New female friend

[spiderowl]

I don't tend to hang out much with women due to bad experiences of being bullied by women in the past. I am a female and I have more male friends than female ones now. I'm pleasant enough to other women, just don't encourage friendship particularly and don't pursue it. If we end up chatting while I'm out that's OK, but I wouldn't start inviting them round to visit me (mind you, I don't invite male friends round to visit very often).

 

Recently, this woman I met seems to want to be friends. I was a bit surprised at first and then thought why not? It would be nice to have a friend to go out with and chat to. But she seems a bit eccentric, not too bad but we don't have much in common to talk about except relationships. That's OK, though she does tend to do 90% of the talking and I fall into listening rather more than I want to.

 

The other thing is that if we are out somewhere or meet in the bar where I tend to go anyway to see my male friends, she seems to be subtly excluding these friends. I assume she'd like to sit with us and chat, as I usually do with them, but it doesn't seem to be working out as normal. She has an offputting manner with my friends, half turns her back on them while talking to me and she looks uncomfortable and very serious when they appear. If I talk to them and not just solely to her, I find her looking at me all the time as if trying to catch my eye. She doesn't tend to look at them much, almost avoids acknowledging them. I'm feeling irritated by this as if she's trying to cut me off from people I'd normally talk to and make me focus my attention on her. I'm happy to include her as part of the group but she just looks uncomfortable and her body language is definitely offputting to my friends. I've found that instead of sitting with me and chatting, they are tending to sit for a few minutes and then wander off to talk to other friends and then don't come back for ages. In that kind of environment, they would normally talk to others for a while at some point during the evening, but it's happening more now to the point where I hardly get to talk to my male friends because they've opted out.

 

Am I being reasonable here? I'm not sure what is going on. I feel her body language is putting them off and I feel she doesn't want them there. Is it wrong for me to want to include them? Am I not being a good friend here? I'm tempted to ask my male friends what they think of her, to see if my perception of what's going on is correct but it doesn't seem very ethical somehow. I'm not just not sure what to do. She seems to want to be my friend, but I'm feeling awkward and it's turning into a situation where I'm glad if she doesn't turn up on those evenings. Perhaps I'm just being horribly selfish here. What do you think?

Edited April 9, 2011 by spiderowl

[green_tea]

It sounds to me like she might be shy. She might feel anxious or uncomfortable around your other friends, not knowing what to say or how to act. If I was you, I'd talk to her about it, ask her what she thinks of your friends etc. She might open up about what is causing her to act that way.

[spiderowl]

Thanks for your reply. I did wonder about the shy thing but this does seem to be focused on me. She seemed unhappy at a gathering recently and mentioned we had little time to talk. I'm not sure I want lots of time to talk to her as we have little in common. She wants to talk about things like health and stuff and it doesn't seem appropriate in a setting where lots of people I know are coming and going. I also don't understand why she can't join in with the group discussion and talk to some of the other very nice people I mix with - she could make some new friends. Why does she need this individual attention from me?

[emardesign]

thanks for this article..and after i read this article i realized that we shouldn't do this again...

 

 

Spats Shoes

[Rose T]

Thanks for your reply. I did wonder about the shy thing but this does seem to be focused on me. She seemed unhappy at a gathering recently and mentioned we had little time to talk. I'm not sure I want lots of time to talk to her as we have little in common. Why does she need this individual attention from me?

 

 

Hi Spiderowl! From your original post you mention don't have lots of female friends, so please forgive me if anything I say seems at all obvious... I've recently been in a phase in which I've been trying to build up my friendship groups and make new friends, male and female, and I've noticed that one or two female friends just prefer it when we hang out alone rather than in a group. I know you say that you're not particularly bothered about having female friends, but they really can enrich your life, obviously if they're the right ones, lol! It all comes down to the fact I suppose of whether you want to cultivate this friendship or not. If you do, it might be worth dedicating her alone time, maybe lunch every couple of weeks or the odd drink out. Not all friends stay the course and become old friends but it can be enriching to spend time with different kinds of people - I guess you'll just have to judge whether you think this person is worth a bit of individual attention and if so, you might have to make an effort to see her occasionally alone if her dynamic doesn't fit in with your larger group.

[freestyle]

The percentages you mentioned raise my eyebrow.....

 

"she does tend to do 90% of the talking and I fall into listening rather more than I want to...."

 

That doesn't sound like a balanced friendship to me.

 

As soon as I read that, I though, "energy sucker".

 

In other words, it's "all about her".

