I have a girlfriend but I will always be in love with you

[Kamille]

I'm a bit hesitant to post this, as I know how these kinds of threads tend to unfold. But here we go:

 

I found something this morning which is making me question my whole relationship. Basically, I have issues with one of bf's exes. I'll try to summarize briefly.

 

Bf was fairly new to the single's scene when we met. He was barely getting his mojo back after breaking off a relationship. So, as many newly single guys will do, he was exploring his options. Right before we met, and unbeknownst to me for a few months after we met, he had gotten in touch with "the one that got away", L, a woman he had met and fallen in love with while he was doing his undergrad (years ago). The reason it didn't work out at the time was because he wanted more than she could offer. He wanted to marry her, she felt she was too young.

 

He and I met, and, again, unbeknownst to me, they kept exchanging emails. We weren't exclusive anyways, so, really, I don't think he was doing anything wrong.

 

Our relationship progressed slowly but smoothly. At the 6 weeks mark, we decided to go off on a weekend getaway. We ended up deciding to go to a particular city, which also happened to be the city where this ex now lives (unbeknownst to me, of course). At that time, we still hadn't had an exclusivity talk, but I was crazy about him and felt pretty secure that he was crazy about me. I felt really secure in our relationship. Once in that town, he invites me to come have lunch with his "friend" L. I'm pretty tired and since I felt secure, being jealous didn't even cross my mind, so I decline. I ended up walking to the restaurant with him, meeting her (she was a beauty!) and leaving them.

 

At this point, I still had no idea she was his ex, much less that he felt she was the one that got away, much less that they had been exchanging emails.

 

He came back to the hotel later that day, professed he was falling in love with me and we decided to be exclusive. (That weekend was really out of this world for us, and up until now, we both recalled it as the weekend that really confirmed to each other that we were compatible).

 

Weeks later, he tells me about his past love, and that's when I connect the dot that the woman he saw in that city was his ex, and not just any ex, the one that got away. I felt blind-sided, suddenly jealous, slightly nauseous. I asked a bunch of questions, found out he had originally had doubts about us because I was moving to Europe and that yes, at first he had gotten in touch with her because he wanted one of two things: to see if there was still something there or to get closure on their past love. But that, as he progressively fell in love with me, he had chosen to meet her to get closure.

 

I bought it.

 

Until last night. So last night he tells me he's thinking of going to that city again, to visit his brother, who's moved there this year. He invites me, but kind of as an after thought. I think of her and immediately feel jealous. I try to squelch my insecurity, telling myself I'm being irrational. Doesn't work. So, what do I do? I look at her twitter and find out, that on one of her status updates, she cites an email he would have sent to her, saying he had a girlfriend (me) but that the girlfriend was leaving for Europe (me), and that he wanted to go for coffee with her (L) because he would always love her (L).

 

!!!

 

(Note, she posted two months after our trip to her city, once we were definitely exclusive).

 

I'm in shock, flabbergasted. I called him and he tells me he hasn't been in touch with her since the time we saw her in that city, but that doesn't make sense... The dates don't match. He then says he had probably told her she would always have a place in his heart, but maintains he never got in touch with her after our 2009 visit to her city. That he hadn't even thought of going to see her while he was in that city this time.

 

(I also don't understand why she would make that information public: was she trying to out him as a player?).

 

Please note: she has surfaced as a topic in our relationship a few times. Recently, he was telling me that he considers her to be one of the two loves of his life. (Me being the other). That made me jealous, as I consider him to be the love of my life. To him, our love and their love is on par, with the difference that their love is in the past. (So that conversation explains why I got suspicious when he said he was thinking of going to visit his brother).

 

Anyway, I need support. I'm deeply hurt, I'm not thinking rationally. What's going on? What would you guys think?

[threebyfate]

((Kamille))

 

His lack of disclosure without prompting, would be concerning to me. It erodes on his credibility since it puts the onus on you to ask the right questions. In essence, lying by omission.

 

And yet, for her to allude to something two months post meet up is very strange.

 

Have you considered contacting her?

[Kamille]

((Kamille))

 

His lack of disclosure without prompting, would be concerning to me. It erodes on his credibility since it puts the onus on you to ask the right questions. In essence, lying by omission.

