tom_gbr Posted April 6, 2004 Share Posted April 6, 2004 wow our situation is quite similar...i know what u mean about the fine line....i was always on that...i felt like i had to call her and text her to see if she was ok. i would call her and she would be really untalkative and i used to get upset and ask whats wrong. the first 3 months of our relationship were great...text each other 4 times a day and speak to each other twice a day. knowone has given her as much love and attention as i have...not even her parents...and i know i can still do that and make her happy...i think if we ever did get back together i would be less jealous and clingy as i was as now i know what its like to lose her as i was always worried that it was going to happen and thats why i acted clingy and jealous. i still want to be there for her and help her...but the way i am at the moment im just making things worse. Link to post Share on other sites
overseas2004 Posted April 6, 2004 Share Posted April 6, 2004 I had the same situation. We broke up. He would call me and want to see me. WE would see each other. He would hug and kiss me. But he did not want to come back and make up. He told me he did not love me. These are screwed up people who do not know what they want in life. And certainly she does not love you if she toys with you that way. You should not be concerned with whether she hates you or not. What you should be concerned with is HOW YOU ARE FEELING? And since she has put you at square 1 again since your break up. Then the answer is she is not making you feel good. Be concerned for youself dude. Cut all contact with her. If she truly loves you... she shall come back. Cmon think about it... could anyone prevent you from beign with someone you really loved? Of course not... Link to post Share on other sites
tom_gbr Posted April 6, 2004 Share Posted April 6, 2004 thanks for the advice...i know i shouldnt be but im really worried about her because of her mental health problems. i just want to know shes ok...i know shes been considering self harm and once suicide. i just want to help her Link to post Share on other sites
MarKus Posted April 6, 2004 Share Posted April 6, 2004 Steady on there tom....dont call her....you will just make matters worse....just leave her be for now, she was annoyed at you by saying stop sending these messages....so i bet you will annoy her by phoning her. I know its a fine line....you want to contact her....but if you do she might get annoyed. and if you dont contact her.....she might think you dont care anymore. Its a fine line....ive gone through it....still am on a break for 3 months been together 3 years....but there has never been a no contact rule between us. Just please dont call her....she knows how you feel....dont keep telling her Link to post Share on other sites
tom_gbr Posted April 6, 2004 Share Posted April 6, 2004 i just really want to do the right thing...i will take your advice...i suppose because of how things have been left between us i really want to ring her and for us to have a good chat and for her to feel happy. this is the hardest thing ive ever had to go through and the most painfull Link to post Share on other sites
Velveteel Posted April 7, 2004 Share Posted April 7, 2004 Don't do it! Come here and post instead. Pour out your feelings in writing, or on the board. You're starting to give yourself excuses about why you NEED to call her--"she'll meet someone else if I don't" or "she's mentally unstable and needs me." You do not need to call her. You need to learn self-control. It will help you the rest of your life. Sometimes the things we want most require patience and finesse. You want her to respect and admire you. Even if you never get back together, you want her to regard you with warmth, not pity or anger. She is sixteen, and has been clear enough to tell you to back off. Now do it. You won't look caring and considerate if you call her. You'll look desperate and weak. I'm sorry to put things this strongly. I know it's not what you want to hear. But right now, she's really regretting telling you that she missed you. Don't set yourself up to trigger those feelings of regret again. Link to post Share on other sites
tom_gbr Posted April 7, 2004 Share Posted April 7, 2004 thanks Velveteel i know what you are trying to say...i know shes not hurt or angry with me as she said in the last message i got from her. i really did want to phone her just for a chat....i wasnt going to beg for her back or say that i was missing her...i was just gonna do what i did before and be a friend...to find out how she is and tell her what ive been up to. part of me is saying to just not contact her and she will start to think about you and start to miss you...and the other part of me is saying that she will just not have me on her mind and meet someone new im hating this Link to post Share on other sites
YssaBoo Posted April 7, 2004 Share Posted April 7, 2004 Maybe it is too soon.Why don't you use the no contact rule and just leave her alone for awhile.She is 16 and with the problems she is having she does not want to be pushed. Like I have said,it is a fine line we walk with this type of person.Some need to find themselves or seek professional help or just plain GROW UP. YOu know my story and my ex was supposed to call my dad last night to tell him if he would go to a hockey game with him.He didn't and my dad actually emailed him and chewed him out very nicely.He respects my dad and apologized over and over in an email this AM and than called 20 min later to tell him.Sometimes they just have to see the mess they are making with their lives,by somebody older and alot more mature.As we have said it is time to give her the respect of privacy and maybe in those moments of solitude she'll see how you might be the only one that cares for her and notices things that no one else does.Again Good Luck and it will all work out in time.Time does heal all wounds. Link to post Share on other sites
