Stuck

[Towardstherain]

I hate that my wife of 5 years had and affair with my brother. She told me yesterday while we were sitting down hugging each other. Said she and him did it for 8 months last year. While I was traveling out of state to work, she was at home ****ing him. I have thoughts of them having sex and it makes me sick. Threw up this morning thinking about it. She even had the nerve to see what I was doing, as if she actually gave a damn. I threatened to hurt her if she touched me. I'm fighting the will to just go over to his house and beat him until I get tired. I'm trying to hold it together and I just don't know what to do.

[Baroness67]

I am so sorry ... this sounds horrible.

 

I respond because this has happened in my extended family that I know of, sort of, twice. One where the fiance (I'm not giving up gender) of one relative broke up with that relative, only to start dating that relative's sibling - and they eventually got married. But that was getting over a courtship of about a year.

 

In the other case, there was a major drunken party where a relative caught their spouse &$%ing in the bathroom with the spouse of another relative. The husband of the bathroom wife divorced her. The wife of the bathroom husband stayed in the marriage.

 

In the first case, there was not a marriage to get over, and there was not necessarily any active cheating involved. In the second case, it was a one time thing and one of the cheaters had to go. There was no other way for the family dynamic to go forward.

 

I don't think there's any way around this. Either you give up your brother or give up your wife. Either she or your brother (that's up to your judgment, OP, because it's theoretically possible one is more culpable than the other), but I don't think it's a marriage that can be saved unless the brother is cut out. Yikes. The brother didn't tell you either. Did anyone else in the family know?

 

Just bad all around. I am so sorry.

[dreamingoftigers]

My neighbour did this....

 

Get yourself to EMDR therapy (look it up) to help overcome the trauma and get rid of some of the imagery. It was the only thing that remotely helped with my husband's cheating.

 

You are probably going to have disrupted sleep, health concerns the whole bit. You may need to see a doctor for a sleep aid and/or an anti-depressant.

 

Check out After the Affair to read up on what you might go through and what the **** she was thinking.

 

Don't make any quick decisions and give yourself some space and time to heal.

 

I am so sorry, it's probably the most brutal thing that you could go through.

[Towardstherain]

Thanks ladies. This pain just hurts so bad. I may have to go stay at a hotel for a few nights.

[WorldIsYours]

I hate that my wife of 5 years had and affair with my brother. She told me yesterday while we were sitting down hugging each other. Said she and him did it for 8 months last year. While I was traveling out of state to work, she was at home ****ing him. I have thoughts of them having sex and it makes me sick. Threw up this morning thinking about it. She even had the nerve to see what I was doing, as if she actually gave a damn. I threatened to hurt her if she touched me. I'm fighting the will to just go over to his house and beat him until I get tired. I'm trying to hold it together and I just don't know what to do.

 

Leave her forever and make sure you punch out his lights too. What a trick.

[fooled once]

I hate that my wife of 5 years had and affair with my brother. She told me yesterday while we were sitting down hugging each other. Said she and him did it for 8 months last year. While I was traveling out of state to work, she was at home ****ing him. I have thoughts of them having sex and it makes me sick. Threw up this morning thinking about it. She even had the nerve to see what I was doing, as if she actually gave a damn. I threatened to hurt her if she touched me. I'm fighting the will to just go over to his house and beat him until I get tired. I'm trying to hold it together and I just don't know what to do.

 

Oh wow. So you and here were sitting down, hugging and she just up and told you she has been screwing your brother?

 

While I understand your desire to beat up your brother; remember also your wife chose to have sex with him. She chose to cheat on you.

 

Have you spoken to your brother? what does he say?

[Towardstherain]

Thanks Worldisyours.

 

Baroness I forgot to answer your question about the family knowing: They do know about it but I don't think they understand fully.

[Towardstherain]

Fooled Once, yes we were cuddling and I was telling her how much I loved her. She started sobbing and when I asked her what was wrong she said she had something to tell me. Told me she couldn't keep holding it in and that's when I got floored.

 

I haven't spoken to my brother. If I do it'll only be about how I want to **** him up.

[Bryanp]

This is just so horrible. Did you ask her why she wanted to destroy her marriage this way? Ask her how she would be feeling if the roles had been reversed? She screws your brother in your home for 8 months? Unbelievable. What a piece of work she is. Please consult an attorney to understand your options. This is beyond comprehension. Your wife had to be getting some sadistic thrill doing this. I really think that there must be a special place in hell for people like your wife.

[WorldIsYours]

This is just so horrible. Did you ask her why she wanted to destroy her marriage this way? Ask her how she would be feeling if the roles had been reversed? She screws your brother in your home for 8 months? Unbelievable. What a piece of work she is. Please consult an attorney to understand your options. This is beyond comprehension. Your wife had to be getting some sadistic thrill doing this. I really think that there must be a special place in hell for people like your wife.