 

And yet, for her to allude to something two months post meet up is very strange.

 

Have you considered contacting her?

 

Thank goodness! I was hoping you were on-line. I have thought about contacting her - but I'm hesitant to do so. I can't really explain why. I think I'm too proud to do it, if that makes sense.

[Lil1]

Kamille I'm so sorry you are experiencing such an insecurity issue with your bf, but I do believe you have a good reason to be weary. I would seriously just talk to him, tell him what is in your heart. Let him know how insevure he has made you feel, and the fact that he considers you and his ex his two loves of his life is not fair to you! Let him know that you want to be his one and only because that is how you see him. After you bear your heart and soul to him you will be able to discern by his actions whether he is really a good man for you or not. Give it time, and if you continue to see huge red flags (clearly him not telling you about his ex from the start is a big red flag!) then start cutting your losses short and dont invest more of yourself with him if he doesnt make a genuine change and show you that you are his one and only love. Everyone deserves to be loved as much as they give love. Good luck to you Kamille, and keep us updated, we are here for your support!

[Art_Critic]

((Kamille))

 

His lack of disclosure without prompting, would be concerning to me. It erodes on his credibility since it puts the onus on you to ask the right questions. In essence, lying by omission.

 

And yet, for her to allude to something two months post meet up is very strange.

 

Have you considered contacting her?

 

 

What she said...

 

When I first started reading your thread I was going to give him the benefit of the doubt and say that sometimes the one that got away takes time to get over and her got over her by moving on with you...

 

but....

 

His possible deception means to me that he is willing to keep exploring his old feelings rather than leaving them buried and putting at risk your relationship.

 

His time to shiot or get off the pot with her/you has passed and went with the last meeting in her city and he decided to move on.

 

He should not go see her in any circumstances.

[threebyfate]

Thank goodness! I was hoping you were on-line. I have thought about contacting her - but I'm hesitant to do so. I can't really explain why. I think I'm too proud to do it, if that makes sense.

I just signed on not too long ago and saw your thread.

 

You're a balanced thinker but you're lacking information so you're imagining a worse case scenario like most of us will.

 

If you contact her, you might get more facts to work with. But the downside potential is if she lies to you or if your b/f is innocent, you could lose him from a lack of trust.

 

And yet for him to expect you to trust him implicitly when he's withheld or might be withholding information, isn't reasonable or rational.

 

You could also sit him down and explain your entire perspective. But that opens up some serious vulnerabilities within you and might push him away as a sign of "neediness".

 

What a mess! Trust or not. Need to think about this a bit more.

[threebyfate]

Thought about it a bit more. Are you still LD or is it possible to be in the same room as him?

[Kamille]

I do need more time to think. My head has been reeling all day.

 

Thanks TBF, those are my thoughts on the subject, spelled out.

 

He and I had a long talk on the phone, where I exposed all my vulnerabilities, and no, he didn't think I was being needy.

 

Right now I'm questioning if I can trust him. He contends that he has given me reason to mistrust him by lying through omission, and says he is as lost for words as I am about what to do about what is now a full-blown trust issue.

 

What she said...

 

When I first started reading your thread I was going to give him the benefit of the doubt and say that sometimes the one that got away takes time to get over and her got over her by moving on with you...

 

but....

 

His possible deception means to me that he is willing to keep exploring his old feelings rather than leaving them buried and putting at risk your relationship.

 

His time to shiot or get off the pot with her/you has passed and went with the last meeting in her city and he decided to move on.

 

He should not go see her in any circumstances.

 

Thanks Art. Does it change anything for you guys that, apart from me jumping to the conclusion he might be wanting to see her when he goes to this city, this all happened over 18 months ago? A part of me feels like our relationship has grown so much since then.

 

ps: I have to go to meet a potential research partner now (a super important one at that!). I don't know how I will focus. I'll be back later.

[Kamille]

Thought about it a bit more. Are you still LD or is it possible to be in the same room as him?

 

Still LD. Which exacerbates my trust issues.

[threebyfate]

Any chance you can get together this weekend?

 

The reason I ask is to play balls to wall with him. Get him in the same room, discuss issues, then tell him that you're going to contact her with him watching.

