Am i overreacting?

[navyguy11]

So this problem started a couple of weeks ago. My wife and i have been together for some time now and have a 6 month old son who we love dearly. I'm about to finish my college degree in less than a month and then going into the navy full time afterwards which means moving in a couple of months. My wife has never been away from her family that much besides being at school with me (school is only 2 and a half hours away from her home). Her dad recently went on vacation for two weeks out of the country and her and the baby went up there to stay and take care of the house while i stayed at school. I try to come up on the weekend to be with them, i miss them so much during the week. But since she has been up there she has started to change her behavior and the way she acts towards me. She has been remaking connections with some old friends one male and one female. The female friend isn't really a concern, the male friend on the other hand is. He recently asked if he could keep some of his ducks that he has at her dad's place and he agreed with it. He is still in high school and about to graduate as well.

 

The Problem:

Now onto the problem, it all started on spring break. i thought it would be a good chance for us to be able to spend time together without me being bogged down with school work. But she wanted to spend more time with her friend than with me, usually gone most of the day leaving me to take care of the baby the entire week "which wasn't much of a problem i love spending time with my son". but it became a problem when i decided to go outside and spend time with her she just kinda brushes me off and gets annoyed. I started to worry that something might be going on, when he comes over she would say that they are going out to check on his ducks but a hour and a half later i would go out to the barn and they would be on the hay stack talking, "it was innocent, she said that they used to do that all the time when she was in highschool" i asked her to stop hanging out in the barn and she understood that it didn't look good and she agreed. But it didn't end there she continued to spend more time with him.

 

After spring break she had to go back up to watch over her dad's house, the first week past and i came up that weekend, but i sensed something was wrong, i came up expecting us to spend time together, but she was continually txting him and her other friend the whole first night, i got upset and asked her what was going on? she got defensive and said nothing was going on and to drop it. Later on that night she tells me that she has lost her affection toward me for some time, since before she was pregnant, (as a side note, our sexual relationship used to be really good, and we could do basically what we wanted in bed, but i went too far a couple of times, i have learned from those mistakes and have changed my attitude since) but that she doesn't feel like having a close relationship since then and can't get over it. She said that she will never leave me because she doesn't believe in divorce and we have the responsibility to our son to be there for him as he grows up. She then at that time confesses to me that her male friend told her a couple weeks before that he has feelings for her, she doesn't feel the same way and that it had come up before when she was still in high school but nothing has come of it, and that her male friend wouldn't do anything out of respect for me. She also told me at that time that she was still going to hangout with him and talk to him, they txt all the time still and he even says good night to her right before each of them go to bed.

 

So since then she doesn't tell me her whole plans she is still up at her dad's house but when i last visited i asked if they had spent time together and she said not really, he friend has a new dance game that she has been playing and she tells me that she goes over to her female friends house who owns the game and that it's just her and her female friend, i went over there to play and her friend gave it away that her and her male friend have the high score. I asked about it afterwards and she got defensive again and said she forgot to mention it and it was impossible for her to remember every detail of her life. I tried to reason with her about my worries by saying that if we had switched places how would she would feel about this whole situation, she said that she would be pissed of and not talk to me, she also said that she knows she would ask like that but i shouldn't act like that/not allowed to act like that.

 

Now am i overreacting to the situation, what should i do? I love her more than anything in the world but when she says things like, "i'm going out with some of my friends, but i think you should stay her because i don't think you would fit in". or be more distant from me like not sit down next to me or talk to me a whole lot when her male friend is around, for example they both came in from checking on the ducks and i was sitting on the couch she would stand in the middle of the room or closer to him.

[navyguy11]

any advice would be greatly appreciated

[jiandan]

.. If you love her , please give her more time.

if you want , just do it

[navyguy11]

i'll wait as long as possible, but what do you mean by just do it???

[Kelemort]

You both sound as though you're very young, and I'm imagining that's playing quite a role here. I'd estimate you're between 22 and 24 and she's probably somewhere between 19 and 21 - and you're both married and with a child already. That's a lot of responsibility to handle.

 

Your son is still a newborn - is it possible your wife might have postpartum depression? You say she has been acting more distant and all. It could be a factor in this. That aside, she is a new mother and spending much of her time apart from you. That's probably breeding some resentment as she cares for your son. She's probably under a great deal of stress.

 

Now, you're in for a real problem here because she tells you she's not interested in you but that she doesn't believe in divorce. An environment like that is going to be far worse for your son than getting divorced. That aside, if you want to save your marriage - and more than just legally, but emotionally as well - you need to get things underway immediately.

 

Since she's acting disconnected from you, suggest couples or marital counseling. Start shopping around for counselors. If she agrees to go with you, great! If not, then you really need to talk to her and find out if there is resentment or anger that has caused her to emotionally separate from you. I doubt it's a case of "I just fell out of love."

 

And then you need to do some work as well. Do the two of you go on dates anymore, do anything romantic or surprising? Lots of couples fall into ruts. Arrange for a baby-sitter for your son for the weekend and take her to a cabin for the weekend. Take a day trip to the zoo with your son. Go see a movie, go bowling, rent a canoe (I don't know where you live - weather in Michigan has been beauuutiful lately), take her to an Italian restaurant, make dinner together.

 

I've heard of people doing this one as well - I've had friends use music composing programs on the computer, so they could hear the music they created as they composed. They then printed this out...and hired a string quartet (or they just got sheet music for songs they knew the beau liked) to play on the girlfriend or boyfriend's front lawn. Some have managed to get a half hour of playtime for about $100 to $200 for a decent quartet.

 

Obviously, some of these are big-budget suggestions considering that you're still in college - but that kind of pep is what keeps a relationship moving. I think that every couple should do something out of the ordinary, something special, from time-to-time. Get some of that giddy school girl excitement going in your wife again. Try new things together.

 

If I were you, I would approach her and ask if she is willing to spend 3 months working on your marriage. By that, I mean having fun - doing new things together. Letting go of past hurts/wrongs/distances. For 3 months, you're both going to pretend that you're newly in love, passionate about each other and willing to learn everything you can about each other. Sometimes, making your brain adapt in that way can help you overcome some troubles. And you may just find that when you first make a game of having fun, it'll become a habit and a new outlook for the rest of your relationship.

 

I wish you and your family the best of futures.