have i lost her for good?

[tom_gbr]

my ex girlfiend sent me a text message last friday nite saying that she is missing me and it really screwed with my mind so i sent a reply the other day asking what she was thinking and that it was unfair as she knows how i still feel about her.

 

she replied by asking what i was on about and that i had told her that if shes ever missing me she should text me sayin so....then she said ' i understand, ill never text you again ' what the hell ?!?!?!?!?!?!?!

 

i told her a week before that if she ever feels like seeing how i am or if shes thinking about me that she could text me if she wanted too. i text her back saying this and she didnt reply.

 

what the hell do i do now?...i feel like im going right back to square one when we just broke up. it sounds like she hates me.

 

thats the last thing i want. do i wait a while and contact her or do i send her a text right away?

[uriel]

No, she doesn't hate you. Her response is one of hurt. You led her to believe that if she wanted to touch the old feelings again, however briefly and lightly, that would be okay. When you responded negatively, she felt rejected and scared of getting hurt more herself. She doesn't want to believe she was doing anything wrong.

 

She's emotionally confused and so are you. You both still have tender feelings for one another, despite the break up. She misses you, and you miss her. You're used to reaching out to one another, but now aren't supposed to because of the separation -- and yet, that's hard to keep up in those moments when you're feeling lonely and low. So, forgive her and forgive yourself. Hope that she does the same. The only way for things to heal is to let things go quiet between you. Let the emotional intensity gradually fade.

 

At most, you could write her a note in email telling her you're sorry for the mixed messages you sent her. Admit you invited her to write, and didn't mean to make her feel badly about doing it. You'd hoped you could stay in touch, but realize now that's not a good idea. It stirs up too much. You want to let things go until you're over each other -- and then maybe some contact as friends will be possible.

 

-- uriel

[tom_gbr]

thanks for the good advice...i think im going to send her a text message tonight saying what you said. i dont want to leave it to long before i get in contact with her. She has been having a lot of problems at home and the thought of her being hurt because of me really gets to me.

 

when she texted me saying that she wont text me anymore i suppose i thought she was trying to hurt me but i think your right i think its because i hurt her.

 

i think she was expecting me to text her back saying that ' i miss you ' or something. that last thing she expected was me texting her saying that it was out of order saying that shes missing me

 

just wish me luck this time, thanks for your help

[tom_gbr]

dont know how many posts of done today but this is the lowest ive felt in a long time. sent a message to the ex earlier just explaining what i meant and so on and i also said sorry if i hurt her feelings in any way. and she hasnt replied.

 

this is killing me. i think she was serious when she said that she will never text me ever again. im really thinking that either ive really hurt her feelings or that she really hates me.

 

i feel so alone right now. ive been ok recently because i have known that she still thinks about me a lot and we were on good terms but now she hates me. i sat in my room earlier and just cried while looking through old photos. ive gone back to how i wass when she finished it a month a go.

 

what should i do? do i phone her as set things straight? or do i leave it? im feeling so depressed i cant believe i will never hear from her again

 

ive lost her for good and theres nothing i can do

[tom_gbr]

things couldnt be worse now between me and my ex. we have eben apart now for a month and she sent me a text message friday night sayin that she was missing me

 

we did sort of agree on no contact but i said to her that if she ever feels like textin me that she can is it would be nice....but i had no idea that she was gonna text me saying that she was missing me.

 

anyway i left 2 days and text back saying that i was confused about whats going on inside her head and that it was unfair for her to send me a message like that as she knows that my feelings for her are still as strong as when we were going out.

 

she replied to this saying that i hold told her to text me and say if she was missing me and that she understands and that she will never text me again! i text back explaining what i meant about her contacting me and so on and she didnt reply.

 

i sent her a message today as i realised that i could of really hurt her feelings as she was probably thinking it would mean a lot to me to know that shes missing me....i said sorry and that im not copingb at the moment and that i had just lost my job. and she hasnt replied! im scared that she never will text me again

 

is it too late now? if i dont contact her at all have i lost her for good? im scared and dont know what to do!

[Princessjesabell]

Text her telling her that you miss her also.

[tom_gbr]

i did in all the messages that ive sent to her ive said that im missing her loads. i feel like ****. have i hurt her that much? is she that angry with me that she really wont never text me? i have been getting better over the last couple of weeks but i have gone right back now to how i was.

 

i feel like phoning her and trying to explain...i did try and phone her last night before i text her but she didnt pick up.

