I have a girlfriend but I will always be in love with you

[Ms. Joolie]

Security and blind faith have nothing to do with each other.

 

I'm not sure how you tied in security with blind faith. I agree, they have nothing to do with each other.

[threebyfate]

I'm not sure how you tied in security with blind faith. I agree, they have nothing to do with each other.

The same way you've tied security to Kamille's situation. When someone proves that their words and actions don't line up, you'd be an absolute fool to lay it at the foot of insecurity.

[Ms. Joolie]

Do you honestly understand the difference between stupidity and trust?

 

I'm not saying anything about trusting him. Didn't even deal with that. Not sure what you are saying.

 

My focus is on the relationship they have together, not on feelings of trust.

[threebyfate]

I'm not saying anything about trusting him. Didn't even deal with that. Not sure what you are saying.

 

My focus is on the relationship they have together, not on feelings of trust.

*smacks forehead*

 

A relationship is nothing without trust.

[Ms. Joolie]

The same way you've tied security to Kamille's situation. When someone proves that their words and actions don't line up, you'd be an absolute fool to lay it at the foot of insecurity.

 

They have been in a relationship together for months. (?) Let's say the meeting with the BF, the ex and Kamille was truly closure for this guy.

 

What actions/words has he said since then that don't line up?

 

"I'm going to X city to visit my brother."

 

?

[Art_Critic]

Truth be told, I think he's full of it.

 

I think this part is true...

 

I would add though that I think it can be worked thru providing he is willing to be open about it and close that part of his life..

 

I know he was already supposed to have done that but something tells me he should get another chance.. maybe it is because I think he is telling the truth about his lack of contact with her..

 

I do wonder though if she perhaps made some sort of play for him and he either ignored it or never got it.. ie: she sent an email to an old email addy that he no longer uses, so she thinks she sent him an email all the while he never got it...

 

I hope you get thru this K.. fingers crossed

[xpaperxcutx]

She has to *be* secure in the relationship. Being secure, in my mind, would mean dealing responsibly with what has happened inside the relationship.

 

The meeting was unusual, but he explained his stand and it is understood that he was dealing with closure at the time. The twitter feed was unusual, there is no explanation for that right now and only assumptions to try and understand.

 

If that were my BF, and he were going to THAT city to visit his brother, I would sure hope I was secure enough in the relationship to let him go there. If not, I would have to question what it is about the relationship that leaves me insecure.

 

Does the BF regularly withhold?

Is there indication of the LDR not working?

Is the commitment to the relationship secure?

 

 

Again, dealing with the security of the relationship is a much better standing point then dealing with the trustworthiness of people.

 

If the relationship is fine, then Kamille is being insecure. If the relationship is not fine, then Kamille is being irresponsible.

 

I am totally rooting for her, just don't want to see her give in to insecurities.

 

But K has been secure all this time- evidenced by her continuing relationship ever after moving across the pond. Her insecurity is bound to the fact BF lied ( by omission), and that is not her fault. For her to dispell said insecurity would require the BF to be straight forward about his reasons why he cannot be honest.

 

Really, the last person to actually want to doubt their relationship is K. But BF is the culprit here, and while it would be demanding of K to insist he not go to that city, I can see why she should. Ultimately, it's the BF who should be aware of what he should and should not do, with K's considerations in mind.

[Art_Critic]

Boyfriend, I hope you're reading all of this and realizing what you've done. You've been stupid, all for a fantasy, risking a deep, trusting and loving relationship for less than nothing.

 

Man, I'm not sure what Kamille sees in you...at all, 'cause I would personally dump you like the sad sack that you are. Kamille deserves better.

 

Does he read LS ?

[Ms. Joolie]

*smacks forehead*

 

A relationship is nothing without trust.

 

The relationship is everything, it is the trust.

[xpaperxcutx]

Does he read LS ?

 

If I remember correctly, K has said she told him about LS.

[threebyfate]

Does he read LS ?

Kamille told him about her username awhile back. I sincerely hope he's reading this thread. Better yet, have him post.

[Art_Critic]

oh...

 

Well then... I guess he now knows he is pretty deep hot water right about now then..

 

I would guess the fact he has most likely read LS then should play into how much effort he should put forth to fix this, K should be able to tell how invested he is in her just by watching his actions.

[threebyfate]

The relationship is everything, it is the trust.

Exactly. Which I might say, has nothing to do with what you've been posting.

 

You laid the blame on Kamille for not being secure where it would have been totally dense on her part to ignore that his words and actions didn't match historically. She still has no idea if he's lying about not being in contact since his purported break through moment, that fateful weekend. His story has been amended since she first posted. Initially, it was a definitive no. Now it's not as definitive, but he doesn't think so. Even his words don't jive. And now he wants to visit his brother without Kamille, who conveniently lives in the same city with his fantasy.

 

Horse pucks et al!

