Broke out of "abusive" relationship, but don't feel like I did the right thing?

[That_girl]

I feel like I made a mistake. I cared about him and now that I've dumped him, he will move on.

 

I feel like everything he's done can be forgiven and that he hasn't actually abused me yet.

For example:

1.) When he cheated, it was the beggining of the relationship, we barely knew each other, and he had tried a drug that made him act differently than he normally would. He doesn't do drugs regularly, or even often. And he was on vacation. Forgivable...

 

2.) When he criticizes me or unintentionally puts me down by saying that I should do something with myself, it's probably because he was raised in a family where the dad motivated him that way. I know that my dad did the same thing....he would criticize in attempt in motivate us.

 

3.) Even though he has grabbed my arms (not hard enough to leave bruises) or shook me, or punched walls/street posts/his own hands etc....... he has never actually laid a hand on me. And he swears he never would. I believe him, he's just a guy who has temper issues. My brother does too, but he has never hit a woman. Maybe my ex is the same and just takes his anger out on objects.

 

4.) He loves me. He is always thinking of me always, always returns calls or emails, would meet me in a second if i needed anything. He makes me laugh, he is charming, and he is intense. Also really sensitive and sweet. I love him, just the scent of him makes my knees shake and want to crumble.

 

 

He says that I am always angry, and overexagerate issues. Which is true, I m always complaining. Maybe I really do complain too much. Maybe I do take things the wrong way all the time.

 

He did everythng he could to get me into his life before. And my friends kept telling me to get out, that he was abusive and selfish. So I did. WHY DO I FEEL LIKE THIS IS THE BIGGEST MISTAKE I'VE EVER MADE????

 

I just want him to be there for me again. This is terrrible.....and yeah, I made an appointment with my shrink yesterday. Any other advice?

[LittleTiger]

Yes, he has abused you. All of the things you describe are abuse - he's just done a really good job of convincing you that he's not that bad.....but he is!

 

Everything you say points to him being dangerous, never mind abusive. If he has a violent temper it's just a matter of time before he is violent towards you too - you say he's already grabbed your arms in anger (very clever of him not to leave bruises)! Do you want to end up living in fear of your life? Whatever behaviours he's displaying now it will get far, far worse unless you take action - which means either laying down strict boundaries or staying out of the relationship.

 

It's good that you're seeing your shrink and it wouldn't be a bad idea to print off your post and take it along to your appointment. You need some helping building up your self esteem and learning to be assertive so that neither he, nor any other man, can treat you with so little respect in the future.

 

Get a copy of 'Why Does He Do That', by Lundy Bancroft. You'll find lots of helpful information in there that might dissuade you from going back to him. I would never recommend a woman stay with a violent man but if you do find yourself back in a relationship with him you might find the website www.narcissimcured.com helpful. It's about working on yourself and learning how to demand respect from your abusive partner.

[smudge21]

You're doing what we all do when something ends, you're only seeing the good. You're unable to remember how bad it was or why you decided to leave as you're missing him so much. It's common. Only once those feelings have past will you realise you did the right thing, or at least be able to think straight and see the truth.

 

From your post it's clear you're making excuses for his behaviour, even going as far as blaming yourself. This isn't the real you thinking, this is the emotional state you're in controlling your thoughts.

 

You need to take some time and get yourself into a better place where you can look at this objectively, and that will only come after some long NC, so you can move past this emotional bond you still have.

 

I hate, truly hate, anyone that abuses a partner, be they male or female. The fact you used the word abuse also indicates that that is what you considered it to be, in some respect. Plus, abuse doesn't have to always be physical. Scars aren't always on the outside.

 

I'm sure others will have some thoughts on this but for my two cents, I think you're letting all the usual feelings of loss and sadness following a breakup control your thoughts and you need to take some time out.

[That_girl]

Hi thanks for the responses. I do believe that this is *logically* the best decision. But I also feel like EVERYONE has issues. I resent my previous ex (before this one) because he bailed on me and my issues. I've always believed that love needs to be nurtured and held on to. Maybe it's because my parents gave up on each other and I resented them for years. Maybe it's because I have abandonment issues. I don't know....

I just feel like I'm going to regret this when he meets someone else and is happier with them. Maybe he will meet someone better.

 

I love him. I just don't want to give him another chance if it means ruining my own life in the process. Maybe I'm just being paranoid because I was emotionally and physically abused when I was younger by my first boyfriend. The current ex shows some of the same behaviours like hitting objects. I just don't want to go through that again. The question is how will I EVER know if he be that way. I don't want to lose someone I love based on the ASSUMPTION that he's going to hit me.