tom_gbr Posted April 7, 2004 Share Posted April 7, 2004 thanks for another lot of great advice YssaBoo...at the end of the day im coping because of hope.....hope that she will wake up one morning and suddenley realise what she has let go of and everything that i have done for her. i know the phone call that i was going to make wasnt going to change much...if anything it was just me trying to delay her meeting someone new and for me to jusy make her happy and laugh...then do no contact from there and see what happens. i really didnt want to leave it as it is at the moment.....god this is such a mess Link to post Share on other sites
YssaBoo Posted April 7, 2004 Share Posted April 7, 2004 Right now alot of our lives our in a mess and we are here for each other. My friends don't care when I try to talk to them.they are still in HS and only care about themselves.I think that is the problem with our type of personality,we care too much and we hook up with a person who has a lot of problems. My mom is always saying"why do you always get these guys with so many problems"she calls them badboys. My ex is soooo cute and he never even looked at other girls,his dad told me he doesn't trust women because of his mom and sis. So you can see the mess they have to deal with at such a young age.I don't know about you but I was fortunate to have come from a great family.They are all very caring and sometimes overprotective,but I know they love me.I am an only child so I used to feel smothered,but my mom is a lot better now since my b/u.I'll keep checking back with you and see how you are doing,maybe later tonight.Take care and have a great holiday w/e. Link to post Share on other sites
tom_gbr Posted April 8, 2004 Share Posted April 8, 2004 im feeling very weak and thinking of phoning her in a couple of hours...what should i do this is killing me. i just want to hear her voice and to hear how she is but i know its going to upset me when the call ends...im justing finding it soooo hard with the way things have been left between us. Link to post Share on other sites
tom_gbr Posted April 9, 2004 Share Posted April 9, 2004 on day 4 of no contact.....with everyday that passes of me not contacting her and her not contacting me i feel that the chances of us gettin back together...even being friends is fading rapidly god i wish i could just fast foward to next month as this is killing me....i dont look forward to anything apart from the day to finish Link to post Share on other sites
lost_in_chgo Posted April 9, 2004 Share Posted April 9, 2004 Find something to do. I waited 4 months for contact. If you are obsessing, it is much harder. Go out with some friends. Go on a date. Link to post Share on other sites
fishman3226 Posted April 10, 2004 Share Posted April 10, 2004 I know what is going on here myself. My ex who dumped me is also suffering mental issues. After alot of soul searching and I admit some ego boosting thru going online and meeting women thru internet dating I got to the point of about to move on. I made a point of no contact at all unless she contacted me. Yeah, i thought of her regularly - man, I had days where I pined and cried and raged and hated her. All part of getting over her. I went out with heaps of women - hell, some I would even say I would think of as being better people than my ex. But at the end of the day I miss my ex. After all the water under the bridge it comes down now to a point where I have a glimmer of a chance - she has smsed me and rang me each night this week (from Tuesday) and not raged when I said about her missing me. Man, it comes to this. If they want you they come back. You have to be strong and prepared to fight against the demon she created. You are not alone either, no matter how much you think you may be. And the sad thing to is that no matter what is that if she comes back (my ex or our ex or anyones) it may be that at the end of the day it may not be forever. Also mate, something I found that may help to is to make yourself a better person and define who you are - have a look online at the principles of asatru - helps me no end to try follow these virtues in day to day life. Link to post Share on other sites
tom_gbr Posted April 13, 2004 Share Posted April 13, 2004 thanks for the advice...everyone has told me go out and meet some new girls...go on dates and so on...but when i go out and look at other girls...im just finding myself not attracted to them at all...i look at them and think that my ex is so much prettier...i just cant imagine being with someone else. whats worse as time goes on im getting horrible images in my head that i cant get out...i keep thinking of my ex being intimate with other guys...its killing me...i know its going to happen. she is so amazing....i would look at her and think im the luckiest guy in the world...she was so funny and clever as well. i am getting better...i feel like our lives are seperate now...i keep saying to myself that theres someone out there that can love me as much and even more than she did...but i dont want someone else right now. it made matters worse that when we broke up that she still loved me but needed to be by herself to sort everything in her life out. she is also suffering from mental issues and she thinks depression as well. what makes it worse i think im suffering from depression as well...im not sleeping and eating properly...i cant seem to motivate myself to do anything. im missing her like crazy...she is all i can think about and everything we have done together. this sucks so much....i know if we were still in each others lives we could both be happy....i know i can make her happy...the amount of things i had planned for us to do in these holidays and the may break...it was going to be amazing. how can someone that you spend the most intimate moments with suddenley become a stranger? Link to post Share on other sites
