The experience of being raped

[DerangedAngel]

I wanted to post as a guest, as this is an uncomfortable topic, but I thought that maybe it would be easier getting responses this way, somehow. From those of you that know a little about me.

 

Getting right to the point:

 

Almost two years ago I made some dumb choices about leaving home with someone I didn't know very well, the end result being placing myself in situations I would have given everything short of my life to have avoided.

 

I was raped. That's over simplifying, but hard to spit out nonetheless. Three men forcefully used me for pleasure... anal sex, and oral. It was just like something you would see in a movie. It was absolutely awful for me. I still have the clothes I was wearing, for crying out loud. In the bottom of my closet, blood on my jeans, from just their force, and blood from my scratching.

 

They left me in a hotel room, scared to death, in pain. I called nearby family to pick me up, after I had changed and showered. They were worried to death about me, but I told them nothing had happened. I had just changed my mind about leaving home, not enough money, etc.

 

I never went through with any kind of counseling. I was so embarrassed for even going with "Marty" in the first place. I thought I was fine, really. And I didn't need anyone's help. What could they do anyway? I didn't want to press charges, was always sure of that, and I thought I would somehow be forced into doing that if I talked to anyone.

 

I put it out of my mind, and was quite successful, until I met this guy that I dated that was into D/s behavior, role-playing. Every time he would call me his "whore"... or his "bitch" and tell me what to do, I would cringe. But I guess I even got used to that, it became just an everyday part of our sex life. I'm not blaming this on him at all, but he did know about what happened. I don't think he realized how much it affected me. I'm making him sound so bad... he's not.

 

The only two people I have told about this, seem to think it's not such a big deal. Really. As soon as it was mentioned, it was just forgotten. I tried to do the same, but... well. I just don't respond the way I should to love anymore, and it's becoming a problem. I don't know how to react when people treat me well. Is that insane? And sexually, I'm so submissive, I don't know what it is that I even want from a partner. I just don't care about that anymore. I want to please someone else.

 

The reason I'm bringing this up now is I've been thinking I need to go to counseling, even though it's been a couple of years since the incident. Incident? Is it normal, in these cases, for it to hit you so hard so long after it's happened? Should I talk to someone? Post here?

 

I've been really stressed out with other things in my life lately, maybe that's what's bringing it to the surface again. I really thought I was ok.

 

-Deranged

[moimeme]

I really thought I was ok.

 

I did a bunch of reading about PTSD (Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder). I was amazed to find that things I thought might not classify as 'trauma' per se can be considered so (for instance the sudden death of someone close). I also found out that trauma can bury itself so you think you're fine but can emerge and work on you without your really knowing.

 

That you have noticed that you're changed is a good sign that you may well need to deal with the effects. People who have been abused in childhood can benefit from counselling at any age. You may not actually have PTSD, but still something awful like that can leave lasting bad effects. It's worth exploring, at least, with a competent practitioner.

 

BTW, that you kept the clothes may well mean there is some DNA someplace which could be used to convict the bastards, if you want to go that route.

[quankanne]

oh, child, my heart goes out to you for carrying this around for so long. But as bad as it is having those memories surface again, maybe taking the step of going to a counselor and finding the tools to help you heal is the positive part of it. And I do agree with your thoughts to seek counseling, because it's never too late to want to heal yourself.

 

first thing, though: it sounds like you're shouldering the blame for what happened. DON'T. any advances that are not actually invited are inflicted -- just because you accepted a ride from someone doesn't give them carte blanche approval to abuse you. because that's what those guys did: abuse you badly.

 

counseling will be painful because you will have to confront your feelings and resolve what has happened -- even if that means going after your perpetrators legally so that you can put it behind you once and for all. But counselling will also give you a chance to learn to not blame yourself and to let yourself trust enough so that you can love someone as freely as you want.

 

don't let jackasses like the ones who hurt you continue to control you -- especially if you're at a point where you feel counselling is beneficial. ask around your local women's shelter or women's advocacy center to find the best possible counsellor who can help you heal the way you hope to heal, and go from there.

 

in the meantime, you're in my prayers kiddo -- you've got a community of support here anytime you need us, okay?

 

jo anne

[HokeyReligions]

I want to respond to you, but I'm a bit overwhelmed and awed by your post. I want to reach thru the PC and hug you like I used to hug my daughter.

 

Yes, counseling. 20 or 30 or more years after such a traumatic experience you can have repurcussions.

