I have a girlfriend but I will always be in love with you

[2sunny]

let him know that you won't tollerate cheating, or to be made a fool of.

 

 

WWIU - IF she says that - then doesn't break up with him - it's as if she discounts her credibility if she stays... is he supposed to get a slap and an idle threat?

 

 

 

IF she says she views it as lying and kinda cheating (especially since he lied - even sneaky is lying) then she stays - she has no merit for having her actions match her words.

 

IF you don't like it and tell him you're not tolerating it - you are only rewarding his bad behavior and making it all ok by staying.

[pandagirl]

The more I think about this, I think it's just a shame that he just wasn't up front with you from the start and just said, "This is an ex-girlfriend." Simple.

 

Vaguely related experience of mine: on my second date with my ex, he took me to a party that his friend was throwing. That friend was his ex from a few years ago. He told me before, "Just so you know, I used to date her years ago, but we're still friends." However, if he hadn't disclosed that information and I later found out, I would have an issue with it for sure.

 

BUT, I think this has more to do with how your boyfriend tends to deals with things, rather than his feelings for you, K.

[2sunny]

BUT, I think this has more to do with how your boyfriend tends to deals with things, rather than his feelings for you, K.

 

true... that old saying... what you don't know won't hurt you - it always makes me wonder what other info was with held that i'm not supposed to know about. it IS intended to cause harm... harm to the one who didn't have the info they deserved to know.

 

and when there's nothing to hide - why hide anything?

[Kamille]

We talked (on the phone) a lot right now, and as the main issue is trust, the issue isn't really resolved, but we both want to try and see if we can move forward.

 

I told him one of my fears is that he would withhold important information from me.

 

In a way, it isn't the fact that he didn't tell me she was his ex during our trip that bothers me (we were, by all standards, only dating up until that trip), it's the fact that when he talked about "the one that got away" afterwards, he left it up to me to piece it together. He still maintains that as far as he can recall they didn't have any contact past that time they met in the city. He also think that the incriminating status isn't representative of what they discussed while they were out. That he told her how much he had been in love with her in the past, and then they talked about us and he told her he was crazy about me, but that we had challenges ahead, ie, that I was leaving for Europe. So in other words, she might have misinterpreted his intentions.

 

Considering I was invited to join them for dinner and he did make us official that day, I'm kind of leaning towards believing that part.

 

 

 

 

 

how far away are you from him? how often do you see each other?

 

We see each other every other week. We're 5 hours apart. He's now thinking of coming over here instead of going over there (to see his brother, who does, indeed, live in that city). Which made me feel bad. My intention certainly wasn't to emotionally manipulate him to not go see his brother.

 

 

 

what HAS he been doing differently to repair the damage he did? is your gut tugging at you? or is your gut neutral? the gut never lies...

 

It just happened. My gut is pretty neutral since last night, telling me we can move forward. It did help that the meeting went splendidly well and that a friend came over with her cute newborn baby. It completely snapped me out of how I was originally feeling about it and gave me perspective on the situation.

 

I don't think the situation is ideal, but think whatever happened is in the past.

 

 

 

 

You haven't really said that much about how your bf reacted. Does he seem worried or upset? In a relationship that has always been based on so much mutual openness, is he still reaching out now?

 

Yes, he is reaching out, and he was upset and worried about us. He called last night while I was with my friend and asked me to call him back because he really needed to talk. We talked for hours. We're not out of the woods yet, but we did manage to hang up on a good note. I really do believe he cares and loves me. But we have to manage to address the trust issues, lest what they end up making us feel estranged from each other (causing my fear to actually come true).

 

The distance really doesn't help in all of this. I posted this thread here because the distance has made me feel jealous at times. There's something about the distance that is making me feel insecure. I guess I just see him as someone who's very active, and back when we lived in the same city (nearly a year ago now), we spent a lot of time together. I worry that he gets lonely.

 

I guess deep down, the distance is making me feel like I can't be there for him the way I want to. (Part of the explanation). Which could be only a reflection of how lonely I feel and how much I miss having him around. I'm projecting my own loneliness onto him.

 

The other part is that I'm not sure he would tell me if he met someone else. I don't know why I have that hang up. It could be because of the lie by omission about his ex. That would also explain why the fact he wants to visit that city again really triggered a jealousy crisis for me.

[Kamille]

In some ways I wonder if it's normal to have feelings for your last love, when you're starting to fall in love/begin a relationship with a new person? It's normal to compare, right?

