Wife Won't Experiment Sexually

[Educator]

KoolKat, is it really cowardly and terrible to have been faithful for over 20 years and consider an affair to provide some needed sexual and passion aspects? I mean, come on, if your spouse was hooked on tennis and you hated tennis, you wouldn't divorce instead of telling them to join a club and play with other people. Yes, I know, sex is much more intimate, etc, but really, I think my wife simply can't do things that most other women feel comfortable doing in the bedroom. Frequency is an issue, too, so if an affair might help keep the marriage together as opposed to divorce, is it really that bad? Really that cowardly and terrible? I was hoping to hear from some people about their affair experiences or knowledge.

[coffeecat]

You said that when you do have sex and get on - she's fun! Sooo, this is just an idea- but why don't you try to talk to her the next time you are having sex? Make it sexy. Like in between thrusts, ask her to tell you what to do to her- or you ask her something to do to you.

 

I dunno- maybe my advice sucks and I'm really naive- . It's just usually my husband and I communicate about our sexual desires and needs DURING sex. It's awkward to talk about it between scheduling the kids' appointments or over coffee.

[dreamingoftigers]

KoolKat, is it really cowardly and terrible to have been faithful for over 20 years and consider an affair to provide some needed sexual and passion aspects? I mean, come on, if your spouse was hooked on tennis and you hated tennis, you wouldn't divorce instead of telling them to join a club and play with other people. Yes, I know, sex is much more intimate, etc, but really, I think my wife simply can't do things that most other women feel comfortable doing in the bedroom. Frequency is an issue, too, so if an affair might help keep the marriage together as opposed to divorce, is it really that bad? Really that cowardly and terrible? I was hoping to hear from some people about their affair experiences or knowledge.

 

Not if you are upfront about it, otherwise yes it is cowardly, secretive and terrible.

 

Read After the Affair before going down this route. At least know what you are risking.

 

I have experiences with affairs, multiple in fact. My husband had many. I wish that he had the balls to be honest instead.

 

Stick to tennis.

[oldguy]

KoolKat, is it really cowardly and terrible to have been faithful for over 20 years and consider an affair to provide some needed sexual and passion aspects? I mean, come on, if your spouse was hooked on tennis and you hated tennis, you wouldn't divorce instead of telling them to join a club and play with other people. Yes, I know, sex is much more intimate, etc, but really, I think my wife simply can't do things that most other women feel comfortable doing in the bedroom. Frequency is an issue, too, so if an affair might help keep the marriage together as opposed to divorce, is it really that bad? Really that cowardly and terrible? I was hoping to hear from some people about their affair experiences or knowledge.

 

So, is your wife on-board with this marriage saving epiphanie?

[oldguy]

Date your SO without, your expectation, of sex. Flirt 24/7. I’ve heard things here like; I do things around the house, I spend time with the kids, I buy her “stuff”, and I’m thinking that’s all very nice that you do that, mostly because you should do those things, but it sounds like you expect sex in exchange for, “things”. What does she do? My guess would be; a lot, and maybe she just needs some down time, or her time or to be made to feel special without expectations of sex, especially as payment. I’m not trying to slam you I’m only suggesting that if I got this impression maybe it is an underlying current. If you think there is an problem & she will not go to counseling with you, start going by yourself, (And DO NOT guilt her). A good number of the couples or even families I saw began with a single member.

[listen777]

I'm in the same boat with this, in that I made the mistake of thinking that there would be some major "sexual" awaking in my marriage once the hard stuff was done ( mortgage, kids, work careers).

 

After reading the internet now for 5-7 years, the one thing I know is that trends or attitudes that are evident at the start of a marriage tend to grow stronger over time, not weaken. Example, infrequent sex during the first 2 years often does not translate to an increase in frequency from years 5-10.

 

Here is a thought. Women play a very important role in the grounding of male behaviors. Starting with pre-school and the number of female teachers, the notion of "being a gentleman" and signing up for the male stereotype. All of this grows over the years because father figures take a back seat due to work or to being basic.

 

Before I got married, I should have read "the 7 languages of love" I'm not sure if the author is male or female, but its a great start as to seeing if there is good hope for long term compatibility.

 

What is missing. And this is THE issue I'm seeing. Is that there is no book out there for the 10 languages of sex. The expectations of honesty, style, frequency and need going into a marriage. It's hard to see this since men often marry the mother and not the whore, and often the sex is quite different between the two.

