Understanding the mindset of the OM/OW and WS....

[OldOnTheInside]

So first off, I'll say that I'm a BS, never been a WS, nor have I (knowingly) been a OM. I'm just curious about the views and personalities of LSers that have entered (or been affected by) relationships (either in the past or present) that many would consider taboo or immoral.

 

So tell me about yourselves. Did you ever think that you would place yourself in this situation? Do you feel any empathy towards the BS or your/their family? Do you think you have a healthy R with the MM/MW or your own BS? Would you say that you are a "good person" overall? Do you have high or low self-esteem? Would you consider yourself to be a narcissist/sociopath/other personality disorder? Do you have a sexual addiction? Would you say that you have a strong moral center or a flexible one? How much pleasure do you get out of your affair(s)? Do you feel remorse for your actions? What's your opinion on love/marriage/romance? Are you happy with your choices? Would you do it all again?

 

Just any information like the above. Hopefully there won't be too much condemming or condoning in this thread.

[whichwayisup]

You've asked some fair questions, respectfully, so hopefully those who answer will give you the same respect back and your thread won't be derailed with not nice comments/accusations.

 

I hope you find what you're looking for.. Also, it might help you just to read some threads in this section.

[siuys]

So first off, I'll say that I'm a BS, never been a WS, nor have I (knowingly) been a OM. I'm just curious about the views and personalities of LSers that have entered (or been affected by) relationships (either in the past or present) that many would consider taboo or immoral.

 

So tell me about yourselves. Did you ever think that you would place yourself in this situation? Do you feel any empathy towards the BS or your/their family? Do you think you have a healthy R with the MM/MW or your own BS? Would you say that you are a "good person" overall? Do you have high or low self-esteem? Would you consider yourself to be a narcissist/sociopath/other personality disorder? Do you have a sexual addiction? Would you say that you have a strong moral center or a flexible one? How much pleasure do you get out of your affair(s)? Do you feel remorse for your actions? What's your opinion on love/marriage/romance? Are you happy with your choices? Would you do it all again?

 

Just any information like the above. Hopefully there won't be too much condemming or condoning in this thread.

 

First (and last) affair with a MM (who separated for 6 months out of the 13-month A). Will never consider another separated or married man. I was naive, and thought if his M was over, it was ok to proceed. Obviously he had a lot more baggage than I realised. I did consider his W, and did not want her to know (you can trash this view, but this was how I felt). There was no d-day and I have no intention of telling her although did consider it. He is out of my life now and I am not interested to be friends.

 

I am definitely a good person with high self esteem who thought xMM was leaving his M. I am not a sociopath or weirdo or did I enjoy my A. The A caused me more pain than my D years ago. I made it clear from day one that I am not going to be the OW. my mistake was i held on too long, and put up with his back and forth.

 

Do I feel remorse? No. Because my intention was not to be an OW and screw up someone's marriage or do it for fun or for satisfaction. I don't believe most OW do that. It was not fun and games. Far from it. No one likes to be in that situation. At the end of the day we all have to deal with the consequences of our actions. Sometimes it maybe easier to blame the OW and forget about MM's actions or what caused the A in the first place.

 

Lesson learnt. Move on.

[Kismetly]

So tell me about yourselves.

 

Why not! A kind of public self-flaggalation if I may ... I'm an xow, struggling to maintain no contact.

 

Did you ever think that you would place yourself in this situation?

Absolutely not. You're right, EMRs are taboo - and I've never even considered it. Interestingly, just before my affair started, I did have what I thought was the beginning of a relationship with a man - but turns out it was an EA and he was married ... as soon as I found out he was married, after he'd neglected to tell me that little detail for about a month, I dumped his sorry ar$e.

 

Do you feel any empathy towards the BS or your/their family?

I'm going to get beaten up for this ... but the thing is I don't know his spouse. I was able to maintain the affair because I didn't think about her. All I know about her is what he's told me, very little, we didn't talk about her. If the question is do I feel enough empathy not to screw her husband?- I guess the answer is no - if the question is do I empathise with the sort of pain she must be going through? As another woman, of course I do.

 

Do you think you have a healthy R with the MM/MW or your own BS?

I'm single. My relationship with xMM was a lot of things ... passionate, intimate, raw, stunningly connected - but very, very unhealthy.

 

Would you say that you are a "good person" overall?

I've thought about this a lot. I do consider myself a "good" person. I love my family, I contribute to my community, I've raised 4 children who weren't my own and I maintain loving and involved relationships with all of them. I care about the world and the people in it. I work hard for people who live in impoverished, marginalised and developing countries and am internationally successful at that career. I "do" a lot of good things. Was having an affair with a man in an otherwise committed relationship a "good" thing to do? No - obviously not.

