Educator Posted April 9, 2011 Share Posted April 9, 2011 Ok, don't want to get too graphic, but basically I married a woman that has become more restrictive in sexual practices over time than less. You would think, of course, that any couple would experiment and become more open to new ways of making love. We are talking about a woman that can't think about sex unless it's on a bed, the room is pitch black, missionary only and no willingness to try anything else. Oh, cat has to be out of the room, too, for goodness sake. It was a bit better during courtship and I figured things would get better over time, etc. Wrong. Any suggestions other than counseling, which she thought was ridiculous? Link to post Share on other sites
dreamingoftigers Posted April 10, 2011 Share Posted April 10, 2011 Well I can see the cat going out of the room..... Has she given you a reason for this behaviour? Link to post Share on other sites
mizliz Posted April 10, 2011 Share Posted April 10, 2011 ummm...talk to your wife. Easy. Link to post Share on other sites
Irishlove Posted April 10, 2011 Share Posted April 10, 2011 I would ask her why she is that way. Maybe do a few new things with the lights out first and do them slowly. Explain she doesn't have to make any noise (those will come in time) just enjoy what's being done to her. She needs to feel safe. Close her eyes and relax. Oh wait till she does doggie (the freak may come out. lol) sorry. hehehe Link to post Share on other sites
Gotti25 Posted April 10, 2011 Share Posted April 10, 2011 Sorry to say but shes probably lost interest in you. Move on Link to post Share on other sites
TurboGirl Posted April 10, 2011 Share Posted April 10, 2011 why are you posting in the OM/OW forum??? how does it apply? Link to post Share on other sites
Flgirl44 Posted April 10, 2011 Share Posted April 10, 2011 (edited) The laughing at counseling doesn't bode well. This is obviously an issue for you so she should take it more seriously. Is she controlling in other areas of the relationship? This sounds verbatim what my ex said to me, and ultimately after his many pleas and me not being able to get real with myself about my true issues regarding intimacy, he finally left to go persue women that fit what he was looking for sexually. He found it pretty quickly I might add. There are plenty of women who have normal sex drives that aren't hung up like she is, if she doesn't realize that, then maybe you should let her know. I found out the hard way. While it helped/forced me to really examine why I was holding back, it was a really harsh lesson to learn. For me, when a man asks to experiment more sexually my insecure self says, he's done this with other women and now expects it from me. It becomes intimidating and I assumed he was drawing from past positive experiences which I couldn't compete with since what he was asking for was newbie territory for me. I dealt with this by being completely against what he was asking for because I did not want to be compared or elicit a memory of someone who might have done it better--so I didn't even try. I projected the anger and insecurity it caused within me to be his fault and got mad at him for putting me in that position instead of taking responsibility for my own emotional response. I know it's very convoluted but maybe it has some relevance to your situation. Could be insecurity due to your past experiences(or what you request alluding to it), her trying to control you because she doesn't feel heard in the day to day, someone demonizing her sex drive in formative years, she could be getting lazy and selfish and taking you for granted without realizing it. Communication is key because situations like this can get ugly and resentful quick. Edited April 10, 2011 by Flgirl44 Link to post Share on other sites
carhill Posted April 10, 2011 Share Posted April 10, 2011 Sorry to say but shes probably lost interest in you. Move on Yeah, that's my take too. Oh, also, my datapoint is, with a person who thinks relationships, lovemaking is never better than during the honeymoon period, as this is what they 'think' will hook the partner. My antithetical path is that, as intimacy and bonding grows over time an experience, expressions of it should grow as well, both in depth and scope, irrespective of frequency. Pretty simple... counseling to improve or divorce to find a more compatible partner or, if you've the stomach, simply tell her you'll get the kind of lovemaking you desire elsewhere. Not my choice but it has worked for some. Link to post Share on other sites
Tinkerbell1 Posted April 10, 2011 Share Posted April 10, 2011 Well he said things were never great and he thought it would get better but it didnt. So to say she lost interest makes no sense at all. Also, how can anyone come to any kind of conclusion as to WHY she isnt more into it from one paragraph long post? That is really reaching. OP, why dont you tell her that she either works on things with you, or you separate, or, like Car said, you will find it elsewhere. Or, how about SHE comes up with a solution better then you simply going without. Oh, and why is she so against therapy? It can really help. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Educator Posted April 11, 2011 Author Share Posted April 11, 2011 I realize I posted in the wrong forum, so moved it to Marriage & Relationship. FLGirl raised some good thoughts about her insecurity or other psych issues from the past that might be blocking, hadn't really considered that too much. TinkerBell, she doesn't want counseling, thinks she is normal. Per my other post in M&R, though, I am frustrated and it makes me think that an affair is a possible alternative to breaking up the family, etc. Anyone know someone that has had a positive affair experience in a situation like mine? Link to post Share on other sites