 

L isn't his ex, she's his ex ex. Part of what happened is that his residual feelings for L poisoned his relationship with his most recent ex. After they broke up, he felt like he closure could come through confronting his romanticized idea of L with where L is now in her life. He got in touch with L, I think we met that same month and you guys know all the rest.

 

Last night, he explained that back then, he needed closure. That meeting L had helped him move on. That he still honors what they had years ago (over 12 years ago) but that meeting her had confirmed it was all in the past.

 

 

As Ariadne point out, what happened on the trip actually supports this. When he got back to the hotel, he was in a giddy mood, like a weight had been lifted off his shoulders. He was all smiles and more into me than he had ever been. He suddenly totally open. Like I said, he said he was falling for me and we decided to become official.

[Kamille]

Yes, it makes sense. People say that a lot: I´ll always love you meaning I´ll always care for you, etc.

 

Sounds like she liked to hear that, maybe even felt proud, and wanted to share it with all that could read.

 

I wish I could share your feeling that she was being honorable in sharing that. But the ways she phrased it (ie, the if you want to meet part) makes it sound like he was pursuing her.

 

Bf says that when they were leaving the restaurant, he told her something like:

(This is after a long conversation about their past relationship, and how much she meant to him, and how he had loved her so much. How he would always love her - (honor what she meant for him in his life)).

"It was so great to see you again. If you're ever in (his city), give me a call!"

 

I feel like one of the reasons he is so attached to his love for her is that this love pretty much ruined his last relationship.

[Ariadne]

As Ariadne point out, what happened on the trip actually supports this. When he got back to the hotel, he was in a giddy mood, like a weight had been lifted off his shoulders. He was all smiles and more into me than he had ever been. He suddenly totally open. Like I said, he said he was falling for me and we decided to become official.

 

Yes, and you can do damage to the relationship now with all these doubts.

 

When you doubt the guy you are putting his integrity on the line.

 

But the ways she phrased it (ie, the if you want to meet part) makes it sound like he was pursuing her. Bf says that when they were leaving the restaurant, he told her...

 

This sounds like a bunch of gossip.

 

Hope you guys can work this out and that you move together in the future.

[Kamille]

I have to go, but I'll answer the other questions later.

[2sunny]

When you doubt the guy you are putting his integrity on the line.

 

there is no way for HER to put HIS integrity on the line. whatever he does - or doesn't do - puts his integrity out there to be questioned.

[johan]

[/u]

 

there is no way for HER to put HIS integrity on the line. whatever he does - or doesn't do - puts his integrity out there to be questioned.

 

Maybe what she means is that you can bring someone's integrity into question simply by questioning it. I could say, with little justification, "2sunny do you have any integrity?". And that might put you in the position of proving that you do. Politicians do this to each other all the time. And obsessively questioning girlfriends do it to guys all the time.

[Ariadne]

Maybe what she means is that you can bring someone's integrity into question simply by questioning it. I could say, with little justification, "2sunny do you have any integrity?". And that might put you in the position of proving that you do. Politicians do this to each other all the time. And obsessively questioning girlfriends do it to guys all the time.

 

Yes.

 

Love is kind and you shouldn´t think ill of your partner otherwise you should let him go.

[johan]

Love is kind, but that doesn't mean when you love someone you should have no expectations, accept everything they do, or that it's healthy or smart to swallow your insecurities or have no doubts. Your knowledge of the other person is always imperfect and incomplete and episodes like this are all about the parts you don't know but need to know. However kind love might be, the fact is love is not the only thing you need in a relationship.

[Ms. Joolie]

I don't see this as a trust issue, I see this as a security issue. You can blame your boyfriend over trust, or you can take responsibility for being secure. You are allowing yourself to feel threatened right now and to feel insecure. Coming from that space, you won't be able to move forward a bit.

 

What's it going to take, what's it going to look like, for you to be secure in the relationship?

 

 

It's your insecurity that felt threatened by your BF going to that city to visit his brother. I think the best thing you can do for yourself right now is be secure and let your BF go to that city to visit his brother.

 

It's your responsibility to get to a place where you feel secure enough to let him go.

[Ms. Joolie]

Maybe what she means is that you can bring someone's integrity into question simply by questioning it. I could say, with little justification, "2sunny do you have any integrity?". And that might put you in the position of proving that you do. Politicians do this to each other all the time. And obsessively questioning girlfriends do it to guys all the time.