 

Do you have high or low self-esteem?

My self esteem is currently pretty shattered. 12 months of loving someone you're not supposed to love will do that to you.

 

Would you consider yourself to be a narcissist/sociopath/other personality disorder?

I think I'm a little bit neurotic - but then who isn't? I'm not a narcississt or sociopath. I'm a woman who had poor boundaries and fell for a smooth line.

 

Do you have a sexual addiction?

You know I've wondered about this too. The sex I had with my affair partner was the most amazing of my life. I've wondered if all those boundaries I crossed take me into "sex addiction" territory. Here's my take on it ...I grew up, grew out of all those "nice-girls-don't" lessons that most women over 30 are still inhibited with. I had a partner who knew what he was doing, and I explored MY sexuality in a safe and intimate environment. No - I'm not a sex-addict, but gee my affair taught me about what I'd been missing in the bedroom.

 

Would you say that you have a strong moral center or a flexible one?

I always thought I had a very strong moral centre. My values are/were very important to me. Professionally and socially I maintain that strength ... obviously, I've been less consistant in my personal life to those values.

 

How much pleasure do you get out of your affair(s)?

Pleasure??? OMG. So much pleasure. Emotionally, intellectually, physically ... you don't stay in something so f'd up if you're not getting incredible amounts of pleasure. The kicker is that there is almost equal and consistent amounts of pain.

 

Do you feel remorse for your actions?

Nope. I'm sad. I'm bruised. I'm slowly rebuilding my life ... but I'm not remorseful. His marriage is down to him. He lied to me and told me he was separated in order to start the affair - I didn't tell that lie - he did. He didn't live with his family. I guess there's a school of thought that would advocate that as soon as I knew he was lying I should have had the self esteem and cognitive awareness to immediately end the affair ... but I didn't ... he had me in his manipulative, sensual, controlling little web by then.

 

What's your opinion on love/marriage/romance? Are you happy with your choices? Would you do it all again?

I want to believe in love/marriage/romance .... I really want to. I've been divorced for 6 years, and divorce hurt. I think the affair dynamic actually suited me, because I could maintain all my commitment issues - I didn't have to deal with them. I suspect I've still got some issues to deal with before I'm healthy enough to commit myself to a mature relationship.

 

Just any information like the above. Hopefully there won't be too much condemming or condoning in this thread.

 

The thing is, that no matter how generic the views here, people are all people, and all our experiences are different.

 

Cheers, K

[anne1707]

Former WS here (and BS too as my H had a very brief affair years before my 3 year affair)

 

Did you ever think that you would place yourself in this situation?

 

Of being a WS? absolutely no way. I never imagined myself doing something like that. It frustrates me so much when I hear people say "I will never be unfaithful" when criticising cheaters - I can promise you that I did not enter my marriage thinking the opposite to that.

 

Do you feel any empathy towards the BS or your/their family?

 

For my H, I have complete empathy. I saw the pain I caused him in the aftermath of Dday and it was horrible. But I was also aware of the potential pain before then but I just tried to bury my head further into the sand.

 

Do you think you have a healthy R with the MM/MW or your own BS?

 

I now have a very healthy relationship with my H. I never stopped loving him (contrary to what some may think) and thankfully we had some sturdy foundations to rebuild our marriage on

 

Would you say that you are a "good person" overall?

 

Absolutely. Yes.

 

Do you have high or low self-esteem?

 

A complete mix. In some aspects, I am very confident and aware of my strengths. In other aspects, I know I over-analyse, question, doubt. But I am much more aware of that side now after both IC and MC and will not allow those issues to eat away at me. I will speak up!

 

 

Would you consider yourself to be a narcissist/sociopath/other personality disorder? Do you have a sexual addiction?

 

No. And I think accusations of problems such as these are thrown around on LS too easily. I am not going to attempt to excuse what I did by giving it a name other than being a cake-eater.

 

 

Would you say that you have a strong moral center or a flexible one?

 

Yes to both. I have my own well defined moral values but I also recognise that I cannot impose these on others (other than widely accepted social norms)

 

How much pleasure do you get out of your affair(s)?

 

Extreme highs and extreme lows

 

Do you feel remorse for your actions?

 

Oh yes. I have gone through all the guilt but that is not a healthy state to remain in long term.

 

What's your opinion on love/marriage/romance? Are you happy with your choices? Would you do it all again?

