What to expect from a partner who insists on going out freely w/o me

[Bloomin4love]

I don't know how to handle this situation fairly for myself and my husband. We've been married for three 1/2 years, my 1st marriage, his 4th. I'm 40, he's 50. We have a baby girl and a toddler boy. Before marriage, we spent a lot of time going to listen to live music, and traveling around, etc. Having a lot of fun together.

Now we have babies which we're both responsible for at night. I care for our sweet baby girl, he baths, plays with, and puts our high energy toddler to sleep. It works out well until he calls me at 5:30pm to ask if he can go have a "few beers". This happens about once a week. And so far, I think he's returned home maybe twice over the years after a truly couple of beers. Almost always, he's out long after dinners over and I'm worn out and frustrated. He doesn't return home when we agree he will. He rarely answers the phone if I call. One night he didn't return home at all. I know he needs his space, that's not what frustrates me. I feel very unhappy that I just can't trust him. And he's unhappy that I don't trust him. But how will that ever happen with his current behavior. And it's as if his quality of life is more important than the rest of us. He calls at the last minute. And a few beers turns into all night.

Furthermore, I've told him many times that I really miss just us and we need to get a babysitter. He nods his head and the conversation ends. We go out alone twice a year.

Last night, same thing, he came home at 9, rather than 8 when he said he'd be home. We had an awful argument...well at least his anger got away with him. I had the kids in the car to leave. It was pathetic. He yelled "A man can go out as late at he wants too!"

I feel as if he's being very disrespectful to me and to the children.

What is acceptable? How do other mothers or fathers handle this? Am I asking too much?

Edited April 7, 2011 by Bloomin4love

[martini-mae]

NO - A man cannot go out whenever & for however long he likes when he's married.

We are 50 & 51 & don't have children at home anymore & if my husband tried that one time it'd be curtains for him. Even when our kids were small - He'd go to happy hour & be home no later than 5:30 or 6:00 to help with dinner & the kids. Otherwise we'd get a sitter & go out together once a month.

 

When you're in a relationship you are to be repectful to the other person. Relationship does not equal "Do As You Please Land"

 

My opinion, he's acting like a spoiled child.

 

Now - on a nicer note. Perhaps come to a happy decision for both. Agree that he can go out let's say once a month & there should be some sort of curfew.

 

What you should ask him is - Would he like it if you went out & came home whenever you felt like coming home?

[StoneCold]

NO - A man cannot go out whenever & for however long he likes when he's married.

When you're in a relationship you are to be repectful to the other person. Relationship does not equal "Do As You Please Land"

 

My opinion, he's acting like a spoiled child.

 

..... let's say once a month & there should be some sort of curfew.

 

 

 

Oh boy...this reaffirms my opion of the concept of marriage

 

For those of you that aren't married......stay that way.....for those of you that are cloase...... RUN

[Ross MwcFan]

Is it normal for a man to have to ask his partner if he can go out for a few beers?

[New Again]

Is it normal for a man to have to ask his partner if he can go out for a few beers?

 

They have children together. YES, it is normal, or should be at least. He has responsibilities to his family.

 

I very much doubt her husband would like it much if he called to ask to go out for "a few beers" and she responded, "nope, actually you can't, I need you to come home and be a father to your children, because I'm going out tonight" and then she didn't come home until the next morning.

 

I'm guessing this is why he is on his fourth marriage.

[Mutant Debutante]

They have children together. YES, it is normal, or should be at least. He has responsibilities to his family.

 

I very much doubt her husband would like it much if he called to ask to go out for "a few beers" and she responded, "nope, actually you can't, I need you to come home and be a father to your children, because I'm going out tonight" and then she didn't come home until the next morning.

 

I'm guessing this is why he is on his fourth marriage.

 

 

For serious! What's up with guys acting all shocked and butt-hurt that it's not okay to just take off and leave your wife taking care of little kids by herself whenever you feel like it? OP, maybe you just need to leave him with them all night once in a while and see what he thinks about it. He's been getting his time off, and you deserve some too, right? Babies are hard work, you could use your own break.

[Linda9999]

Is it normal for a man to have to ask his partner if he can go out for a few beers?

 

The answer to this depends entirely on what kind of relationship they have.

 

If it's one where he wants to make sure her needs are being taken care of, and they have small children needing 24/7 care, and she feels as though she is shouldering most of the responsibility for them then HELL YES he needs to get her permission.

