Has your affair affected your self esteem?

[ChocCheesecake]

What surprises me the most about the EA I was in is that is has done SUCH a hatchet job on my self esteem.

 

For the last decade I've had relatively healthy self-esteem. I've struggled with self esteem since my teen years, but in my late 20s and ESPECIALLY since I hit my 30s I feel like I've come into my own a bit. I've been working on s/e for a long time.

 

What is it that takes a moderately well-adjusted person and makes them feel like a worthless piece of crap if Mr. X doesn't call/compliment/flirt/show up....whatever? If a friend did 1/2 of the things MM has done, I'd simply stop being friends with her, and I wouldn't feel bad about myself...I'd think, this person isn't a good friend, her loss, and I would move on.

 

I have been working very hard since New Year's to get healthy, working out and losing weight, wearing more form fitting clothing as I lose, fixing my hair a bit more than usual. I must've received 10 compliments this week alone from friends/people at work, but bc MM (who sees me at work every day) hasn't complimented me, it's like the other compliments are meaningless.

 

Have others experienced this drop in self-esteem? And such a strong craving for the AP's approval? Can anybody speculate as to WHY this occurs? It's frustrating and ridiculous, and it has happened so quickly.

[bentnotbroken]

May I ask why you feel at this time that your validation has to come from the outside. You said before you had healthy esteem. Did you get that from outside sources or was it something that you fulfilled for yourself?

[ChocCheesecake]

Honestly, I don't even know. For the last 10 years that I've been married, and a mom, great friendships and more recently, a satisfying career, I've felt relatively fulfilled. Is that looking to outside sources if I say I'm fulfilled by being wife/mother/friend/career person, because it relies on my husband/children/friends/job?

 

I do like who I am though, mostly. Sure there are things I would change, but I think at this point in my life I'm pretty happy with myself.

[bentnotbroken]

Know I don't think it was those roles, but the way you handled those roles that gave you what you needed. That is what is on the inside of you.

[Breezy Trousers]

It's not your imagination. From experiences I've read here, an affair often results in lowered self esteem.

 

The nature of affairs can be very abusive -- isolating, intermittent rewards, triangles, everything on the MM's terms. As with abusive relationships, affairs are addictive and often require NC in the end. Abused wives experience low self esteem. Often, affair partners do, too. Neither usually realizes the degree of the abuse until they leave the situation.

 

People with healthy self esteem who enter abusive situations can end up shattered. That's well known. A unhealthy situation will almost always make a healthy person unhealthy in the end. Unfortunately, it doesn't usually work the other way around.

Edited April 8, 2011 by Breezy Trousers

[Silly_Girl]

Being in an affair didn't affect my self-esteem, in many ways, because of the rewards of the relationship for me, it boosted it.

 

But it knocked my confidence when it ended. I lost faith in my ability to understand a situation or to trust how someone else feels (perhaps vs what they say). It made me wary.

Edited April 8, 2011 by Silly_Girl

[spice4life]

What surprises me the most about the EA I was in is that is has done SUCH a hatchet job on my self esteem.

 

For the last decade I've had relatively healthy self-esteem. I've struggled with self esteem since my teen years, but in my late 20s and ESPECIALLY since I hit my 30s I feel like I've come into my own a bit. I've been working on s/e for a long time.

 

What is it that takes a moderately well-adjusted person and makes them feel like a worthless piece of crap if Mr. X doesn't call/compliment/flirt/show up....whatever? If a friend did 1/2 of the things MM has done, I'd simply stop being friends with her, and I wouldn't feel bad about myself...I'd think, this person isn't a good friend, her loss, and I would move on.

 

I have been working very hard since New Year's to get healthy, working out and losing weight, wearing more form fitting clothing as I lose, fixing my hair a bit more than usual. I must've received 10 compliments this week alone from friends/people at work, but bc MM (who sees me at work every day) hasn't complimented me, it's like the other compliments are meaningless.

 

Have others experienced this drop in self-esteem? And such a strong craving for the AP's approval? Can anybody speculate as to WHY this occurs? It's frustrating and ridiculous, and it has happened so quickly.