 

I am totally happy with my choice. The marriage my H and I have now is so much better than it was in the period leading up to my affair and I am grateful for that. We lost sight of us and our both determined not to let that happen again.

 

Just any information like the above. Hopefully there won't be too much condemming or condoning in this thread.

 

We can only hope

[JadedAmore]

This should be interesting for me, as I've been both the BW and I've been the OW. I do feel I should include that my A occurred after my own marriage was over, so that never came into play.

 

So first off, I'll say that I'm a BS, never been a WS, nor have I (knowingly) been a OM. I'm just curious about the views and personalities of LSers that have entered (or been affected by) relationships (either in the past or present) that many would consider taboo or immoral.

 

Did you ever think that you would place yourself in this situation?

Never. This was my first involvement with a MM, and I am pretty sure I'd never do it again. I'd love to say never with 100% confidence, but I can't predict the future. I can just promise that I will everything in my power to ensure this type of pain and heartbreak (on both parties) doesn't happen again. I feel like I have to watch out for myself, since no one else obviously will.

 

Do you feel any empathy towards the BS or your/their family?

I don't know the BW. We spoke little of her, so at first it was rare for her to cross my mind. xMM was separated when our A took place, so I was under the assumption their M was over. Over time, I learned that he didn't know what he wanted and I couldn't handle the indecisiveness and the fog that I felt I was living in, so I walked away. No Dday for us.

 

Do you think you have a healthy R with the MM/MW or your own BS?

I realize now that my R with xMM was not healthy. We became so wrapped up in each other and it was such a chore to hide what was going on, that I displayed a lot of behavior I wouldn't dream of in a million years. No R on my behalf.

 

Would you say that you are a "good person" overall?

Yes, I thoroughly believe I am a good person. I know that myself, as well as probably most of the other OW/OM would not enter a relationship knowing the pain they are going to be causing the other parties involved. I'm saddened for what's happened, and I still do now know if BW is aware of what occurred or not, but I've let the situation lie and have been firm on maintaining NC.

 

Do you have high or low self-esteem?

I'm undecided on this. If I have low self-esteem, I would think that is contributed towards events that occurred within my own M, before the A occurred. I am a fBW, and I used to find myself wondering what it was Idid wrong, but I am sure now that it was not me, it was xH and his own baggage.

 

Would you consider yourself to be a narcissist/sociopath/other personality disorder?

No, and my doc doesn't seem to think so either.

 

Do you have a sexual addiction?

I won't lie, it's possible!

 

Would you say that you have a strong moral center or a flexible one?

Strong. I've not mentioned this, but after the A ended I was presented with an opportunity to have some 'fun' with another MM that was in town on business. I was quick to put that to a stop and explained to him that it did not seem right, especially knowing he had a wife and child at home. So do I have the power to say no, even if I am attracted? Absolutely.

 

How much pleasure do you get out of your affair(s)?

I was happy. I thought I was in a truly meaningful R, and did not think of it as an affair. But as time wore on and I opened my eyes and came to realize what was truly happening under my nose, the bliss wore off and it turned into stress.

 

Do you feel remorse for your actions?

Yes and no. Again, I was happy, and I know I made him happy. I don't regret the A, because it's allowed me to experience love that I craved and did not receive from my own M. I do feel sad for the BW, and wish circumstances would've been different.. that is where the no comes in. But, I cannot take it back and if I had the opportunity to do it over I probably wouldn't change my actions, this is something that I want to learn and grow from, which is what I'm working on now.

 

What's your opinion on love/marriage/romance?

I've got a pretty negative view on it. But, coming out of a failed M and a failed A, what can you expect? However, I'm hopeful.

 

Are you happy with your choices?

I'm not happy to be hurting, but I'm happy that I have come to realize that I can take these experiences and learn from them, and hopefully apply these lessons to any future R I might find myself in. I've decided that for now though, I'm going to work on me.

 

Would you do it all again?

I answered this above.

 

Just any information like the above. Hopefully there won't be too much condemming or condoning in this thread.

 

Hope this provides some insight!

[26pointblue]

I'm an OW who's MM is currently . . . separated . . . things are in limbo. I'll try to answer your questions as honestly as I can; perhaps it will help me understand myself better as well! My answers are in the bold part below.

 

[ I am sorry you are a BS. :-( ]

 

So first off, I'll say that I'm a BS, never been a WS, nor have I (knowingly) been a OM. I'm just curious about the views and personalities of LSers that have entered (or been affected by) relationships (either in the past or present) that many would consider taboo or immoral.

 

So tell me about yourselves. Did you ever think that you would place yourself in this situation?

