My "boyfriend"

[Dina]

I've been seeing my boyfriend for the last 4 years. This is the longest I've ever been with one person. This is the second real relationship I've ever had. The first was with someone my age we were 25. It lasted 5 months. My current boyfriend is 12 years older than I am. I am so in love with this man. I guess because I've always been mature for my age and he's not like "boys" that I've dated. He's caring, he doesn't play games, he knows when to be serious and when to joke around. I've always said to myself, I'll fall in love with someone who treats me like I treat them. I like to spoil people and make sure they're happy. One thing in particular is that fact that he knows what I like and he makes sure I have it. It could be as simple as him knowing that I like Twix. I'll have a Twix waiting for me when I get to work. (Did I mention we work together?) Anyway, all of this rambling to say, I love him but he lives with someone else. I want to have children with him, but he lives with someone else. I want to wake up with him in the morning, but he lives with someone else. I always hear, "You can't help who you fall in love with." It's so true. I never thought I would be in this situation and now that I am, I don't want to get out because I can't imagine my life without him. I get sick when I even think about it.

 

I'm sure any advice or comments I receive will mention how stupid I am and that there should be no questions asked, just leave, but I can't do that. help.

[Dina]

I've been seeing my boyfriend for the last 4 years. This is the longest I've ever been with one person. This is the second real relationship I've ever had. The first was with someone my age we were 25. It lasted 5 months. My current boyfriend is 12 years older than I am. I am so in love with this man. I guess because I've always been mature for my age and he's not like "boys" that I've dated. He's caring, he doesn't play games, he knows when to be serious and when to joke around. I've always said to myself, I'll fall in love with someone who treats me like I treat them. I like to spoil people and make sure they're happy. One thing in particular is that fact that he knows what I like and he makes sure I have it. It could be as simple as him knowing that I like Twix. I'll have a Twix waiting for me when I get to work. (Did I mention we work together?) Anyway, all of this rambling to say, I love him but he lives with someone else. I want to have children with him, but he lives with someone else. I want to wake up with him in the morning, but he lives with someone else. I always hear, "You can't help who you fall in love with." It's so true. I never thought I would be in this situation and now that I am, I don't want to get out because I can't imagine my life without him. I get sick when I even think about it. I'm sure any advice or comments I receive will mention how stupid I am and that there should be no questions asked, just leave, but I can't do that. help.

[billy the kid]

no your not stupid...ok??? why can't you two live together??? just ask him to....you know move in or visa versa...it has been 4 years... and if he can't then there is a real problem...

I've been seeing my boyfriend for the last 4 years. This is the longest I've ever been with one person. This is the second real relationship I've ever had. The first was with someone my age we were 25. It lasted 5 months. My current boyfriend is 12 years older than I am. I am so in love with this man. I guess because I've always been mature for my age and he's not like "boys" that I've dated. He's caring, he doesn't play games, he knows when to be serious and when to joke around. I've always said to myself, I'll fall in love with someone who treats me like I treat them. I like to spoil people and make sure they're happy. One thing in particular is that fact that he knows what I like and he makes sure I have it. It could be as simple as him knowing that I like Twix. I'll have a Twix waiting for me when I get to work. (Did I mention we work together?) Anyway, all of this rambling to say, I love him but he lives with someone else. I want to have children with him, but he lives with someone else. I want to wake up with him in the morning, but he lives with someone else. I always hear, "You can't help who you fall in love with." It's so true. I never thought I would be in this situation and now that I am, I don't want to get out because I can't imagine my life without him. I get sick when I even think about it. I'm sure any advice or comments I receive will mention how stupid I am and that there should be no questions asked, just leave, but I can't do that. help.

[Tony T]

Since you have said you can't leave him, you have few alternatives. You can have his children and raise them while he is with the other woman. You can wait around for the other woman to die of old age, hopefully before he does.

 

You said he LIVES with someone else but does he LOVE someone else. I think so. People live with the person they love the most. So your next alternative is to settle on being number two...or three...or four in his life.

 

Also be prepared for him to find another girl on the side as well. There is no way he can have respect for a woman who says she loves him but sticks around while he lives with someone else.

 

I really don't think you are stupid because I have loved in worse circumstances than this. But this experience is part of your growth and in five or ten years, you will look back at this with a different mind and a different heart and the blood will rush to your face with embarassment.

 

For now, this is the place you need to be. Just don't get pregnant with his children right now, because innocent children don't deserve to have their dad living with another woman and you don't deserve to be forced to raise them alone.

 

God Bless You.

[Nina]

It's hard for women to understand the nature of the male psyche. For centuries men have had multpile relationships, to the point that it became culturally acceptible in many countries.

 

If you can't imagine living without him, then you're pretty much stuck with being second wife, therefore lower on the man's priority list, becuase he has maintianed his first relationship for some reason. Maybe he loves her more, maybe she provides something that you don't, maybe he's the type of man who only feel happy when he has multiple relationships.

 

I get the vibe that you won't ever give him an ultimatum. Sure he treats you well, but not good enough. You're still settling for second-class. That's your choice.

 

I'm not going to say you're stupid, but I will say that you may be blinding yourself ot the reality of the situation. For hundreds of years, women have found themselves in your situation.

 

My grandfather had three wives. My grandmother was his third wife. She was always last, had to support herself. The only thing that man ever gave her was children that she had to raise alone. Don't put yourself in her prison.

[x]

 

I read a few of the other responses, and a few things pointed out are very valid. Like, you said he lives with someone else, but you never mentioned if he is in love with the person. I disagree with Tony, I don't think you live with the person you love the most. Sometimes people live together for other reasons as well. What matters here is, is he IN LOVE WITH YOU? Some people tend to scratch the surface of an issue hoping to find some magical quick fix solution, and maybe that's what you are trying to do, but that's not going to work here. Who cares about him doting on you (twix), more importantly does HE want to wake up in your arms everyday? If so, why has four years gone by with no avail? Babe, the fact is you are not important enough to him to choose over his other partner. The other side of the coin is, she is not important enough to him, to drop you for her. So what's this guys problem? Two girls are needed to float his boat, or what? The reality is this- he is not happy inside,he realizes something somewhere inside of him is not fulfilled, and lacking. He is looking to fill that gap with you two women. The problem with this nice little triangle is that it is not going to remedy his situation, but rather put a "bandaid" on it. Now odviously you are looking for some solution so that you two can live happily ever after, unfortunately, you do not have the power to fix him. This man that you love has to want to do something to help himself, and after if he goes through the proper procedure to help himself, he may be capable of making selfless and moral decisions in his life which will in the end help him to be truly happy. Now as for you, what is the matter inside with you that you subject yourself to a situation such as this? Well almost the same thing goes for you- you need to do a bit of self evaluation. When you love yourself and have respect for yourself, you tend to look at the world a whole lot more clearly. It's like this; each of us are following life maps, and if you love and respect yourself you will be able to honestly perceive where you are on your map, and see in general where you are going. If you don't even like yourself, or respect who you are, chances are you are also going to be rather dishonest with yourself. Dishonestly puts you at a disadvantage. You will not be able to see where you are on your map and have troubles knowing where you are going.