LucreziaBorgia Posted April 9, 2011 Share Posted April 9, 2011 Well, if it's okay with you that he does have sex with her, is it okay with him if YOU have sex with another man? Bingo. This is where our marriage broke. As long as I was at home and he was out getting laid it was all good. As soon as I started dating someone and sleeping with him all of a sudden H went from "I want an open marriage" to "I want a divorce". Beware the double standard. A truly open marriage is a rare thing - rarer still for both partners to be on the exact same page about it. Link to post Share on other sites
zakfar Posted April 9, 2011 Share Posted April 9, 2011 (edited) Bingo. This is where our marriage broke. As long as I was at home and he was out getting laid it was all good. As soon as I started dating someone and sleeping with him all of a sudden H went from "I want an open marriage" to "I want a divorce". Beware the double standard. A truly open marriage is a rare thing - rarer still for both partners to be on the exact same page about it. My previous posts is exactly discussing this aspect. If she has to go for full 'Open Relationship' then she should talk to him right away. This is the right time to discuss it. I'm sad for you Lucrezia, and you have a right to believe in 'Double Standards'. There are indeed double standards in the society, and this is not just particularly in the favor of males. There are plenty of laws in favor of females as well. Both the genders get benefits somewhere, and are hurt somewhere. You just need to look closely. Well, the point is simple. No society is perfect. We need to learn how to live happily in that system. We can't keep cursing the system. Every system and society have people who live in a Happy and Healthy relationship. What to do? We should discuss! Anything and Everything! But not in arguments/conflicts. We should conduct open discussions when both of us are ready to listen, obviously in a cool environment. Lots of things can be negotiated, and you can have the system to fulfill the desires of both of you. Timing is the most important aspect. You want something, go for it. But for that, first thing you need is... you need to find out what exactly you want. Then choosing the right time, discuss it with your partner. You never know how open he/she can be. There can always be surprises for you. TxHottie is happy with what she is doing. Some others can go for such changes. If going for that, look at the points that I mentioned in my previous post. You need to read your mind, and find out your requirements. Then discuss/negotiate them at the right time. As Lucrezia said, she failed her marriage when she tried to 'Open' it for herself too. I don't exactly know the mentality of her ex. But one thing I know. It could have entirely different consequences if she would have talked to him about this, when he was going for that 'half openness'. Edited April 9, 2011 by zakfar Link to post Share on other sites
dreamingoftigers Posted April 9, 2011 Share Posted April 9, 2011 WutheringH is one of my new favorite posters! As for you OP, I wouldn't even risk it period. It would be far better to nuke this now and retain some stability. When do you get your "Reward" for 11 years of loyalty? Link to post Share on other sites
cat5 Posted April 9, 2011 Share Posted April 9, 2011 I think you're hoping he says he feels the same as you do and isn't interested in being with anyone but you. Link to post Share on other sites
Author TxHottie Posted April 10, 2011 Author Share Posted April 10, 2011 I'm not sure I agree about it never working out. Some women have found their sister wives this way. You may be a person with an incredible amount of compersion (opposite of jealousy, your partner getting some makes you feel good too). However, since you have already chosen this I STRONGLY recommend you head over to a polyamory website/FORUM fast fast fast. I like the one at polyamory.com but tastes may vary. Normally, successful poly people recommend that some of that NRE (new relationship energy, the happy happy joy joy romantic chemicals everyone is glooming about) be diverted BACK into the primary relationship. Your husband should read there too, about how to appreciate your love of him and keep his primary relationship strong and be clear with his girlfriend that you are his lifemate and any other concerns/limits you have regarding their sex life (condom use, acceptable fluid activities, whether she needs to have STD testing first, places they can or cannot go such as no, not in our bedroom)- because, like other posters, I'm not reading how he is doing any of that. And yes, some people do have half open relationships by choice (as opposed to say cultures of polygamy). This is usually a case where sex drives or romantic drives are vastly different or where one partner has a kink that the other does not. Sometimes though it is simply that one person is monogamous (tries poly and it is not for them) but very very compersive and their partner is poly. Thank you for the suggestion. I will def check out that site. I think you understand what I am dealing with here more than some. So far, I do not have any friends that understand this. Thanks for the post! Link to post Share on other sites
Author TxHottie Posted April 10, 2011 Author Share Posted April 10, 2011 . Some People want to have extreme level of trust on their partners, giving them freedom to extreme measures. Some of those freedoms are not understandable for many others. . Some people enjoy the sights/thoughts of their partners getting involved in sexual activities with others. Just for the information, it is called Cuckoldry Fetish. Thank you for your thoughtful post. I think I agree with both of the statements above in my case. My husband and I are very trusting of one another and have always been able to give each other freedoms, just never before in this sense. I know our relationship and friendship is strong enough that we will always be together. I am just trying to be brave about letting him know my feelings, even if they don't seem to match the norm. Every friend he has told has warned him that either I am about to leave him or I am cheating on him. Neither could be farther from the truth. My husband is very sexually satisfying. Link to post Share on other sites
