

My mom always told me that she may be the only person in the world who truly loves me unconditionally. Not that my dad doesn't too, but something about a mother's bond to her child is a bit different. I don't think you can compare the love of a significant other to the love your mother and father have for you. They are different relationships and different kinds of love.

 

Love is a funny word because means many different things to different people. It can mean friendship, lust, a passion for someone or something, a deep bond, etc, etc.

 

Sounds to me like you have realized that the kind of love you want is going to be much deeper than what you have experienced with your ex. So was it love at all? I think by some definition, yes. Don't beat yourself up about that. Don't give up on love because you didn't find the definition that you wanted or have learned that it should be. Love is a process and it has stages. Many, many relationships don't make it past the stage where you realize each other's flaws and the issues that you will face together if you decide to stay. The partner who you make it through these stages together is going to be the one you likely stay with for a very, very long time. These stages can also cycle through several times during a lifetime with a partner.

 

So basically, love is not love is not love. It's dynamic and changing and sometimes elusive. I've realized that I don't want to get bogged down by the word and how someone could say it, yet we're not together until death do us part. I try to accept the relationship for what it was- a stepping stone towards finding a new and deeper definition of love.

 

I hope things work out for you in your new job and city!

[GreenPolicy]

I'm 8 days shy of the six month mark, and I was thinking today about what exactly it is that I miss. I for sure miss her, despite how she ended things. But I wonder if part of it is simply the relationship itself, the feeling of being loved, the feeling of being wanted, getting to share yourself with somebody else, the physical intimacy, the emotional intimacy of letting your guard down and showing your true self to another person without fear of judgment or rejection.

 

But I would say that I think what I miss most of all is actually being able to give love, and what a joy that is. Loving her put me in touch with what I feel is the noblest part of myself and the best part of my nature. I think I'm a good guy whose heart is in the right place, but I have my flaws. I can be very impatient. I lose my temper during traffic jams. But I miss having somebody inspire me to commune with the best part of who I am. I'm not saying you have to be in a relationship to be a good and moral person, but I completely understand now the expression "Behind every good man is a good woman."

[Emilia]

But I would say that I think what I miss most of all is actually being able to give love, and what a joy that is. Loving her put me in touch with what I feel is the noblest part of myself and the best part of my nature. I think I'm a good guy whose heart is in the right place, but I have my flaws. I can be very impatient. I lose my temper during traffic jams. But I miss having somebody inspire me to commune with the best part of who I am. I'm not saying you have to be in a relationship to be a good and moral person, but I completely understand now the expression "Behind every good man is a good woman."

 

lovely post. What I miss about my ex most after all this time is that he turned me into a good woman. Despite everything that happened he taught me what unconditional love is. I'll always be grateful for that. I didn't think I was capable of that.

[galbanumrteessisr]

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[D-Lish]

Thanks guys.

 

This whole ordeal has been pretty hard on me. I am hesitant to give another girl a chance, I am not sure if I could handle going through another breakup like this again. I almost feel like most people take what they want and leave. I feel like when she left a part of me left too.

 

I have come a long way, but I still think about her all the time.

 

Hi Jon,

 

I hope you're doing better today.

 

I think the biggest mistake we sometimes make is putting our ex on a pedestal, when they absolutely don't belong there. I read another thread that reminded me of that. As long as we keep them there, we are giving them all our power.

 

It seems like you've done everything right in how you've conducted yourself, maybe that last missing piece is removing her from that pedestal?

[J0N]

Most definately that's what it is. I just wish I would stop thinking about her all the time. Sometimes I'm with my friends and a thought goes through my head that really bums me out. I am hoping more that time and space will help me get her off her pedestal.

 

What does that post above that isn't in english say?

[0hpenelope]

It's a long-winded post of a spam.

[Beeotch]

At this point I am about two weeks shy of being out of my past relationship for nearly 6 months, with total NC the entire time. I have been a little frustrated lately with things.

I have made a lot of progress in many different ways over these past few months. I have lost weight (30lbs) I am now ripped, where as I was a little fluffy before we broke up. I have made strides career wise, I am on the verge of making the biggest (to a huge company) leap to the east coast. I have tied up a lot of loose ends from my past, reconciled with past girlfriends, mostly apologizing and we are no longer mortal enemies but instead casual friends. I was clear with them of my intentions. I have also matured quite a bit, and learned from my mistakes. Not to mention saving a ton of money.