 

This may all come down for you and your wife having different sexual preferences. Who has the right to say one or the other?

[tiger65]

I didn't read a lot of the posts in this thread, but they seem to be coming from males.

 

Let me give you a woman's perspective. This may help the other men who are posting in this thread who are in a similar situation.

 

I have always been very self conscious about my body, I have struggled with a weight problem for many years, and had very droopy breasts which further made me embarrassed and self consicious when I was in bed with a man. I lost a lot of weight prior to meeting my husband, but I STILL felt embarrassed, those feelings just don't go away overnight.

 

So, I start dating my husband, we have sex frequently however it is basically what you describe with your wife OP. Lights off, missionary, on the bed. My husband asked me what was wrong and was very understanding and wanted to help. I was honest with him about my fears and how I was self consicous. He basically told me I was the hottest woman in the world and that one day I would be his "trophy wife." He told me I have no reason to be self conscious because he loves looking at my body. Slowly we began to change things up, we started leaving the lights on. Then I began getting on top, as well as doggy style. He was very patient and understanding, I still to this day get a tad self conscious when I'm on top and he is looking at me, but he locks eyes with me and tells me how sexy I am and this helps me to push the thought out of my mind. The more we do it, the less I think about it.

 

Now, your wife could feel this way, or she just could be doing it to be a biatch. Lets assume it's the first reason. You need to talk to her, with an understanding attitude and say something like:

 

"Hey honey, I love you and want to help you. I think that if we switch things up it will just make the sex even greater then it already is and it will give us some variety. Are you embarrassed or self conscious? If you are then you have nothing to worry about, I think you are the hottest and sexiest woman ever."

 

She'll respond to that a lot better then:

 

"Hey, why didn't you put out last night? I'm sick of doing the same thing over and over again, it's boring. You really need to change this about yourself."

 

Do you see hte difference?

 

 

 

Lauriebelle82, while I agree with your reasioning I have a similar problem with my wife and I am always telling her how beautiful she looks both dressed and naked and how great she is when having sex. However, she will not change her habits and thinking about our sex life. She will only have sex in one position with lights out and only in the bedroom. I on the other hand would like to experiment with different positions and in a different places. We have no kids at home and we have been married quite a while. There have been problems in the marriage but they were many years ago and I had thought we had overcome them, but when I think of our sexual relationship I am not sure they are still lingering. I love my wife dearly and would like nothing else but to have a great realtionship which would also include sex.

Any other thoughts or suggestions.

[tnttim]

Ok, don't want to get too graphic, but basically I married a woman that has become more restrictive in sexual practices over time than less. You would think, of course, that any couple would experiment and become more open to new ways of making love. We are talking about a woman that can't think about sex unless it's on a bed, the room is pitch black, missionary only and no willingness to try anything else. Oh, cat has to be out of the room, too, for goodness sake. It was a bit better during courtship and I figured things would get better over time, etc. Wrong.

 

Any suggestions other than counseling, which she thought was ridiculous?

 

Real easy, then refuse to have sex with her in this manner. Don't make any suggestions of what you want because suggestions never work in the bedroom. Treat her like you are dating her, and not married to her, like going out and having fun, stuff you would do while you were dating her.

[DufenSchmertz]

How about night vision goggles?

[Alfie]

I didn't read a lot of the posts in this thread, but they seem to be coming from males.

 

Let me give you a woman's perspective. This may help the other men who are posting in this thread who are in a similar situation.

 

I have always been very self conscious about my body, I have struggled with a weight problem for many years, and had very droopy breasts which further made me embarrassed and self consicious when I was in bed with a man. I lost a lot of weight prior to meeting my husband, but I STILL felt embarrassed, those feelings just don't go away overnight.

 

So, I start dating my husband, we have sex frequently however it is basically what you describe with your wife OP. Lights off, missionary, on the bed. My husband asked me what was wrong and was very understanding and wanted to help. I was honest with him about my fears and how I was self consicous. He basically told me I was the hottest woman in the world and that one day I would be his "trophy wife." He told me I have no reason to be self conscious because he loves looking at my body. Slowly we began to change things up, we started leaving the lights on. Then I began getting on top, as well as doggy style. He was very patient and understanding, I still to this day get a tad self conscious when I'm on top and he is looking at me, but he locks eyes with me and tells me how sexy I am and this helps me to push the thought out of my mind. The more we do it, the less I think about it.

