Is there such a thing as a 1/2 open marriage?

[TxHottie]

[FONT=Times New Roman][sIZE=3]Ok, so my husband of 11yrs has just started a new job about a month ago. He is working late hours in a party atmosphere. He starts coming home at 4am, whether he gets off at 11pm or at 2am. And he has a mini-crush on a pretty girl he works with. He has been encouraging me to be friends with girl because she is “such a good person”. Yesterday when I came home for lunch, he was talking to her on the phone. It made me curious, but I do allow my husband to talk to other girls! So, I dismissed it. Then, last night, he came home at 4am very drunk. He was mumbling her name and not making sense before he passed out in bed. I never, ever do this, but I decide to check his phone to see if he had been talking to this girl. What I found on his phone logs was several calls back and forth and texts from about midnight until 2:30am. Some texts included pictures or video, not sure which because the whole thread had been deleted from his history. It only showed the history of outgoing and incoming messages with her. I was immediately consumed with fear and jealousy and anger. What had he been doing for the last few hours and where had he been? Had he been with her? All of these thoughts came rushing in – from wanting to call her and confront her to packing my things. I wanted to spy on him or yell at him or do something, but what? My husband has very strong morals and I have always been able to trust him to do the right thing. Was that gone? Was I jumping to conclusions? I started thinking about the fact that this girl is at least 10 yrs younger than me and hot. I wondered how or if I could compete with that. Should I keep checking call logs and keeping closer tabs on him? I wanted to just shrink away from all the scary and confusing emotions I was feeling. What to do… No, I am not that person that checks phones and emails, invading my lover’s privacy is not what I want. Too many years have passed for me to have these sorts of worries in my marriage. I love my husband so much. I want him to be happy and fulfilled in every way. If he indeed has a much younger, hotter woman that is offering herself to him, surely he truly wants to take advantage of the situation. And what if he did? I had to stop and think about my feelings about that for a long time. Jealous, maybe. Territorial, probably. He is mine after all. He has been committed to me for well over 11 years. We dated exclusively for two years even before that. Maybe. Maybe it was time to reward him for his loyalty. He is a man after all. His needs are different from my own. It would probably be a huge boost to his confidence and his self-esteem if he could have this young hottie without having to feel guilty about it. I definitely know the difference between sex and love. And it would just be sex. I mean sure he likes her, but he has been in love with me for over a decade. I have his children and take care of all his needs everyday. A night of hot sex cannot replace that. Am I strong enough to allow that to actually happen? I think it feels better than the jealousy, fear and anger I was feeling earlier when I thought my husband was being sneaky and playing me for a fool. If he can be honest with me about it, I can allow it. I have fantasized of watching my husband with another woman before, and I find it very sexy. So, it is not like the thought had never crossed my mind. But, I would have never been able to tell him about those thoughts. He is much too conservative in his values to consider it… or at least that is what I had thought previously. By the time all this thought process had occurred, it was afternoon. My husband called, knowing I must have been upset with him coming home late and drunk. I told him I checked his phone messages and that I wanted to talk to him in person. He came to my office and I told him that I have decided to give him a “free pass”. Here is what I told him: “This pass will allow you to have (safe) sex with anyone you like whenever you like, only with the condition of full disclosure to me. Anything goes. If you can tell me about it, you can do it. This pass is only temporary and I will revoke it when I decide to. I don’t want you to feel guilty as if you were cheating on me or doing something harmful to our relationship. I will not think less of you or ever hold anything over your head. I promise to tell you honestly how it makes me feel and I need you to be completely honest with me too. I love you, but I can share you for a little while to allow you to have more exiting experiences than you would normally allow yourself to have. This is not about me and I do not expect the same sort of privilege. I don’t want that. I only want you to be fulfilled in every way.” Wow. I can’t believe I just did that. Who else would encourage their husband to have sex with another woman? I wonder if there is anyone else who understands why I would do that. I am not sure now, how this will go. [/sIZE][/FONT]

[Canuck1979]

It seems like you're hoping your husband will stick around by you telling him he can cheat. Unfortunately, I don't see a good ending in this.

 

If you're already feeling jealousy, imagine how you will feel knowing your husband is getting down and dirty with this other woman.

 

I think you need marriage counselling.

[WutheringH]

Its your choice to make this decision but i feel you should know one or two things you are getting yourself into.

 

Firstly sex is never just 'sex'.

 

Extramarital affairs can start this way. One person thinking "It's just sex, i'll do it once and get it out of my system."