 

im hating this so much as the break up was on good terms....yeah i took it badly but i wasnt angry with her or anything and she kept in contact with me to see how i was...and now look at it...what should i do?...im losing hope. i know we are over but i cant loose her as a friend

[tom_gbr]

ahhhhhh tis is driving me crazy i need some proffesional help! whhy am i feeling bad about what i said in that message? surely it was stupid on her part to send me a text message saying that shes missing me when she was the one that ended it and doesnt wanna be with me anymore.

 

i text her to tell her how i was feeling and that it messed me up i didnt think i would get that reaction. but why do i feel bad? why am i kicking myself about it?

 

if shes missing me does that mean shes doubting her decision to not be with me? if so why would she say in the last message i got from her that she will never text me again?

 

is she trying to hurt me by saying this or does she think this will help me?

 

i need help!

[Velveteel]

I'm serious. You're projecting and obsessing and worrying, and all it does is make you miserable over a minor issue in your post-break-up relationship with your ex. So you reacted in haste to her text message about missing you. Oh, well. We're all a little touchy after a break-up. What's more important is that you did the right thing and apologized. You've explained yourself clearly to her. Let it go. Calling her now, or texting again, is just hounding her. If she wants to remain angry, let her.

 

I seriously doubt she'll never text message you again. People say all sorts of things when they're angry and hurt. She felt rejected by you, and she struck back. Now you've said you're sorry. Only time will tell whether she'll be mature enough to handle this calmly, and to text you again sometime, or acknowledge your message in some other way.

 

It really is minor. Don't bring it up again with her. I know it's driving you insane, but stay away from the mementos, etc., right now. Don't fuel your loss. Get out of the house and get your mind off your ex. And whatever you do, don't let her see how broken up you are by her casual threat of not text-messaging you anymore. If you want her respect, be consistent and calm and independent. Good luck!

[tom_gbr]

dont know if any1 is reading these or not but i had to text her. i said ' i really need to know if ure angry with me or if i hurt u. im sorry if i hav u know thats the last thing i want. would hate to think that i will never hear from you. x '

 

she actually replied but it wasnt nice, she said ' not im not. i never was. please stop sending me messages like that '

 

i know thats bad as her messages have never been like this...and usually she puts a kiss on the end whatever the message says and she hasnt even bothered.

 

i replied by saying ' thats all i wanted to know, i hope your ok, really hope we can be close friends, will take time x '

 

six months togther....took her to paris.....spent christmas together.....both were madly in love...my first love...and its come to this

[tom_gbr]

thanks for the advice Velveteel...if i only i read that before i text her....for some reason i think i feel better now.

 

i am trying to keep myself busy im lifting weights for an hour a day and trying to see mates as much as possible. it didnt help that when i met up with them tonight all they could talk about was there girlfriends which didnt help at all. i suppose that urged me to text her.

 

its good that we are two hours apart so we will never be bumping into one another but im constantly reminded about her as one of my mates is going out with one of her friends.

 

it will just take a lot of time to sort myself out. i love her so much and would do anything to be with her but i gotta understand its not what she wants

[Dixiecron]

Give your phone to one of your friends and tell him not to let you have it back for a month unless you are going to call someone else (as in someone other than your ex) while he watches the call to make sure you don't cheat...

[tom_gbr]

yeah thats good advice as our mobile phones played a very important part in our relationships as we are two hours apart.

 

i suppose if i seperate myself from my phone i will feel more seperated from her so i might try that. im willing to try anything. i do that on nights out now i always give my phone to my mates so i want text or phone her

 

thanks for the advice

[tom_gbr]

yeah thats good advice as our mobile phones played a very important part in our relationships as we are two hours apart.

 

i suppose if i seperate myself from my phone i will feel more seperated from her so i might try that. im willing to try anything. i do that on nights out now i always give my phone to my mates so i want text or phone her

 

but something inside me wants me to have my phone on me at all times just incase she phones me crying down the phone saying she wants me back. i know thats stupid as its clear by how she is it will never happen.

 

im just gonna have to be strong

[i love him but....]

Originally posted by tom_gbr

my ex girlfiend sent me a text message last friday nite saying that she is missing me and it really screwed with my mind so i sent a reply the other day asking what she was thinking and that it was unfair as she knows how i still feel about her.

 

she replied by asking what i was on about and that i had told her that if shes ever missing me she should text me sayin so....then she said ' i understand, ill never text you again ' what the hell ?!?!?!?!?!?!?!

