OM's girlfriend's lingerie on the floor

[dryerase]

Am a MW who recently ended an affair, but find myself ruminating on both good and bad aspects of the relationship, as I oddly miss this person who brought both happiness and sadness to my life. Felt a lot of my "loving" feelings toward the OM ended after an experience I had (see below). Wondered if anyone else on this board had a similar experience or has thoughts on this, i.e. what this experience signifies about the OM.

 

The OM and myself had been on a sort of break, really just a week or two, not very long at all. The day after Valentine's Day, he invited me to his place, which is for the most part usually immaculately clean when I had come over, maybe on a few occasions, there were a few things strewn about, but that is it. This day after Valentine's Day, when I came over, he had his girlfriend's red lacy lingerie on the floor and Valentine's Day presents near his bed that he didn't bother to clean up. I was so incredibly upset that I almost left his place for good, but like a fool, I didn't. Mind you, this is someone who had been telling me that he loves me. I would have never ever in a million years done that to him. I wonder if it was a passive-aggressive way to express jealousy (which he had about my marriage). Or was he just an idiot? I have discussed this with him, and he said he honestly didn't even think about it. What was very hard about it especially is I had more or less completely ended a sexual relationship with my husband because I was in love with the OM. I had assumed he would have done the same, but clearly, I was wrong.

 

In a way, it doesn't matter anymore since the affair is over, but again, like a fool, I find myself missing him, and I have read that one way to get over those feelings is to think of the negative times with the person. This was a huge negative for me, wonder what you think.

[ladydesigner]

Yes definitely focus on the negative. Actually after my A ended that was all I could focus on. I have since let go of the anger, but when I think of some of these negatives it really makes me question what in the world did I ever see in my XOM that actually made him special.

[dryerase]

Is that a negative in your opinion, or was I being overly sensitive?

[jthorne]

I had assumed he would have done the same, but clearly, I was wrong.

I'm curious why you assumed that. And why you stayed when you discovered the opposite to be true.

[Spark1111]

Is that a negative in your opinion, or was I being overly sensitive?

 

That is hugely disrespectful! Her red lace panties on the floor next to the bed?

 

Some people are sooooo passive-aggressive. Maybe he was hoping that that would be enough info for YOU to break up with HIM and save him the trouble of actually being man enough to do so.

 

When you did not take the bait, he had no choice but to actually do it himself.

 

What? Are all these MM about 17 years old in maturity???????????????

 

PS: and I an not being snarky here.....I am truly amazed at what is NOT discussed in an affair. Did you ever ask him if he was still having sex with his girlfriend, or did you just assume it?

 

Either way, his actions were inconsiderate and boorish.

[whichwayisup]

What was very hard about it especially is I had more or less completely ended a sexual relationship with my husband because I was in love with the OM. I had assumed he would have done the same, but clearly, I was wrong.

 

But you are STILL married. And lying, cheating on your husband. Probably sleeping in the same bed as your husband, living life with him, going out, doing family stuff, socializing.. How is your OM supposed to trust you at your word about not having sex with your husband? Even more so since you lied to your husband to keep your affair going.

 

Your OM isn't committed to you, why should he be? you're married and he isn't.

 

Sorry if my response is harsh.

 

Do you wear your wedding ring when you see your OM?

[dryerase]

It's definitely ironic, but true nonetheless.

 

I assumed that (wrongly obviously) because that's what I did. I felt truly in love with the OM and couldn't even bring myself to have sex with my husband. I thought he would feel the same, but he clearly didn't.

[whichwayisup]

It's definitely ironic, but true nonetheless.

 

I assumed that (wrongly obviously) because that's what I did. I felt truly in love with the OM and couldn't even bring myself to have sex with my husband. I thought he would feel the same, but he clearly didn't.

 

Did you ever plan on leaving and divorcing your husband, tell the OM this? If you're inlove with him and it seems like you don't love your H anymore, why stay married?

[EyesWideOpen]

Is that a negative in your opinion, or was I being overly sensitive?

 

Granted, you were involved with another man (from the OM's perspective)...so to him it might simply be fair. You get to be with someone else, then so does he.

 

Does it make it any less of a negative that he left someone else's panties and gifts lying around? H*ll no. I would have a VERY hard time believing that wasn't intentional. In all likelihood, he was doing it to mess with you.