 

If the relationship doesn't involve kids and she has as much freedom as he does, and they are both comfortable with the other taking off with their friends whenever the mood strikes, then no, he doesn't have to ask.

[zakfar]

Although many here would not agree with my response, I will present mine. It might be able to help you in improving your relationship, rather than actually having a 'Fight' or 'Break-up'.

 

First thing, you should leave him on what he is doing. Stop having arguments with him for anything at all. I know it will be surprising. But wait for 2-3 weeks. Give him his time, and let him do maximum what he wants to do. Let him come up with his idea for his marriage.

 

After taking that much time, one day, when he is in cool mood, simply have an open talk with him. Your mode of communication should not be argument, but a simple point that you are not happy with your relationship. Trust me, he will respond in a better way if you do it this way. Ask him what system he wants in his relationship. You need to open him first before you decide anything.

 

It's weird how people calculate the solutions, and compare their personal relationships with those of others. Each relationship is different. There are different rules, and the system is based on the mutual understanding of the partners. The concept is that both of them should be happy. There are no standard rules that can be applied to all the relationships like you should do this, you should do that, you shouldn't do this, and you that. Some people also say that go to the counselor. What does a counselor do? A counselor does not give you a set of standard rules to live a happy marriage life. A counselor simply analyzes your type of relationship, and improves the system, but that's all based on your mutual understanding. Point is simple. Every relationship is different.

 

Bloomin! You are 40 and he's 50. This is your first marriage, but it's his fourth. Some things to be noted here, he has failed 3 times in his marriage. Have you ever tried to find out the reasons for those? Also try to look from his eyes. He's lot more experienced than you for having a spouse.

 

You mentioned many of his current actions that you did not like. From where I see, some of those can be deliberate, so that you can understand his authority. With open talk to him, you can learn better about what he exactly wants.

 

I never say anyone what kind of relationship you should have. I'm one of the great debaters for 'Free Will' - which means you should have the kind of relationship that you like. It is so upsetting that society wants to lead us towards the system we should choose for a happy marriage life. But a happy marriage life is not possible without the mutual understanding, which purely means a system that can keep both of them happy. In order to build one, you gonna need to have open communication. And for open communication, you will need to find a good time, when he is in mood to have such a communication. Arguments and fights only worsen the problem. Most of the time, people don't want to submit due to their ego, even if they have realized that they are wrong.

 

In the end, I would like to mention one more thing. If you don't want it, you should not sacrifice all that is being asked. If you don't want it, don't submit yourself. But before doing that, have an open communication, find out the desired system, and then think about that if you want it or not. If you are happy with those, than you can go for them. If not happy, than instead of making arguments, go for the solutions. Sometimes, open talk can help you to convince your partners for changing the decisions. Aside, there are always some other mediums for women to convince their husbands. Ask yourself what are those, as you have been with him for 6 months. If there is no solution, and you are not happy in your relationship, than you can visit a marriage counselor, or simply end it. You can always find someone appropriate for you.

[Ross MwcFan]

The answer to this depends entirely on what kind of relationship they have.

 

If it's one where he wants to make sure her needs are being taken care of, and they have small children needing 24/7 care, and she feels as though she is shouldering most of the responsibility for them then HELL YES he needs to get her permission.

 

If the relationship doesn't involve kids and she has as much freedom as he does, and they are both comfortable with the other taking off with their friends whenever the mood strikes, then no, he doesn't have to ask.

 

Okay, makes sense when you put it like that.

[LittleTiger]

I don't know how to handle this situation fairly for myself and my husband. We've been married for three 1/2 years, my 1st marriage, his 4th. I'm 40, he's 50. We have a baby girl and a toddler boy. Before marriage, we spent a lot of time going to listen to live music, and traveling around, etc. Having a lot of fun together.

Now we have babies which we're both responsible for at night. I care for our sweet baby girl, he baths, plays with, and puts our high energy toddler to sleep. It works out well until he calls me at 5:30pm to ask if he can go have a "few beers". This happens about once a week. And so far, I think he's returned home maybe twice over the years after a truly couple of beers. Almost always, he's out long after dinners over and I'm worn out and frustrated. He doesn't return home when we agree he will. He rarely answers the phone if I call. One night he didn't return home at all. I know he needs his space, that's not what frustrates me. I feel very unhappy that I just can't trust him. And he's unhappy that I don't trust him. But how will that ever happen with his current behavior. And it's as if his quality of life is more important than the rest of us. He calls at the last minute. And a few beers turns into all night.

