I have a girlfriend but I will always be in love with you

[Art_Critic]

When a man brings you flowers for no reason, there's a reason.

 

That isn't always true.. I bring my wife flowers all the time for no reason..

Well.. I guess it is because I love her.. so maybe there is a reason

[denise_xo]

Kamille, I'm so sorry you're hurting. Hugs to you.

 

What could he do that wouldn't be an invasion of privacy on my part, to earn my trust back?

 

I told him one of my fears is that he would withhold important information from me.

 

Maybe a bit of invasion of privacy is called for. I'm usually the last one to advocate that couples should have access to each other's email accounts and so on, but if that's what you think it would take, at least assess whether he would be open to it. If he's not, ask him to come up with practical solutions for how trust can be restored (which I guess you already have with not much response?).

 

In a way, it isn't the fact that he didn't tell me she was his ex during our trip that bothers me (we were, by all standards, only dating up until that trip)

 

I'm not sure about this one. I understand that in principle you were not exclusive at this point, but it is still a bit strange to me to go away for a long weekend with a new flame, and meet up with a former 'love of my life that got away' as part of that trip.

 

More generally, it seems to me that the real issue is not so much lack of trust (although obviously that's an important aspect of it), but that he has repeatedly allowed his connection to this woman to interfere with (now two?) of his subsequent relationships. You said he has considered that and while I understand that you might want to share the details online, I think the question of what came out of that consideration is key here.

[TokyoG33kyGal]

hi Kamille,

 

i am gonna share an experience but i am not sure if you will get a clear answer from it. i have gone through an almost similar thing with my current fiancé. we are also in a long distance relationship.

 

before my fiancé and i became exclusive, there was this girl that he was obsessing about. he had always talked about her but never knew who this girl was and we were just talking that time so it did not really bother me.

 

they say what you don't know won't hurt you. he told me when he went to Maryland he was supposed to meet this girl. we were already discussing the possibility of meeting each other in person during that trip. so like you i entertained these thoughts that he could be still exploring the idea of being with her. my rational mind during our conversation was saying it's cool and thinking we weren't exclusive yet so there's nothing wrong about it. then my irrational self was starting to get jealous and exploring the thought of he could be still fantasizing about her.

 

that bothered me for a while and i talked to him to clear things up. my insecurity was magnified because of the distance, the possibility of an overlap, the thoughts that he could be using me as a way to get over her, etc. like you, my concern was if he lied by omission and if he was still keeping in touch with her. he also said he understood why i would feel that way, considering the distance and the blur between the dating timelines.

 

the ball was in my court. i could have walked away and let the insecurity eat me or i could go with my gut and give him the benefit of the doubt. to ease my worries, he let me ask him anything about her and he answered my questions. it helped a lot and his willingness to answer everything made me feel that this relationship is important for him. liars normally would have been angry for questioning their integrity. but because of the distance he cut me some slack too.

 

i worked on those insecurities and he was so great about reassuring me, so it really helped to trust him.

 

i think trust must both be given and earned. imagine a glass that needs to be filled with trust. whatever he earns by giving proof of his love, he uses it to fill in his part. whatever you give is part of the risk you have to take. he could go on and on proving himself, but that glass would remain half empty if you do not fulfill your part.

 

in this case he might have broken the trust but it wasn't intentional. i think you should give him a chance. in long distance relationships, you must be ready to accept that things might be temporary and everything is a gamble. if you always go by the rule that you have everything to lose, you will always have this fear that it won't work.

[Kamille]

Thank you all for your replies and for reminding me that I am in charge of feeling secure.

 

I have been reading up on deception and I feel like it's given me tools on how to best communicate. Bf has also been extremely forthcoming with information and he always drove down so we could talk in person (his idea).

 

Toykupgirl, thank you for sharing your story.

 

You've all given me food for thought. My gut is telling me to stay and work on feeling secure, getting my life going in my new town, seeing how he and I evolve.

 

We talked a lot and the truth is, he makes me feel loved and cherished.

[Ms. Joolie]

Last night, I felt like I was damned if I do, damned if I don't. If I break things off because of this, I would feel like I am making a huge mistake. If I stay, I might find out he's been playing me all along.

 

Other things to take into consideration:

- I'm exhausted and stressed lately, and when I am exhausted and stressed, I tend to try and find problems in my relationship.

- Considering we are long term long distance right now, I don't think I fear loss. I feel lonely a lot, I feel he's far. I feel torn between my career and my relationship. I feel "in transit" right now. Like I can't really settle in either one or the other.

 

I just typed that out and realize that's probably the main issue right now, and the reason I feel so insecure.

 

Do you have an idea of where you want the relationship to go? Surely you don't want to carry this LDR out for an indefinite amount of time?

 

Also, maybe it's that time of month for you. When it's that time of month for me, and my hormones are way way out of whack, I have a really difficult week. Ugh. Our cycle and all those hormones really take a toll. Just mentioning this as a very possible cause.

 

I am also thinking that a woman should never EVER feel insecure like this in a relationship. It just isn't right. It doesn't mean anything is wrong exactly, or that he is to blame. It just means that the relationship is missing something important, something vital, for you. Someone mentioned already how feeling that way alone is a red flag and I agree. If it isn't hormones, I believe there is something very real in the way for you. It might have nothing to do with the ex, and something to do with the LDR.

 

Maybe take the focus off your BF and the ex (with who apparently there has been no activity with recently). Be honest with yourself about this LDR and focus on what you really want in a relationship, in this relationship.

 

It does strike me that perhaps you are using this issue with your BF about his ex to voice your own insecurities in the relationship. Don't use this distraction to make you miserable. Find out instead what it is you want that will make you happy.

 

My sympathy goes out to you, I know you are struggling with all this. Keep your head high, your heart strong and be true to yourself.

[Ms. Joolie]

We talked a lot and the truth is, he makes me feel loved and cherished.

 

That is most important. So happy for you.

[betterdeal]

You've all given me food for thought. My gut is telling me to stay and work on feeling secure, getting my life going in my new town, seeing how he and I evolve.

 

We talked a lot and the truth is, he makes me feel loved and cherished.

 

Sounds very wise to me. If it feels good, do it. If it feels bad, don't do it.

[TokyoG33kyGal]

Thank you all for your replies and for reminding me that I am in charge of feeling secure.

 

I have been reading up on deception and I feel like it's given me tools on how to best communicate. Bf has also been extremely forthcoming with information and he always drove down so we could talk in person (his idea).

 

Toykupgirl, thank you for sharing your story.

 

You've all given me food for thought. My gut is telling me to stay and work on feeling secure, getting my life going in my new town, seeing how he and I evolve.

 

We talked a lot and the truth is, he makes me feel loved and cherished.

 

sounds good that he is trying to reassure you. best of luck.

[Kamille]

Another thread on here made me think I would update this.

 

Bf and I have been able to spend the last 4 days together. We had two discussions about this issue.

 

I want to thank you all for your comments. By the time we discussed it, I felt I was in charge of making sure I felt secure, and it made the discussion much easier to navigate. I wasn't attached to a particular outcome, or relying on him to make me feel secure. We've been able to go pretty deep into what we feel is the dynamic of our relationship, and we have discussed his (past) actions and my fears. I feel we've reached an understanding about it all. The result is that I now feel like I'm on the road to healing about the trust issues I had.

 

Thanks again, all, for your help and support.