That is a BIG negative. Really immature passive-aggressive way of communicating whatever frustrations he may have had.

[TigerCub]

Granted, you were involved with another man (from the OM's perspective)...so to him it might simply be fair. You get to be with someone else, then so does he.

 

Agreed!!

 

when the whole mess with xMM was going on - I still dated (I didn't have a bf) but I dated and I slept with whoever I damn well pleased.

If xMM was going home and sleeping next to his gf - there's no way in hell, I'm was gonna be all by my lonesome, saving myself till the day we can actually be together for real . The only difference here is xMM knew it.

 

Its not fair for you to go home to your husband and expect OM not to be with his gf. Sure you say that you're not having sex with your H - but that's your choice, I'm guessing its not because OM asked you to stop sleeping with your H - so why should OM stop sleeping with his girl?

 

But either way, leaving her stuff out there just to get to you is very childish.

 

Does it make it any less of a negative that he left someone else's panties and gifts lying around? H*ll no. I would have a VERY hard time believing that wasn't intentional. In all likelihood, he was doing it to mess with you.

That is a BIG negative. Really immature passive-aggressive way of communicating whatever frustrations he may have had.

 

Totally agree!!!

[bentnotbroken]

Am I the only one picking up on the irony of this situation...the WW being made jealous over the OM's girlfriend..

 

 

Funny isn't it?

[WorldIsYours]

Funny isn't it?

 

And sadly pathetic.

[Emme]

It's been said that if a man loves a woman he will lie to her. He will lie to her to keep her from hurt and pain. If he doesn't love her he'll tell the truth. He doesn't care about her feelings and will bluntly say and do as he pleases.

 

I'm just repeating what I've heard. Sorry he was insensitive to your emotions.

[carrie999]

I think Emme's quote is generally true, but that's if he's treating you like a booty call and nothing more. If he's in love with you, this sounds like he's jealous and childishly "punishing" you by showing that HE can be with someone else, too. That's unfair and downright mean.

 

If I was single and in the same situation, I would definitely *want* to date others and not feel like I was putting my life on hold in hopes that MM would leave for me. I don't think I could actually have sex with another man if I was in love with MM. That's just me. I might be tempted to talk about dating in hopes that it made him think...but I probably would not until I was over him.

 

But flaunting a sexual and romantic relationship intentionally? If he was serious about not even giving it a second thought that her lingerie was on his floor, then he doesn't really love you. But my guess is that it was intended to either A) make you jealous and feel hurt, or B) some sick way of pushing you away and making you end it because he couldn't do it on his own. Any of the three options is negative. I'm sorry, hon!

[bentnotbroken]

I am glad I never heard that saying Emme. Seems butt backwards.

[whichwayisup]

Sorry I think this is a case of a guy who feels he can do what he wants, when he wants since he knows you're married and aren't leaving your husband, getting a divorce. Sure what he did was cruel, it is possible he set it up that way on purpose so you would react and feel bad, feel jealous and hurt.

Either way, it seems some have forgotten that many men can easily separate love and sex. There's making love, and then there's f.uking.

 

I did ask before, but do you wear your wedding ring when you see your OM?

[bentnotbroken]

Sorry I think this is a case of a guy who feels he can do what he wants, when he wants since he knows you're married and aren't leaving your husband, getting a divorce. Sure what he did was cruel, it is possible he set it up that way on purpose so you would react and feel bad, feel jealous and hurt.

Either way, it seems some have forgotten that many men can easily separate love and sex. There's making love, and then there's f.uking.

 

I did ask before, but do you wear your wedding ring when you see your OM?

 

 

:eek:I didn't learn my lesson. Got to clean my screen:o

[whichwayisup]

:eek:I didn't learn my lesson. Got to clean my screen:o

 

Yes, never take a sip of a drink and read posts at the same time.......

[dryerase]

Thanks for the responses.

 

While I know he was thinking that I was married and probably having sex (even though I wasn't), it was beyond me to be able to have sex with 2 people, and I felt saddened to know that he didn't feel the same way. Even after I knew that he was having sex, I still couldn't do it with my husband.

 

I also just found the leaving of lingerie out incredibly cruel, whether they were having sex or not.

