LeaningIntoTheMuse Posted April 9, 2011 Share Posted April 9, 2011 I've been met with hostility on here. Granted, I've been hostile as well, but I think I need to sort my life out, right now. This is me... Physical attributes - 5'10" tall - 210 pounds weight - Long hair and glasses, no beard - Brown hair, brown eyes - Been described as having classically attractive features, but I'm pudgy, so I look average - Big beer belly (that's where most of the weight went) Mental characteristics - I have social anxiety, and am very shy and quiet at times. I also have low self esteem. - I have Body Dimorphic Disorder, and every time that a girl has been attracted to me, I figure I'm too ugly for her. This is something that I've been working on in therapy, but while I can see it from an academic standpoint and a scientific one, I can't see myself as attractive (especially when put up against the good looking jock.) - I am intelligent, and was put in the gifted class in junior high and high school. - I am bipolar, and am on medication for it. - I sometimes cope with severe depression, and severe mood swings. What I seek in a girl - Kindhearted and caring - Reasonably good looking (this can apply to the chubby girls as well) - Geeks are a plus! Intelligence is a huge turn on for me. - Someone who loves animals, and doesn't believe in violence - Someone who's a reader (I can't imagine dating someone who didn't read.) - Someone who will tolerate my music, as long as I tolerate hers - Musicians are ideal, since I'm a musician and songwriter - Someone who's not racist, homophobic, or hateful towards demographics I personally don't see what I seek in a girl as being that crazy! Is my problem simply because of my attitude, and my low self esteem? My attitude (the negative stuff that I post here) comes from low self esteem, and low self worth. While I understand that it might be driving away women, I want to change it. However, how do you change a self esteem, when you feel so poorly about yourself? I've tried this in therapy. I'm on drugs for bipolar, social anxiety, and OCD. My doctor has said that he "doesn't want to medicate away all of my problems, because my interactions in real life are contributing to my low self esteem". So how do I get out of this? I wasn't born hating what women do, or with a low self esteem. However, I was bullied, and that pretty much killed any respect I had towards people my own age. I relate best to people who are 20 years older than me, and get anxiety around people my own age and within the 18-30 age bracket, mostly. I just want to stop feeling the fear, but it doesn't help when people are calling me a troll, or saying that I deserve to be alone. I cried yesterday, and today had a panic attack, after coming on here. People forget there's a real person, someone who bleeds just like you do, behind this screen. Link to post Share on other sites
xpaperxcutx Posted April 9, 2011 Share Posted April 9, 2011 You have low self-esteem because of your body weight, and it is thus intensified because of your BDD. The reason you hate women is because you don't think you have self-worth and when a woman rejects you you turn your self-hatred outwards towards the other gender to make yourself feel better. It's a cycle. If you want to break it, address your original problem- your self-esteem. What do you think will make you feel better? Losing the weight? You said you have BDD, so honestly, the problem is that you're not satisfied with the fact that you're pudgy and have a beer belly. Alright then, get on the treadmill and lose that pudge. You want to seek someone who will accept you for you however physical attractiveness always precedes other attributes of a person. If you're not decently attractive you will end up being rejected by the top tiered " beautful' women. If you seek someone who can bring the things you listed to the table, ask yourself what is it that you can bring into a relationship besides chauvinistic attitude and depression? Fix your personal baggage first because from what I can see, you're not hoping to seek a relationship, you're hoping to find someone who will accept your baggage and give you a shoulder to lean on. Link to post Share on other sites
Author LeaningIntoTheMuse Posted April 9, 2011 Author Share Posted April 9, 2011 Even when I was skinny, I still felt badly about myself. So it's not the weight, not completely. I suppose it's a point of not feeling like I can "measure up" to other guys. Even if a girl preferred me to a jock, I'd think she's kidding around, and she actually prefers the jock. Link to post Share on other sites
westernxer Posted April 9, 2011 Share Posted April 9, 2011 Stop comparing yourself to the proverbial jock. You have unique qualities that will stand out if you just stopped with the comparisons. Jocks can be so boring, especially when injured. Then you'll really stand out. Link to post Share on other sites
Cee Posted April 9, 2011 Share Posted April 9, 2011 I was in love with a guy who could have been your twin. He was 6' 4", an artist, and very quiet. He didn't believe he was attractive. He was overweight, too. He pushed women away, including me. It hurt, but deep down he preferred being alone because he didn't want the work of a relationship. It's a lot of work. It sounds like you want a relationship. If so, let women like you. Don't insult them by saying that they don't really like you. Stop hurting their feelings and return their texts. Shy, quiet guys like you attract women. You really do. And if your post was an online ad, I'd definitely answer it. Btw, I'm bipolar too. And I've battled panic attacks and agoraphobia. Also, I have an eating disorder. I must sound like a real winner, right? I am. I don't let my emotional problems interfere with my life. And I'm not a victim. I take responsibility for my mental health and don't blame it on my problems. The problems I have are of my own making. Your post was really great. And I'm so glad you opened up. I had no idea that we had so much in common. Keep posting. Link to post Share on other sites
dreamingoftigers Posted April 9, 2011 Share Posted April 9, 2011 I prefer the overweight guys. The are cuddly. Most of the guys I dated were thin and it didn't do it for me as much. I know that it is unhealthy so I have to adust to my husband being thinner (and seeking a healthier man in the future if we split). Link to post Share on other sites
denise_xo Posted April 10, 2011 Share Posted April 10, 2011 First of all, I'm not sure these kind of online forums are the best place to be when feeling vulnerable, so you might want to regulate when you go on LS or other online spaces. If you're having a bad day or feeling particularly moody, this is not necessarily a place that's going to make you feel any better, and it might only make you feel worse. As for your interactions contributing negatively to your situation, I've seen a couple of threads here where I think your interaction contributed somewhat negatively to your own situation, and where (from my own POV, which of course is also subjective) you took people's posts and comments in a more negative way than they were intended, or in a different way than they were intended. As you probably know already, this is very common for people who are struggling with depression or negative mood swings. You also at times come across as defensive in an emotional manner, where you seem to be arguing purely on the basis of emotions rather than on a more careful and open consideration of different aspects of an issue. I'm not saying this to be mean or critical, it's intended as constructive feedback since your question in the OP is 'what is my problem'. There's a chicken and egg issue there where the right medication might equip you better to address your issues. Are you in therapy now? It might help you to work systematically on changing your reactions and thought patterns in real life interactions. That kind of stuff is hard to change, though. You might also want to consider getting a second opinion on your medication. Good luck. Link to post Share on other sites
Author LeaningIntoTheMuse Posted April 10, 2011 Author Share Posted April 10, 2011 I agree, Denise. In fact, I'm going to try to cut down my posting here. I feel it's unhealthy to ruminate so much on being dateless; maybe it would be healthy to learn why women act the way they do, but it's not healthy to use words on a screen to make me upset. I suppose I am a bit emotional, and tend to get really emotional when I see things that upset me. I need to learn to better control my emotions. I am not currently in therapy, but I'm going to call today and schedule an appointment. I also want to see if I can up my anti-anxiety medication, if possible, or maybe it's the bipolar meds that need upping. Thanks for the advice! Link to post Share on other sites
denise_xo Posted April 10, 2011 Share Posted April 10, 2011 In fact, I'm going to try to cut down my posting here. ... I am not currently in therapy, but I'm going to call today and schedule an appointment. I also want to see if I can up my anti-anxiety medication, if possible, or maybe it's the bipolar meds that need upping. Sounds like good places to start. All best to you Link to post Share on other sites
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