Furthermore, I've told him many times that I really miss just us and we need to get a babysitter. He nods his head and the conversation ends. We go out alone twice a year.

Last night, same thing, he came home at 9, rather than 8 when he said he'd be home. We had an awful argument...well at least his anger got away with him. I had the kids in the car to leave. It was pathetic. He yelled "A man can go out as late at he wants too!"

I feel as if he's being very disrespectful to me and to the children.

What is acceptable? How do other mothers or fathers handle this? Am I asking too much?

 

Bloomin, I'm so sorry to hear you're going through this.

 

Your husband is behaving abusively towards you. I would recommend you read 'Why Does He Do That' by Lundy Bancroft - though you'll probably need to hide it from your husband. The book explains the many ways in which men abuse women and will help you to understand why you're feeling as you do.

 

His behaviour is not acceptable. His sense of entitlement (a man can go out as late as he wants to), his complete disrespect of your needs and rights, his quality of life being more important than yours, his anger 'getting away with him' (don't be fooled, he knew exactly what he was doing!) - these are all huge red flags that say he is an abusive man.

 

I don't want to make your pain any worse than it already is but it's very likely he will begin to stay out late more often and soon he probably won't bother to ring and let you know. You should also be prepared to discover that he's being unfaithful, although I suspect you already know that. The chances are that his behaviour is going to get worse as time progresses.

 

If he's been married three times before, you definitely need to find out what happened in his previous marriages - and not from him. It's very unlikely he will tell you the truth. If at all possible you need to speak to one, or more, of his ex-wives. Also talk to your friends and family about his behaviour - don't suffer in silence - you need support.

 

It horrifies me how often we see this kind of behaviour appearing on these boards and how often women question if they are in the wrong. This isn't just about a man going out for a few beers, it runs much, much deeper.

[giotto]

maybe he feels that you are nagging him all the time... but this doesn't justify his behaviour at all. He should arrange it with you first if he wants to go out in the evening, so you can make your own arrangements. This is what marriage is all about. And not coming back at night? Uhm... that's pretty off.

[Canuck1979]

When you have two young children at home, no he can't just go out whenever he feels like it. It's called being a man and getting **** done. That doesn't include getting drunk with your friends.

 

I would expect this behaviour from a 25 year-old. Not a 50 year-old.

 

You mentioned this was his fourth marriage. Maybe there's a recurring theme here.

[DaisyLeigh]

I think that he is immature. Even at 50. Who the hell does he think that he is? You are supposed to sit home and he is to run free as if he were single? Nice.

 

See an attorney if he refuses to grow up. Get your ducks in a row and make sure he at least provides for the innocent children he helped to create even if he doesn't give a **** about them or you. He doesn't "get" to opt out of his responsibilities.

[KikiW]

Wanting to go have a beer or two with friends after work once a week? Sure, that should be fine - heck I even ENCOURAGE that with my husband, I think it's important for him to have some social time with someone other than me.

 

BUT...

 

Coming home way after he's said he would be home - or not even coming home at all???

 

I would be FURIOUS. That is SO disrespectful to do to a partner. Your husband has no excuse for getting angry with you for calling him out on it, and he should be ashamed of his behavior.

 

He needs to grow up and act like an adult who is married to another adult and has two children to take care of.

[Bloomin4love]

Thanks. A lot of good words and thoughts.

[Irishlove]

You need to set healthy boundaries for yourself in this marriage because he has already ruined three for obvious reasons.

Write them in stone which means he can not abuse them!

If he goes out with the guys he needs to be home no later that 8:00pm. If he is not then the doors are locked and his pillow and blanket will be on the front step or in the car.

Children even at a small age will remember alcohol and smoke on a parent. I do. Is this what your children need to learn? I married a drinker so be ready for him to bring the drinking IN the home which gets even worse. Then if he gets out of control there and you ask for no liquor in the house then you turn out to be the bad wife.

It all gets turned around because you treat him like a child. Alcohol (poison) is not a positive choice over your family. That's a bunch of crap that it's relaxing. I can show you studies where you do not get a good nights sleep, what health issues it causes, what it WILL do to the family.

This is the beginning of a very bad toxic relationship. It is your obligation to protect those children from growing up with an alcoholic parent.