YssaBoo Posted April 13, 2004 Share Posted April 13, 2004 How long has it been since you have talked?If you have made it to almost a week you are doing good.Pat yourself on the back.I could never go beyond 5 days and it sucked.I even put an Easter bag on his doorstep and filled it full of stuff to deal with stress. He liked it and emailed me first thing in the AM. I have noticed we get along better if he does the contacting and asking me out. I saw him last night for just a half hour,first time since last Tuesday,and it was good. He called and wanted to know if I was home and than showed up at the Y. We had a good time and when I left I said I had to leave and he came up to me and touched my stomache and said later,with a huge smile. He hasn't done that in a long time. I think now if a person realizes how much they miss you they will contact you. I have learned to keep myself very busy.I joined the pit band for a musical on top of being in a pageant and with homework it's crazy.It shows my ex that I have another life and friends and that is what he wanted me to have.That way he has time for his friends and doesn't feel guilty when he's out with them. I hope and pray every day for us to have a second chance and it is working. I think if you just try to find something that you enjoy,other than her,it might just work.Try the gym,go to a concert,take a class or throw a party or just go to church and give everything else to God.I felt so good just starting to go again and leaving everything and trusting in him and it is working. Maybe she'll see how much you have learned from the relationship and will want to come around again.Good luck and give a few of these things a try,it works. Link to post Share on other sites
tom_gbr Posted April 13, 2004 Share Posted April 13, 2004 you said about waiting for her to contact me but i dont think thats going to happen at this rate...i think shes worried...worried that ill get the wrong message if she does..i mean i did act badly when she sent me that text message saying that she was missing me. maybe shes not contacting me because shes trying to forget about me...maybe its her way of getting over me...she did say that she doesnt need a boyfriend in her life. it was two wednesdays since i last spoke to her so i think im going to phone her tommorow...i feel now i can do this without gettin upset and breaking down over the phone. i have been up too loads of things recently that i never did when i was seeing her and would love to tell her about everything that ive been doing..it will really show that im coping and moving on...also i think ive done really well with the amount of times that i have been in contact with her recently. no contact at all really. im going to chat to her like i did last time...just say what ive been up too and ask how she is and what she has been up too...if she mentions about nights out im just gonna act like it doesnt bother me and ask if they were good and stuff. then before the call finishes im going to say ' if i dont hear from you before your mums wedding in may i wish her all the best and i hope you really enjoy it.... i know you will ' then end the call and then try no contact....and see what happens Link to post Share on other sites
YssaBoo Posted April 13, 2004 Share Posted April 13, 2004 You do what your heart is telling you to do and just don't think about it anymore.I finally did break down like I said and emailed him,but when I reply too often to his responses he quits contacting me.I finally learned that I might see him once or twice a week,if I do that I can't email him.I think it overwhelms him.I have also noticed when I chat in emails he disregards the stuff about me or if I ask him to do something.He seems to just want to vent and knows that I will listen and not judge him.I let him make the first moves after he started contacting me. Sometimes I get so depressed when he doesn't reply,but than when I do see him and he is happy to see me,it was worth the wait.Yesterday at the Y he called before he came and when he came in he just kept staring at me and I smiled.When I went out the door my mom told me to let him come up to me and I did.He motioned to me to come over and we had a great workout together and when I had to go he said"See ya later" and patted my tummy.He hasn't done that in a long time.Let me know how it goes for you after the phonecall.Good luck and remember you have the strength you can do it.What else do we have to lose,they have already left us,for now Link to post Share on other sites
fishman3226 Posted April 13, 2004 Share Posted April 13, 2004 Can be harder too. My ex contacted me over the course of a week and ultimately last night (after we had a cuddle at our mutual workplace) we met up at her place. We were intimate (not sex) we kissed and help each other and things got to a point where we could have slept with each other. She held me, kissed me, told me she missed me and the cuddles and warmth. Then the headcase turns to me and tells me there is no chance of a relationship again! I am 'what??' I mean to be honest, I think I wan tto marry her and be with her for the rest of my life, but do I want her rot? We ended up arguing and I left with the words 'I deserve better than this, everyone bar you can see what you want!' I reckon in all honesty that it aint worth it - but my heart says otherwise. Hopefully she will see what she is wanting and move past her own fears. But more likely she will continue to frustrate me and ultimately I will turn my love and desire to hate and loathing. Link to post Share on other sites