 

This will bring things to a head, one way or another. How badly do you fear loss, Kamille?

[Art_Critic]

Thanks Art. Does it change anything for you guys that, apart from me jumping to the conclusion he might be wanting to see her when he goes to this city, this all happened over 18 months ago? A part of me feels like our relationship has grown so much since then.

 

It does somewhat.. how he has been the last 18 months would be more relevant to the present to me..

Do you think he is telling the truth about not contacting her ?

If you think he has then what do you have that would prove he has been in contact with her ?

 

But since you have the lie by omission out there it will be up to you to whether or not you can sweep it under the carpet.. or even choose to..

 

If I were in your shoes I could handle the lie by omission.. as hard as it would be to I would put the current relationship first and not dwell on the past but only after discussing it all out in the open...

 

The other thing is contacting her... It's a real possibility that it is the correct thing to do and certainly might help.

[threebyfate]

Considering how much Kamille has helped others on LS, I'm bumping this thread for other perspectives.

[eerie_reverie]

Geez. I'm so sorry this is happening, Kamille.

 

If you want my honest answer, I got nauseous reading this thread for how strongly I felt he was playing you. At some points, perhaps unintentionally. I got the feeling he has continued exploring his feelings for her at some points in your relationship. Even if he'd stuck to keeping the thoughts in his head.

 

If he has been in contact with her (behind your back or not) I think he will succomb to the temptation of seeing her while he's in her city. And at that point, who even cares what happens. He would be entertaining the thought of leaving you for her, or cheating on you. In my book, that's bad enough.

 

I know you likely believe he's a better person, and I'm sure you have very good reasons. But that was my gut reaction to your thread. He sounds broken. His comment that she was one of the great loves of his life is telling of that. He is not over her/ the person he was when they were together.

 

Don't be played, Kamille. Keep your eyes open.

[snug.bunny]

IN love versus love, is key here. Either that gets resolved first, or your relationship with your boyfriend will be just a shell. Forget about the now-lack of trust aspect, the damage is already done and I don't think it can be fully repaired realistically, if you're boyfriend is in fact still IN LOVE with his ex.

 

So sorry that you are hurting and that this happened, people go through this all the time and it's truly devastating. I hope you find clarity and resolution.

[johan]

I typically say that trust must be given, which is contrary to what most people say: that it must be earned. But in this case, I think there is some earning that can be done. You've already shown that you're able to give it, and that's not always enough.

 

There's a phrase that a guy I used to work with used to use that comes to mind. He was talking about how we needed to gain the trust of our customer by going "open kimono". I guess he assumed that people don't wear anything under their kimonos. It usually annoyed me when he said it, but it kind of stuck with me anyway.

 

You can do your part to relax and not fantasize about what he might have done with her. But that won't answer the questions. He should be willing to step up and offer you two things: 1) "open kimono", full access to see for yourself what he's up to, and 2) reassurance that he understands where you're coming from, that it's not neediness/clinginess but legitimate concern and healthy insecurity.

 

It seems like people who feel insecure for whatever reason are generally afraid that revealing that insecurity is going to get them labeled as a bunny boiler. But you have to know when to forgive yourself for this normal. self-protective reaction, and you and he should team up to do what it takes to face it down and heal the wounds.

 

I don't think you should have to ask him for this either. He should be proactive about taking on this issue and about giving you all the information you need to get it resolved. That's how I would handle it anyway.

 

You shouldn't make him feel like the trip is a bad idea. Instead it's a great opportunity to see how you and he can deal with this. If he's smart and if he cares, he'll go but he'll also pay close attention to your reactions while he's gone. I would call and text more and let you know where I am, what I'm up to, and who I'm with. All just as a way to help you fight off the negative images. I'd do that until we both agreed that we could go back to normal.

Edited April 8, 2011 by johan

[Kamille]

Give it time, and if you continue to see huge red flags (clearly him not telling you about his ex from the start is a big red flag!) then start cutting your losses short and dont invest more of yourself with him if he doesnt make a genuine change and show you that you are his one and only love.