 

Oh yea. Agreed. There are Very Special places for cheaters, especially that "brother" of his.

[dreamingoftigers]

Oh yea. Agreed. There are Very Special places for cheaters, especially that "brother" of his.

 

Sometimes I disagree with your approach. This thread is special, you are extra needed here...

[whichwayisup]

Thanks ladies. This pain just hurts so bad. I may have to go stay at a hotel for a few nights.

 

I'm sorry you're hurting.

 

Is there a trust male friend you can stay with? Not sure if being alone is such a good idea... If you do go to a hotel, don't drink. Dealing with the double betrayal they did to you, being alone and booze isn't a good mix..

[TMCM]

Fooled Once, yes we were cuddling and I was telling her how much I loved her. She started sobbing and when I asked her what was wrong she said she had something to tell me. Told me she couldn't keep holding it in and that's when I got floored.

 

Do you have any kids with her? if not then seriously consider filing for divorce ASAP. Not only did she have sex with your brother, she did it for 8 months straight which shows that this was no 'one time mistake' born out of drunken loneliness that could have been overcomed through marital counseling and plenty of time.

 

If she had truly cared about you she would have told your brother that if he dare so much a touch her that she would file rape charges against him. That is something that any wife who truly loves her husband would have done.

 

I haven't spoken to my brother. If I do it'll only be about how I want to **** him up.

 

He's not worth it. The best thing is to ostracize him from your life forever and tell the rest of your family what he did. If you have any other brothers, especially married ones, they MUST KNOW what he has done and what he is capable of doing to them.

[OldOnTheInside]

I know you're feeling angry but I would suggest that you don't get physical with either your wife or you brother for legal reasons. It could end up biting you in the ass later on. Maybe go to the gym and take your stress out on a punching bag?

 

Perhaps going to your parent's/friend's house for a few days would be a good idea. You need to clear your head so you can decide what you are going to do about your marriage. Seeing your wife's face right now is going to stop you from maintaining you composure.

 

I agree with pretty much everything TMCM has said btw. I don't think reconciliation with your wife or brother is worth it.

[Towardstherain]

Do you have any kids with her? if not then seriously consider filing for divorce ASAP. Not only did she have sex with your brother, she did it for 8 months straight which shows that this was no 'one time mistake' born out of drunken loneliness that could have been overcomed through marital counseling and plenty of time.

 

If she had truly cared about you she would have told your brother that if he dare so much a touch her that she would file rape charges against him. That is something that any wife who truly loves her husband would have done.

 

 

 

He's not worth it. The best thing is to ostracize him from your life forever and tell the rest of your family what he did. If you have any other brothers, especially married ones, they MUST KNOW what he has done and what he is capable of doing to them.

 

Hey thanks TMCM. I never thought this would happen. I thought our marriage was great and now I'm finding out she's a completely different person. And the family knows, but they think this could be handled some way by all of us sitting down together. That is why I say they really don't understand.

[Bryanp]

I think your family understands it. What they want to do is sweep it under the rug and make it go away like it never happened. I am floored by their attitude. TMCM made excellent points. 8 months is long time to be screwing your brother in your home and in your bed. Your wife clearly has a broken moral compass and you clearly did not know the real her. For her to engage in such behavior for 8 months and humiliate and disrespect you and your marriage in such a way is simply beyond comprehension. Your brother by the way is also a total piece of crap.

 

Think about seeing an attorney and think about relocating away from your family and start a new life. Not all women are like your wife. I am curious but what did your wife think would happen by screwing your brother for 8 months?

I wish you luck.

[Towardstherain]

I know you're feeling angry but I would suggest that you don't get physical with either your wife or you brother for legal reasons. It could end up biting you in the ass later on. Maybe go to the gym and take your stress out on a punching bag?

 

Perhaps going to your parent's/friend's house for a few days would be a good idea. You need to clear your head so you can decide what you are going to do about your marriage. Seeing your wife's face right now is going to stop you from maintaining you composure.

 

I agree with pretty much everything TMCM has said btw. I don't think reconciliation with your wife or brother is worth it.

 

Yea I know Old. Getting arrested and losing my job is what stops me from paying him a visit. I tried working out at the gym but I didn't feel up to it and usually I am.

[YellowShark]

Your wife threw you and your marriage under a bus for 8 months, therefore:

 

a) She is untrustworthy, doesn't respect you, and a lied to you.

 

b) Call your brother and tell him you know *everything* and as far as you are concerned he did the worst possible thing to you that he could possibly do. Tell him he is now "dead to you" as far as you are concerned... and maybe one day you'll forgive him, but don't call you, don't talk to you and frankly "f" off.