 

Exactly. "Prove to me you are someone of integrity" is a cruel game. We all lack perfect integrity.

[2sunny]

Maybe what she means is that you can bring someone's integrity into question simply by questioning it. I could say, with little justification, "2sunny do you have any integrity?". And that might put you in the position of proving that you do. Politicians do this to each other all the time. And obsessively questioning girlfriends do it to guys all the time.

 

it might put me in question... however- what i do- or don't do - tells anyone EVERYTHING they need to know. for Kamille's guy - what he DID is in question. IF he's SO into Kamille - why is he in touch with his prior love? THAT tells EVERYTHING we need to know. he's not focusing his time, energy and attention SOLEY in Kamille.

 

Love is kind, but that doesn't mean when you love someone you should have no expectations, accept everything they do, or that it's healthy or smart to swallow your insecurities or have no doubts. Your knowledge of the other person is always imperfect and incomplete and episodes like this are all about the parts you don't know but need to know. However kind love might be, the fact is love is not the only thing you need in a relationship.

 

and the knowledge IS key. the fact that he with held info that would have been useful to Kamille is important. IF she doesn't know... how is that fair to her? she cannot make an honest decision about him since he doesn't give all the info...

 

this DOES affect trust. he hasn't earned her trust. that tells everything. how can she trust when he holds back info she needs? he's not playing fair.

 

 

I don't see this as a trust issue, I see this as a security issue. You can blame your boyfriend over trust, or you can take responsibility for being secure. You are allowing yourself to feel threatened right now and to feel insecure. Coming from that space, you won't be able to move forward a bit.

 

What's it going to take, what's it going to look like, for you to be secure in the relationship?

 

 

It's your insecurity that felt threatened by your BF going to that city to visit his brother. I think the best thing you can do for yourself right now is be secure and let your BF go to that city to visit his brother.

 

It's your responsibility to get to a place where you feel secure enough to let him go.

 

 

it is a trust issue. he hasn't earned trust. security? yes, why WOULD she feel secure when he just stabbed her in the back and she had to find out HIS personal feelings from his old GF? one cannot feel secure when her guy isn't being honest - until after the fact?

 

it's back wards. she has a right to feel reluctant based on what he's DONE.

 

it's up to her to decide if this is enough for her to move forward and be happy... always wondering what else he keeps from her.

[Ms. Joolie]

it is a trust issue. he hasn't earned trust. security? yes, why WOULD she feel secure when he just stabbed her in the back and she had to find out HIS personal feelings from his old GF? one cannot feel secure when her guy isn't being honest - until after the fact?

 

it's back wards. she has a right to feel reluctant based on what he's DONE.

 

it's up to her to decide if this is enough for her to move forward and be happy... always wondering what else he keeps from her.

 

Well if she chooses to get on the trust issues boat, then that is her choice. Not a fun ride.

 

It's actually because she wasn't secure and confident in the relationship to start that she is now having trust issues. She wasn't secure, so she opened the door to this. This isn't a new issue.

 

The course leader of a seminar I went to once said, "Trust? I don't give my trust to anybody" and he was talking about his wife. The point was that you have to be secure in the structure of your relationship. It's not about trust.

 

It would be more fruitful to work at being secure in the relationship, knowing it is a secure relationship, than to keep analyzing feelings of insecurity.

[threebyfate]

Not convinced he's trustworthy Kamille but this is your life and you know him best. Good luck.

[pandagirl]

Well if she chooses to get on the trust issues boat, then that is her choice. Not a fun ride.

 

It's actually because she wasn't secure and confident in the relationship to start that she is now having trust issues. She wasn't secure, so she opened the door to this. This isn't a new issue.

 

The course leader of a seminar I went to once said, "Trust? I don't give my trust to anybody" and he was talking about his wife. The point was that you have to be secure in the structure of your relationship. It's not about trust.

 

It would be more fruitful to work at being secure in the relationship, knowing it is a secure relationship, than to keep analyzing feelings of insecurity.

 

But she *was* secure in their relationship -- K stated so many times -- until she realized he was withholding information from her. The fact he was going to take her to lunch with the other "love of his life" and he didn't disclose that information prior to the meeting is honestly just kind of bizarre to me.

