Broke out of "abusive" relationship, but don't feel like I did the right thing?

[kris-26]

Little Tiger- you seem to really know what your talking about...I was in a similar situation, wasnt physically abusive but exactly tramuatic bonding. I finally went NC and we have not spoken for three weeks....I still am sad and having trouble not thinking about things...how long do you think it takes to feel better??

 

and take from someone who was in the situation, get out now before its too late!

[betterdeal]

Do what you want to do. If that means being in contact with your ex, do that.

 

See if you can feel the difference between his issues and yours. Finding the difference between what is you and what is his is a good way to start finding out who we are.

 

From what you've said, you have had lots of negative feedback from your family. You can choose to be responsible for your own happiness and start giving yourself positive feedback.

 

In my experience, people who have learnt self-defeating patterns of thinking and behaviour take a fair bit of time to learn self-promoting patterns of thinking and behaving. When I say a fair bit of time, I mean months or years: not long compared to the lifetime it's taken to reach this stepping stone in your life-journey.

 

It can be delayed by having to deal with tricky relationships in the present. Having separated from this guy has reduced the amount of current conflict you have to deal with. Choose carefully how much energy and resources you'll afford him.

 

This is so about so much more than one lover. It's about finding your space in the world, and getting those aggressive monkeys off your back. Your family is going to be around a long time - improving those relationships is going to have long term benefits for you.

 

Lovers come and go. You are the one person who will always be there for you. Develop that sense of self and self-esteem.

 

Have a look for the book, "Too Nice For Your Own Good". Lots of good tips on self-improvement.

[LittleTiger]

Unfortunately I was a little drunk last night and missing him. Now I have plans to meet with him tomorrow. I'm sure that we're not going to get back together. But he needs to talk. And I'm willing to give him that. He says he has been putting it off because he is in denial. And I think he knows that after this little talk that he's requested- I want it over and done with for good. No contact.

 

That_girl, I strongly urge you not to meet him.

 

During and immediately after a break-up is the most dangerous time for someone who is being abused and trying to escape.

 

His refusal to talk initially was nothing to do with being in denial (that's just his excuse) - it was just another attempt to control you. You wanted to get back in touch - he wanted it too, but on his own terms. Now it's on his terms not yours.

 

He 'requested' it, you agreed. This could be a dangerous move.

 

One of two things is likely to happen:

 

1) He'll be on his 'super charming', 'best behaviour' self and reel you back in on his oh so smooth 'fishing line', probably straight into bed if he can manage it - great sex and an orgasm to produce that oxytocin bond - very clever -and you'll be back together before the end of the day.

 

Or

 

2) He'll start off sweet and, if he thinks he's getting nowhere, he'll turn aggressive and possibly violent - there's no knowing how violent!

 

The outcome you're hoping for is NOT going to happen. These are your two choices and, guess what........you don't get to choose which one it is.

[That_girl]

So neither of those two things happened. I just met up with him and I'm very confused. He acted completely normal, and I guess now I feel like I'm the unreasonable one.

 

He went on mostly about stuff that he's being doing for work, mentioning that things are really looking up for him. I kinda felt jealous and angry that he's rubbing in how well things are going for him, when I still feel like crap all the time.

 

Regarding the relationship, he said that doesnt fully understand why I'm doing this. That his intentions were never to insult/ hurt me. He said he would NEVER lay a hand on me, and that he can't control the fact that he hits stuff when he's upset. But that he thinks that men who hit women are disgusting.

 

He also said that he doesnt fully understand why I'm doing this. I feel like my reasons are now invalid. I honestly went blank. I don't know what I'm doing anymore. I love this guy. And it hurts to see him getting on with it so well.

 

He gave me my stuff and left. He didn't try and charm his way back into my life. He didn't even try to kiss me. I don't know if he's manipulating me or not. But if he is, it's working. Because I don't even know why I did this in the first place now. And I almost texted him immediately after he left to ask him to come back.

 

I'm so ****ed.