[Ms. Joolie]

Exactly. Which I might say, has nothing to do with what you've been posting.

 

You laid the blame on Kamille for not being secure where it would have been totally dense on her part to ignore that his words and actions didn't match historically. She still has no idea if he's lying about not being in contact since his purported break through moment, that fateful weekend. His story has been amended since she first posted. Initially, it was a definitive no. Now it's not as definitive, but he doesn't think so. Even his words don't jive. And now he wants to visit his brother without Kamille, who conveniently lives in the same city with his fantasy.

 

Horse pucks et al!

 

I have said that this is not a trust issue, it is a security issue. That is where I'm coming from. You are right, I have said nothing further about trust until replying to you.

 

I am not blaming Kamille. At all. Is it okay to feel insecure? Yes. Not only is it okay, it is completely human.

 

It is also completely human to assume something like, oh, that her BF's words and actions haven't lined up all this time. Or to assume that closure for him wasn't really closure. Or to assume that they are corresponding behind Kamille's back.

 

It's all these assumptions that are leading to all her insecurity. I'm just asking she take a real look at her relationship for what it really is now. There's lots of questions to ask and nothing to ignore. It's the assumptions that will get her in trouble.

[snug.bunny]

I went back and reread your initial post, because when I first read it, I was under the impression that his ex's status update was recent in correlation to your boyfriend wanting to visit his brother of which happens to be in the same city where his ex lives. I was also responding to tour thread title indicating that he is still "in love" with her and always will be.

 

If they're no longer in contact with each other, and his mention of going to visit his brother in her city, is what triggered your insecurity over something that happened in the past, then yes, it is on you to accept that it is in the past and not a reflection of your boyfriend's current behavior. It seems like you both addressed it back when the two of you became "official", that he wasn't forthcoming with it when that weekend getaway was planned and he did not tell you she was his ex, but rather a "friend", who he was still in contact with and pursued meeting her with you while on the trip, is something that would obviously be of concern for you. You can't go back in time and those events cannot be changed, he fessed up shortly after, and you both agreed to squash it and move forward.

 

Now there is that lingering insecurity that has resurfaced, if he goes to visit his brother in the city that his ex resides, without you.....can you trust and accept that there is no involvement with the ex on a romantic level, when he is there visiting his brother?

[threebyfate]

I have said that this is not a trust issue, it is a security issue. That is where I'm coming from. You are right, I have said nothing further about trust until replying to you.

 

I am not blaming Kamille. At all. Is it okay to feel insecure? Yes. Not only is it okay, it is completely human.

 

It is also completely human to assume something like, oh, that her BF's words and actions haven't lined up all this time. Or to assume that closure for him wasn't really closure. Or to assume that they are corresponding behind Kamille's back.

 

It's all these assumptions that are leading to all her insecurity. I'm just asking she take a real look at her relationship for what it really is now. There's lots of questions to ask and nothing to ignore. It's the assumptions that will get her in trouble.

Based on your logic, Kamille would have no idea what's real even present day, since her perception of what's real could be purely assumption.

 

I also once again question whether you've read this thread. Her boyfriend has admitted to lying by omission and that he's violated her trust. This means that both Kamille's and her b/fs perception line up. Does this mean it's reality now?

[Ms. Joolie]

Based on your logic, Kamille would have no idea what's real even present day, since her perception of what's real could be purely assumption.

 

I also once again question whether you've read this thread. Her boyfriend has admitted to lying by omission and that he's violated her trust. This means that both Kamille's and her b/fs perception line up. Does this mean it's reality now?

 

Her perception of her relationship with the BF, as it is now, is her reality. Unfortunately, she is too stuck reacting to something that happened 18 months in the past to be present to her relationship's reality now. Not blaming her, just saying.

 

We don't really know what the boyfriend has agreed to on his part. From what I read, he acknowledged her vulnerabilities.

 

What I see happened is that, 18 months ago, her BF withheld an important piece of communication. Kamille swallowed it then but her reaction is actually just now resurfacing. There is nothing we know of here, in this thread, that mentions any interaction or problems between BF and ex in the last 18 months. That doesn't mean there wasn't any, it just means we don't know.

 

If Kamille's relationship with BF is healthy and happy now (secure), there is no good reason for the problem at hand.

 

Sure the BF withheld info but that was a long time ago and he was really dealing with stuff. He should have been completely honest about it, but he was not. Is that going to blow up the next 18 months and a future together with Kamille?

 

And, yes, I have read all Kamille's postings.

[threebyfate]

Her perception of her relationship with the BF, as it is now, is her reality. Unfortunately, she is too stuck reacting to something that happened 18 months in the past to be present to her relationship's reality now. Not blaming her, just saying.

 

We don't really know what the boyfriend has agreed to on his part. From what I read, he acknowledged her vulnerabilities.

