ex is getting married

[susanl]

Well I have posted here before and everyone has helped but here is the new problem. I am still dating the same guy for 7 months--been divorced 9 months and this guy has showed me what true happiness is and he is great with my children and his kids like me alot. This is obviously not the problem. My children are 19 (she is a freshmen in college) and 17 (jr in high school).

 

Well the my daughter called me a week ago and told me that "dad" is getting married--he told her over the phone and my son he met for 5 min in a parking lot. Now my daughter has yet to meet her and my son met her for 5 min the day the dad told him he was getting married. WEll my daughter is pissed and hurt becuase her words are "my step mom could walk in this room and i wouldn't know her"--by the way she is coming home this weekend --so why couldn't he have just waited. My son is one of those kind of non emotional what ever makes you happy but doesn't hurt anyone kind of kids. WEll she --his fiance just called my daughter the other day to chat--she said they spoke for a couple of minutes about the weather--lol--and that was it. Today I find out from my ex that originally there were no plans to get married any time soon but now they are getting married this summer and when he takes the kids on vacation she is going. Also he is going to ask or has asked my son to be best man.

 

Now to add a few more facts to this --a couple of things to understand---I am glad he has found someone else--even though he has only dated her a month--that is his choice. I am extremely upset with the way he handled telling the kids---I also am kind of resentful that he can just up and marry with no regard to the children---I would love to marry the man I am dating but we know because of my sons age and we live about 30 minutes away there really is no way of moving right now. But hey the ex is scott free to do whatever he wants. I also don't know what to do about my daughter --he sent her a picture of the new step mom today and she found out that son is going to be best man--she has still yet to meet her--this really upsets her.

 

Now for questions from me--how do you deal with any changes that might happen with new wife--i know becuase of the ages of my children they can choose but right now the daughter doesn't want to go to the wedding-

 

Anyhow sorry for the long post but I need some answers and really i am just lost in my feelings for my daughter and how she feels and what about my son and how do you deal with an exes new wife--not that that really has anything to do with me. Oh one more thing he was a finanacial dad during the 19 years of marriage but not very supportive to the kids emotionally at all. Thanks for all the help.

[brashgal]

I'm dealing with similar issues with my adult son (18). He complains bitterly to me about different things his Dad does or mostly doesn't do. I told him that there are some situations that I just can't get in the middle of - you my son are an adult now and need to handle your own relationship with your father. I also told him that he would have to be the adult in some situations with his Dad (who holds grudges and often acts childishly) if he wants to maintain the relationship - it's up to him.

 

So even though your ex is behaving immaturely, your daughter is the one to say something to him - not you. She has to forge her own relationship with him and the ex. You can counsel her to think carefully before she makes the decision - will this cut her dad out of her life for good? And you may have to give her the same advice I give my son - be the adult in this relationship - don't stoop to his level.

 

Regarding your own situation with the guy you are seeing, you have to do what you think is best for your son's situation - if you think it's better to wait until he moves out to go to college then so be it. You can't worry about the ex or 'fairness' - isn't this partially the reason you split from him to begin with? Be happy that you don't have to put up with his crap on a regular basis. That is what I tell myself anyway.

[susanl]

I agree with you this is something I can't and won't get in the middle of and she does need tomake her own decisions. I don't think she could ever stoop to his level--lol. But again I feel so bad for her --she is so mature but has been so hurt by this situation. and then my son just doesn't think anything of this. I guess as the divorce gets further and further in the future the resentment factor gets easier to deal with then it is right now.

As with my situation we are still talking about what to do--I am fortunate that my son is a great kid, good student and a responsible driver so I have all those things going for me.

Thanks again

[HokeyReligions]

All you can do is be honest with your daughter and tell her that the way she was told was wrong, but that is in the past. Be supportive of her--if she does not want to go to the wedding then she does not have to. She's nearly an adult, but she still needs your love and your guidance. She needs to be civil to her dad's new wife, but she doesn't have to love her. She needs to be respectful of any new rules or requirements that her step mother may set down when she is visiting, but she does not have to be a doormat either. Be there for her and help her sort through the new things that come up. Everything will get evened out and routine--it just takes time to get to know someone. The step-mother is probably very nervous too.

[brashgal]

Susanl - regarding what Hokey just said - yes, they need a lot of support. I'm glad my son comes to me about his feelings - sometimes they just want someone to listen rather than a plan of action.

 

Your daughter may change her mind about the wedding. One thing that you can tell her is that if she finds herself liking the fiancee, it doesn't take away from you - you and your ex just weren't meant to be. Maybe this woman will get your ex to consider the kids more often - she may have a positive effect.

 

I'm hoping so for your sake.