 

I don't know how I'm going to get over this now. Don't I need to be angry at him in order to get over it? He did say that this way my decision. And it was. But I don't know that I feel like giving up just yet. What is wrong with me??

[betterdeal]

There's nothing up with you. You're upset and confused, and stressed. Take your time to process those feelings. There's a lot of feelings inside that will take time to process, acknowledge, then let go of. You have all the time in the world to de-stress, find your own calmness, your own inner peace.

 

Work on you. Be your own best friend. You're upset and you can't quite untangle all the causes just yet, so just be patient and let it out when it's ready to come out, in a safe place.

 

Do you have any friends you can talk with or just hang out with, watch a film, you know, just have some fun with?

 

Maybe cut the booze down for now too.

[welikeincrowds]

So saying nice things to yourself will make you feel better. This is how hypnosis works and how top coaches help athletes / business leaders / anyone become more self-confident. You're a beautiful, kind, thoughtful, caring, attractive, intelligent, clever, bright young soul. Tell yourself these things (literally in your head) at least 5 times a day.

I've heard this advice multiple times from multiple sources from across the span of my life, and although it's rock solid, I could never bring myself to do it. I'm going to start doing it.

 

I kinda felt jealous and angry that he's rubbing in how well things are going for him, when I still feel like crap all the time.

Look, this is what broken people do. Would you ever do that to someone you loved? He's hurt. I'm not trying to vilify him, but to illustrate that this is just another example of the negativity in your relationship, and how you should not doubt that you are making a healthy decision by pulling yourself out of this.

 

What is wrong with me??

NOTHING!

 

You're facing some seriously confusing and fundamental ****. If you're not getting punched physically (yet), you're getting punched metaphorically. Just keep rolling with it because every day it gets just a little bit better. And by ending this, you're really doing an awesome job. Not texting him is an awesome job. Coming to Loveshack is an awesome job. It may not feel like it, but from what I read here, you are demonstrating courage. Just keep absorbing the advice from these great people, keep coming back here and talking it out. Soon the faith will come.

 

By the way, these feelings are not a reflection of your character. They are very much a product of the situation you are under and could happen to anyone. Would you expect someone who hasn't slept for 5 days to successfully run a marathon, or speak a complete sentence? We're human after all, and some reactions are simple, demonstrable fact -- things A, B, C will happen to any person P under conditions X, Y, Z.

 

And incidentally, that is part of why I can say that you have courage, because you are taking real steps in defiance, in power and anger and confusion to say No, to get away from this and into a healthier place, even though it's not a part of the formula or the plan. No matter how bad you think it is or how ****ed up you are or how many mistakes you think you made or how insignificant you think your progress is or isn't, just keep talking to us, about all of it.

[Eddie Edirol]

Its not that you feel like youre making a mistake, its that you are feeling the withdrawal and lonlieness if business that you werent finished with yet. You broke up with a guy that you werent completely unattracted to. if you had fallen completely out of love with him, you wouldnt be second guessing it, you would be running the other way.

 

You also might be feeling like you made a mistake because maybe deep down you want him to be miserable without you and hes not, hes rubbing his success in your face. That is just your bruised ego. Stay strong, you made the right decision. You wont realize that this is the better decision until youre with a guy who will treat you better in general. Plus you might have liked that he was unpredictable, dont get used to liking that, it will keep you attracted to the wrong men.

[That_girl]

YES exactly. I'm so hurt that he didn't try to beg. Now I"M the one going insane and thinking about calling HIM. I have to stop this. I was so sure of myself, and now I'm thinking of re-entering this relationship. He didn't even try to stop me really. He just kept asking if I'm only doing this because he hit a wall a few times.

 

I'm hoping that he will call/text me at some point. Am I hopeless? If he does try to contact me, I'm afraid that I'm so weak that I'll go back.

[betterdeal]

This is about you, not him. It's your life. Take a step back and think, did meeting him make you feel good or bad? Did it bring calm or instability into your life? Don't worry about what he said or did (or didn't say or didn't do) - get to terms with the result of meeting him, and act based on that.

