Soulmates?

[LittleTiger]

Well no its not like we r buying real estate together... lol no...

 

You can have doubts or uneasiness creep up anytime. Doesnt that happen after marriage? Doesnt that happen before u get engaged? Doesnt that happen after u get engaged?

 

I liked that Muse story. Maybe thats what it was with that girl way back. She always will be my muse. Inspiring me to do all those silly things.... And writing stuff... I only miss talking to her on nights that I need someone to talk my soul with... Whatever

 

I am sure there are other people who cant relate intellectually or with the soul with their spouses. How do they deal with that?

 

In my view, if you're having doubts before your marriage then you shouldn't get married. When most people get married (at least in the Western world) they generally believe it's going to last a lifetime, that's why the vows say 'until death do us part' or something similar.

 

The only people who may not relate intellectually or emotionally with their spouse on the day they marry them are:

 

1) People who are being forced into marriage

2) People who are in arranged marriages

3) People who marry for convenience

 

Everyone who marries for love has the 'soulmate' connection you're talking about - at least before marriage and usually lasting for many years afterwards, if not forever.

 

Don't kid yourself that most people do what you're doing, because they don't.

[LittleTiger]

As the earlier guy suggested, maybe she has the ability to become my soulmate and I am just not aware about it yet. I would agree its somewat a marriage of convenience as of now, its just good for her and me. But I am sure we both want it to last forever...

 

What if this 'muse' of yours reappeared 3 years down the line and said she was ready to have a relationship with you?

 

Or, if not her, someone who makes you feel the way she did?

[sgc]

I like the what if question...

 

Does everyone who get married ask himself that?

 

What if I get a smarter woma/man some years hence?

What if I find someone that sets my life on fire some years hence?

 

Does one prepare for these contengencies?

 

Just curious....

 

As I said, yes its a marriage of convenience in a way, we havent known each other for like tooooooooooooooo long. Less than a year.... But as I said before, most thing look fine, and we are both committed to it...

[LittleTiger]

I like the what if question...

 

Does everyone who get married ask himself that?

 

What if I get a smarter woma/man some years hence?

What if I find someone that sets my life on fire some years hence?

 

Does one prepare for these contengencies?

 

Just curious....

 

As I said, yes its a marriage of convenience in a way, we havent known each other for like tooooooooooooooo long. Less than a year.... But as I said before, most thing look fine, and we are both committed to it...

 

No, they don't, that's just my point.

 

Most people who choose to get married do so because they believe they have found that special person who is their 'soulmate'. Someone they love and feel passionately about. Someone who is their friend and lover and who they can share their innermost thoughts with. Someone they connect with physically, emotionally and intellectually on a level that they never have with another person.

 

When you find that person you don't ask 'what if'? Because in your mind there is no 'what if' - you believe that the person you have found is the one for you.

 

In your case, the person you have found might not be the one for you, so the 'WHAT IF?' is huge!

[xxoo]

I like the what if question...

 

Does everyone who get married ask himself that?

 

What if I get a smarter woma/man some years hence?

What if I find someone that sets my life on fire some years hence?

 

Does one prepare for these contengencies?

 

Just curious....

 

As I said, yes its a marriage of convenience in a way, we havent known each other for like tooooooooooooooo long. Less than a year.... But as I said before, most thing look fine, and we are both committed to it...

 

The way to prepare for these contingencies is: boundaries.

When you are married, and find yourself connecting with another woman, you keep that person at arm's length, keep the communications open and professional, etc.

 

But, no, I don't think you are committed if you are entertaining thoughts of "what if I meet a better match?" Wanting it to last forever is not the same being committed.

[WutheringH]

I have to admit that the further this thread progresses, despite the various areas of discussion it still does remind me of a quote hemingway was reported to have let slip.. "

 

Only one marriage I regret. I remember after I got that marriage license I went across from the license bureau to a bar for a drink. The bartender said, "What will you have, sir?" And I said, "A glass of hemlock."

 

I have to admit to me it just seems like your viewing this in a rather laid back way. This is a BIG decision. You need to at least put in some work to process your thoughts and feelings accuratly. To me the very fact that your posting on LS hints your 'nagged' by something. Figure out that 'nag' to the best of your ability and then at least move forward with the knowledge that you thought things through.

[zakfar]

By the way LittleTiger, although we have conflicts of decisions, I really like the way you are concerned so much for OP. There are very few people in the word who takes others' problems so seriously. Just because of you and WutheringH (mainly because of his technical knowledge), I have started to spend more and more time here.