 

Absolutely without a doubt it effected mine. But and that is a big BUT, it was not the MM's fault, it was mine. I found, through therapy, the affair was just a symptom of what ailed me on the inside. And to it's credit, it brought that issue to the surface and I was able to deal with it and get rid of it once and for all. When you end up in a situation that bugs you out...lol...it means there is work you need to do on the inside. I am now wrestling with trying to break the relationship dynamic the affair helped to create, so I can love and trust more openly. It's a tough one though. I've developed a HUGE fear of rejection that I am really struggling to get past and let me tell you...I hate it! One day I feel strong and say to myself, "okay, I can do this, I can get past this" and the next the fear takes over again and I retreat. It sucks...totally sucks! It prevents me from addressing other things I need to address because it stops me and I freeze up. Then the self esteem issues roll right back in.

 

I like who I am too, but getting rid of the fear of rejection and feeling like I have hold in how I feel, is a tough habit to break. Again, my issue and one I am working VERY hard to overcome.

 

I don't know if this makes any sense, but this has played a part in putting a ding, right next to the other ones in the self esteem.

[SoMovinOn]

My self esteem is usually high. I haven't noticed my A having any impact on it. If it has, it would probably be that it makes it a little higher than normal.

 

I haven't done anything as far as changing my appearance or my clothes. I've always liked to look good and dress well.

[Heart On]

Being in an affair didn't affect my self-esteem, in many ways, because of the rewards of the relationship for me, it boosted it.

 

But it knocked my confidence when it ended. I lost faith in my ability to understand a situation or to trust how someone else feels (perhaps vs what they say). It made me wary.

 

I agree wholeheartedly,and this is the only conclusion I could draw

after my experience.

 

http://www.runboard.com/bnarcissisticabuserecovery.f21.t25

[Noregret]

Oh yeah you bet! I am usually very happy, bubbly and chirpy but this thing brought my self-esteem down to -00. I questioned myself just ONCE if I was really worth so little?? And the answer came back as NO! Yes, it was my fault - I let him do this to me! But once he left, I started taking care of myself and it did wonders. I read books and articles on how to boost your self-esteem, how to feel good about your self and it did well. But yeah, it was a HUGE mental toll...! I guess I had to go through this, to get over him and move on, else I would have compared everyone to him.. and that is something you don't want to do..

 

But now I am better. What is funny is that today he is wearing my favorite sweater, and I don't feel a THING! And that too, days before my birthday, since I "might" be off on my birthday... Guess what? I'm showing up, on his face! That is called self-esteem...don't run away - face it! The last time he wore this sweater was on my birthday and I remember what all happened...! So exactly after a year. lol... I find that once you get your power back, you decide what effects you and what doesn't.

[carhill]

Have others experienced this drop in self-esteem?

Yes, though primarily when younger (20's) and naive about the 'ways of the world'. More recently, I found the experiences empowering, likely due to more life experience.

And such a strong craving for the AP's approval? Can anybody speculate as to WHY this occurs?

Thus is the nature of infatuation and love, that it is necessarily focused outside of oneself. The feelings might be elemental and immutable, but the reactions and actions are choices. Again, this is an aspect where life experience assists in a healthier resolution.

 

In my case, I can point to the psychological therapy in MC as pivotal in putting the pieces of the puzzle together, even though, ostensibly, the therapy was an effort to save our M from my infidelity. I personally feel it was a combination of the therapy *and* seeing infidelity from both sides of the street (feeling betrayed and betraying) which was ultimately the vehicle to free my psyche from those unhealthy dynamics. The boundaries have been tested since and I've felt quite positive about enforcing them; a real self-esteem booster, even when recognizing infatuation, attraction and/or love. It's a totally different viewpoint now.

[TurboGirl]

but struggling to find my way again.

 

At first the A is such a boost for your ego and you feel great, desireable, etc. I was so weak and gave in to this MM who was pursuing me for validation that I was attractive, desirable, etc. This MM is a very powerful guy in his day to day life, and I was so flattered that he wanted to spend time with me. HAAAAAAAA.

 

After about 18 months when I started to see that I was just another notch, and not "special" as my xMM told me many times, reality started to hit & I knew I had to end it, somehow.

 

Frankly I am still in a not so good place and unhappy with my behaviour. My opinions have changed after reading so many posts here on LS, and seeing the pain that an A can cause others. Not to mention the pain of having to get over the fact that I was an OW... something I never in a million years thought I would be. Sigh. It will take time to heal.

[What is available]

I agree wholeheartedly,and this is the only conclusion I could draw

after my experience.