 

That's the thing. Lately I felt like our relationship was splendid. I felt truly loved. The problem is that we're long distance and I don't know what more he could do to show me he loves me and reassures me.

 

 

Do you think he is telling the truth about not contacting her ?

If you think he has then what do you have that would prove he has been in contact with her ?

 

Nothing. I just don't know how to trust him right now, considering there's the lie by omission and then that twitter she posted. I just don't know how to make sense of that post.

 

Do I think he is telling the truth about not contacting her since the time we visited that city. Not really. Do I think he's telling the truth about not thinking of going to visit her this time? I'm not sure.

 

I think eerie_reverie is right and that even as we were committing to each other, the fact that we were going to be LDR made him doubt us and keep his ex open as an option. He says that isn't the case at all.

 

 

 

The other thing is contacting her... It's a real possibility that it is the correct thing to do and certainly might help.

 

I'm still thinking about it. The thing is, if she posted that on Twitter, she likely did it because she didn't want anything to do with him... Right? I really don't understand why she posted that as a twitter feed. (Thinking about that really hurts... First of all because of what he wrote to her, second of all because it makes me feel like a complete fool).

 

If he has been in contact with her (behind your back or not) I think he will succomb to the temptation of seeing her while he's in her city. And at that point, who even cares what happens. He would be entertaining the thought of leaving you for her, or cheating on you. In my book, that's bad enough.

 

 

I'm actually not worried that he would leave me for her. What worries me is that he might be/might have played us both at the same time.

 

IN love versus love, is key here. Either that gets resolved first, or your relationship with your boyfriend will be just a shell. Forget about the now-lack of trust aspect, the damage is already done and I don't think it can be fully repaired realistically, if you're boyfriend is in fact still IN LOVE with his ex.

 

So sorry that you are hurting and that this happened, people go through this all the time and it's truly devastating. I hope you find clarity and resolution.

 

The quote is that he will always love her, not that he is in love with her. She seems to have interpreted it to mean that he still held a flame for her and would leave me for her, while he maintains he only meant that she would always hold a special place in his heart.

 

Thanks for the wishes. I will find clarity. I always do. I just wonder what the best path to resolution would be.

 

 

You can do your part to relax and not fantasize about what he might have done with her. But that won't answer the questions. He should be willing to step up and offer you two things: 1) "open kimono", full access to see for yourself what he's up to, and 2) reassurance that he understands where you're coming from, that it's not neediness/clinginess but legitimate concern and healthy insecurity.

 

 

He understand where I'm coming from. He understands why I'm upset about this and why I feel trust has been breached. What would constitute "full kimono"? What could he do that wouldn't be an invasion of privacy on my part, to earn my trust back?

Edited April 9, 2011 by Kamille

[2sunny]

the fact that you are long distance makes things hard - as far as him disclosing to you everything - so you COULD know what he's up to.

 

how far away are you from him? how often do you see each other?

 

once trust is broken- it's up to HIM, to willingly, earn it back... he did it - he should fix it. if he's not DOING many things now... it's not a good sign.

 

what HAS he been doing differently to repair the damage he did? is your gut tugging at you? or is your gut neutral? the gut never lies...

 

 

it's odd - some people just do things like this. i have a male room mate. he's is totally in love with his girlfriend and spends tons of time with her, yet he's actively looking on a dating site and pursuing other women. that sucks for his nice GF. and hid GF seems to know nothing...which sucks even more. some people will never be satisfied - these are the ones that i would never want to date. divided attention and energy isn't fair to the person receiving it - unless you allow the one you're seeing that they should expect a fraction of what you could be giving.

 

so... what does your gut tell you?

[Isolde]

Kamille, I'm sorry you're having such a hard time

 

You haven't really said that much about how your bf reacted. Does he seem worried or upset? In a relationship that has always been based on so much mutual openness, is he still reaching out now?

[pandagirl]

Gosh, Kamille! My head is spinning for you!

 

It's hard, because you have no idea what the truth really is, which would be driving me crazy. I feel like I'd need to see evidence or documentation for me to get my head straight.

 

From what you've told of your bf, he seems like a solid, nice guy, but perhaps he was carrying the hurt from that relationship with this particular ex. I do think that he wants to be with you and is in love with you.