 

This is a good board, and I'm sure that the presence of people like you can be great for many people who are in problems. Please don't take me wrong. I'm not even against what you are saying. Check my other posts, and you will find out that we're on the same page. Only difference is that, you seem to believe in 'Love' as the main factor for choosing the partner, and I believe in 'Mental response' - Qualities of the partner & Priorities that drives happiness in the mind.

 

For OP, I think I'm done writing what I had to write. I like the quote of WutheringH, and he's right. This discussion seems to have reached it's peak. All we should say, we have said. Now it's his decision what he wants to do. So, let's move to some other thread and try to solve someone else' problem. I'm enjoying my time with you guys.

 

Zakfar.

[psionyx]

I wish more than anything right now I could go back in time to when I was in your shoes SGC. So that I could make the right decision - which for me, would have been to break off the engagement, no matter the apparent magnitude of the consequences.

 

I have always also been a believer of the "soul mate" concept (basically the idea that compatibility eventually rules out). I was 30 when I married, and I faced the same hesitation you do. In my case, I am even more guilty because I had even known a previous love that met my "soul mate" criteria. Yet she married someone else, and I was faced with the choice to marry my girl friend at the time (who I knew was NOT my soul mate) or stay single. I chose poorly.

 

And now, at 41 with an amazing eight year old daughter, I am faced with the truth that I have been lying to myself and to her over the last 11 years by not admitting that the marriage was a mistake. I have compromised and buried this truth so deeply, that I had almost forgotten my misgivings during our engagement. My wife has always been good for me, and is completely in love with me, but I have not been happy because my needs are not being met, and because I've always known deep down that there is someone out there who I can connect with better on that hard to define "spiritual" level.

 

It's amazing that I read your post now, on this day. In a few hours, I have an appointment for individual counselling for only the second time in my life. The first was yesterday! My wife knows something dire is at hand, and is scared to death. And I am also scared to death, knowing that soon I will have to reveal at least some of the truth if our marriage is to continue.

 

Trust me, SGC, you do NOT want to be in my shoes now. Whatever you do, do NOT ignore that voice in the back of your head like I did! You may think you are doing the right thing, and that things may improve. But it's highly likely they will not, and the consequences of ignoring the truth now will also likely be disastrous down the road.

 

Don't be caught up in the rush. Take your time, think about what COULD happen if things don't improve, and be honest with yourself and her.

[Irishlove]

I never believed in this. It took me almost till forty to find someone I can call my soulmate. I love him unconditionally. I have never loved like this. It comes so natural and so free. This is something I've never felt. It's something from my higher power without a doubt.

[Baroness67]

"Soulmates" to me now means infatuation. You can feel like "soulmates" with a woman you meet in a bar who listens to your every word and nods and likes the same beer you do and who enthusiastically plays quarters or darts with you at 1am.

 

It sounds like the woman of your past was the embodiment of a ton of excitement that you seem to feel you are missing from your seemingly more structured family/life environment. If there is "pressure to get married" or "pressure to get engaged" and you had a lot of trouble "getting out of" a previous engagement, then it sounds like you have that kind of environment that is stifling you.

 

It's the same thing with an affair. One partner feels stifled, unfulfilled, whatever. So they act out on something contrary to their structure, just to feel alive and get that thrill of "yes I can!!" and not feel dead, or bored, or whatever it is they are feeling.

 

I think this is it with you. You're thinking about how that person made you feel. Dangerous? Sexy? Rebellious? Alive? Risking the moment? Did she get your adrenaline pumping?

 

These things are all well and good, and hey, I always think, this has to be why people jump out of planes. I can't think of any other reason why someone would want to do this except the will to get the rush has to be that strong.

 

Now whenever I hear "soulmates" I think of that urge to jump out of a plane. There is some urge that is so strong that someone is actually willing to believe there is one and only one person out there for them who can fill a hole in your soul. And that's just not correct. It's hormones, instinct, physical urges, etc. but the last thing you are interested in, is the other person's soul. It's how they make you feel. Plain and simple.

 

Now, Life Partners, that's a term I respect far more profoundly, right up there with best friends.

 

Soulmates? Unless we're talking about Heloise and Abelard, what we're talking about is sex partners who don't have to pay bills or wash dishes or deal with in-laws who are sneaking around "real life."

 

I loved the part where my friend who is an OW was telling me that her MM used to read to her from his journal, which his W supposedly knew nothing about. She thought it was sweet. To me, the picture of that kind of deluded self-indulgence made me roll my eyes quite back into my head.

 

But I like being friends with her. She was "soulmates" with her married man and yet he dumped her in a heartbeat, she still doesn't know why and is too afraid to find out.