[LittleTiger]

The question is how will I EVER know if he be that way. I don't want to lose someone I love based on the ASSUMPTION that he's going to hit me.

 

You will never know for sure if he's going to hit you, but bearing in mind that he's already physically assaulted you by grabbing your arms, the odds are that he will. Maybe not for years ..... but he almost certainly will. Also remember - he only has to hit you once to kill you!

 

Even if he never actually hits you with enough force to cause physical damage, do you really want to spend your life being controlled by him - because that's what this is about. If he doesn't use his fists, he will psychologically and emotionally torment you until you haven't a clue where reality starts and finishes. He will destroy what little self esteem you currently have. He is not criticising you to motivate you, he is criticising you to keep you in your place - beneath him!

 

Please read the book I suggested - you can buy it on Amazon and it's not expensive. It's a real eye opener and I'm sure it will give you the answers you need to help you make a decision.

 

You are already talking like an abused woman, just by the way you're making excuses for him and taking the blame yourself. Does he turn everything around to make it your fault by any chance? If you can admit that he's abusing you, do some research on abusive men, do some serious work on your self esteem and learn how to be assertive and set (and enforce) rigid boundaries, then you might be able to have a relationship with him in the future - if you still want to.

 

As it currently stands you are not strong enough to cope with a man like this. Your history makes you a perfect abuse victim and your ex-boyfriend knows it. That means you are in danger of ruining your entire life, not to mention risking your life, by being with him.

 

Loving someone does not involve control, fear, criticism, mind games or physical aggression of any sort. Abusive men are nearly always charming and often sensitive and intense (I'd be willing to bet he's even fantastic in bed) but, unless you are able to set strict boundaries and enforce them in your relationship, his 'charming' episodes will get shorter and his abusive espisodes will get longer. Very soon you'll be wondering what happened to that charming, sensitive man you fell in love with.

 

Please don't condemn yourself to life with an abusive man.

[BeginAgain]

 

It is like this song is the soundtrack of your life which pretty much makes your life a hurrrrlarious cliche. Some people enjoy living pointless cliches. Not much can be done for them.

[Pens55]

The current ex shows some of the same behaviours like hitting objects.

 

Your OP and this quote tells me enough. I'm a guy, and I can honestly tell you, I've never had the impulse to verbally abuse, hit, grab, etc. any woman in my life. Yes, I've been mad as hell, but there is a line all MEN know cannot be crossed.

 

Coming out of an abusive relationship, you often feel that "its your fault"...its not. A man that deserves your love will not treat you in that way. I know its hard, but in time you will realize that you made the right decision and will feel relief when you rediscover what a real, loving relationship is.

[Fufu]

As long as he is abusing you, he is not loving you.

[DollyGirl12]

I have to agree with everyone else here. Some abusers are outright, in your face, and some are more subtle. The next time it might not be a wall or sign that he punches, it might be you.

After my relationship ended I really started doing some relecting. My ex would yell and degrade his mother for stupid things, like not rolling up package in the cereal box the right way. There were other occasions where if we were looking for something he would start saying "move, move, move", instead of "excuse me". I reminded him that I was not some cattle that he was herding. He had a broken cabinet in his bathroom that he told me he had punched a hole in when he was in pain. Now, after many years what would he be saying/doing? Things don't usually get better, they usually get worse, unless that person realizes that they have a problem and get help for it.

You deserve better!!!!

[That_girl]

Dollygirl12, did he ever hit you? I'm just curious because my now ex did the same thing. He would punch walls and stuff. Told me that when he was younger, he actually blacked out once and didnt know what he was doing. He told me he has gone to see a shrink before too. But I guess he never got over his issues.

 

He swears up and down that he has never hit a woman. He is actually offended that I would even think that. I just don't know what to believe. I want to call/text him so bad.

 

The first time we broke up he did the most EXTREME things to get me back. He had cheated, and it was at the very beginning of our relationship. He knew he had messed up and tried everything in his power to redeem himself. And he did to some extent. I'm starting to forget why I broke up with him in the first place. But I guess now he realizes that I'm not perfect either. And that he wasn't happy either. And I haven't heard a word from him in a week. This is all making me feel like it must somehow be my fault.

 

My last breakup with my previous ex was nothing like this because he dumped me, so I knew I had no choice but to move on. And of course later he came crawling back regretting it. I'm afraid of being the one who ends up regretting it later on down the line.