 

You're supposed to be her sounding board at her beck and call........and she expects you to give her your full attention, even when there are other friends around.The aloofness she shows to your other friends leads me to see it like that.

 

Please be careful not to alienate your other friends (old established friends)

If things go south with your new friendship, you might find yourself all alone, holding the bag.

 

I had a female friend like that a few years ago---same thing--we only talked about relationships. I tried to bring her out to have fun with me, and introduce her to my circle of friends, and she showed no interest in interacting with my other friends---she kept her head down, immersed in a video game on her phone for most of the evening.

 

I've since learned that friendships only based on mutual commiseration don't have much foundation for the long haul. It's quite possible that if your friend gets into a good romantic relationship, that she'll treat you like you were disposable. Or you'll only hear from her when she needs a sounding board.

 

Just pay attention to the balance of give and take---I'd hate for you to get hurt.

[spiderowl]

Thanks for your thoughts on this. I'm glad it's not just me.

 

Just to put the record straight, we don't only talk about relationships but it does tend to be subjects she's interested in rather than ones I am. We do have different interests and I find her main interest boring. I don't mind being a listener up to a point; after all, that's what friends do. What bothers me is that I feel guilty if I'm not giving her all my attention when we are in a group of friends. She shows little interest in interacting with my friends and I'm almost feeling the 'go away' vibes they are getting. It just seems odd to me. I feel as though she wants something from me and I don't know what. I just sense that I'm disappointing her.

 

She has tried to be a friend in other ways, asking me how I am and things, but I get the feeling that she's not really empathising but being polite. It's awkward. I will spend some individual time with her and see if this helps. If things carry on being awkward, I don't know what I'll do

 

Would it be unethical to sound out my other friends about how they are perceiving her?

[NoMagicBullet]

I think your idea to just spend individual time with her is a good idea. At the very least, it may give you more of an idea of what she wants from you.

 

As for the ethics question.... Normally I'd say it's not a good idea, but the thing is, they aren't her friends -- you tried to include her and expand her friendship circle with your own, but she didn't want that. It's not as if they are mutual friends you are asking; they remain your friends and your friends only. In this situation, I think it's still ethically ok to ask your friends for their opinions so you can better understand the situation.

[spiderowl]

Thanks, that's true. I do wonder what my other friends are thinking. All I know is they beetle off after a short time when she is there with us. I feel she is freezing them out. I don't want an either/or situation so I think I need to find out what they think is happening.

[NoMagicBullet]

It's not fun having friends that you can't have all in the same place at the same time, but it's happened to me so often (I collect all sorts of people as friends), I kind of take for granted that it's unusual for many people. However, it does sound like something you'd have to do -- keep them separate -- if you do continue a friendship with her.

 

Give us an update here on LS if you can -- these examples help the rest of us when we run into people/situations like these. (I haven't posted a question yet on LS myself, just because I find most of my questions are answered by reading others' threads.)

[SpiralOut]

I am not sure that she is just shy. I myself am a shy person but I still make effort to talk to new people when introduced to them. Maybe she sees you as "her" friend in her mind and she resents other people taking your attention away from her. You also say that she doesn't show much interest in what you want to talk about. I am wondering if she has any other friends besides you?? Because for whatever reason, she clearly needs/wants attention to be fixed on her.

 

The fact that she mostly just wants to talk about relationships is a red flag to me. I once had a friend like that. Like you, I mostly just listened to her. It felt more like a therapist/patient type of relationship than a friendship. But if you feel you are getting something out of this friendship, you can still talk to her over coffee or lunch just the two of you, and stop inviting her to group events.

[spiderowl]

You know, a lot of my relationships seem to involve me doing most of the listening while they talk and then barely listen or hear what I'm saying. I do get fed up with it and wonder why it seems so one-sided. I have opted out of several 'romantic' relationships recently because I realised they just wanted to talk and hold forth not listen. I feel quite disillusioned to tell the truth.

[freestyle]

You know, a lot of my relationships seem to involve me doing most of the listening while they talk and then barely listen or hear what I'm saying. I do get fed up with it and wonder why it seems so one-sided. I have opted out of several 'romantic' relationships recently because I realised they just wanted to talk and hold forth not listen. I feel quite disillusioned to tell the truth.

 

 

It's good that you're recognizing the imbalance---now you can start to fix it---even if it means having to make new friends.

 

 

I was in the same place as you many years ago---I started to see an imbalance with one of my female friends.

 

So, I decided to test my theory. The phone rang. I looked at the clock.

 

She went 38 minutes without me saying a word.At best, I got a "uh-huh", in there a few times.