Author TxHottie Posted April 10, 2011 Author Share Posted April 10, 2011 Well, if it's okay with you that he does have sex with her, is it okay with him if YOU have sex with another man? No. That is def not part of the deal. He would not like that at all and I wouldn't either. My hubby is a wonderful, caring lover and I am not wanting another man. Link to post Share on other sites
Toodamnpragmatic Posted April 10, 2011 Share Posted April 10, 2011 your H is the greatest guy in the world and best lover. The fact he has or is about to cheat on you (or have sex with another woman), is cool. The fact he stays out late at night, gets drunk (does he drive drunk too?)texts behind your back, says the OW name in his drunken state and is not home with you and the kids is the true measure of what a wonderful guy he is..... Again, why exactly did you come here? There are plenty of sites on swinging happy to embrace you and your open attitude..... Link to post Share on other sites
zakfar Posted April 10, 2011 Share Posted April 10, 2011 your H is the greatest guy in the world and best lover. The fact he has or is about to cheat on you (or have sex with another woman), is cool. The fact he stays out late at night, gets drunk (does he drive drunk too?)texts behind your back, says the OW name in his drunken state and is not home with you and the kids is the true measure of what a wonderful guy he is..... Again, why exactly did you come here? There are plenty of sites on swinging happy to embrace you and your open attitude..... Don't you think it's little rude? I mean, this is a marriage board and people are supposed to ask/share/discuss anything about their current relationship. Ok! There are boards specifically for different fetishes, and the ones specialized for swingers. But still, we have to face the reality that such people exist in our society. If they have no problem with the scenario, than why should we have problems with the things that are their personal problems? If we can help them, it's good. If we can't, then we should leave them and let them do with what they are happy with (if that's not hurting others, obviously.) TxHottie's Husband is not cheating her. She knows very well what's going on. In fact, she is happy with that. TxHottie, I will recommend you to discuss with your husband about your feelings. Share with him all that you think. It will improve your relationship towards the way you want. I don't know how people will feel from my direct approach, but if you want to see him involved in the activities with other girls, tell him. If you want some kind of 3-some, tell him. Whatever you want, just tell him. Open your mind, and discuss it with him. It will help you a lot. Link to post Share on other sites
Author TxHottie Posted April 11, 2011 Author Share Posted April 11, 2011 TxHottie, I will recommend you to discuss with your husband about your feelings. Share with him all that you think. It will improve your relationship towards the way you want. I don't know how people will feel from my direct approach, but if you want to see him involved in the activities with other girls, tell him. If you want some kind of 3-some, tell him. Whatever you want, just tell him. Open your mind, and discuss it with him. It will help you a lot. Thank you for being nice. I have shared with my husband the way I feel as best I can and he is VERY happy right now! He is out right now and I am home and that is making us both happy. I just wish I could meet more open-minded friends that could be as understanding as you , especially females. All the girls I know are questioning my sanity. lol. Link to post Share on other sites
Toodamnpragmatic Posted April 11, 2011 Share Posted April 11, 2011 Don't you think it's little rude? I mean, this is a marriage board and people are supposed to ask/share/discuss anything about their current relationship. Ok! There are boards specifically for different fetishes, and the ones specialized for swingers. But still, we have to face the reality that such people exist in our society. If they have no problem with the scenario, than why should we have problems with the things that are their personal problems? If we can help them, it's good. If we can't, then we should leave them and let them do with what they are happy with (if that's not hurting others, obviously.) TxHottie's Husband is not cheating her. She knows very well what's going on. In fact, she is happy with that. TxHottie, I will recommend you to discuss with your husband about your feelings. Share with him all that you think. It will improve your relationship towards the way you want. I don't know how people will feel from my direct approach, but if you want to see him involved in the activities with other girls, tell him. If you want some kind of 3-some, tell him. Whatever you want, just tell him. Open your mind, and discuss it with him. It will help you a lot. She came here asking questions and unsure of what was going on. When anyone confronted her and said there is way more going on and that she is probably naive and not thinking it through, she has basically ignored them and in each progressive thread been more resolute about how wonderful fer hubby is, how good their sex life is and this is a wonderful thing. I finally got it, congratulated her on her "decision", but asked why she was posting in the first place....:mad: Link to post Share on other sites
summerdowling87 Posted April 11, 2011 Share Posted April 11, 2011 I know people like to drink and party I do.... But have you guys tried role playing you can dress up for him and try new things. That don't add other people to your/his sex life. Try adding spice to your sex life 2gther instead maybe do at his job...lol. Just something exciting and, fun you know? Link to post Share on other sites