At this point, I still do think about her sometimes, and I still rehash those final arguments in my head from time to time (I never lose now, lol). I still miss her. I still avoid certain places like the plague; I will not run into her accidently. Period. She is leaving this city for good in a month, which makes me sad. I am somewhat frustrated that her memory still bothers me. I kind of wish it was like a stubbed toe, you remember it hurt, but you don’t care anymore. I am ultimately happy that we broke up, because CA and NY are on opposite ends of the country, better we split then then now. I guess I look at her like the kind of girl whose motto is “When the going gets tough (complicated/difficult/etc.) just quit.” So I am glad that me and her split before things got serious, and she could really do some serious damage. I think she was just an immature child.

I am kind of frustrated with the whole ‘love’ thing. I feel like once people really get to know each other one just gets tired of the other and leaves. Is marriage outdated in today’s society? How can somebody honestly say to your face that they love you, then just say one day that they have had enough and they are finished with you? I did all kinds of crazy things when I was young and my parents never said, “Well we have had enough, get out.” They loved me unconditionally; I guess my ex was only just saying ‘I love you,’ meaninglessly. I always thought love was an unconditional thing; I would have done anything for my ex without thinking twice about it. I guess she felt differently… I do not believe that she ever really loved me; otherwise she would not have gone NC for 6 months without looking back and have been as cold as she was towards me at the end of our relationship. It is so frustrating and tough to live with these thoughts.

 

I can totally empathize....

 

I think life is a lesson in love. We grow up hearing about love and believing that saying "I love you" is the thing to do after dating someone for a while. But truthfully not many people have truly LEARNED what love is. I believe it is something that you learn and perfect overtime...and that's why we often have so many relationships before "the right one" so we can get closer to what love really is.

 

Unfortunately...some folks still never learn.

I don't think my ex loved me...but I don't think he realized he didn't. That is the thing. It is not really that people lie about loving you, but they truly think they do if they don't know what love is. I loved him within my capacity to love at the time...but I've grown from that and how I will love my next bf will be faaar more sophisticated and complex as I have truly learned a lot more about what love is.

 

I used to be very cynical...but I am now realizing that MOST people in the world go through the motions and rituals of what they think relationships should be, most people approach relationships in the wrong way, a major flaw being that they are undeveloped and incomplete within themselves then expecting another to take away all their troubles, which ultimately leads to disappointment and disillusion. When you change your perception, things change and I think the important thing is to be self aware, to find someone whose idea of love matches yours and being willing to be open and honest and grow in a relationship as well as realizing when a relationship has run it's due course.

 

As for exes...it is HARD not to be mad and to wonder about their thoughts/feelings etc. Been there, done that. But now I am free because I don't hold my ex to any special standard. He is a mere mortal who did the best with what he had....it wasn't enough for me so that is why the Universe saw it fit for us to part but not before I learned a lot of valuable lessons to take with me. Feels like a graduation. He was good for me at the time and I him...but then we had to both move on.

 

You sound like a smart man and you've done a lot for yourself and I believe that you will definitely gain more insight as time goes by and be able to approach love again.

Edited April 11, 2011 by Beeotch

[Duckduckgoose]

From what I have read in your posts you are only making things better for you own life. Yes you are still hurting, but the progress you've made in other areas of your life only makes you MORE attractive to new women in the future

 

Its normal to feel pretty jaded. It sucks, but it's normal. I was jaded towards relationships when I got married. And oh god if divorce doesn't jade you I dunno what does

 

But you have got farther than me I am not at 6 months since exH left its been 4 months and a few days. My feelings are all over the place still. I run the gamut IN ONE DAY: depressed, meh, angry, ambiguous, bleh, happy, dancing around. Not sleeping too well my mind races... messed up thought patterns, some trouble focusing which causes me to have poor judgement especially in driving.

 

I don't miss exH too bad though. Lately my mind has been processing that there is nothing I could have tried or done differently that would have prevented him from leaving the way he did... or leaving at all. He was gone like yesterday and that's just how he is.

 

As much as it tears your mind up, it's just like plowing the ground and getting rid of the rocks to plant some crops. Its gotta be done and the result is something useful

[betterdeal]

Maybe changing the way you think about love will help you to feel better and live better. Love comes in many forms and they're all real, true, sincere, authentic. There's passion, lust, affection, obsession, familial, friendly, companionable, even intellectual love. The unconditional love of a child for a parent is no more real than the lust you felt for your first crush on a teacher. It's just different.

[J0N]

Those are kind words coming from someone whose user name is beeotch haha.

 

This sort of changes the subject but sometimes I felt like I let her go to easily. I feel like I gave up too quickly on our relationship after it ended. I went NC the day after we broke up and I haven't heard from her since, I feel like the door was shut for good and she won't dare ever walk through. But I guess if she never really loved me, that is probably why I have yet to hear anything. I wish this wanting to hear from her would just go away, for good.