 

Every step of the counseling process is separate and you do not have to do anything that you don't want to do. You don't have to name anyone, you don't have to prosecute, if someone tries to talk you into it you can tell them to stop and you can walk away.

 

You went through, and are going through, a crisis and it is certainly not too late to call your nearest rape crisis center or hotline and get more information and help from them.

 

The only analogy I can think of is, my husband was severely abused as a child. Just because he is in his 50's now, and conducts his life as though nothing had happened, does not remove the emotional scars. The scars are still there and sometimes they still bleed. By telling someone to get over it, or to ignore it does not lessen the evil that was done to you.

 

You accepted a ride with someone, an error in judgement does NOT excuse or diminish what was done to you. It was in no way, shape, or form your fault. The decisions we each make lead us to things, good and bad, for which we have no foreknowledge. You did nothing to contribute to what happened to you. Please, do get counseling.

 

****HUG****

[Darkangelism]

Wow you have been through a lot. That really sucks, i hope they get what they deserve. Oh man, i got very mad from reading ur post, it is disgusting what they did to you. You are very brave for not posting as a guest, more brave then i have been, ill PM you about that.

[Girlie]

You are not alone. I was sexually abused at about 4 or 5 years old (I blocked it out so much, I can't remember the exact age now), and then "date raped", so to speak, when I was in my early twenties. I really thought I was perfectly fine and unaffected by either ordeal. Quite frankly, it wasn't until someone else pointed out some behaviors of mine that were problematic that I realized that I had some real issues to deal with that I had shut out. I think I just wanted to be able to move on and forget about it, especially since the molestation occured at the hands of someone that I do truly care about and did not want to be angry with. I certainly did not want to deal with the pain. So I guess I sort of pretended there was none or that I was "over it" without really dealing with it.

The good thing is that you're starting to realize that maybe you're not completely ok. I know it probably doesn't feel like such a good thing, but it is. Because now you can start looking into the problem and truly start to recover.

[Arabess]

((((((Angel)))))) I'm so sorry!

 

When I was in my late teens, I went thru a bad date experience. I never told anyone because I thought it was my fault for disobeying my parents. It no longer bothers me now, but I DO think it affected some of the more serious decisions I made as a young adult. I got married to someone I wasn't in love, I never followed my personal goals to fruition, I had problems sleeping due to being afraid I would dream....just memories nagged me for about 10 years later.

 

SO....as a MOM.....I ask you to go talk to someone. Keeping it bottled up feeds the guilt that you can carry...even if subconscious. Getting if off of your chest will help cleanse it out of your heart. It's something you can get over on your own....but why spend years carrying the load by yourself.

 

You have everything going for you....don't let this one thing be a stumbling block.

 

You know me...I will PM you daily until you take care of this. Love....your Shacker Mom!!!!

[Fedup&givingup]

Deranged,

 

The fact that you tried to handle this ugly event on your own is more common and more of a typical reaction than you think. I was date raped (some guy put something in my drink, and I woke up the next morning in his bed naked.) It took me THREE years to even realize that it was a rape.

 

I can imagine the great deal of suffering you have had because of this. Counselling? A must. I think this has effected your sexuality (and your role in it).

 

I REALLY feel for you, and I admire you for posting this yourself, not anonymously.

 

There are rape crisis centers ALL over the place. I think you do need to talk to somoene about this, because they will be able to help you come to terms with yourself about it. You feeling like you don't know what you want, sexually, and you aim to please your partner is indicative of the trauma you experienced.

[meanon]

Deranged - My heart sank as I read your post . You have tremendous courage.

 

Is it normal, in these cases, for it to hit you so hard so long after it's happened?

 

Yes, absolutely normal. It's eroded your ability to cope, so if things are going well then you can manage but if you are under stress as you have been then it's more difficult. The fact that no-one has really acknowledged how terrible it was won't have helped either. You are reacting normally.

 

Should I talk to someone?

 

Yes - a therapist, a friend, LS threads/buddies - all 3 if you like. Talking helps.

 

Take care

[faux]

As Moimeme said, Post Traumatic Stress Disorder is a very dangerous thing. I highly recommend getting professional therapy to help you find ease with this. One of my exes was repeatedly abused by her mother's fiance, and never brought it up with her therapist.