 

Nature dosn't work this way! Sex = fundementally making children. The pleasure an induvidual feels is a secondary in natures terms, to the fact that we have just potentialy passed our genetics onwards into the future. Thus sex actually envokes some serious chemical changes in the brain.

 

Fantasy dosn't invoke these chemical reactions, a physical realisation does.

 

Getting up close and physical with another person stimulates serious Oxytocin production, Oxytocin being natures hormone to bond two living creatures together, think of it as natures glue gun. The more sex your husband has the more bonded he will become and the more emotionally invested in this girl. Its not a case of if, more a case of when.

 

To be honest the real threat is if he manages to spark himself into becoming infatuated with her. This happens in SO MANY affairs. The novel nature of the whole thing is going to be a serious catalyst. Not to mention as you say if shes younger and 'hot' shes likely very fertile.

 

Now infatuation, or passionate love, is not to be messed with.. From a neurochemical stand point. Infatuation is possibly the most intense natural experience a Human can experience. Its akin to stuffing your face full of cocaine and actually utilises the same reward system that a vast amount of drugs target. Hence withdrawal and breakups of passionate affairs are so similar, both involving depression, craving and relapse.

 

Don't be suprised if your husband refuses to cut off connection if you get jealous.

 

Infatuation or 'early romantic love' heavily targets the brain region called the VTA rich in dopaminergic neurons. Which to cut a long story short means that early love produces a whole host of elated feelings and emotions (VTA is heavily connected to the amygdala which has a crucial role in processing emotions) The mind creates this intensity of feeling for a reason and it's certainly not because this man is the 'one'. Infact Sexuality and Love appear in brain terms involve some of the most primative structures. (in terms of long term attachment we appear to share a very similar system of responding to oxytocin and vasopressin to that of the Prairie Vole of all things) Thus despite what people on Love Shack often preach. It is incredibly difficult to use higher brain functions to combat Romatic love.

 

If your husband gets into the 'fog' of infatuation its going to be very difficult for him to see out so to speak. It'll be even more difficult for you to talk sense into him. He'll be a changed man, just like a drug addict is. With quite likely, a whole new set of less than conservative rule and morals. As long as hes infatuated.

 

Whilst I don't doubt that your husband is commited to you and in a loving relaitonship with you. Statistically speaking hardly any couples are actually still in passionate love by the eleven year mark. Thus if after eleven years of not being in this stage of 'love' (infatuation appears to normal lasts a max of two years) If your Husband becomes infatuated hes going to be viewing your relationship in a very different light. Please don't question it. The emotions can be THAT strong.

 

It's natures most powerful drive. Often it overpowers the need to sleep and eat. Hence the creativity and energy associated with Romantic Love. Many people kill themselves or murder Significant others when passionate love goes awry. Very few people however kill themselves when rejected from a single random sexual encounter. Highlighting the power of the infatuation 'drive' so to speak.

 

Emotivly speaking long term love just isn't that intense or rewarding for most from natures perspective. Genetic variety seems to win out over relationship longativity in most occassions.

 

This is why open relationships often arguably require much more emotionally awareness as you have to be in the 'know' to speak about the many differing 'faces' of Love.

 

Just be prepared potentially for some difficult talks with the Husband if this goes ahead. You might find him a love struck teenager claiming hes found his 'soulmate'.

 

Oh and infatuation can be hugely difficult to kick. Just like addiction it can hang around for years and as long as this girl is in his proximity if infatuated he will fall to temptation. Right now judging by the texts etc, hes probably flirting on the attraction/infatuation boarder. Obviously its difficult to judge a physiological state. But give him the green light and I see this only going one way... and it's not in you favour.. Your messing with mother nature here and shes big and strong and dosn't give a damn about you.

Edited April 8, 2011 by WutheringH

[Mutant Debutante]

Hey, uh, not to burst your bubble here but if he's talking about what a good person she is, texting her all night, mumbling her name when he's pass-out drunk...it's not just about sex. He's deep INTO this girl, and the pheromones are gonna make everybody go temporarily insane.

[TxHottie]

Thanks for the honest opinions. One thing I didn't mention is he already has a vasectomy (not that i can spell it), so there will be no future generation worry there, at least. This all happened about 24 hrs ago, so nothing has happened yet. I think tonight, it may since it is Friday night and he is working but leaving early. (He works at a bar) He asked me again if I was sure this was ok. I reassured him and said it was. I think I am gonna let this one play out and see what happens.

[TxHottie]

Hey, uh, not to burst your bubble here but if he's talking about what a good person she is, texting her all night, mumbling her name when he's pass-out drunk...it's not just about sex. He's deep INTO this girl, and the pheromones are gonna make everybody go temporarily insane.