 

I changed my mobile number about 2 months ago and the sense of relief was amazing. Just knowing that she cannot call me out of the blue makes a big difference. Every text and call is no longer a stress trigger because I am not worried about it being her. If we ever get in touch again, I want it to be calm, friendly, without the stress and anxiety that riddled our post-break-up relationship for nearly a year. I changed my number because it made me happy.

 

This is you time. Block his number or change your number.

Edited April 14, 2011 by betterdeal

[LittleTiger]

So neither of those two things happened. I just met up with him and I'm very confused. He acted completely normal, and I guess now I feel like I'm the unreasonable one.

 

He went on mostly about stuff that he's being doing for work, mentioning that things are really looking up for him. I kinda felt jealous and angry that he's rubbing in how well things are going for him, when I still feel like crap all the time.

 

Regarding the relationship, he said that doesnt fully understand why I'm doing this. That his intentions were never to insult/ hurt me. He said he would NEVER lay a hand on me, and that he can't control the fact that he hits stuff when he's upset. But that he thinks that men who hit women are disgusting.

 

He also said that he doesnt fully understand why I'm doing this. I feel like my reasons are now invalid. I honestly went blank. I don't know what I'm doing anymore. I love this guy. And it hurts to see him getting on with it so well.

 

He gave me my stuff and left. He didn't try and charm his way back into my life. He didn't even try to kiss me. I don't know if he's manipulating me or not. But if he is, it's working. Because I don't even know why I did this in the first place now. And I almost texted him immediately after he left to ask him to come back.

 

I'm so ****ed.

 

I don't know how I'm going to get over this now. Don't I need to be angry at him in order to get over it? He did say that this way my decision. And it was. But I don't know that I feel like giving up just yet. What is wrong with me??

 

Oh boy, this one's clever.

 

Don't be fooled, this tactic is a version of no.1. He's just dragging it out a bit longer than I suspected but it's the same moves. He may not be 'charming' you because he knows he doesn't need to. He knows you well enough to know how to manipulate you and that's exactly what he's doing.

 

When you say he was 'completely normal', presumably you mean his 'nice normal'? Because I'd be willing to bet he has a 'nice normal' and a 'not nice normal'. Dr Jekyll and Mr Hyde?

 

Were you feeling ****ed before you met up with him? You didn't mention that particular feeling.

 

He's not getting on well without you - it's all a con. He is reeling you in and it is a very, very smooth line.

 

Read what you've written - even if you're not actually back with him you are much, much closer than you were last time you posted. You were 'so sure of yourself and now you're thinking of re-entering this relationship'!

 

You have just proved to yourself and to us that he has full control of your feelings and, if you go back, he has control of your actions too. This is exactly what he was hoping and intending and you are falling right into his trap. Please, please read this whole thread again.

 

There is absolutely nothing wrong with you - this is a completely normal response to manipulation by an abuser. Get some emotional support. Speak to your friends and family and listen to what they say about him. They're right! He is mind f*cking you, good and proper.

 

Oh and one more thing - all men who hit women say they are disgusted by men who hit women!

[That_girl]

Thank you for all your responses. You are all helping me so much, I do feel like **** but you responses are reinforcing my decision in my mind to get out of this dangerous relationship.

 

welikeincrowds: thank you so much. I hadn't really thought of it that way, but I AM being totally courageous right now. I could just go back to him and be comfortable again for a minute or two- but I know that's not what I want longterm. I just get confused, because on the SURFACE he has more going for him than I do. (or so it seems at the moment). I'd just hate to see him move on so quickly and happily. He could probably get another girl in a second, he is a very attractive man. But yes, I know that's all superficial and it actually doesn't matter to me deep down. It just does right now.

It does help to be reminded that I am a courageous and strong person. I firmly told him yesterday that I don't deserve the **** I've taken from him. I don't think he fully understands what I mean. He completely minimizes all of the stuff he did, to the point where I can't remember why I'm doing this.