 

In some ways I wonder if it's normal to have feelings for your last love, when you're starting to fall in love/begin a relationship with a new person? It's normal to compare, right? I'm NOT defending your boyfriend, but maybe he was settling his feelings for his ex still in the beginning of your relationship -- finally letting go of her -- and then eventually moved on when he realized what a great thing you guys have.

[Ariadne]

Anyway, I need support. I'm deeply hurt, I'm not thinking rationally. What's going on? What would you guys think?

 

Hey Kamille,

 

Sorry about these bad times you are having.

 

My impression is that this guy really loves you and is taking you seriously.

 

He had the chance to meet this girl if he had wanted and even when he "did" meet her on that wonderful trip you had, he decided to give it a go with you and make it official. That says a lot.

 

Also, you went away to Europe for a long time and he still sticked to the relationship.

 

After all this water under the bridge I don´t think you have reasons to doubt that now he is going to go with her and loves her?

 

It doesn´t make any sense. It seems to me that she posted that stuff to make you jealous and you took the bite.

 

Good luck with it all and hope that you guys are soon back to normal. Lots of love!

[Ariadne]

The quote is that he will always love her, not that he is in love with her. She seems to have interpreted it to mean that he still held a flame for her and would leave me for her, while he maintains he only meant that she would always hold a special place in his heart.

 

Yes, it makes sense. People say that a lot: I´ll always love you meaning I´ll always care for you, etc.

 

Sounds like she liked to hear that, maybe even felt proud, and wanted to share it with all that could read.

[threebyfate]

It all boils down to, what can you live with Kamille?

 

I know what I can't live with so that flavours my advice to you since knowing the truth trumps holding any relationship together. This is based on my belief and necessity that relationships are grounded on trust, respect and love.

 

In reviewing your b/fs actions and straight up, lies whether by omission or direct lies, he breached both trust and respect. It also appears that he can compartmentalize love.

 

What do you feel relationships are grounded on, Kamille?

[whichwayisup]

How long ago did they break up?

 

Okay, part of me feels this.. Give him a chance, trust him.. Trust what you have together.. But go on that trip with him, get to know her. They could be friends, and still have lingering feelings but have no intention of pursuing or letting anything happen. Maybe they geniunally care for one another. This is where trust comes to play.. I don't like the little omits and white lies here and there, but it could have been so you wouldn't take things out of context. I dont know..

 

Then the other part of me wants to tell you to protect your heart, not to trust him because he hasn't be totally upfront and honest.

 

I would tell him exactly how you feel and why, let him know that you won't tollerate cheating, or to be made a fool of.

[betterdeal]

What do you know for sure?

 

1. You're not happy with the uncertainty of it

2. He still unfinished business

3. You're not thrilled that he is going to her city

4. You two connect

5. Where your boundaries lie

6. Life's too short to be spending it worrying

 

My advice is to stick with those points. All perfectly valid, clear, and certain. What you choose to tell him is your call. I'd avoid ruminating, worrying, or second guessing. Maybe let him know you're just going to watch and listen, that's all. So long as you live up to your own standards, life is good. This is his chance to grow, learn, progress. Take the opportunity to do the same.

 

Oh, and a warning shot across her bows as well may be worth considering. Maybe reply to one of her more innocuous tweets, to remind her you have Internet access too.

Edited April 9, 2011 by betterdeal

[2sunny]

why is he still in contact with her if he's moved past her...?

 

would he like it if you were keeping in touch with a guy you would always hold a place in your heart for? does his heart have room for two women at the same time? when men do this - one or the other gets short changed. it's somewhat selfish of him. is he showing selfish tendencies - or is he constantly thinking of you? IF he's thinking of you... he wouldn't be risking losing you by seeing her... but he is.

 

would he be happy if you went to see another man more than once you had been serious about?

 

what is he getting out of seeing her? can he be honest about that? does he need that ego stroke so much that he needs it from multiple women (some men carry this trait through their whole life ) would he ever be satisfied with only ONE woman's attention?

 

since he's willing to risk YOUR relationship to see her/ talk with her - how important does he view you against her?

 

why would a man risk something great for a gal he sees no romantic future with?

 

can he answer those questions for you?