 

 

I know he likes her already. I've met her, and I like her too. I don't feel as jealous about it now for some reason. Once we agreed we could and would talk about it, I really think it is going to be fine. Maybe even fun. Weird, I guess, but it seems exciting in some strange way.

[WutheringH]

I could be wrong here, and if so i apologise. In regards to the "future generation" quote. Having a vasectomy is not going to rewire his brain! Active Sperm isn't needed to start the process of infatuation. The physical process of having sex is more than enough. In terms of evolution the act of sex translates to passing genes on. Thus when sex occurs the brain is often naturally 'sparked' into becoming infatuated and then attached to the person he is on top of. This is because attachment means two peoples resources when raising a baby thus from genetics perspective a good tool.

 

The process will happen regardless of a condom, birthcontrol or a vasectomy. Its written into our very nature.

 

Sure many elements of sexuality are exciting.. but this is the relationship we are talking about. You need to be thinking more then just about jealousy, long term factors like the fact your man may very well fall in love with this girl and the practical implications involved in how this will change the dynamic of your relationship.

 

The fact you find the act taboo and exciting means nothing. If you find the thought of your husband walking down the wedding isle with this girl five years down the line exciting.. then go for it!

 

Ultimatly this is your choice but a vasectomy means nothing regarding his mental state. Plus hopefully he'd use condoms for your sake anyway what with STDs etc.

[yessy21]

I know he likes her already. I've met her, and I like her too. I don't feel as jealous about it now for some reason. Once we agreed we could and would talk about it, I really think it is going to be fine. Maybe even fun. Weird, I guess, but it seems exciting in some strange way.

 

 

you sound like an awesome girlfriend.

[d'Arthez]

It will not work. It is not just sex since she is not a random woman. And it will probably be fun for your children to find out, accidentally. And you know these things never come up under ideal circumstances.

 

Coming home drunk at 4 AM is not exactly indicative of strong morals. And in all likelihood, the conversation he had during that night, is probably not that innocent either. So, he may even feel he now has license to continue with such behavior.

 

A former friend of mine did just what you did, and let me tell you that long term relationship ended a few months later. Perhaps it was a sign of the two of them growing apart, though undoubtedly the emotional complications added to the tension in their relationship.

[LucreziaBorgia]

I wonder if there is anyone else who understands why I would do that. I am not sure now, how this will go.

 

I completely understand. It is what brought me to LS years ago. My H wanted an open marriage, and I said yes thinking that if I said 'no' he would resent me for it, be miserable and leave. I had myself fooled though, buying into the whole 'open marriage' thing. He did his thing, and every time I died inside a little more. I was in deep denial about it though. I can see clearly now in hindsight that if I had only said 'NO' to it and insisted on working things out we'd probably still be married.

 

Work out things first - get to the bottom of why he is wanting to cheat. I doubt it is a desire for an open marriage so much as it is just plain old wanting to be with someone else. There really is a difference.

[TxHottie]

you sound like an awesome girlfriend.

 

 

Thanks! I really try my best.

[TxHottie]

I completely understand. It is what brought me to LS years ago. My H wanted an open marriage, and I said yes thinking that if I said 'no' he would resent me for it, be miserable and leave. I had myself fooled though, buying into the whole 'open marriage' thing. He did his thing, and every time I died inside a little more. I was in deep denial about it though. I can see clearly now in hindsight that if I had only said 'NO' to it and insisted on working things out we'd probably still be married.

 

Work out things first - get to the bottom of why he is wanting to cheat. I doubt it is a desire for an open marriage so much as it is just plain old wanting to be with someone else. There really is a difference.

 

I am sorry to hear about what happened to your relationship. Thank you for the warning. The thing about it though is that I think I want this for him as much or more than he wants it. That is not a typical situation. And, yes, I was jealous and angry at first, but I realized that it was all about the fact that I did not know and I did not want deception in our relationship. The thought of him having sex with another woman, I think I can deal with. Lying and sneaking is what I cannot.

[Dust]

A lot of swingers do wife swaps and group orgies.

 

What you did was spot an affair which was already underway and probably already physical and tell him “it’s ok go ahead.

[TxHottie]

A lot of swingers do wife swaps and group orgies.

 

What you did was spot an affair which was already underway and probably already physical and tell him “it’s ok go ahead.

 

 

I'm not sure where group orgies came into the discussion. lol.

