How Much Is Too Much?

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Ok, first off, I'm married. But I'm in a Polyamorous marriage. In otherwords, more then just sex with other people but emotional connections with other people as well.

 

So, lately I've been seeing someone on the side. He has a girlfriend. But they have the same arrangement that my husband and I have. That makes it nice because it levels the playing field. He is no more available to me then I am to him.

 

There are strong feelings between him and I... We've talked about this before. I can honestly say I am not in love with him yet... but I am close. There is definitely a deep connection there. He says he feels the same way.

 

Lately, we haven't been talking as much as we were. When we had this talk about how we feel about each other, he told me he was going to "follow me lead." with how much contact we have with each other.

 

I didn't realize it would be so hard being in the lead though... I don't want to contact him too much because I feel like I am being needy. But I don't want to go too long without contacting him either because then I feel like I am not paying enough attention.

 

Right now I haven't talked to him in two days and I am sitting here checking Facebook every five minutes hoping he'll sign on so I can IM him. I should also say that right now he has no cell. So, we can only talk online. When he has a phone, our conversations usually take place in text.

 

Sometimes I get the feeling that he's pulling away from me. But I don't think that's it at all... I think it's a combination of hectic schedules, living a half hour away from each other, etc.

 

So, if I am in the lead here, how much is too much? It's been so long since I've done this new relationship thing... I've known him for ten years. He's been a good friend of mine for a long time. He says he's had these feelings for a long time too. I keep telling him I'm afraid of scaring him away, and he keeps saying I'll never scare him away. But I still don't want to do anything wrong.

 

So does anyone have any advice?

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I've heard 8 is enough.

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I've heard 8 is enough.

 

Um... ok.

 

Waiting all night for replies and all I get is one joke reply. Kind of a let down.

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Ok, this kind of annoys me...

 

All I am asking is, for this type of relationship, how much contact is too much contact?

 

I can't believe this thread has been sitting here for days with only one sarcastic reply. Eight is enough? That doesn't even make sense!

 

I know I'm coming across all nasty right now, but I'm sure someone has something valuable to say on this matter. Surely there must be some wisdom out there on the subject. There are a lot of smart people on this forum from what I can see.

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Now you are making me feel bad. I am sorry.

 

If this was my sole lover I would contact her maybe two to three times a day with it being once in the morning, once at midday, and once in the evening unless it was too much for her. Since this is a second lover I would guess once a day to once every two days should keep the lines of communication open but if you don't have enough to say that often you should cut back to what is comfortable. At the very least a few times a week there should be some sort of contact.

 

Since he put you in the lead and if he is genuinely interested in you, he is more afraid of scaring you off. It would be different if he had low interest then he is being too lazy to care. Another consideration is if he's not a very social person that might be why you are in the lead and he could have a hard time with having full, robust conversations frequently.