Toodamnpragmatic Posted April 11, 2011 Share Posted April 11, 2011 He has already lied to you. So what makes you think that giving him carte blanche to have sex with this girl is going to stop that? Do you really think he is going to tell you all the hot steamy details? Come on. You are deluding yourself about a lot of things. And what about this "nice" girl that has met you, knows he's married with kids, yet still wants to have sex with your husband? There's all kinds of trainwreck written all over this. How dare you state the obvious. I've been told that I really should stop posting on this thread, so think you too should stop trying to make sense on this thread.... She's happy with her decision and we all should applaud her open attitude and encourage her..... Link to post Share on other sites
LittleTiger Posted April 11, 2011 Share Posted April 11, 2011 This is the first time I've ever read about someone on LS catching their spouse red handed in the throws of an EA or PA and 'happily' suggesting that they carry on and enjoy themselves! Not to mention all the lies, the secret texts and the 'out 'till 4am partying' while she stays home with the kids! On the other hand, I don't frequent the infidelity or OM/OW boards so perhaps this is 'normal' ............ doesn't happen in my version of reality though! OP, while your H is out sowing his empty oats, and having his mid-life crises or whatever it is, you might want to consider finding yourself an alternative partner - because I'd be very surprised if this one sticks around for much longer. Of course, I may have completely misunderstood the thread, but that's how it looks to me. Link to post Share on other sites
Toodamnpragmatic Posted April 11, 2011 Share Posted April 11, 2011 This is the first time I've ever read about someone on LS catching their spouse red handed in the throws of an EA or PA and 'happily' suggesting that they carry on and enjoy themselves! Not to mention all the lies, the secret texts and the 'out 'till 4am partying' while she stays home with the kids! On the other hand, I don't frequent the infidelity or OM/OW boards so perhaps this is 'normal' ............ doesn't happen in my version of reality though! OP, while your H is out sowing his empty oats, and having his mid-life crises or whatever it is, you might want to consider finding yourself an alternative partner - because I'd be very surprised if this one sticks around for much longer. Of course, I may have completely misunderstood the thread, but that's how it looks to me. But she's somehow now upset that some people here are not supporting her and then others don't like that we are being harsh pointing out the realities of the situation..... btw not normal on any of the other subsections either and she has also indicated she doesn't plan on looking for anyone herself.... Link to post Share on other sites
LittleTiger Posted April 11, 2011 Share Posted April 11, 2011 But she's somehow now upset that some people here are not supporting her and then others don't like that we are being harsh pointing out the realities of the situation..... I'm not surprised she's upset though. I'm assuming she was hoping to hear that this is perfectly acceptable behaviour for two happily married people. Validation as jthorne said. I'm afraid the words 'get real' spring to my mind. It's really sad actually - I feel for her. To me, she's just kidding herself and I can't see it ending any way but badly - for her! Her H is 'quids in'! btw not normal on any of the other subsections either and she has also indicated she doesn't plan on looking for anyone herself.... Phew! Glad to hear it! Link to post Share on other sites
Baroness67 Posted April 28, 2011 Share Posted April 28, 2011 Throughout history there have been countless marriages that have been quietly open on either one or both sides. It's not necessarily the current respectable norm, but just go back a few decades into the era when the prevailing attitude was that you marry some women and have sex with others, and you'll find them. Back when divorce was socially unacceptable, infidelities were more tolerated. These days when it's tolerated (by the parties in the marriage and those who know of them) I think there's often a mix of fame and/or money in there. There's an HBO series called "Episodes" about Hollywood life, and the running joke is that the main producer's character has a wife who is blind - and not just "blind" as in looking the other way. She can't see. They are out there. Link to post Share on other sites
Toodamnpragmatic Posted April 28, 2011 Share Posted April 28, 2011 Throughout history there have been countless marriages that have been quietly open on either one or both sides. It's not necessarily the current respectable norm, but just go back a few decades into the era when the prevailing attitude was that you marry some women and have sex with others, and you'll find them. Back when divorce was socially unacceptable, infidelities were more tolerated. These days when it's tolerated (by the parties in the marriage and those who know of them) I think there's often a mix of fame and/or money in there. There's an HBO series called "Episodes" about Hollywood life, and the running joke is that the main producer's character has a wife who is blind - and not just "blind" as in looking the other way. She can't see. They are out there. But why bother posting 3 weeks after the fact..... TxHottie had all of 10 posts on LS all on this thread and disappeared when she did not read the answer she wanted to read. Link to post Share on other sites
nordic Posted May 6, 2011 Share Posted May 6, 2011 you sound like an awesome girlfriend. agree, best girlfriend ever. he would be crazy to leave her for good. dont think he will, men gravitate towards towards low resisitance:-) at least i do. Link to post Share on other sites
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