 

No, my husband was not having sex with this girl already, but maybe he will now. I am ok with that. I actually had to talk him into the idea bc he is quite nervous about this whole situation. I mean, of course he WANTS to, but he is aware of my feelings in this. And he cares how I feel about it, so I guess that is why I feel it will be a good thing for us. I have just seen a lot of LS info, and nothing seems to look like our relationship looks. Are there other women out there that have this sort of cinario going on?

[Dust]

I'm not sure where group orgies came into the discussion. lol.

 

No, my husband was not having sex with this girl already, but maybe he will now. I am ok with that. I actually had to talk him into the idea bc he is quite nervous about this whole situation. I mean, of course he WANTS to, but he is aware of my feelings in this. And he cares how I feel about it, so I guess that is why I feel it will be a good thing for us. I have just seen a lot of LS info, and nothing seems to look like our relationship looks. Are there other women out there that have this sort of cinario going on?

 

Yes there are other women who have this scenario going and it never works out.

 

You know the old story of the girl telling the guy to go ahead and do something she should be upset about, and then the guy goes ahead and does that thing whether it be skipping out on her friends wedding to go fishing etc… it usually ends in a big fight involving “I know I told you to just go fishing but now I’m so upset.”

 

Well you’re setting yourself up for that. Your husband should know better regardless of what you say. If it had been me I would have said I don’t want an open relationship not even one way. I mean sure if a one way relationship was actually possible it would be great. I’d love to have a wife and a bunch of gf’s, but that would kill my hypothetical wife.

[Mutant Debutante]

I know he likes her already. I've met her, and I like her too. I don't feel as jealous about it now for some reason. Once we agreed we could and would talk about it, I really think it is going to be fine. Maybe even fun. Weird, I guess, but it seems exciting in some strange way.

 

If it works for you, cool. I'm not into moralizing about what people do in their bedrooms, as a general rule. BUT I think you are kind of overlooking some serious issues here, and it makes me wonder how afraid you are of rocking the boat. Even if I was fine with polyamory or whatever in my relationship, I would NOT be okay with my sig-O staying out late every night drinking and partying while leaving me responsible for the kids, and lying to me about girls he was infatuated with instead of being honest, and being secretive. It's still lies, and crappy character, and irresponsibility. It shows that he was putting his infatuation with her above your needs and your marriage, IMO. It shows that maybe he's not the person you always thought he was. I wouldn't just sweep all of that under the rug, it needs to be dealt with.

 

And I'm not sure I understand why you're calling it half open. You're going to let him sleep with this hot girl he works with and he's totally into, while you stay faithful at home alone with your kids? No, that wouldn't work for me. If I was going to open it I would open it all the way.

[Toodamnpragmatic]

Always amazed at people coming to LS and rationalizing their actions and looking for validation. You already made up your mind, are okay with it for some unknown reason and seem to think you are a cool partner/mother letting him enjoy his job/OW and coming home drunk numerous nights a week while you are home with the kids.....

 

Yep.... He is an awfully lucky guy........

[Linda9999]

This is one of my kids right? Maybe my 19 year old son?

 

Go unload the dishwasher and stop bothering all the nice people here!

[Holding-On]

Yes there are other women who have this scenario going and it never works out.

 

You know the old story of the girl telling the guy to go ahead and do something she should be upset about, and then the guy goes ahead and does that thing whether it be skipping out on her friends wedding to go fishing etc… it usually ends in a big fight involving “I know I told you to just go fishing but now I’m so upset.”

 

Well you’re setting yourself up for that. Your husband should know better regardless of what you say. If it had been me I would have said I don’t want an open relationship not even one way. I mean sure if a one way relationship was actually possible it would be great. I’d love to have a wife and a bunch of gf’s, but that would kill my hypothetical wife.

 

I'm not sure I agree about it never working out. Some women have found their sister wives this way. You may be a person with an incredible amount of compersion (opposite of jealousy, your partner getting some makes you feel good too).

However, since you have already chosen this I STRONGLY recommend you head over to a polyamory website/FORUM fast fast fast. I like the one at polyamory.com but tastes may vary.

 

Normally, successful poly people recommend that some of that NRE (new relationship energy, the happy happy joy joy romantic chemicals everyone is glooming about) be diverted BACK into the primary relationship. Your husband should read there too, about how to appreciate your love of him and keep his primary relationship strong and be clear with his girlfriend that you are his lifemate and any other concerns/limits you have regarding their sex life (condom use, acceptable fluid activities, whether she needs to have STD testing first, places they can or cannot go such as no, not in our bedroom)- because, like other posters, I'm not reading how he is doing any of that.