 

c) Your wife needs to leave the house not you. Why should you be burdened by her infidelity? She needs to feel the sting of her 8 month "sexathon" with your brother. She needs to go find a place to live while things settle, NOT you! So don't go anywhere Towardstherain, throw her bags on the bed and give her a hour to pack and leave. Tell her she has done you wrong, she has tossed your marriage out the window, and now she has to deal with the consequences of her affair. You don't care where she goes, she just has to go, and where she goes is not your problem it is completely hers.

 

d) Take the high road, be firm but honorable... and don't let your wife's crocodile tears trick you. She has no remorse, 8 months is a long time to cheat on you, and frankly it would be a total deal-breaker for me. I could never trust a woman again who would cheat with my brother in my home while I was out on the road providing for her.

 

Best of luck.

Edited April 10, 2011 by YellowShark

[TMCM]

Hey thanks TMCM. I never thought this would happen. I thought our marriage was great and now I'm finding out she's a completely different person.

 

As do all of us who were blindsided by the one person we trusted above all others. But we endured and eventually transcended this most horrible of experiences.

 

 

And the family knows, but they think this could be handled some way by all of us sitting down together. That is why I say they really don't understand.

 

Sitting down together and do what? play monopoly?

 

I understand the shame that a family may go through when a sleazeball member soils the family name but that should take a back seat to giving comfort and support to the family member that has been deeply hurt by the double betrayal of his wife and brother. If all they care about is how this will make them look on to others, then perhaps you should consider ostracizing your family as well.

[seibert253]

Cannot even imagine what your going through.

 

If your WW is remorseful and wants to work through this, then you can.

 

As far as your brother, all I can say is if I were you, he'd be my disowned brother.

 

BTW; don't let your family influence or intimidate you into sweeping this under the rug. This serves no purpose at all.

[mark982]

years ago, i caught my then wife in bed with a very trusted uncle. as one of the posters here said, family will try to sweep this under the rug. exactly what happened in my case.

This will forever divide your family into two different camps. the only thing i can suggest is besides divorce, is therapy, as this is something that will eat you alive otherwise.

I did not pursue him, or try to harm him. BUT i did tell him, that if he comes around me in any shape or form, that he would not walk away alive.

[Towardstherain]

So I'm sitting watching TV and she comes to tell me I can look at her phone and email account if I want, then she went on a rant about how she loves me and she wants us to work out. I tried to ignore her by not saying anything but she kept telling me to say something and I gave in and got in her face and told her I hate her with my ****ing guts and she can go **** herself. I told her everything I did was for her and she ****ed it all up. I told her she must've thought she was the **** since she got to **** him and spend my damn money.

 

Long story short I dropped her off at her mother's then went back home and packed a big bag and checked into a hotel not far from my house. I just want to be at peace for a while. I might drink myself to sleep.

[WorldIsYours]

So I'm sitting watching TV and she comes to tell me I can look at her phone and email account if I want, then she went on a rant about how she loves me and she wants us to work out. I tried to ignore her by not saying anything but she kept telling me to say something and I gave in and got in her face and told her I hate her with my ****ing guts and she can go **** herself. I told her everything I did was for her and she ****ed it all up. I told her she must've thought she was the **** since she got to **** him and spend my damn money.

 

Long story short I dropped her off at her mother's then went back home and packed a big bag and checked into a hotel not far from my house. I just want to be at peace for a while. I might drink myself to sleep.

 

Good for you dumping the trash where it needs to go. Next stop, confront your brother. You gotta let him know this will not be tolerated.

[TMCM]

So I'm sitting watching TV and she comes to tell me I can look at her phone and email account if I want, then she went on a rant about how she loves me and she wants us to work out.

 

Yeah she loves you all right but she also loves to have sex with other men, including your brother(s), without your knowledge.

 

True love is based on deeds not words. Her deeds of betrayal clearly show that she does not love you and is not mature enough for a committed relationship.

 

If she was experiencing sexual longing, it was her duty and obligation, as a wife, to clearly express that to you, her husband. Not allowing another man to satisfy that need.

 

I just want to be at peace for a while. I might drink myself to sleep

 

Totally understandable to hit the bottle after one of the worst ordeals a human being can go through but take care that it doesn't become a self-destructive habit.

[2long]

I don't remember if you said whether or not you have kids. If you don't, ending the marriage will be the easiest thing for you 2 do 2 go forward.

 

You must be young, right? Consider chalking this up 2 experience, get some good counseling (many big companies will offer free counseling services for a time, mine did and it saved me after I found out about my wife's affair 9 years ago), and be prepared for a happy fu2re with someone worthy of your love.

 

-ol' 2long