[xpaperxcutx]

After reading this thread, I'm kind of hung up on the fact that he asked you to be " official" the very night after he have had lunch with L. A nagging thought that persists is what could have transpired between those two to make him decide exclusivity with you. Not that I don't think you're a great catch K, but it always sucks to be an option when you know you're a priority.

 

The problem with having more than one " great love" is that the fact that he could still have reticent feelings for ex. If his past emotions poisoned his last relationship with his previous ex, I can only imagine it's work on your current relationship.

 

I'm so sorry you're going through this. But if this relationship is to continue to work, you need to get rid of doubt- a process that is going to be tedious on his part to help you move past it.

[threebyfate]

Well if she chooses to get on the trust issues boat, then that is her choice. Not a fun ride.

 

It's actually because she wasn't secure and confident in the relationship to start that she is now having trust issues. She wasn't secure, so she opened the door to this. This isn't a new issue.

 

The course leader of a seminar I went to once said, "Trust? I don't give my trust to anybody" and he was talking about his wife. The point was that you have to be secure in the structure of your relationship. It's not about trust.

 

It would be more fruitful to work at being secure in the relationship, knowing it is a secure relationship, than to keep analyzing feelings of insecurity.

Security and blind faith have nothing to do with each other. Did you even read what Kamille has written? This is the fantasy that destroyed his last relationship and he tried to pull the same crap on Kamille, with lying by omission. That he's finally come forth with additional information is only because she's busted him. Still not convinced that's all the facts and that he's worth trusting.

 

Me, I'd bust him wide open. But that's just me. The truth matters more than the relationship since healthy relationships can't be built on deceit. Either he's in or out. Truth be told, I think he's full of it.

[johan]

 

Me, I'd bust him wide open.

 

I don't think violence is the answer.

[threebyfate]

Boyfriend, I hope you're reading all of this and realizing what you've done. You've been stupid, all for a fantasy, risking a deep, trusting and loving relationship for less than nothing.

 

Man, I'm not sure what Kamille sees in you...at all, 'cause I would personally dump you like the sad sack that you are. Kamille deserves better.

[Ms. Joolie]

But she *was* secure in their relationship -- K stated so many times -- until she realized he was withholding information from her. The fact he was going to take her to lunch with the other "love of his life" and he didn't disclose that information prior to the meeting is honestly just kind of bizarre to me.

 

She has to *be* secure in the relationship. Being secure, in my mind, would mean dealing responsibly with what has happened inside the relationship.

 

The meeting was unusual, but he explained his stand and it is understood that he was dealing with closure at the time. The twitter feed was unusual, there is no explanation for that right now and only assumptions to try and understand.

 

If that were my BF, and he were going to THAT city to visit his brother, I would sure hope I was secure enough in the relationship to let him go there. If not, I would have to question what it is about the relationship that leaves me insecure.

 

Does the BF regularly withhold?

Is there indication of the LDR not working?

Is the commitment to the relationship secure?

 

 

Again, dealing with the security of the relationship is a much better standing point then dealing with the trustworthiness of people.

 

If the relationship is fine, then Kamille is being insecure. If the relationship is not fine, then Kamille is being irresponsible.

 

I am totally rooting for her, just don't want to see her give in to insecurities.

[threebyfate]

She has to *be* secure in the relationship. Being secure, in my mind, would mean dealing responsibly with what has happened inside the relationship.

 

The meeting was unusual, but he explained his stand and it is understood that he was dealing with closure at the time. The twitter feed was unusual, there is no explanation for that right now and only assumptions to try and understand.

 

If that were my BF, and he were going to THAT city to visit his brother, I would sure hope I was secure enough in the relationship to let him go there. If not, I would have to question what it is about the relationship that leaves me insecure.

 

Does the BF regularly withhold?

Is there indication of the LDR not working?

Is the commitment to the relationship secure?

 

 

Again, dealing with the security of the relationship is a much better standing point then dealing with the trustworthiness of people.

 

If the relationship is fine, then Kamille is being insecure. If the relationship is not fine, then Kamille is being irresponsible.

 

I am totally rooting for her, just don't want to see her give in to insecurities.

Do you honestly understand the difference between stupidity and trust?

[johan]

Boyfriend, I hope you're reading all of this and realizing what you've done. You've been stupid, all for a fantasy, risking a deep, trusting and loving relationship for less than nothing.

 

Man, I'm not sure what Kamille sees in you...at all, 'cause I would personally dump you like the sad sack that you are. Kamille deserves better.

 

Would you say this before, during or after you eviscerated him?