[DollyGirl12]

Oh goodness no,,,,he never hit me or laid a hand on me in any way, shape or form. But he would nit pick,,,pick pick pick at the smallest, stupidest things. And the way he would constantly pick at his mother, well that really started getting to me to the point that I said something about it to him. He was pushy and bossy, but soft and cuddly and affectionate.

There were a few times that he made me feel like a complete piece of crap. One time I warmed his coffee in the microwave and it must have been to hot. He took a sip and slammed the cup on the counter because he burned his tongue. I've done that before and I did not react that way. Another time he was laying on the couch and I walked by him and caressed the top of his head. He was getting headaches that week and he snapped and yelled at me and told me to never touch the top of his head again. Another time we had a tiff a few days before. I drove to his house, 2 hours away, for a weekend with him. He was still obviously peeved. He was trying to teach me something and slammed a notebook on the table and ordered me to start taking notes, to the point I was in tears.

So, no hitting, slapping, kicking type of abuse. The more subtle type that makes you wonder what you are doing so wrong all the time.

With regard to cheating, read the post I just wrote. Hopefully it will make you feel better. You are not at fault so please stop blaming yourself!!

[That_girl]

Your ex sounds like a real piece of work. How come I can see how awful yours was, but not mine? LOL

 

The scenarios are a bit different, but then again I have only been with mine for about 6 months. I'd be willing to bet that things just get worse and worse. Why do they get worse though? Is it because they realize that we're capable of leaving and get angry at that? Is it because they feel like we'll put up with anything?

 

I couldn't stand the fact that my ex told me to read the news more so I could have a discussion about current events with him. I told him to go **** himself and that was the end.

[DollyGirl12]

Well, yeah, he was a piece of work. And he's the type that I would not have guessed in a million years that he was that kind of guy. We were friends for over a year in a common interest group that we belonged to. He always seemed like the kind of guy that wanted nothing more than a loving, honest, trusting relationship with someone. But one comment that he always made stuck in my head and surfaced afterwards...."everyone always leaves me". Hmmmm!!!

 

They do it, and it usually does get worse (unless they get help) because they know they can do it. That old saying "people will treat you the way you allow them to" is worth a million bucks!!!

 

When things end we might be angry at first, but then when we find ourselves alone we tend to remember all the "good stuff". For me, I had to stop that immediately. Had I ever gone back to him I would have been completely miserable, always wondering what he was doing.

 

And with someone who is abusive, passively or outright, you will always feel like you are walking on eggshells. It's just not worth it.

[That_girl]

Wow, that's crazy! My ex said the EXACT same thing: "everyone always leaves me".

 

It creeps me out how he fits the classic profile to a T, and I STILL have trouble seeing it.

[LittleTiger]

Your ex sounds like a real piece of work. How come I can see how awful yours was, but not mine? LOL

 

The scenarios are a bit different, but then again I have only been with mine for about 6 months. I'd be willing to bet that things just get worse and worse. Why do they get worse though? Is it because they realize that we're capable of leaving and get angry at that? Is it because they feel like we'll put up with anything?

 

I couldn't stand the fact that my ex told me to read the news more so I could have a discussion about current events with him. I told him to go **** himself and that was the end.

 

At the risk of sounding like a broken record - please read Why Does He Do That by Lundy Bancroft BEFORE you go back to your ex.

 

That book will answer all your questions - PLEASE read it.

 

You may be a stranger on an internet forum but I care what happens to you. The fact that you can't see how bad your ex is isn't funny - it's frightening.

 

If you go back to this man now you will never get away from him. It's called traumatic bonding. The longer you are with him, the longer he abuses you, the more attached you will get and the less likely you are to leave. If you're ever going to get away, you have more chance of doing it now.

 

Tell your friends and family how he behaves. Tell his friends and family. Tell everyone you know. Otherwise, before you know it, he'll be telling everyone it's you who is crazy and you'll have nowhere to turn for support.

 

If you do go back, you must ask him to get into an abuser programme and you must work on your own self-esteem and emotional intelligence. You have to be very strong to stand up to an abuser and, no offence, but you don't strike me as a strong woman.

[That_girl]

I've read the Bancroft book. And yes, he fits the abusive man profile perfectly. But I am getting confused, some people are saying it can be handled...others are saying I should run.