 

And of course I don't even know reality from insanity anymore. I'm doing so much research on this stuff, and instinct tells me that he IS abusive. I should probably go with that.

[That_girl]

Little_Tiger: I don't know if he's trying to manipulate me, or if he has actually given up. But yes I do feel like crap now because he isn't begging. I would hate to think that he is acting like he is ready to move on and not trying to contact just to hurt me. But at the same time, he KNOWS that it's hurting me. So it's possible.

 

Before I met up with him, I was extremely nervous, but kinda hoping that would beg me to come back. Or at least tell me that he was willing to change the violent tendencies or SOMETHING. But he did say that he will continue to slam walls/ doors etc. because that's just what he does ALTHOUGH he would never hit me. When I asked him "what about if you lose control one day and hit me?" he didn't really say much, except that its impossible and I basically felt stupid for being so paranoid about it. He kept saying that he thinks I must hate him, and that he doesn't understand how think he doesn't care about me.

 

When I got home from our meet-up I had noticed later on that there was a letter in the mail for me. It just said that he was "missing me", but he must have sent it beforehand. Although he wasn't happy by any means yesterday, he wasn't exactly professing his love for me. And he says he is tired of apologizing.

 

I did pick on him for things that I wouldn't normally do to anyone else...like the fact that he liked to look at porn, or other women on the street, etc. I know that every guy looks at other women- but with him it would cause me to lash out at him probably because the cheating just intensified all of my insecurities tenfold.

 

I don't know what to think anymore. Really. I do want him, and he was on his nice, normal behaviour yesterday. I just don't understand why he would be doing this on purpose. It's so frustrating.

[LittleTiger]

Little_Tiger: I don't know if he's trying to manipulate me, or if he has actually given up. But yes I do feel like crap now because he isn't begging. I would hate to think that he is acting like he is ready to move on and not trying to contact just to hurt me. But at the same time, he KNOWS that it's hurting me. So it's possible.

 

Before I met up with him, I was extremely nervous, but kinda hoping that would beg me to come back. Or at least tell me that he was willing to change the violent tendencies or SOMETHING. But he did say that he will continue to slam walls/ doors etc. because that's just what he does ALTHOUGH he would never hit me. When I asked him "what about if you lose control one day and hit me?" he didn't really say much, except that its impossible and I basically felt stupid for being so paranoid about it. He kept saying that he thinks I must hate him, and that he doesn't understand how think he doesn't care about me.

 

When I got home from our meet-up I had noticed later on that there was a letter in the mail for me. It just said that he was "missing me", but he must have sent it beforehand. Although he wasn't happy by any means yesterday, he wasn't exactly professing his love for me. And he says he is tired of apologizing.

 

I did pick on him for things that I wouldn't normally do to anyone else...like the fact that he liked to look at porn, or other women on the street, etc. I know that every guy looks at other women- but with him it would cause me to lash out at him probably because the cheating just intensified all of my insecurities tenfold.

 

I don't know what to think anymore. Really. I do want him, and he was on his nice, normal behaviour yesterday. I just don't understand why he would be doing this on purpose. It's so frustrating.

 

He's not doing it to 'hurt' you, he's doing it get you back - on his terms. He knows you're missing him and, obviously, judging by his letter, he's missing you too - but he wants you to be the one to come running. He wants you to beg because, in his mind, that's your role not his. He thinks he has the right to call all the shots so it's up to you to come running and, boy, isn't he doing a good job? Whatever he did or said, he has well and truly messed up your head.

 

You've said he has more going for him than you do - how exactly? Does he have more money or a better job? Is he more intelligent or better looking? All that means is that he holds more power. Otherwise he sounds dangerous and manipulative.

 

He is not respecting you in any way. To say that he can't stop punching things is just a cop out and should set alarm bells ringing in your head. He knows how it makes you feel and if he really cared he would get help to stop him being so physically violent.