 

Now, your wife could feel this way, or she just could be doing it to be a biatch. Lets assume it's the first reason. You need to talk to her, with an understanding attitude and say something like:

 

"Hey honey, I love you and want to help you. I think that if we switch things up it will just make the sex even greater then it already is and it will give us some variety. Are you embarrassed or self conscious? If you are then you have nothing to worry about, I think you are the hottest and sexiest woman ever."

 

She'll respond to that a lot better then:

 

"Hey, why didn't you put out last night? I'm sick of doing the same thing over and over again, it's boring. You really need to change this about yourself."

 

Do you see hte difference?

 

All this is very true. Women pride themselves on looking and feeling hot and sexy, and want to think that their man views them as such. How often do you see an ok looking man walking around with a woman way hotter than him? I've dated a few men, some better looking than others, but every single one of them was so confident with their body and their size, when they didn't have much a of right to be lol. Men simply don't care as much about their appearance in bed, when they are horny and turned on, they don't care how fat or hairy or sweaty they are, they have sex with you either way and don't once apologize about drooling and sweating all over your body (well, Its pretty hot sometimes actually ). But I know I have a nice body and great breasts and a nice tummy, but if I feel bloated, forget about it, if I'm pms'n, he is no way allowed to take my bra off, bc I get very self-conscious, even tho he is very attracted to me. On my ugly days, he'll pick me up and throw my on the bed and say "you're so f'ing hot" when I know I'm not at the moment, but knowing that he finds me sexy, makes me losen up and open up more (no pun intended). If you let your woman know she is hot and sexy, she may be a bit more open and "fun"

[Scottdmw]

I appreciate the responses. First, for more information, we have talked ad nauseum about this. Like ppend's response (I think ppend), my wife just says that we don't need counseling and most people are just like us, etc. I don't know if she is scared that a counselor will disagree with her or confident that most people are really like us. I highly doubt most people are like her, anyway. GF's previous to marriage certainly were not!

 

I even bought instructional videos from Adam & Eve on various sexual techniques, positions, etc. She was not interested, she didn't even look at them. So, it's not a question of not talking or communicating.

 

More info. The rest of our relationship is good. We do get along fine and have a lot of history, kids, all the normal stuff built up. A lot to leave or shake up but isn't a marriage more than good platonic friends? Isn't the sexual relationship part of the contract? I'm sure you all have heard this before.

 

Anyway, I now realize why the European "stay married but have affairs" relationship stereotype is so popular. It is an alternative to a situation like mine, last resort, of course, but I might be close that last resort. At least it seems a better alternative than divorcing and ruining a lot of relationships and history and all. And it seems like an affair with the right person (e.g., someone in a similar situation to me would be helpful in some ways, it would keep the marriage intact, etc. Anyone have experience with successful affairs?

 

To be honest, it sounds like you are looking for rationalizations to have an affair. You are taking a situation that, while it's not the best, is not really that bad, and trying to convince yourself and others that it's worse than it is. Then, rather than doing something to improve the situation, you are looking for an easy-out solution.

 

Hey, I'm single never married. I would love to have your situation. You have a really good thing going, but now you're thinking about potentially throwing it away to get a few more thrills.

 

If you go this route, it's possible you'll get what you want and get away with it. There is a fairly good chance though that your wife will find out. Your relationship with her in that case will be permanently damaged and possibly ended. Do not delude yourself that you can definitely prevent that. Hiding an affair is not that easy. What if your other woman gets angry at you and decides to out you? There are things like that you have absolutely no control over once you go down that road.

 

If I were you I would do two things. First, I would realize that sex is not a huge part of life, and not worth risking the rest of your life over to marginally improve it. If you are bored with your life find some other way to liven it up. Take a new job, find a new hobby, go on an exciting trip. Learn something new. You might even find that with more purpose and excitement in your life your wife becomes more interested in you.

 

Second, I would continue to make an effort to address the problem with your wife. You can't force her to do anything. She may never change. But, I suspect that if you continue to approach gently and persistently, with full respect for her as a person and her decisions, and attempt to entice her to try a few new things, you may have some success.

 

Don't fall victim to the grass is always greener type of thinking. As others on this board have attested, your situation is reasonably good.

 

Scott