A true family will say "honey, you are right. I have obligations and the guys will have to wait till things have settled down or maybe we will go out once a month"

There is no leaving you at home. He is in his fifties. He wants to see if he "still has it".

[Woggle]

I can understand why women get mad at porn and strip clubs but now he can't even hang out with the guys? Are men allowed to have any life of their own or should they just be under a woman's thumb? I am so glad my wife never tries to control me like this.

[soserious1]

I'd suggest a couple things... you each get a night out every couple weeks,go shopping, see a movie, pursue a hobby of some sort, hang out with friends

everybody needs time to relax, "me" time.

 

Alternatively, on his night out you hire a teenage girl to come in, help out with the kids and/or light housework so you won't be exhausted.

 

Obviously him staying out all night isn't good but IMHO staying out till 9pm

at most x1 per week isn't some huge sin, just get a babysitter in to help you for say 3-4 hrs, hubby gets time to blow off steam, you get an extra pair of hands to help out at home.

[LittleTiger]

I can understand why women get mad at porn and strip clubs but now he can't even hang out with the guys? Are men allowed to have any life of their own or should they just be under a woman's thumb? I am so glad my wife never tries to control me like this.

 

So presumably then you also neglect your wife and don't spend any time with her?

 

When you go out with the guys on a very frequent basis straight after work, leaving your wife alone at home to take care of the kids and all the household chores, you also tell her you'll be home at a certain time and then turn up several hours later, or perhaps even stay out all night if you feel like it without letting her know where you are? And you don't bother answering the phone if she calls you?

 

Presumably you also let your anger get away with you whenever you feel like it because you're entitled to do just what you like when you like without any regard for your wife or her feelings?

 

That's strange, because I had you down as being a much better man than that.

[Woggle]

I don't neglect my wife but I have a social life with my friends and she has one with hers as well. We don't feel the need to keep a leash on each other because we know we want to come home to our marriage.

 

If one of us is going to be out late or overnight then we tell the other and it is no bid deal.

 

We don't have any kids so that is not an issue.

[LittleTiger]

I don't neglect my wife but I have a social life with my friends and she has one with hers as well. We don't feel the need to keep a leash on each other because we know we want to come home to our marriage.

 

If one of us is going to be out late or overnight then we tell the other and it is no bid deal.

 

We don't have any kids so that is not an issue.

 

Thanks for clarifying.

 

Then presumably you agree that this man's behaviour is out of order because he is not treating his wife with the respect that you treat yours.

[Woggle]

Thanks for clarifying.

 

Then presumably you agree that this man's behaviour is out of order because he is not treating his wife with the respect that you treat yours.

 

It is not the right way to go about but being controlling is not the way to handle it either. Neither one of them seem to have any idea how to have a happy marriage but I don't like how this guy is being piled up on as if men are not allowed to have any kind of life outside the marriage.

[LittleTiger]

It is not the right way to go about but being controlling is not the way to handle it either. Neither one of them seem to have any idea how to have a happy marriage but I don't like how this guy is being piled up on as if men are not allowed to have any kind of life outside the marriage.

 

He is the one who is being controlling - not her.

 

He is the one who is disrespecting her and treating her badly.

 

She's not saying he can't go out for a beer - she's just asking for a little respect and thoughtfulness - you've already admitted that you wouldn't treat your wife the way he's treating her.

 

He believes he's entitled to do whatever he wants, whenever he wants, without considering his wife and then he gets angry when she asks for a little attention and consideration - that's abusive control.

[Woggle]

I just wonder what the reaction would be if the genders were reversed. I always keep that in mind.

[whichwayisup]

IS there a reason why you're his fourth wife? Big Red Flag..

 

He's pushing it. It's one thing to go out for afew drinks for an hour or two, then come home...It's another to come home very late and not call, or when you call he doesn't answer and also has been down right rude to you. And to tell you he can do whatever he wants, when he wants IS immature and jerkish.

 

He is a husband, and a father. That is number one and he better wake the F up before he loses you and the family unit as one.

 

Woggle, ofcourse it's NORMAL for couples to do their own thing, have friends and go out alone.. Most couples do this, but do it with respect and honesty, not rudeness and disrespect.

 

This isn't a man vs woman thing okay, so don't make it into one. In her situation her husband is being a jerk, that's the bottom line here. his attitude and behaviour is out of line and he's up to no good.

 

He's been married THREE other times. Do you know why his other marriages didn't work out?