Flabbergaster Posted April 11, 2011 Share Posted April 11, 2011 Per my other post in M&R, though, I am frustrated and it makes me think that an affair is a possible alternative to breaking up the family, etc. Anyone know someone that has had a positive affair experience in a situation like mine? YEah i know somthing about that...come over here with me...no, a little farther...past this building into the alley...so i can BEAT THE **** OUT OF YOU. This is better than your idea. Been in an affair, it was started as a PA. Actually it was started as a one night stand. DO NOT CONSIDER THIS AS AN OPTION because it will only make your problems worse. I would suggest that YOU go to a therapist, perhaps a sex therapist. Find the person who seems like who you would want her to talk with...go to them and try to get their help to understand what's going on with her. They might have ideas for what you can do to make it better. Try that for a WHILE. If it doesn't work, hookers are much less worse than an A. Do you want to stop loving her and be in total emotional pain, start seriously considering suicide, or maybe have a super messy divorce? If so, then consider an A. Link to post Share on other sites
Heart On Posted April 11, 2011 Share Posted April 11, 2011 I realize I posted in the wrong forum.Per my other post in M&R, though, I am frustrated and it makes me think that an affair is a possible alternative to breaking up the family, etc. Anyone know someone that has had a positive affair experience in a situation like mine? First of all,you knew this was how she was before you married her. Secondly,how would you feel if she was here asking for "permission" to go outside your marriage for sex? Thirdly,maybe she is already having an affair and that's why she limits you sexually. And lastly,she might just not feel comfortable being your 'sexual puppet' because it belittles her love for you. NO! And affair isn't a possible alternative to breaking up a marriage. If you are TRULY unhappy,get a divorce first. Most affairs start because people are either selfish or cowardly and think "filling the void" is within thier rights. It's not. LEAVE first and save yourself ALOT of money!~ lol Betrayed spouse tend to enjoy sticking to thier betrayer in court. Link to post Share on other sites
Flgirl44 Posted April 11, 2011 Share Posted April 11, 2011 Most affairs start because people are either selfish or cowardly and think "filling the void" is within thier rights. It's not. I agree 110%. It's dangerous to get a sense of entitlement about fulfilling your unmet needs and serves no good purpose really. I know that rejection and frustration can be very powerful motivators but you are better than that. You need to tell her you are considering an affair because of unmet sexual needs. Then at least you are being honest and she has a chance to realize how serious you are and do something about it. You have two options really: 1) Stay with wife and figure it out. 2)Divorce and have other women. But to do some half-assed version of 1&2 is not going to work and is going to sully the sanctity of your relationship in a way you will never get back. Don't do a disservice to the time you have spent together no matter what the outcome. Link to post Share on other sites
Heart On Posted April 11, 2011 Share Posted April 11, 2011 (edited) I agree 110%. It's dangerous to get a sense of entitlement about fulfilling your unmet needs and serves no good purpose really. I know that rejection and frustration can be very powerful motivators but you are better than that. You need to tell her you are considering an affair because of unmet sexual needs. Then at least you are being honest and she has a chance to realize how serious you are and do something about it. You have two options really: 1) Stay with wife and figure it out. 2)Divorce and have other women. But to do some half-assed version of 1&2 is not going to work and is going to sully the sanctity of your relationship in a way you will never get back. Don't do a disservice to the time you have spent together no matter what the outcome. I will say that I am impressed that you,OP, came here first presumably,to get some feed back on this issue before you leap into the unknown. Just know,you should expect any OW you might get involved with to want more than to just have sex with you,and unless you completely lack integrity,your life will become a lie you can't live with.Your wife will hate you if/when she finds out.And your problems will be much worse than the fact that your wife won't "experiment sexually" with you. DO THE RIGHT THING.You know what that is. And if not, FLgirl spelled it out for you very nicely. Your wife will most CERTAINLY appreciate knowing BEFORE and not AFTER what your choice is. Of course you have the right to be happy and get your needs met, but there is no reason to betray your wife to get them met. Divorce is the ONLY option if she is unwilling to give you what you want. Unless you are intentionally going to defy her to get even for not giving you a blow job or having anal sex with you...lol I am curious...since you brought it up. What IS it that you want that she won't give you sexually? Maybe an OW won't either depending on how 'twisted' it is. I think alot of this depends on whether you still LOVE her or not. Cheating is NOT a loving act and it makes your entire marriage a lie. Is that worth the potential for 'freaky' sex? For most cheating men...it is. Keep this quote in mind: "I'd rather be hated for who I am,than loved for who I am not." There is ALOT more to marriage than 'experimental sex' to lose. Edited April 11, 2011 by Heart On Link to post Share on other sites
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