 

I'll admit, I'm not the strongest person and I wouldn't even know where to start with trying to maintain this relationship. I have alot of my issues to deal with first...I need to understand why I would put up with this type of thing to begin with. But I mean I'm human....I see alot of my friends dealing with guys that are no good them. Some of them are really confident young women, but they still deal with them. We're only human at the end of the day, and this man found a way to "hook" up me essentially. I don't even want to go into all of the stuff he did when we broke up the first time; but let's just say he showed up at my door every week either with a 25 page letter or some other grandiose expression of affection. He CHEATED though. I realize how screwed this is logically. I'm an intelligent woman and I know all of the facts.

 

I'm only 25. I live alone, and although I have a degree, I don't have much going on career wise. This is also part of what is making me weak. But I have been through an abusive relationship before...when I was alot younger. I have the strength to leave this one. I already have. I just need the support to be able to STAY gone. Honestly, the people on this forum have really helped open my eyes alot in the past. Objective opinions are really important, especially in situations like this. I appreciate your post Little_Tiger, it is making me cry because I know you;re right. In fact, I'm going to have to re-read what you've said a few thousand times til it sinks in

 

But one thing you are wrong about is that although I may not be strong right this second, I know that I'm a strong woman. And I can be strong enough to see this through. I'm just lonely and stubborn.

[LittleTiger]

I've read the Bancroft book. And yes, he fits the abusive man profile perfectly. But I am getting confused, some people are saying it can be handled...others are saying I should run.

 

Once you have managed to leave an abusive relationship safely, you should stay out of it....... but I know enough about how you're feeling to understand why you want to go back......and I'm not foolish enough to assume you're just going to say 'oh they said I shouldn't, so I won't'. Unfortunately, it's not that simple.

 

Please don't go back now that you've escaped, especially since you've said that you're young and alone. Focus on your career and develop yourself into a really strong women so that noone will be able to do this to you again. It may take a little while but it will be time well spent.

 

Once you tell your friends and family how he treated you, you will have a support network and I'm sure, they too, will be telling you to stay away. There are other men in the world who will treat you with the love and respect that you deserve - please give yourself a chance to find one.

[That_girl]

I have told everyone I know about the situation. They have all known for a while and want me to stay away from him. In fact, I'm actually pissing my friends off because I haven't been able to stop talking about him.

 

I was tempted to pick up the phone and call him a few times today.....it just hurts so much. But I didn't. It's pointless. That's why it hurts so much. Because there is nothing I can do about it.

 

I have been pretty pathetic these past few weeks, moping around, unable to concentrate. I've been trying to get in contact with the therapist I was referred to but he's busy all month.

 

I guess I should put down the cigarettes, get up and go do something. It's a beautiful day out.

[Jerrica]

Your ex is abusive. I know it's hard to believe, and abused women will stay in denial about just how bad things really are.

 

My ex was very abusive, I am also 25 and my very first relationship was also abusive, it seems like we've lived the same life!!

 

it starts out small with verbal, breaking things, punching walls. One day he WILL get physical with you. My ex raised his fist at me a few times, threatened to beat the sh*t out of me, and would grab me and shake me. I denied it all, made up excuses, he was so convincing to make me think it was ME that made him act that way. It's not you and it was NEVER me!!!!

 

Everything you're feeling is SO normal, it's the cycle of abuse and it's addictive, each time you go through a cycle, it takes a part of you away and diminishes your self worth until you NEED them to feel good about yourself. If you stay with this man he WILL take all your power and diminish you until you have nothing left of yourself and it will be even harder to pick yourself up.

 

PLEASE give yourself time until you can think clearly and see the reality of the abuse and just how bad it really is. You are still letting his blaming convince you that it is you and only time away from him will allow the rose glasses to come off and you'll get your self worth back and you WILL want better for yourself!!!

 

Are there any support groups in your area for abused women? I've only realized this week that I need to get help, I've only finally admitted this week how bad the abuse was and how scared I was of him. I'm looking for a support group in my area right now and my therapist said this will really help.

[That_girl]

I made another mistake. I texted him yesterday to see if he still wanted to talk, and he said he does but wasn't sure when. Now he is either playing games with me to make me feel like the one that was rejected. Or he genuinely doesnt care about me.

 

I am SO DUMB. I went against all of the advice given to me here, and decided to give him an extra chance to say his piece (which i thought he needed to do) and now he is the one turning me away.

 

Thank for all of the advice, but I am hopeless. And in even more pain than before.

[That_girl]

I took him back the last time we broke up. When he cheated and became a psycho- sending me flowers, 50 pages letters etc. Why do I want him to do the same thing now? It's clearly better that he backs off that way I can move forward too. But it's almost like I'm wishing he begged so that I would feel better and let him back in.