 

http://www.runboard.com/bnarcissisticabuserecovery.f21.t25

 

 

Absolutely agree with this, and have found this link to help me as well as it fit my situation and offered an explanation - mostly as to myself, not him.

[ladydesigner]

I agree wholeheartedly,and this is the only conclusion I could draw

after my experience.

 

http://www.runboard.com/bnarcissisticabuserecovery.f21.t25

 

Heart On I must say the links you have been providing in your posts have been really eye opening for me. They describe my XOM and our A dynamic perfectly.

 

My self-esteem had always been high, it's gotten knocked around a bit, but never to the point it was after my A ended. I have never been tricked in a way that the XOM treated me. He was/is a Personality B. I was idealized and then devalued and discarded. It was a horrific feeling.

 

I am recovering and do feel I have my self-esteem back. It took me believing in myself and knowing who I am and finally realizing that what my XOM thinks of me has no bearing on how I view myself. F**k him.

[Heart On]

Heart On I must say the links you have been providing in your posts have been really eye opening for me. They describe my XOM and our A dynamic perfectly.

 

My self-esteem had always been high, it's gotten knocked around a bit, but never to the point it was after my A ended. I have never been tricked in a way that the XOM treated me. He was/is a Personality B. I was idealized and then devalued and discarded. It was a horrific feeling.

 

I am recovering and do feel I have my self-esteem back. It took me believing in myself and knowing who I am and finally realizing that what my XOM thinks of me has no bearing on how I view myself. F**k him.

 

'Amen' to that last statement! And yes,I can also say finding what I have out over the years was eye-opening to say the least!~

 

Scary really that I could be so easily lead on, played,duped and exploited to the point that I lost all confidence in my own good judgement!

I couldn't trust myself,let alone men for a long time.I was built up just to be destroyed, emotionally speaking, by someone who 'needed" my strength and sucked it up like an emotional vampire.

 

I know why now,but "Gaslighting" wasn't a known tactic used against me until I started to ask WHY? WHAT? WHO the HELL are YOU!?

The first thing I ever googled 11 years ago to figure this all out was:

'Pathological Liar'.You can imagine where that took me.

 

You used the word 'tricked".

I used the word 'bamboozled'!

 

 

I have to say,

It's sooo nice to find a forum that doesn't seem to have cliques and "veterans" who feel threatened by any opinion other than thier own, and a pension for invalidation and censorship!!!

 

I swear I have felt triggered and revictimized more in forums of the past,than by my xNmm or xH by far! Oddly enough,the last place that bullied me out,inadvertantly gave me this link....F*ck them very much! lol

 

Thankfully,there were a few wise and compassionate women in my healing past that pointed thier finger at the core issues for me to see and use and now pass onto others about my own issues,and those of men who can't seem to sh*t or get off the pot,but find no problem with exploiting women who love them.

 

Freakin' Cake Eaters from hell!

 

This place also truly helped me find my bearings and begin to heal and STOP taking a http://www.lovefraud.com/ and his audacity and lack of empathy or conscience personally.This sociopathology isn't just in MEN,I want to add, for anyone being strung along by a MW!

 

I will continue "paying it forward" out of much gratitude for what others have taught me over the years,to empower my voice,and regain and validate my own voice!

 

He may have gotten away with emotional murder because I didn't have it in me to "murder him bacK"....but his HARM is not the LAST WORD!

 

Success is the best revenge!~

 

And I am here to say.....I am ONTO YOU!

 

Too bad your wife isn't.

[blueroses10]

Ditto.:o:o

 

 

Being in an affair didn't affect my self-esteem, in many ways, because of the rewards of the relationship for me, it boosted it.

 

But it knocked my confidence when it ended. I lost faith in my ability to understand a situation or to trust how someone else feels (perhaps vs what they say). It made me wary.

[so-wrong]

I used to see myself as a strong, independent woman & my MM treated me wonderfully (until D Day anyway). After this point he changed & says things like 'it wasn't him' & he 'can't understand what made him have the A', so he is basically in total denial. But that has had a dreadful effect on my self-esteem as I feel like he's devaluing what we shared & I feel like an absolute nobody. His BS pushed for NC which I broke a few times, but this made me feel even worse. For the time being at least I have gone NC myself & feel a little stronger for it.