 

What I see happened is that, 18 months ago, her BF withheld an important piece of communication. Kamille swallowed it then but her reaction is actually just now resurfacing. There is nothing we know of here, in this thread, that mentions any interaction or problems between BF and ex in the last 18 months. That doesn't mean there wasn't any, it just means we don't know.

 

If Kamille's relationship with BF is healthy and happy now (secure), there is no good reason for the problem at hand.

 

Sure the BF withheld info but that was a long time ago and he was really dealing with stuff. He should have been completely honest about it, but he was not. Is that going to blow up the next 18 months and a future together with Kamille?

 

And, yes, I have read all Kamille's postings.

Oh? Try this post.

 

Right now I'm questioning if I can trust him. He contends that he has given me reason to mistrust him by lying through omission, and says he is as lost for words as I am about what to do about what is now a full-blown trust issue.

[Ms. Joolie]

I just don't know how to trust him right now, considering there's the lie by omission and then that twitter she posted. I just don't know how to make sense of that post.

 

Do I think he is telling the truth about not contacting her since the time we visited that city. Not really. Do I think he's telling the truth about not thinking of going to visit her this time? I'm not sure.

 

I actually think her lack of trust in the relationship is uncalled for at this point, without any further evidence of words/actions on his part.

 

He's already told her enough, she doesn't believe him and she is not trusting him. All because of that withhold 18 months ago before they were exclusive, as he was dealing with closure??

 

 

NOT blaming you, Kamille, just pointing this out.

[Ms. Joolie]

Oh? Try this post.

 

Not quite what I was looking for, but okay. It just sounds more like he was agreeing with her rather than admitting something for himself.

 

A man truly lost for words in all this right now, in the present day. haha

Edited April 9, 2011 by Ms. Joolie

[threebyfate]

Not quite what I was looking for, but okay. It just sounds more like he was agreeing with her rather than admitting something for himself.

 

A man truly lost for words in all this right now, in the present day. haha

Kamille is the type of woman who doesn't have to make excuses for partners, since she can easily find another man, one who doesn't pull crap on her.

 

To me, a lot of people put up with a lot from their partners. And it goes on and on and on, until finally, something gives and they've had enough.

 

None of this surrounds security but it does surround trust. Is he trustworthy? And if what you say is true that he's only lip servicing her "insecurities", then he's even worse than I had originally thought.

[Ms. Joolie]

Kamille is the type of woman who doesn't have to make excuses for partners, since she can easily find another man, one who doesn't pull crap on her.

 

To me, a lot of people put up with a lot from their partners. And it goes on and on and on, until finally, something gives and they've had enough.

 

None of this surrounds security but it does surround trust. Is he trustworthy? And if what you say is true that he's only lip servicing her "insecurities", then he's even worse than I had originally thought.

 

Arguing trustworthiness is futile. If the relationship is actually secure, is Kamille going to be trustworthy from now on or will she be throwing the BF under the bus with every reaction? "Can I trust you?" is NOT the question I want ruling my life, anyway.

 

Keep the relationship healthy and happy(secure), and the rest is just moot.

 

Of course she doesn't have to make excuses for him, but she does need to understand. I would say she is not understanding the facts right now, but reacting to assumptions.

[yessy21]

Hes full of it. U need to let him go. Ur going to get hurt. Very hurt. End it now before its too late.

[Ms. Joolie]

Kamille, I would say your BF is NOT a loser and he really has been in the relationship with you that you thought existed all these months, and it still exist.

 

However, for your security now, get clear as day about his communication with her and how he sees his relationship with her, if there is any. If there is no relationship, then get a gist of his feelings about her now. Be secure in that the relationship with the ex is in the past, and that he is complete with his closure over it.

[threebyfate]

Arguing trustworthiness is futile. If the relationship is actually secure, is Kamille going to be trustworthy from now on or will she be throwing the BF under the bus with every reaction? "Can I trust you?" is NOT the question I want ruling my life, anyway.

 

Keep the relationship healthy and happy(secure), and the rest is just moot.

 

Of course she doesn't have to make excuses for him, but she does need to understand. I would say she is not understanding the facts right now, but reacting to assumptions.

So, partner A chooses to lie by omission and so, if you're a secure person, you wouldn't question their trustworthiness since it's in the past? And this same fantasy broke his prior relationship? Hello? Your logic makes zero sense to me.

 

Historical patterning is the best way to gauge how a person will react currently and in the future. And currently, he's changed his story about contact post exclusivity. Bet if she seriously wanted to know the truth, his story would continue...evolving...to his benefit...until soon, he will be a shining knight or someone victimized by his ex/ex or worse yet, victimized by Kamille.

 

Anyways, I'm coming from a place of caring about Kamille and think she can do way better than this dud. Hopefully I'm wrong but this guy is literally dressed in red flags. His love affair with a fantasy isn't over.