 

I need immediate psychological help. I feel so depressed now and I actually feel like I'm the one who got dumped.

[dreamingoftigers]

I think that intense relationships can be particularly addicting and maybe even part of a strange bonding cycle.

 

It really makes sense that there would be a healthy way to bond and an unstable unhealthy way to do it too, that could be a major part of the problem, your brain was just kicking the cycle up.

[That_girl]

Yeah definitely unhealthy. But it's so hard to break away from it. I still want this man...even after everything. My logic is so sound, but yet I can't seem to pry myself away from him.

[betterdeal]

I think you can stop calling yourself names! Whatever goes on with you and him, you display highly critical thinking that is self-defeating. You're not dumb or pathetic or any of these negative things you call yourself. Did anyone else call you similar things in your past (maybe your ex, people at school, family) perchance?

 

It's okay to feel whatever it is you feel. All feelings are real. All feelings are valid. By accepting this, and finding better ways to honour those feelings, you can get yourself to a better place in life. So accept that you enjoyed the good times and disliked the bad times.

 

Say nice things to yourself. It may sound weird, but our inner self, our subconscious, where all our feelings emanate from, is very simple when it comes to words. It knows only a few and they are feeling words. Words that connect with events that made you feel good or bad in your childhood.

 

So saying nice things to yourself will make you feel better. This is how hypnosis works and how top coaches help athletes / business leaders / anyone become more self-confident. You're a beautiful, kind, thoughtful, caring, attractive, intelligent, clever, bright young soul. Tell yourself these things (literally in your head) at least 5 times a day.

 

The reason you are confused and cannot focus is you are under stress and have been for a sustained period. When we are stressed blood is directed to the skeletal and cardiac muscles, ready to fight or run, and less blood goes to the other organs. Organs like the liver, kidneys, frontal lobe of the brain go into reserve mode. They function at as low a level of energy usage as is possible to remain healthy. Over a sustained period, this means your ability to rationalise reduces as the frontal lobe in is power-save mode. There is no need to rationalise when facing a wolf / bear / tiger - there is a need to be able to run or fight.

 

So the confusion and lack of mental focus is just a biophysical reaction. Now that the thing that causes you to be stressed - this man and the way you two interact - is not around, you can come down from stress mode. You're safe.

 

Try breathing exercises. Long, deep breathes help to calm us down. Have a relaxing bath. See your doctor and get some sleeping pills if you need help sleeping. Eat healthy food to help nourish your brain, body, and soul.

 

It's time to start treating yourself really well. You deserve to be treated well because you are a beautiful, kind, thoughtful, caring, attractive, intelligent, clever, bright young soul.

Edited April 12, 2011 by betterdeal

[That_girl]

Thank you so much better_deal. I was called all of those names all throughout my childhood by mostly family. My brother still calls me all the time to tell me what to do with my life and to call me an idiot for not doing it his way. My dad does the same, never really had any concern for me other than to tell me what I'm doing WRONG all of the time. He was never satisfied or pleased with the good things that I've done. And never ever helped me with getting my education. My mom is amazing, but she is very weak and was abused and taken advantage of by men all her life. Now she lives alone and is working at a supermarket. She comes home to three cats- three cats that definitely are adorable and sweet but three cats nonetheless!! I never want to end up like that. I want to eventually make enough money to take care of myself and my mom. I know that there will come a day when she can't do those hectic shifts at the supermarket every day.

 

When I look at your last statement, I actually realize that all of those things are true. I need to start pulling myself out of this hole I'm in. I'm under extreme amounts of stress.

 

But I realize that all of my issues can be fixed, and if not completely fixed- they can at least be changed. Starting with the ex. Unfortunately I was a little drunk last night and missing him. Now I have plans to meet with him tomorrow. I'm sure that we're not going to get back together. But he needs to talk. And I'm willing to give him that. He says he has been putting it off because he is in denial. And I think he knows that after this little talk that he's requested- I want it over and done with for good. No contact.

 

To Jerrica and all of the others that have experienced abuse within a relationship- it just doesn't seem fair does it? People always say that you learn from stuff like this. So far, I've just learned to have less faith. But I think I need to be more positive. There are better men out there, and people generally. Not everyone needs to abuse. I hope you all find what you're looking for eventually. Most people here are so genuinely caring. If they weren't- they wouldn't be trying to help a stranger on a message board sort out their life. So thanks again.