 

i told her a week before that if she ever feels like seeing how i am or if shes thinking about me that she could text me if she wanted too. i text her back saying this and she didnt reply.

 

what the hell do i do now?...i feel like im going right back to square one when we just broke up. it sounds like she hates me.

 

thats the last thing i want. do i wait a while and contact her or do i send her a text right away?

alright sweety...... stop the text messaging alright u need to go see this girl and tell her how u feel....so u dont get mixed reactions when texting each other..... when she text u u gave her a negitive response wich made her feel bad. when u probably didnt mean for it to hurt her...so u meet up with her and talk in person....

[tom_gbr]

believe me i would like nothing more than to meet up with her but it involves a two hour car journey as we live far apart and i dont know how she will react of i turn up at her door.

 

i know all the reasons for her finishing it and not wanting to be with me anymore i just thought it was unfair her texting me like that. granted i did sound quite harsh in the message i sent back to her i really didnt mean to.

 

the way things have been left though it really seems like she wants me out of her life all together. the abruptness of the message and the fact that she didn t put a kiss on the end of the last two messages makes me think that.

 

i think im going to try and get some proffesional help as this is taking over my life. she's missing me but she doesnt want to be with me...when we broke up she still loved me...im so confused

[dario]

Text - sms...short message service...I think that's what that stands for. Heartfelt matters and sms...I know it is painfuly convenient and it just happens during mourning.

 

All I know...and perhaps I will be hit hard for this....is that I will not indulge in sms/text messages again when matters of the heart are concerned.

 

Telephone....voice....bravery.

[nycpetit]

Of course she still loved you when you broke up...that is normal...this is a hard one for you because it is your first love...and that one is always in there for awhile...and you don't have any past heartbreak to compare it to...if I look back for instance..I realize that the past breakups that hurt just as much as this one (well, actually this one is a bit worse)...that I don't feel that way about those people anymore...it DOES fade with time

 

it's taken me eight months so far..with seeing the ex on and off..and in a sense I will add that while I might have kept more respect for myself had I called it "over" long ago..that at the end of the day...I might also not have been able to see really what was "wrong" and how those things don't have anything to do with me..it took seeing him in fits and starts..not living together as we had been, to see the patterns, his depression, his moods...his anger, and how his financial problems are never going to end. His back and forth vascillating with me, his jealousies of everything that breathes and has an experience he is not..his little lies to make things seem grander, rosier...and then it wouldn't happen, another promise broken.

 

My point..before I get all melodramtic on you is this..YOU willl DO what YOU need to do to get over this. I disagree in general that there is a right or wrong way to get over heartbreak. Love has no rational..why should letting go be any different...we feel like children who are left by Mom on the first day of nursery school. If you are like me..and sometimes just refuse to accept, and find yourself bartering..as I shamefully admit I have been known to on occasion bow down to...heck...so what....like in five years..or even one it is really going to matter??? As long as it isn't some scene that will harm someone terribly (abusive, etc) or follow you aroudn embarrassingly for years...do you think it really matters what you do in the name of pain or missing?? No...not at all.

 

I will not say, "get busy" "devote only a certain amount of time to her in your thoughts each day and then move on"...I would be wasting my breath..if i can't do it..why or how could you???

 

At the end of the day.it won't get easier until it does..writing stuff out helps..cuz it would make me feel I was "talking" to them...it took a LONG time to see it for what it was...I believed we would be together for good..but I KNEW it wasn't right as it was..and that he had a lot of "work" to do on him....in time..and since you are a guy it will likely be half the time it took me...you will "see" it all differently...and if nothing else you will accept that it shouldn't be that "hard"

 

and as for driving to see her..well, I can't say I haven't thought to do the same with my ex...but what stops me is how horrible I will feel making the trip back...

 

best to you

N

[dario]

In all the posts I've read on this site...I would have to say that yours was one which dived into some personal understanding for me.

 

Nycpetit - thanks.

[tom_gbr]

thanks for that advice....i suppose at the moment im finding it really hard as it really seems like she is just annoyed with me and wants me completley out of her life...it hasn't helped the way ive been acting with all the text messages..but who could blame me?

 

she sent me a message saying that she was missing me...i think that would screw with anyones head....granted when i text her back i may have come across like i was having a go at her when all she was trying to do was hold on to some affection but she doesnt realise how im not coping.