 

I also noticed that she would ask me how I was---I could get a few sentences out, and she would immediately steer the conversation back to being about her again.

 

("Enough about me, I guess!!!")

 

I can see occasionally yielding the microphone to a friend in a crisis, for a long stretch, but with this friend---every day was a crisis---I called it The Drama DuJour-- Basically, I got a only a few sentences in every conversation.

 

It got old.I decided that I preferred dialogue to monologue.

 

 

So, my advice to you, is to pay attention to the dynamics of your friendships--if it's always you doing all the giving & they're not there for you when you need an ear--It's time to put them on the back burner.

[spiderowl]

"I also noticed that she would ask me how I was---I could get a few sentences out, and she would immediately steer the conversation back to being about her again."

 

Wow, freestyle, this really hit home! This is just how things seem to be at the moment with several of my friends and has been the case in past couple of romantic relationships. I've been 'chatting' with a guy recently and although he asks about me, he does most of the chatting. With the previous one, it was just like your quote above - asks me about something, I get about two sentences in and then it's "yes, well, ......" on to himself - and then he wonders why I didn't want to "let him in" on my emotional life and "talk" about my problems with him! I just ended up not calling and feeling irritated by calls, not exactly what one is looking for in a romance.

 

I do know I have to find a better balance ... or not bother at all? I've become more reclusive recently, as I'm so fed up of the lack of true dialogue. I do think guys have a particular tendency to be like that but in this particular case it's a woman. Perhaps people are no longer learning how to interact?

[freestyle]

"I also noticed that she would ask me how I was---I could get a few sentences out, and she would immediately steer the conversation back to being about her again."

 

Wow, freestyle, this really hit home! This is just how things seem to be at the moment with several of my friends and has been the case in past couple of romantic relationships. I've been 'chatting' with a guy recently and although he asks about me, he does most of the chatting. With the previous one, it was just like your quote above - asks me about something, I get about two sentences in and then it's "yes, well, ......" on to himself - and then he wonders why I didn't want to "let him in" on my emotional life and "talk" about my problems with him! I just ended up not calling and feeling irritated by calls, not exactly what one is looking for in a romance.

 

I do know I have to find a better balance ... or not bother at all? I've become more reclusive recently, as I'm so fed up of the lack of true dialogue. I do think guys have a particular tendency to be like that but in this particular case it's a woman. Perhaps people are no longer learning how to interact?

 

 

 

 

I'm toying with that same theory myself---the art of conversation seems to be becoming a lost art.

 

I suspect Facebook, and other social networking sites are contributing to this---if you think about it:

 

1.It seems to be replacing actual face to face interaction with friends

 

 

2.People can get so caught up in trying to stay networked with multiple friends on FB, that they spread themselves too thin----it seems like quantity is being valued more than quality. People can't find time to hang out, but they can spend a few hours on FB daily.......

 

3. I do believe that FB encourages narcissistic mind sets---"look at me, look at me!" And narcissism is all about being self-absorbed, and self-centered. Hardly conducive to two-way communication.........

 

 

I'm not putting all of the blame on social networking--but I do believe it's a factor. I wish people would stop and put everything on the scales--

 

what's more important, having 75 friends on FB, or a handful of close trusted friends that you actually see and interact with, in person on a fairly regular basis?How many of those FB friends can you call at 3 a.m. , if you're broke down on the side of the road?

 

For those who can successfully juggle everything--great.But my observation over the last few years has been that most people can't juggle that well, and they allow their close friendships to be neglected....It's happened to me, and it's happened to other people I know as well.

 

To me, a friendship is like a house plant--it needs a certain amount of regular care& feeding to thrive.If it goes too long without water, or food--it starts to wither. It becomes unhealthy.I don't expect to talk to friends daily anymore at my age, but there needs to be reciprocal attention & commitment to the relationship.It can't be one-sided.

 

 

I'm still figuring out how to tactfully deal with the monologue situation when communicating with friends. Even my SO has done it on occasion (usually when he's had a few) so I ribbed him, "Hey, Monologue Man, can I get a word in here somewhere??...."

 

And that actually worked---I said it playfully, instead of angrily, and I got his attention, without turning it into a drama. Sometimes people just need to have it pointed out to them---and they're more likely to be receptive to what you're saying, if you present it gently........

 

That approach doesn't work with everyone, unfortunately.I've finally concluded that I shouldn't waste my time on one-sided dynamics with friends--so sadly, I've had to cut a few loose. Others, I just changed my expectations of the friendship--I don't mind hearing from them from time to time, but I will not be a sounding board for their problems if they can't return the courtesy.