Wife 'needs time', refuses to move abroad, yet plans a long trip overseas

[mrpablo]

Dear all,

 

I have a very complicated situation in my hands right now, and any help will be appreciated.

 

I have been married to my wife for the last 5 1/2 years. She was practically my only serious girlfriend since college and we married when I was 28 and she was 23. We then moved from Latin America to the U.S. (legally) so I could attend grad school - she had just graduated from college, had no job, and I had been her only long-term boyfriend. She is a writer (in Spanish) back home and had just published her first poetry book when she came. This matters dearly to her.

 

These 5 years have had their ups and downs. Our sex life was never terrific, but satisfactory to both. However, we have always had lots of things in common and managed to spend as much time together as possible. Sometimes the Ph.D. would get tougher, and I would need to spend more time working, which invariably led to troubles. In any case, this would still be balanced out by terrific moments together, lots of laugh and plans for the future (buy a home, have kids, stay in the U.S. working and bring our families here, etc.)

 

About 4 years ago, I noticed several changes in her attitude towards me (she was distant, she'd fight over minor things, she'd say she needed to do 'something with her life'). After this bout of sadness, I became suspicious and noticed she had ongoing/daily conversations with another writer elsewhere in the U.S. through Skype, etc. Apparently she'd showed herself by camera or talk erotic things over the phone. They had even scheduled a meeting in our city. I was devastated. I asked her to give up the 'relationship' but she insisted several times this was a friend, and I had to understand how artists speak to each other. I press her and, thanks goodness, family came to visit that Summer and I moved for work to another city for a couple of months. I then implemented the '180' suggested elsewhere in the board, and she changed her attitude entirely. We spent the next year or so in great terms while she finished grad school as well.

 

In 2008 we moved to another city because my Ph.D. scholarship finished and I needed to find a job to make ends meet. She reluctantly agreed to move (arguing that she was 'following me', though she never moved a single finger to find a job, other sources of income, etc., because 'I had been the one who brought her to the U.S. and it was my problem to worry about these issues')

 

Sorry for the long introduction. Here comes the critical part.

 

In the new city she found a job, and after whining about the job for a year, started getting into it and drifting apart. In the meantime I graduated, but our visas force us to leave the U.S. for a few years prior to take permanent residence in the U.S. I began looking for jobs abroad while working full time and, one day, the anxiety of not finding a permanent job and being forced back to my country (where the socio-economic and political conditions have dramatically deteriorated in the past 6 years) took its toll: I had an attack considered a first episode of likely Multiple Sclerosis. I was now in the situation of needing to keep making money to save for a risky future + affording my medication (so far it's benign and I can work without problems). I also began looking for a job in other locations - Canada, Australia, Europe, etc. - that could allow us to still have a nice standard of living and good opportunities (while still making money doing what we do), including the opportunity for her to go to school again and do her Ph.D.

 

By the time this happened, my wife was already planning a 3-month trip abroad to a writers' residence. I didn't object, and she didn't change plans after the diagnosis. I understood, but I feared she wouldn't join me to fully understand my situation and cope with this issue. At around that time I found a really good job... but it's far away, in Australia. We were trying to have children, and additionally found out I have fertility issues (nothing terrible, but low counts). So it's 3 simultaneous dramatic developments. Plans just didn't work out as expected.

 

My wife hesitantly approved of moving to Australia, but ever since she became more and more distant. We'd fight more frequently, but were still in good terms by January. However, in the past 2 months, she began developing a much angrier attitude - as if she just gives a damn, literally, about our relationship. She wouldn't want to hear anything about the impending move. She'd even stop listening to me while talking - as if she is tired of chatting, etc. In fact, she wouldn't ask me how I feel of my symptoms. She just had this quick trip for work and came back even more distant. She now tells me she is not moving, that she needs time, that she will use her savings to spend 'time on her own' and see opportunities. That she had always 'followed me' and now she deserves a time for herself. That she needs that time alone to make sense of the 'different directions' we have taken up in our lives.

 

I got really suspicious about all of this. Although she'd never liked the idea of moving to Australia, her attitude, disaffection, and complete lack of interest in us as a couple struck me as a new development. It's like she is a complete different person. I checked her phone and computer, and found dozens of calls from Spain over the last two months. There is a woman there (an artist, too) whose daily 45-minute chats with my wife match her change of attitude. I even got into her computer and noticed she tells her to undress, role play, tells her she loves her, etc.

 

Needless to say, I'm devastated again and don't know what to do. I leave the country in two months and now she is saying she wouldn't come with me. No time for marriage counseling, then. I feel this is the end of the road and I just can't freaking believe it. I confronted her, and I've struggled to show strength, but just a few hours ago I told her that even if both of us had been selfish, this is just too much and I don't think I can take it. I even told her I could try to find a job elsewhere, and she tells me the Oz job is a good one and I should take it.

 

What would you do? Any thoughts? I know it's a long story, but I really needed to vent. Pablo is not my name.

Edited April 9, 2011 by mrpablo

[LucreziaBorgia]

She is staying married to you until she finds someone else to latch on to. I would be seriously considering finding a good divorce lawyer at this point.