Retroactive Jealousy Ruining My Great Marriage

[mamamama]

Hi. I am posting this because I really need to get it off my chest and seek advice from someone who knows what retroactive jealousy feels like.

 

First off, I want to say that I love my husband. He treats me very well, and tells me everyday that he loves me and finds me beautiful. We have an awesome sex life. We have a wonderful baby boy.

 

Well, when I first met him he thought he could impress me by exaggerating his sexual experience. He has since admitted to lying a lot for a long period of time, but didn't want to tell me because he wanted me trust him and was insecure about his masculinity at the time.

 

His stories didn't bother me at first, but once I realized we were headed toward a committed relationship, I began to get really jealous of his ex-girlfriends and former friends-with-benefits. I have intrusive thoughts, mostly visual, about the sex he's had and the love he felt for a certain girl (let's call her Lisa) he was with in college. It made me feel like what we had was less special, because he'd shared the same feelings for me with others.

 

I think I could've gotten over it at that point, but a couple months into our relationship he made plans to spend time with Lisa who he had really loved. I told him how I felt about him spending time with her, and he argued that they were now just friends. I started to feel guilty about trying to hold him back, so he ended up spending a couple hours with her while I stayed home alone.

 

A few weeks after that, Lisa was still calling him, and so was another girl that he had fooled around with once. I asked to stop talking to her or any other girl from his past and he got angry and defensive. Eventually, he agreed and asked her not to call anymore.

 

After that I became very suspicious and obsessive about his past sex life and treated him badly and interrogated him. I found out pretty much every detail. He told me that although he had strong romantic feelings for Lisa, he was never interested in having sex with her or any other girl and had only done so because he didnt want anyone to think he was less "manly."

 

He tells me Im the love of his life, that he loves having sex with me, and that he never thinks about Lisa anymore. But just last week, I found out that he had looked her up and tried to find out where she was/how she was doing etc. When I confronted him about it, he admitted that she had sent him an email 2-3 weeks prior. Although he ignored the email, he never told me about it, which he promised to do if she ever tried to contact him again. He didnt want to tell me because he didn't want to upset me.

 

We had an argument, during which he accidentally called me "Lisa" TWICE.

 

This recent event makes me feel all the more insignificant. It makes me wonder if he still thinks about her. HE'S MY FIRST LOVE AND I FEEL LIKE I SHOULD HAVE BEEN HIS FIRST TOO.

 

He says he'll never do it again, that he made a mistake, that he loves me more than anyone. Yet I'm afraid of losing him to her. He's lied before.

 

Please help! I need some practical advice to defeat my jealousy, because at the end of the day I KNOW he loves me.

Edited April 7, 2011 by mamamama

[zakfar]

Jealousy - the feelings of fear, anxiety and insecurity due to expected loss of something important. First of all mamamama, you have to understand that your reaction is natural. The situation you are going through, any female would have had similar feelings if she loved her husband so much. So, before doing or thinking anything else, start feeling 'Proud' that your love for your husband is indeed 'Real'.

 

From your story, there are two points here that I would like to discuss.

 

. What he did in Past.

. What he is doing right now.

 

. Ok! So after listening to his previous sexual relationships, you get delusional jealousy. You watch daydreams, or nightmares, or constant itching about his previous activities. In such state, a person becomes highly suspicious on the partner with little or no evidence. It does not matter whether you accuse him or not, you feel like this, which hurts you. If he loves you, he will not like it as well if you are feeling the pain.

 

It is not easy to build trust. Especially in the situation that you mentioned. To be honest, it will be better if you show your husband this post, as he is the one who needs to gain your trust. But how? This is complicate to reply. It simply means that what do you want that can make you gain confidence on him, and what is possible for him. You should ask him with something practical, and he should go for it if it's possible for him.

 

One thing mamamamam that you need to understand about yourself is that, your feelings regarding his previous relationships are common in many females, but they are dangerous for a relationship. No man likes to have a wife who keeps accusing him for the the mistakes he did not do, or didn't do intentionally, or those have no real importance for him. If things keep going like this, men start avoiding such wives, and even start avoiding spending enough time in house. They try to run away from them.

 

You need to trust him when he informs you how he feels about his past. You can tell him that you don't like the thoughts of them, so he should not talk to you anymore about his previous sexual experiences. On your side, try your best to think positive. Although you can't always skip the bad thoughts that pop up in your mind, try to replace them with some better ones. When images of his previous experiences with someone else come to your mind, try to replace them with your own good ones. Try to think about them. Try to think about anything that you like. You will feel better.

 

. Lisa Problem - I will say this is indeed a problem. And your husband should handle this with care if he loves you and he really wants to keep a happy marriage life. He has to leave her once and for all, and if he is reading this, remove anything that belongs to her. It doesn't matter if he loved her in the past. But what he wants now? I loved my car that was broken in an accident. I loved my old house. I loved my parents that died... but what now? If you keep crying on what you don't have, you don't gain anything. In fact, crying for that is not as much trouble as sacrificing things for that what you currently have, and can have in future. You are his wife, and you have a kid. He has a loving wife, who loves him so much. He has such a wonderful baby, whom he wants to become a big man one day. He should look at what is in front of him, and not his back.

 

What is love? Just an affection towards someone to an extreme degree. I don't want to disrespect lovers, or your love for each other. What I want to point out is that, more important than love is 'Mutual Understanding' between the couple, when they decide to spend their lives together. Without it, no love can be successful. Mutual understanding also boosts Trust on each other.

 

Now how will you help yourself to have better understanding. Mamamamam... besides him, you also need to understand the scenario. By arguing on the topics, by keep thinking bad about his fidelity, and I should say - by jealousy, you are only pushing him away from you. I can't simply recommend a simple solution, as there is none. You need to talk more, and find out the solution yourself. It will take some time, but with communication, mutual understanding builds. You should think positive, and need to learn how to replace bad thoughts with the good ones in your mind. You have already showed him that if he shares his past with you, he will be in trouble. Try to prove him that he is wrong.

 

I hope it helps.

 

Zakfar.

[mamamama]

Thank you Zakfar.

 

I have tried talking to him about this. He knows exactly how I feel, but every time I bring it up he gets angry and defensive.

 

I have to admit I've treated badly because of this issue, and he probably feels judged or looked down on.

 

But I've been doing my best to stay in present moment with him.

 

It just gets difficult because there are so many reminders of his past everywhere.

 

I know this is completely selfish of me to say but.....I wish he never loved her.

[hoping2heal]

As best as I can tell, the problem is not your retroactive jealousy, but the absolutely inappropriate and extremely insensitive actions that your husband is currently, engaging in.

 

I have never loved anyone as much as I do DF, but still..I cannot imagine the hurt he would feel if I suddenly struck up a friendship with any of my serious exes. Aside from having no desire to do something like that, I could not put him through the hurt of that.

 

Your husband acting defensive about his actions cannot be helping either. Does he really, truly not know how wrong what he is doing is? I mean, you are his wife..is it really more important to him to hurt you with this friendship with not only a female, but one he was in love with at some point..for a friend? How the hell is that supposed to make YOU feel?

 

I'm really disgusted by his behavior and feel so sad for you.

[dreamingoftigers]

I would set a boundary that he needs to cut off all contact with all previous dating/sexual partners for starters. You cannot even begin to heal with those things haunting you.

 

IME EMDR therapy is great for overcoming retroactive jealousy. But first he needs to stop throwing up the current stimulus.