 

And yes, some people do have half open relationships by choice (as opposed to say cultures of polygamy). This is usually a case where sex drives or romantic drives are vastly different or where one partner has a kink that the other does not. Sometimes though it is simply that one person is monogamous (tries poly and it is not for them) but very very compersive and their partner is poly.

[zakfar]

Well TxHottie, if you don't have a problem with that, then I think no one else here should. And even if someone has a problem with that, it does not matter. He's your husband, and you have to decide what kind of relationship you should have. Though I really liked the technical details WutheringH gave. My point is not against anyone. It is simply that your happiness matters.

 

Well open relationship is no more that uncommon, so someone can have 1/2 open too. Sorry, I don't mean to accuse you something, or your making you upset. But you should indeed ask yourself the reason of being that 'Kind'. I'm not suggesting that there is any of the following reasons with you. I'm just informing you the type of reasons people can have for making such decisions. This can be helpful for you to analyze yourself.

 

. Some People want to have extreme level of trust on their partners, giving them freedom to extreme measures. Some of those freedoms are not understandable for many others.

 

. Some people like to have extramarital relationship themselves, and they open their relationships first for their partners. It is not necessary that they have Switch scenarios. It can also be a 3-some relationship, with the addition of just one partner.

 

. Some people enjoy the sights/thoughts of their partners getting involved in sexual activities with others. Just for the information, it is called Cuckoldry Fetish.

 

Some other psychological reasons can also be there. You can find them out better yourself. Important thing is that, you want it, and you are happy with that. Though don't forget to take the warnings given above. You are indeed taking a risk here. However, if you can better find out the real reason behind your mental response than you can divert your relationship in a lot better way, and it will be quicker and easier as well. At this stage, he would not deny you much if you negotiate something.

 

I hope it helps.

 

Zakfar.

[whichwayisup]

Well, if it's okay with you that he does have sex with her, is it okay with him if YOU have sex with another man?

[Hanther]

Open relationships can work, but not the way you've described.

 

If you and your husband had talked about this before it happened and got this far, if it were something you both wanted then it could work.

 

As it is, your husband is already sneaking around with this girl, LYING to you and hiding things (evidenced by his deleting phone messages - not good!). And he is NOT just attracted to her for sex. He obviously has feelings for her.

 

Open relationships can't start this way. You did not respond well to your husband hiding things from you. You just rewarded him for his behavior. NOT GOOD.

 

And this is all coming from someone who is in a relationship that will eventually turn into a swinging relationship. But we have spent YEARS talking about it and discussing it, and we are only just now possibly about to open our relationship up. And we are definitely not doing it to reward one another for being faithful, or to stop one another from leaving, or to give one another a free pass to cheat because one of us thinks the other is gonna do it anyway.

 

You are going about this all wrong, and you are probably going to seriously regret it.

[Hanther]

 

No, my husband was not having sex with this girl already, but maybe he will now.

 

It doesn't matter if they were having sex or not, he was hiding things from you about their relationship. That makes it cheating. And you rewarded him for it. He is lying to you about things. You have GOT to fix that problem before you even CONSIDER opening up your relationship, otherwise you are on the quick road to a divorce.

 

And I know you are the mother of his children and take care of him every day, but people get caught up in new emotions and it blinds them to the importance of things. He could very well get caught up in this and not think about all the things you do for him, all the history you have. Read these forums. It happens ALL the time - partners of 20 years or more leaving their marriages for someone new, just because the hormones and emotions have made them completely blind.

 

And the way you have gone into this, you are nearly begging for this to happen to your marriage. An open relationship can only exist in a relationship that is 100% honest and open. But just in the last 24 hours, your husband has blatantly lied to you. You have a LOT of work to do before you could have a successful open relationship.

 

I just read my fiance this thread. He told me that when a man lies to you like that (hiding text messages) it means that he has lost some respect for you. Maybe his emotions for this new girl caused him to lose some respect for you - who knows. But your reaction to this (giving him a free for all) will only make him lose even MORE respect from you because you didn't put your foot down about his terrible behavior from the other night.

 

And that is coming from a man. Please listen.

Edited April 9, 2011 by Hanther

[I Luv the Chariot OH]

Txhottie, this thread makes me really sad I don't understand how your solution to seeing an affair starting is to encourage it further. It makes it seem like you have a low sense of self worth. Your husband doesn't want an open marriage...he just wants to be with a hot younger girl. You should think more highly of yourself than to tell him to go right ahead and do so.

[Woman In Blue]

No, my husband was not having sex with this girl already, but maybe he will now.

And you know this.....how?

 

I'd be willing to bet the farm he's already been pysical with her. All you did was give him "permission" to do what he was already HIDING from you anyway.