 

To whichway is up, I have worked with this person before, and I wore my wedding ring to work, so he's definitely seen it. But if we were doing something in the past just on our own, I wouldn't wear it, so as to not hurt his feelings.

 

I forgot to mention, the other thing that killed me about this time is that I read the card that he wrote her for Valentine's Day (I know, shame on me, but I was very curious). He called her the most beautiful girl in the world, which just about killed me, as he had said the same to me.

 

He really wanted to end his relationship with her and said he wanted to marry me (meaning he wanted me to get a divorce), saying that I was the love of his life. But situations like this (and others) that have come up with him just made me incredibly wary.

[whichwayisup]

Okay, lets forget your OM for a minute. What about your husband? Why are you still married to him if you don't love him anymore? Why not just divorce and go your separate ways so he can find a woman who will love only him and not cheat on him. Reguardless of what your OM does or doesn't do, divorcing your husband is something to really consider.

 

Your OM lies, he has a girlfriend and just like you (sorry to be blunt), you've lied to your husband, so trust IS going to be an issue between you and your OM..You both are skilled enough liars to go behind your partners backs and have an affair and pretend all is good at home to keep up the lie.

[bentnotbroken]

Okay, lets forget your OM for a minute. What about your husband? Why are you still married to him if you don't love him anymore? Why not just divorce and go your separate ways so he can find a woman who will love only him and not cheat on him. Reguardless of what your OM does or doesn't do, divorcing your husband is something to really consider.

 

Your OM lies, he has a girlfriend and just like you (sorry to be blunt), you've lied to your husband, so trust IS going to be an issue between you and your OM..You both are skilled enough liars to go behind your partners backs and have an affair and pretend all is good at home to keep up the lie.

 

 

Agreed. It always amazes me that people get upset and angry when someone does the "wrong" thing, yet they are also doing the "wrong" thing. It is like the pot calling the kettle black.

[dryerase]

I am 100% fully and completely aware that what I did to my husband is wrong. I was merely mentioning something that happened with the OM, as I had never done anything similar with the OM, just for people's opinions on that. Not at all implying that I am an angel in this situation.

[whichwayisup]

I am 100% fully and completely aware that what I did to my husband is wrong. I was merely mentioning something that happened with the OM, as I had never done anything similar with the OM, just for people's opinions on that. Not at all implying that I am an angel in this situation.

 

So what are you hoping for? what outcome? Between you, your OM, between you and your husband? Or are you looking to keep the A going and stay married?

 

If you are unhappy by how your OM is treating you, stand up to him and tell him..Or end it. If you are unhappy in your marriage, talk to your husband and fix things or end it. To go on as things are now isn't healthy and it's doing damage.

[dryerase]

WWIU, thanks - I already ended the affair (for real, it is definitely over). I don't even know why I'm writing other than I have been missing the OM, and what I have learned from this forum is that one way to get over this is by thinking of the negatives/bad times. That time was a real downer for me, and I was just wondering what others' thoughts were on it (maybe to justify to myself that I made the right decision?). I think I am in that stage of things where I know in my gut that it was right to end the affair, but I am having times where I have regret/wonder if I did the right thing. I suppose I wanted to hear from others, "Yeah! He's a jerk, forget about him!". It is especially hard since he seemed to be serious about being together forever (but who knows, he might have just been saying this for now, I don't know). Anyway, I probably shouldn't need to write about these past instances since it's over anyway, but that's where I am.

[whathesaid]

In a way, it doesn't matter anymore since the affair is over, but again, like a fool, I find myself missing him, and I have read that one way to get over those feelings is to think of the negative times with the person. This was a huge negative for me, wonder what you think.

 

Perhaps rather than purposefully trying to think negative thoughs about your relationship you would heal more quickly if you embraced the good parts of your relationship with him and seek to recreate the positive emotions from those experiences with him, in your marriage.

 

 

Focusing on the negative aspects of your relationship will lead you to harbor an anger and bitterness in your heart that will hamper your ability to heal. Accept that it was a good relationship that didn't work out the way you had hoped but that is a positive sign that you hold within you the ability to love and be loved. That ability lends itself to hope for a good and healthy relationship in the future, even if it is not with him.