They DO come back !

[siuys]

I think once a MM or MW show you their true colours, it's easier to see them for who they really are and walk away. I know that's what happened to me and gave me the strength to go NC for real. My rose-tinted specs came off and bam! wow! thank you for showing me that awful side. Now finally I can stop living in some fantasy... stay strong, East.

[Owl]

East, I'm going to call it like I see it.

 

You know there's no anger or insult intended, my friend.

 

You're not in NC. You haven't been.

 

You're in LC, at best.

 

Because you continue to ACCEPT her intermittent contact...she knows she's still got you on a hook. You and her both get a periodic "fix" out of all of this.

 

You CANNOT treat her like a rational adult. You CANNOT expect that she's going to change, or that she's going to end contact until she's "free" to be with you.

 

She's shown you that you CANNOT expect this of her.

 

You can only accept that you're not in NC...or you can actually ENFORCE NC.

 

It's up to you, my friend.

[Flabbergaster]

There is someone out there for us. I don't believe we have one soul mate. I believe we may have a handful out there.

In my experience this has been the case. Hmm, i've ended up losing the few I had...marrying someone else...ok back to topic; Irish is right.

 

It is hard to date other women without being tempted to compare to xMW.

Go to test drive a low end Chevy. They'll show you the camaro, let you take it out for a spin "for fun, I know it's beyond your price range or interest. Hey, you're here, it's a slow day, have some fun."

Why do they do this? They know you'll compare all cars to this one, afterwards. You won't be buying the camaro, but you will likely buy a 'better' cheap car than what you planned.

My point is...we always want what we cannot have.

 

Yes they do miss us anyway, but what's the point ?

Oh brother, this is a great line. This is the line that gets me through today, actually.

...and yes we miss them, but what's the point of that, either? It won't make it hurt less, it won't bring them back (at least not the way we want).

 

 

But imagine you are now given that whole pie everyday. You get that delcious pie you dreamed of and you get to eat a new pie each and every day. How long would it be before that pie is not so special anymore?

Great analogy. This is a great summary of a concern I had when considering leaving my M for xOW.

 

East, you gotta just go NC and get away from this one. She is just going to use you to stabilize her emotions, she's not going to help you or leave for you.

 

Keep dating, you'll realize the girls are pretty good after all. These single girls have an overwhelming quality that she will never present...they are single and have the potential to be completely emotionally available to you.

[ladydesigner]

East, I'm going to call it like I see it.

 

You know there's no anger or insult intended, my friend.

 

You're not in NC. You haven't been.

 

You're in LC, at best.

 

Because you continue to ACCEPT her intermittent contact...she knows she's still got you on a hook. You and her both get a periodic "fix" out of all of this.

 

You CANNOT treat her like a rational adult. You CANNOT expect that she's going to change, or that she's going to end contact until she's "free" to be with you.

 

She's shown you that you CANNOT expect this of her.

 

You can only accept that you're not in NC...or you can actually ENFORCE NC.

 

It's up to you, my friend.

 

Great post Owl and the bolded are excellent points.

 

I agree East that every single time you accept the contact reinforces in her mind that you still care. This is why she continues to contact.

 

NC is not an easy thing to do, but I think necessary to heal and start to forget.

[tyler123]

Jlola- you NAILED IT OUT OF THE PARK. EAST- trust me this post from Jlola is so true - i have been through it all - my MW actually got divorced and i craved "the entire pie"... everyone told me that i will regret sticking around but me and my ego said that we were different and she would love me and put me on the pedestal for being by her side. Well the pie sucks and tastes like ****- she is still the same taker she was when i met her and she still treats me as if all i am worthy of is the slivers.. i wish i followed the NC advice 3 yrs ago when i first came here from help. i allowed myself to get sucked back in and the emotional vampire has drained me. Best advice stop focusing on the vampire and focus on what it is about you that settles for this emotional sucking-- that's what i am working on now and it's scary but better than continuing the roller coaster..

[Gentlegirl]

Hi,

 

After D day (wife discovered a very long text on his phone) the ex MM still tried to be in contact for 6 weeks.

 

He wanted to continue.... AFTER he had made things right with his wife. He wrote to me that she would forget in a little while and then we could see each other again.

 

What a JERK to put it kindly.

 

I think that's when I had a huge awakening and told him to go away for good.

 

Have not had any contact since 3rd February now. Have not seen him since 23 December when Dday occurred.

 

She's messing you around, just checking to see if she still has the power to make you want her.

 

It's all about thier egos.....

 

Get rid of her and find somebody who will be JUST yours. I did.

[silverplanets]

Wow Lola, I love your post, great insight. I find my situation in almost every word of your post.

 

Maybe it is my fault too, maybe it bursts my Ego to have a woman pinning after me, I feel good when she is so desperate to reach out of me.

But I realize it is like playing with the fire, becuase "I think" I master the situation and my feelings but I end up with rekindled feelings each time we resume contact.

The fact she is so inconsistent shows her true self: she doesn't know what she wants. She is still emotionally cheating on her H, after all he is doing for her and you are right, if she behaves this way she is not a trustful and reliable person. And no I am not sure at all if I want her as a life partner. I am sure she will divorce one day, when her H will be so sick and tired that he will want to go. She won't leave him, why would she? He is giving himself for granted. She is insecure and she hasn't the guts to do that. I have the power to drop a bomb and provoke a D if I contacted her H, I'm sure he doesn't know everything, but I will never do that, it is not my job and I'm not the type of person to contact the BS.