tom_gbr Posted April 13, 2004 Share Posted April 13, 2004 just thought id say that i went on a date tonight and it sort of helped....well i wouldnt call it a date as such as she has a boyfriend but atleast i went with a girl for a drink...something i wouldnt of done when i was seeing my girlfriend. she had some good advice....feel much better today...its really strange as i still love her and miss her like crazy but im not depressed right now Link to post Share on other sites
YssaBoo Posted April 14, 2004 Share Posted April 14, 2004 Great!Did it feel strange? I have had a few chances to date since our b/u and have refused.I remember my ex telling his best friend on New Years Eve(he thought I was sleeping)that if I ever cheated on him that would be it and he would never speak to me again.I think that has kind of scared me to date anyone so soon,hoping there will be a second chance. One of his cousins who he is really good friends with,just found out hi g/f is pregnant.It really bothered my ex,because he had alot of summer plans with him and now he has to get married.He has made new friends,but never introduces me to them,he never wants me to be around them. He has actually asked my dad if I am going to the Y and if I call to say I am he says he is going with his best friend and I probably wouldn't get to see him anyway.It turns out his best friend wanted to ask me out when we were going together and it really bothered him.In your opinion Tom,is this because he doesn't want me around his friends,because it would bother him to see me with one of them ,I am really confused. He goes out with his buddies and bums around,but me he goes alone with me.I really would like to have your opinion on this one.I hope you did better last night and let me know if you phone.Good Luck Link to post Share on other sites
tom_gbr Posted April 15, 2004 Share Posted April 15, 2004 it didnt really feel strange as i have known her for a long time.....i went out last night as well clubbing and i managed to be as confident as i can be right now and just started chatting and dancing with goodlooking girls....i felt better for it but it sort of felt wrong...it felt like i shouldnt be doing it which is stupid...did get any numbers though : ( the night was ok but i couldnt stop thinking about why my ex didnt bother answering the phone when i rang her and if she was busy at the time why did she phone me back?...im starting to think she just wants to forget me which is making me feel even worse right now. how am i going to ever going to love someone again?....she finished it because she didnt need me in her life right now...it wasnt because she had stopped loving me...but now why is she ignoring me?....she wanted to be friends. i did everything i could to make her happy...everything....im confused...i want my memories of my first love to be happy ones....i cant look back at my memories right now as the person that i spent those with seems to hate me. its been around a month a two weeks now since we have been apart and she is all i can think about...is she thinking about me at all?...is the reason why she didnt speak to me that she has feelings for me and thought it would be too hard? i just wish i could know whats going on inside her head....at this rate it seems that if i dont contact her im never going to hear from her again... Link to post Share on other sites
fishman3226 Posted April 15, 2004 Share Posted April 15, 2004 i just wish i could know whats going on inside her head Man, if only. If we could then we would not have lost them in the first place. I take soloce in this man - the fact is that unless she is inhuman and insensitive - she owuld think about you sometimes. I know it aint easy, but try not to think of how much you miss her - keep busy and think about YOUR hopes and goals - like wha would you do if you won some cash. Keep busy and social. Go for some online dating - meet some women if for a chat and (if they are in for it) some sex. Rememebr no matter what man, at the end of the day this woman may NOT come back. No matter what - look after YOU. Think too that you have to something for you - hell man, i bought a sword for me - and also at the end of the day you got hurt by her so why does she deserve your love? She should come back and earn it and to do that you should make yourself desirable and ready for it. I know it aint easy - hell, I wish sometimes my ex had just died to make it easier but at the end of it all you must trying to do something for YOU. Link to post Share on other sites
tom_gbr Posted April 15, 2004 Share Posted April 15, 2004 thanks mate for the good advice....helped chattin to goodlooking girls last night...its been a while since ive had the confidence to do that. im gettin a new job as well in a bar so that should be cool. one problem is that im in dept so i have no money at all for the next week and a bit....i cant pay my credit bill or my phone bill....im ****ed... i made things even worse for me by talking to one of her friends today on msn...i was just talking about myself and what im doing.....u know to make it look like im doing well without her....but then i did the stupid thing by asking how my ex was....she said that she was ok and that she is going round her house tonight before they all go out....thats something i didnt want to know...tonight is going to be hell...i really shoudnt of asked how she is. i know she will probably kiss some guy tonight.....it makes me sick thinking about it...i was this morning it makes it worse that when i phoned her yesterday she didnt answer the phone....i hate this Link to post Share on other sites
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