[Silly_Girl]

I used to see myself as a strong, independent woman & my MM treated me wonderfully (until D Day anyway). After this point he changed & says things like 'it wasn't him' & he 'can't understand what made him have the A', so he is basically in total denial. But that has had a dreadful effect on my self-esteem as I feel like he's devaluing what we shared & I feel like an absolute nobody. His BS pushed for NC which I broke a few times, but this made me feel even worse. For the time being at least I have gone NC myself & feel a little stronger for it.

 

You're NOT a nobody. If you felt it was more than a booty call - it was. He may be reacting in the only way he feels he can right now. It doesn't mean you didn't mean anything. These are tough times. Treat yourself well, first and foremost.

[Spark1111]

Absolutely without a doubt it effected mine. But and that is a big BUT, it was not the MM's fault, it was mine. I found, through therapy, the affair was just a symptom of what ailed me on the inside. And to it's credit, it brought that issue to the surface and I was able to deal with it and get rid of it once and for all. When you end up in a situation that bugs you out...lol...it means there is work you need to do on the inside. I am now wrestling with trying to break the relationship dynamic the affair helped to create, so I can love and trust more openly. It's a tough one though. I've developed a HUGE fear of rejection that I am really struggling to get past and let me tell you...I hate it! One day I feel strong and say to myself, "okay, I can do this, I can get past this" and the next the fear takes over again and I retreat. It sucks...totally sucks! It prevents me from addressing other things I need to address because it stops me and I freeze up. Then the self esteem issues roll right back in.

 

I like who I am too, but getting rid of the fear of rejection and feeling like I have hold in how I feel, is a tough habit to break. Again, my issue and one I am working VERY hard to overcome.

 

I don't know if this makes any sense, but this has played a part in putting a ding, right next to the other ones in the self esteem.

 

This is a PERFECT description of how a BS feels when she/he discovers the existance of the OW/OM!

 

During the affair, we too experienced the intermittent affection, the emotional distance that is never explained, the coldness at times for no reason we can fathom.

 

Our self-esteem takes a huge hit to discover the existence of the AP. In a way it is a relief to discover the AP as it explains soooo much of the subtle mistreatment of us by our spouse. But the hit to our self esteem, self-image and our ability to trust our own perceptions of the world can take years to overcome.

 

You may have experienced the gut-wrenching rejection at the end of the affair. We experienced that very same gut-wrenching rejection at the beginning of the affair.

 

Only we did not know nor understand what was happening until we discovered your existence.

 

I always said we had much more in common than many believed. We loved the same broken man.

[ChocCheesecake]

Thank you all for sharing your experiences/insights.

 

All I can say is Thank God my EA/flirtation didn't progress to a physical relationship or a long term A, because I can only imagine how much lower the lows would be.

 

But I am feeling better, bit by bit. My worth is not equated with how much attention he is or isn't showering me with.

[OWoman]

My self esteem is usually high. I haven't noticed my A having any impact on it. If it has, it would probably be that it makes it a little higher than normal.

 

That was my experience too.

 

I can't, however, claim that it had zero impact on my behaviour, as the fact that I'm now a happily MW living on the other side of the world attests otherwise!

[lynne76]

My self esteem was at first boosted by the A, because my MM is an extremely well-known person and also extremely handsome...so at first I felt really good because I "got" him, and the added bonus was our connection was actually very real and truthful. It just felt so nice to have a smart, handsome man by my side, exactly the kind of man I'd longed to have "one day" in my life. When I met him, it was fireworks for both of us and it felt like my dreams were finally coming true. As time went on though, my self esteem (and I should say that it wasn't "bad" or "low" when I met him -- I was a confident person -- it just went up that much more when I fell in love with him -- everything felt so good and right) took a toll because I kept comparing myself to his wife. That's still my toughest battle. She's small and tiny, and I'm 5'9. She fits under his arm even when she's in high heels, and I towered over him, almost even when I was in flats. He can lift her up, but with me, I'm too big (though he's strong). She has lovely clothes because he pays for them for her...I survive on a very slim salary and am just not as well dressed....all of these kinds of thoughts really bugged me and still do....because I feel like I got passed over, even though I KNOW that's not really the case. Had he met me when he was single, we would have made a terrific couple. But he met her 10 years ago when he was ready to settle down and there's no looking back for him. Admittedly, I took him by surprise, our whole affair was surreal to both of us, but nevertheless, I find myself still looking at photos of her too much and hating that she seems to be "everything I'm not" and "no wonder he chose her....". It can be hard to accept I guess, and it definitely erodes self-esteem.