 

People who are sorry for their words or actions, admit their mistakes and make amends. They apologise and do everything they can to ensure they don't hurt you again. It doesn't sound like he's doing any such thing. Instead he's turned it all around so that you feel guilty for suggesting he's in the wrong.

 

Let's imagine for a minute that I'm misreading everything and actually he really doesn't care about you any more and is getting on just fine. If that's the case, then what a perfect opportunity for you to run, very fast, in the opposite direction. Do you want to be with a man who is not only physically violent and can mentally tie you up in knots, but who cared so little about you that's he's over you in a matter of days?

 

Doesn't this man scare you? He scares me and I've never even met him.

[That_girl]

He's not doing it to 'hurt' you, he's doing it get you back - on his terms. He knows you're missing him and, obviously, judging by his letter, he's missing you too - but he wants you to be the one to come running. He wants you to beg because, in his mind, that's your role not his. He thinks he has the right to call all the shots so it's up to you to come running and, boy, isn't he doing a good job? Whatever he did or said, he has well and truly messed up your head.

 

Isn't it my role, and not his?? When my previous ex ended it with me, I never contacted him once. Because I didn't want to give him the satisfaction of seeing my pain and my begging. I also knew that begging never worked before. Or maybe it did, but it always ended up with him trying to break up with me again.

 

Anyways yes, I think he has a better job because although he doesn't make as money as I do- he is doing what he's always wanted to do. He doesn't just work to pay the bills. And yes he probably still has more money than I do, has experienced much more in life, and comes from a big, wealthy family. He has been given a hell of alot more than I have in the material sense, but I also wonder where his parents loved him enough. It seems like his mother babies him a lot! And the father is domineering, and apparently hit him when he was younger.

 

I think he is better looking than me, even though my friends disagree. We're probably evenly matched in that way.

 

I guess he has messed with my head. I don't know. Maybe I'm messing myself up, but I'm pretty sure he hasn't forgotten about me or gotten over me. I think you're right- he wants me to beg. I did invite him in yesterday, but he declined. Things like that confuse me.

 

Almost ALL of my friends agree that he is not good for me. They told me this from the very beginning when he cheated. I don't know, guess i didn't listen and now I'm paying the price. One friend of mine says its both our faults, which kind of upsets me. I know that I'm not INNOCENT, but at the end of the day- he cheated, he lied, he scares me, he tries to control. I didn't do those things- he did.

 

I'm trying to stay strong, but it's hard. I did text him to thank him for the letter, and told him I thought it was sweet. He said he hopes we can talk again soon. But I think I'm just going to leave it at that. HOPEFULLY.

[betterdeal]

What do you know for certain? That your head is messed up.

 

Apportioning blame can be done later. Right now, the biggest positive impact you can have on your own life is to treat yourself well. The mess will clear, especially if you don't keep adding to it.

 

This is why NC is an important step. It enables you to stop adding mess to the mess. It gives you space to de-clutter. Working through your own feelings and letting them out in a safe way that doesn't add to your issues will make you feel better.

 

This is your time.

[That_girl]

Thanks better_deal. I'm really trying to de-clutter. This morning I woke up and I was really happy....slowing my day is going to **** again because I'm bored at work. But I was HAPPY because I realized that I had to courage to end something that wasn't working for me. Regardless of whose fault it is (even though its easier to lay the blame on him)....I still made an important decision and stuck to it because my feelings matter....I matter.

 

I don't deserve to be cheated on, lied to, yelled at, belittled, controlled and so forth. Although I don't have MUCH confidence, I do know I have SOME.

[betterdeal]

You have come a long way, and you've done so well! Take, for instance, that last post - you've identified in that a problem at work; something that's not dependent on your relationship with that guy. Not so long ago you weren't talking about anything else. See how your horizons are widening? You can start to think about how to improve your working life. The most important step in solving a problem is recognising it is a problem. You can then turn that into a growth point in your life.

 

This is a growth time in your life. You are growing self-confidence, self-worth, self-awareness, self-esteem, self-respect. This is about you.

 

Keep on keeping on, sister