 

She ended up having a break down, getting into drinking and heavy promiscuity, and landed herself into a few mental hospitals. To put it bluntly, her life is completely f*ed because of this, and I wouldn't want to see, or imagine this happening, to anyone else.

 

It was nowhere near as extreme as your account, but I was "date raped" by another man during a rather delicate point in my life. He was more of a friend, but took advantage of me nonetheless. I had to deal with this in therapy in the past, as I was not sure if I could be attracted to other men in that way, or if I was just used.

 

It turns out that I at times do become interested in other men, but not enough to pursue a relationship. This guy just ended up taking it farther than I would have liked at the time. To this day I still have some trouble getting comfortable intimately with people, because I want to be as certain as possible that they will not hurt me.

[Thinkalot]

Just read this post! My heart reaches out to you. I'm really sorry you had to go through that, and I applaud your courage in posting here and taking steps to do something about it. I'm sure counselling will help you out.

My best thoughts go to you...

[jenny]

o, angel, i just read this as well...just love and hugs and support. it is a huge friggin' deal, and i am glad you are strong and clear and dealing with it...that takes such strength and character. let me know if there is naything i can do?

[average guy]

I hope I don't sound like I'm trying to steal the spotlight from you, Angel (you are NOT a Deranged Angel because I let something slip in a post the other day that I've never told anyone outside my therapists about. I had been abused as a young 4-5 year-old boy by the the nieghbor. I gave it little siginicance as it only happend 2-3 times, and it happened before I even knew what sex was about, and I don't really even remember seeing him naked (he was behin me obviously).

 

Anyway, I have a lot of other problems (abusive alholic father, running away from home at 16, a lot of anger/hatred, etc.) to deal with and it's odd, but none of my therapsts have really attached too much importance to it either (I think I was worried that it meant I was gay and when they confirmed that it didn't I really wasn't that worried about it either). But now, somehow, I'm realising how "soiled" or "dirty" and "unwanted" or "unacceptable" it makes me feel, like I have a deep dark secret that people will find out about and not like me anymore, or think I am damaged or "deranged".

 

I have had an incredible epiphany that it is not my fault, and I am in control of my body now. I hate to say this as it maye be too graphic for seom people, but I leterraly feel as if something ugly, black, deathlike, horrible has been pulled out of me. I'm not angry anymore (even though I missed many years of seual intamacy with anyone out of a basic fear of being naked and being touched) becuase I understand that it is not my fault and I don't really blame him ( the one time I asked my mother if she remember 'the boy next door' she said 'yes, poor boy, I think his father was abusing him'. I didn't tell her what happened.)

 

Anyway, I am saying all this because here I am 35 years later just figuring out what a profound influnce on my life this event that I thought was 'manageable" and forgetable has had in my basic underlying behaviour, thought patternes (even though I don't think about "it" - I always felt "used" second-hand, rejected, "spat-on" unikab;e" etc. while I saw happy kids smiling and playing like they were in a different world).

 

So my best advice to you at your young age is to face it head on, see a couslour, set therapy, and deal with it before you look back and realise how much effect it really might have had on you.

 

Needless to say, I am truly sorry anything like this had to happen to you or any of the other people that posted. It's brought tears to my eyes tyoing all of this and I just wish there was someplace shomehow where everyone could live in freedom and peace of not being attacked or humilated in any way.

 

Best of luck and wishes

 

A.G.

[Bill]

So often rape goes unreported. You have your reasons, and others have theirs. Would you feel any better with revenge in any sense?

[UCFKevin]

I just don't respond the way I should to love anymore, and it's becoming a problem. I don't know how to react when people treat me well. Is that insane?

 

It's not insane at all. Given what happened, it makes perfect sense. Sadly, I can't really think of a way to counteract that, other than to maybe see someone professionally and talk to them, talk thru it, come to terms with it.

 

I think you're incredibly brave for telling us all here what happened, and I can only express my disgust for the male species for doing things like this.

 

But the thing I applaud you on is that this hasn't ruined you, you seem to be doing very well, and you have, at least, somewhat moved passed it, but maybe in a way that you shouldn't have, (ignoring it, not thinking about it) but regardless, you could be in a lot worse shape mentally, but you aren't. That impresses me so damn much.