 

-------------

 

BB07, thanks

 

Hi East,

 

I saw this thread when you first posted it and wrote a long reply and then decided not to post it. I decided not to because, to be honest, I could not see the point of posting it. Someone had already challenged you on why you hadn't changed your number and you'd found a reason to justify it.

 

It seems from the above that you are maybe now asking yourself the MOST important question ... why are YOU still enabling this behaviour. Why haven't you REMOVED yourself from it.

 

You say maybe it's your fault too ... can I be harsh and say that, right now, it is ALL your fault. This is ONLY keeping going because YOU are letting it.

 

I am not being mean, I am not being derrogatory, I am merely stating the facts. If you changed your number, email and all methods of contact then this drama would stop.

 

If you haven't done the above then you need to be asking yourself why being in this drama still works for you. Because if it didn't work for you, then you would be completely out of it.

 

If you stay in the drama then yes, this sort of thing will obvioulsy carry on. If you inflame the situation by telling her you are dating then yes, she will escalate something else at her end.

 

Any and all attention feeds her. Deep inside she is unlikely to be able to differentiate between good and bad attention.

 

She contacted you and you gave her attention .... she DID get what she needed.

 

She is likely to have, for example, told herself that you only told her about dating people to hurt her ... becasuse .. wait for it .... you care.

 

In fact, whatever you say will be translated into caring because .... you are saying something!

 

The only true way not to escalate, prolong, encourage this drama is to stop involving yourself in it.

 

If not then you are agreeing to it.

 

Hope this makes some sense ...

 

Am not being critical, just trying to make you consider the possibility that she is still getting exactly what she needs from you....

 

best wishes

Chris

:-)

[silverplanets]

East my friend........I hope you take the measures soon to block her from calling you so you won't be riding the roller coaster anymore. She wanted validation from you and even though it didn't go exactly like she wanted it, (you dating) she still gets it because she can still reach out and talk with you.

 

Hugs my friend........

 

 

Good and insightful post jlola.

 

I agree 100% BB, she still gets that validation/attention.

 

Former BS here. Well now you *know* the real™ her. Not the FAKE her that you are infatuated with. The real™ her cheats, lies to her husband that she is "back on his side" and then begins to call you again to make future vacation "let's get it on" plans. (While she gets pissed that you dare date other people...)

 

She will only end up doing this to you East7 if you end up hooking up with her full-time. I promise you that. Live it, learn it, it's the modus operandi of a cheater. (It's so sad her husband is being thrown under a bus yet again.. without his knowledge.)

 

Yellow, I'm not sure about this. It sounds more to be like she actually probably needs help. Problem is likely to be that she has surrounded herself with people, including her h, who worship her (literally).

 

She sounds like she has a deep, fundamental need (stemming from a deep fundamental insecurity) for external validation .... and everyone involved in the drama is just a player in that driving need.

 

She might not even be aware of it.

 

East, I'm going to call it like I see it.

 

You know there's no anger or insult intended, my friend.

 

You're not in NC. You haven't been.

 

You're in LC, at best.

 

Because you continue to ACCEPT her intermittent contact...she knows she's still got you on a hook. You and her both get a periodic "fix" out of all of this.

 

You CANNOT treat her like a rational adult. You CANNOT expect that she's going to change, or that she's going to end contact until she's "free" to be with you.

 

She's shown you that you CANNOT expect this of her.

 

You can only accept that you're not in NC...or you can actually ENFORCE NC.

 

It's up to you, my friend.

 

I absolutely agree with this.

 

Great post Owl and the bolded are excellent points.

 

I agree East that every single time you accept the contact reinforces in her mind that you still care. This is why she continues to contact.

 

NC is not an easy thing to do, but I think necessary to heal and start to forget.

 

Again, fully agree. Each and every contact is reinforcing your willingness to be her source of supply/attention.

 

 

East ....

 

What I'm trying to say is that what she does is irrelevant. The only thing that is relevant is what you choose to do. Do you choose to participate in the drama or do you not.

 

The answer to that, and why, is inside you, and you alone.

 

It's all about you .....

 

as I said before, why IS this is working for you .....

 

What need inside you is this filling/covering over???

 

be safe

Chris

:-)

Edited April 11, 2011 by silverplanets

[East7]

Thanks to everyone for the support and advices.

 

I have been in travel for a couple of days and too busy to talk about MW

 

For the moment I am in NC, everyone here made some very good points, and no one is harsh, I don't take any offense whatsoever.

 

I haven't been thinking a lot about MW, she sounds so much history right now. I even hate her in some moments when I think she didn't let me go when we decided to end the A. Each time she wanted to reach out of me she could, she had her ways of making my feelings grow fond telling me how much she loved me, how miserable she was away from me, how we are special, how she loves me unconditionally and that i should not wait for her....Bullsh*t !!!!!!!! All these words while living, sleeping, and sharing her days with her H that she doesn't respect either.

Hell...she kept me in the roller-coaster for over 6 months even AFTER the A was over.

She needed to fix or stabilize her feelings like someone wrote here. It was all about her, each time she would have the weakness of missing or nostalgia of her lover she would come back to have her fix.

 

Sometimes I feel sad about all this, sometimes I hate her;

 

Anyway, thanks to everyone who has posted. I really appreciate.