I Am Ruining My Life Out Of Fear... I Am Afraid To Be Loved

[cu_tigerlily]

I really don't know how to explain this without going through my WHOLE life but I am going to try to give the basics...

 

 

1. I have a 10 year old daughter that I can't feel close to... I don't feel the love I believe I should have as a mom, I can barely hug and kiss her.. Now I do love her, in my mind, but actually showing it is uncormfortable for me. I want to be more loving but it feels weird.

 

2. I have a generally bad attitude. I am smug most of the time. I never really feel happy. I may smile and whatnot but an actual sense of happiness is never there for long. Thoughts of losing the "good times" usually overtake me and hinder me from enjoying them.

 

3. I make my boyfriend miserable. I am miserable. I will hold onto every little thing he does and be angry for days, weeks. When I am angry NOBODY can be happy. I can be such a bitch.

 

4. When I get really angry I loose control of myself and can make really bad decisions. I break things, throw things, yell, cuss, say horrible things, cry, sometimes hurt myself. I throw tantrums.

 

5. When I sit down and really think about the things I threw fits about I usually realize that I overacted and regret everything, but I felt so justified when doig it. I know that I could walk away, but that isn't really an option for me... I feel that if I walk away that the person doesn't really care about how I feel so it will either be forgotten or ignored. That the person won't come back later to discuss it. So I force them to discuss it now.

 

6. I feel like nobody really loves me. I feel like even at work I am a loser. I really hate myself. I see myself as fat & ugly and unlovable. I have bulimia and I often see myself distorted in the mirror. I recently gained some weight and realized how skinny I was, but I had thought I was fat, huge, then too. When I get really frustrated or stressed throwing up makes me feel calmer. I can eat just a craker and if I am stressed I will feel horrible until I vomit, then it is like all my stress flows out.

 

7. I have friends but I get upset that it always seems like I have to initiate contact. I can go weeks, months with no phone calls. Then I call a friend and we talk for a while about their life, a little of mine, then we hang up and I won't hear from them uintil I call them... It seems like they are really my friend and interested when I call them but why do they not take time to call me.

 

8. I have no realtionship with my mother, she has not liked me since I was little, I spent a long time trying to "MAKE" her love me, be prod of me, but she couldn't and it ruined me everytime, so I had to remove myself from the situation... I haven't seen her since July 2003 and we live 5 miles from each other... She basically doesn't love me and I can't torture myself trying to make her... Although it hurts sometimes when I think about it, it doesn't hurt like it did when I went through it every day and never could get through to her... I have a younger brother who is her "golden child" he can do no wrong in her eyes... I don't blame him for knowing how to work her. He has even told my boyfriend he is afraid to contact me because of what my mom will say if she found out he was talking to me... She also alienated us from our aunt, her sister, the same way. She hasn't talked to her in over 10 years and if we tried to contact her we would go through hell, so this isn't just me.

 

9. I am deathly afraid of abandonment. My mom got rid of me when I was 10, she sent me to group homes until my dad took me in when I was 13 and then he died shortly after I turned 17. I am afraid everyone will eventually leave me.

 

10. After my dad died I was pregnant and really had noone. I had my daughtewr and then ended up working as an escort to pay bills... While I was doing it I didn't seem to really be affected by the work.. But now I think all men are cheaters... In that line of work I dealt a lot with supposedly "happily" married men that wanted fun while they were on business trips or their wives were out of town. Now when I am in a relationship i constantly think I will be cheated on. I think that everything is a way for them to cheat. I have basically secluded my boyfriend. He basically tries to keep me from thinking he is cheating by doing absolutely nothing without me... but even so, when he is at work I think he will cheat... I fuss and fight about it all the time but I don't know what I would do if he actually did, I would probabl stay.. so I feel powerless to prevent it and worthless because I feel like he couldn't love me enough not to... so I am torturing us both

 

I know I have some serious issues to resolve in order to get myself out of this "unhappiness" rut, but I don't really know where to start. I feel justified because of my past and remembering my past makes me sad & bitter but I am afraid to forget it and allow it to happen again. I am ruining my life....

 

How do I let go and become happy.... how can I trust when there is so much surrounding me that says I shouldn't... I don't want to mess this relationship up

 

I don't want my daughter to hate me and think I don't love her. I want to like hugs and kisses.

 

I want to enjoy being loved by her & my boyfriend.

[tattoomytoe]

well at least you know what some of the problems are...the best thing would be to talk with your doc. they can give you a refeeral to some one who can help you.

[moimeme]

I have no realtionship with my mother, she has not liked me since I was little, I spent a long time trying to "MAKE" her love me, be prod of me, but she couldn't and it ruined me everytime, so I had to remove myself from the situation

 

My mom got rid of me when I was 10, she sent me to group homes until my dad took me in when I was 13 and then he died shortly after I turned 17

 

These things can wreak havoc on a person. It sounds cliché, but really, you need professional counselling. These sorts of things can't be overcome with one forum post, or reading a book, or checking out a website. Professional counsellors are trained to help people deal with the issues that they acquire because of difficult life experiences.

 

Nobody should go through life feeling as miserable as you do. Be good to yourself and find a good counsellor.