[average guy]

Hi Angel,

 

I was thinking last night of something else you mentioned that your boyfriend called you a bitch and a whore (I know this doesn’t turn you on – and I can’t understand how it could turn anyone on – if a woman called me an a**h*** and a jerk during sex, I would shrivel up and be out of there). Anyway, this may be abusive behaviour that you are tolerating because of what happened to you. You DON’T have to get used to it, or put up with it. I’m not trying to ruin your relationship, but you need to resolve all of the deep issues over what happened to you (as I said, they can be profound, underlying issues that you are not even aware – such as self-esteem, etc.) which may involve a time-out or possibly even leaving your boyfriend if he cannot treat you with more decency.

 

As far as “being over it” and forgetting it, I had thought that about myself many times, and yet here it is raising its ugly head again 25 years later. I strongly urge you to deal with it now because I can guarantee you if you don’t it will resurface again in your life at certain times (for instance if and when you ever have a teenage daughter yourself).

 

Again, best of luck and good wishes

 

A.G.

[zarathustra]

I have a very good friend who was raped when she was just 15; her "date," the rapist, was 22.

 

She has surmounted this horror through time and support.

 

I believe that you will, too.

 

Please get professional counseling, and talk to friends and loved ones who understand and will help you to come to grips with this horror in your life.

 

Good luck, DA.

[GeorgiaSongbird]

Angel...

 

The people who know let it go so quickly becuase they don't know how to help you ...It is a big deal even if no one treats it that way.. It is not too late to start taking care of yourself. Two years does not make it a meaningless event in your life.

 

Good luck. I think you're very brave.

[moimeme]

Don't wait until its been 13 years like me.

 

GS, you, too, should get help now. It's never too late to get these things dealt with.

[Darkangelism]

GS why did you edit the huge post you had?

 

 

Sex offenders piss me off.

[DerangedAngel]

Thank-you, to everyone, for your posts and PM's. It's nice to know people care.

 

I wanted to let you guys know that I am getting into counseling, have my first session next week. I'll probably post on this thread from time to time. Hope you don't mind my ramblings. It's so good to get things out. Thanks, again.

 

-Deranged

[GeorgiaSongbird]

Originally posted by Darkangelism

GS why did you edit the huge post you had?

 

 

Sex offenders piss me off.

 

 

I edited it because I said things in the post that no one in my life knows. Only the room mate that was with living with me at the time knows about others… and in short, I was embarrassed.

 

It just scared the crap out me that it was out there in the world somewhere attached to a member name that could be recognized as ME. I know on an intellectual level that it was not my fault and I'm not to blame. But on an emotional level, that fact is hard to acknowledge and accept. I didn't know if I could handle it being out there. I am still struggling with issues of shame and feeling damaged, I suppose. I was more upset when I realized I didn't edit fast enough before someone read it - no offense meant to you, Moimeme, I know you were just being supportive.

 

In that sense, Angel is strong than I .. And I wish her God speed.

[Darkangelism]

i hope you dont mind i read it too.

[average guy]

Hi GeorgiaSongbird,

 

I think it is important to get things out in the open (you don't have to tell everyone the first time you meet them!) but you will find the right time and place to tell more people. I was actually wondering (my therapist is on holidays for 3 weeks so I can't ask her) what the progression is for a victim of abuse is? I've been through saying I've dealt with it (denial?) to confessing it to others (acknlodgement?), but I wonder what stages I will end up having to go through in the future. I know this whole thing was triggered for me by another post that talked about the "purity of virginity" and I just broke down in tears to read it because I thought of all the people that had no choice of their first time from suffereing at the hands of incest, abuse, rape, etc. and it made me realise how "impure" I felt.

 

Anyway, I wish you all the best with your journey

 

And I'm glad to hear Angel (you are NOT deranged! that your seeig a therapist. I made a feeble unconcious attempt to flatter myself by saying mine happened 25 years ago - it's been 35 years and I'm still dealing with it because I didn't acknowledge it until 5 years ago. So best of luck to you for starting on it now

 

Cheers everyone,

 

A.G.

[moimeme]

I was more upset when I realized I didn't edit fast enough before someone read it

 

I'm a zillion miles away and wouldn't know you if I fell over you. A lot of people find relief from telling their stories and being heard but since you haven't done it before, it must have left you feeling very exposed. It was never your fault. I don't know why it is that our minds seem constructed to think that whatever happens to us must be our fault but that's a faulty function.

 

It was never your fault.

 

I don't believe I have word to say to the folks on this and the Molestation thread that would not seem trite but I ache for you all.

 

blessings,

Merry