 

because of the way i have acted over the last couple of days it looks like theres no chance us ever getting back together or even close friends now

 

i sent her a text asking if i had hurt her or if she was angry with me and her last text message to me was

 

' no im not, never was, could you please stop sending me these messages '

 

thats it....no kiss on the end like she puts on all her messages to everyone...this is what it has come down to. i have been tempted to phone her but what do i say? it will only make matters worse and ill be mising her even more....thats even of she picks up the phone.

 

i was coping ok last week because i knew that she was still thinking about me and that she would still be missing me...now look at everything...ive screwed up so much

[Velveteel]

No. You haven't screwed up. You just showed that you aren't in control of your feelings yet. On some level, she might even find that flattering. But now you really need to calm down and stop contacting her. You can regain your dignity (in her eyes and yours) only if you control yourself now. Just stop!

 

And no, I don't think you shouldn't drive those two hours and show up on her doorstep unannounced! Quite the opposite. I think you should not contact her until you hear from her first.

 

Your heart will say, "But what if that means I never hear from her again?!" But you absolutely must use your head now and understand that these frantic messages make you look desperate and needy. Silence will make you look strong. Trust me--and almost everyone else on this board--and do not contact her!

 

Any steps toward a friendship or reconciliation have to come from her now. And when they do, your new-found sense of strength and self-control will help you react calmly. You won't freak out. You'll be in control of your response, and, if you still want her friendship by then, you'll be warm, but not needy.

 

I know this is hard, but good luck. Be brave!

[tom_gbr]

thanks for the advice i will try...i know this sounds bad but i really wanted to phone her mid week as i know she is going out clubbing thursday night and i am really worried she wont be thinking about me at all and meet some guy...i suppose im thinking that if i ring her before hand and we have a great conversation and a laugh i could delay this from happening..i know that sounds really bad.

 

as it was at the weekend she was missing me...which sort of gave me the upper hand...as i had left it as contact from her and it wa showing her feelings were still there.

 

now with the way i have acted im looking very weak....whoops

[YssaBoo]

Hey,I don't know if this helps,but my ex told me he actually hated it when I sent him emails.He said they are cold and lack emotion.Even though we are getting along better now and the time apart did us good,I think we have both grown up more.He does email me,which is what he is against,and I answer.I think to hear the other person on the end of the phone you can sense the emotion in their speech and you might read something into a text and email that actually isn't there.Maybe she has had a bad day and with you being an emotional wreck you read it the wrong way.I was doing this continually to my ex before we broke up.He also told me that when he had a bad day that he took it out on me in the emails he sent me.Everybody told me that he did this because I was closer to him emotionally and he couldn't take it out at home,because he had to live there. I hope this helps,I know I am young ,but I have gone through this 3 times and this guy I want to keep.We are attending the same college together in the fall,he is already there and alot of people are telling me that is what he is waiting for.Good Luck!! and keep us posted

[tom_gbr]

thats the thing we are both young too....im 20 and shes 16, so i have to realise that because of her age she's gonna act differently to how i would. i still don't know what to do, dont think ill text her as i think thats a bit too impersonal.

 

i think i will phone her...i know that it's gonna make me feel worse but i wanna find out how she is and if she's ok...i also want to try and sound like im having a good time and that i am trying to move on just to see how she acts.

 

im also worried about her because she is having a lot of problems mentally, well she thinks she is and i believe her..i just want to see how shes doing.

 

maybe if i speak to her and i cheer her up or whatever she will know that she can turn to me whenever she needs me. thats importnant to me.

 

what do u guys think?

[YssaBoo]

I know how your are feeling!! I am 17 and my ex is 18 and in college and I think that in your case I am you and my is is your ex . My ex also had alot of problems growing up.To make a long story short,his mom is on her 3rd marriage,his real dad molested his sister(step).After this at 8 years old they put him on ritalin and prozac and anger therapy for 10 years,his gma and dad are alcoholics and the list goes on and on.When he turned 18 he stopped the therapy and his mom said he did so well when he was in counseling.I don't know if it would help to talk to her family,but than she might think you were going behind her back.When people are in that frame of mind you are damned if you do and don't.You call too much or not enough,you don't pay enough attention to them or you are smothering them.It is a fine line that you have to walk on and it is just trial and error. My friends and most of my family keep telling me to let him go.They don't know that they have never seen the side we have of our exs.,when they were very loving.If you just want to chat and get a younger point of view just pm me or chat in a post.I wish you all the luck and will say an extra prayer for you two