 

"Ever"? I mean I didn't ever think I would be involved with a MM, no, until I met my MM. At some point yes I did realize I was placing myself in that situation but I went ahead anyway because the feelings were so powerful & I suppose I wanted to see what this was all about & what would come of it. It was the most powerful attraction ever & so I followed it - unwisely, I admit.

 

 

Do you feel any empathy towards the BS or your/their family?

 

Yes. My MM & I have had a lot of on-again, off-again's, & usually I broke it off with him in part because I felt so much guilt. I couldn't live with myself. I knew his family [mainly his wife - I had met his kids a couple times] before we started the affair so I was personally betraying her in addition to helping him betray her. We had a D-Day early on & it didn't help things knowing that she was trusting him to have reformed when we kept carrying on . . . so I did a back & forth dance with him where I would pull away from the guilt, he would chase me & I would be back in it. This last go-around, which was for a couple months before he just moved out recently, amazingly I didn't feel much guilt. I think I had to quash it to be able to really give him my all & believe in us. I didn't want to have any reason to let him go, & so I guess I gave myself excuses, such as, she knows about us but doesn't leave him so she should expect this, he loves me & wants to be with me so I can't worry about her, etc. I know these are horrible thoughts but those are what were going through my mind, at least sub-consciously I guess . . . some way to let myself do it & not feel bad about it. Then recently we had our last D-Day & she pretty much kicked him out & then I started to feel very guilty again, probably because for the first time ever I think, he started to feel guilty about her [he had always felt guilt about his kids] & so I went back to all those thoughts I used to have about how what we were doing was wrong for everyone - him, her, the kids, & me!

 

Do you think you have a healthy R with the MM/MW or your own BS?

 

No, I would say that affairs in general aren't healthy relationships & right now mine is about as unhealthy as it could be. I am really struggling to figure out what is best & make either the relationship or myself or hopefully both more healthy. Maybe that's impossible. [For the record I'm a single OW - I have no BS].

 

Would you say that you are a "good person" overall?

 

I don't know. I haven't been acting like a 'good person' for a very long time. I do think I have good qualities & I genuinely care about people but I don't know how a good person could be as selfish as I have been. Hurting other people because I love him.

 

Do you have high or low self-esteem?

 

I don't know. ? I suppose in the past it's been low but ironically it has gotten higher as I've been learning to own my actions & decisions & figuring out what I really want in a relationship, whether it's with MM or someone else down the road. There have been times where this has just about crushed me so I have had to focus on myself, on my strengths & good qualities, & on improving my life because MM is so conflicted. I've learned that I can't rely on anyone [especially not MM] to bring me happiness, but I have to find happiness for myself. So maybe it's twisted thinking but I really feel like this whole thing has raised my self-esteem, although maybe not enough because I still allow my emotions to depend on what MM does or doesn't do; I still give him too much power & control over me. So I'm working on it. I would say right now it is average - not low or high.

 

Would you consider yourself to be a narcissist/sociopath/other personality disorder?

 

No. I think I have some depression which is genetic & which varies in intensity with my circumstances. Honestly I will admit that being with MM helps me because I'm not depressed with him, I'm happy. That's why I was a 'happy' OW - I got all the pleasure from being around him with very little drawbacks [but I knew it couldn't last forever & was gathering strength to leave in the event that he couldn't leave his wife]. And even with all of this mess going on, I guess it's a diversion from my thoughts & I would rather be with him & depressed than without him & depressed in a different [worse] way. I've thought about this a lot, how it's almost like a drug or a diversion . . . but I also feel that I truly love him.

 

Do you have a sexual addiction?

 

No. I like sex, most specifically I like sex with MM, but I've never thought of myself as a sex addict. [i'm not even sure I know what that is.] I will say that sex is a powerful bond between MM & me - it is just absolutely perfect, but at the same time, we have a very strong emotional bond as well.

 

Would you say that you have a strong moral center or a flexible one?

 

I guess flexible! Because all of this goes against my 'morals' but in the name of love, &/or some other powerful force, I have been swayed.

 

How much pleasure do you get out of your affair(s)?

 

This has changed . . . for most of the affair I had such ups & downs, & when the pain overrode the pleasure I had to get out. For that time period recently before he left, I was very happy & had almost all pleasure. I had missed him very much, realized how strong our bond was & how much I loved him, & that at least for now I would rather have him in my life than not have him. Now that all of this has gone down I still get pleasure from being with him, but it's more pain than pleasure for sure, & I am only here because I don't want to bail on what I believe could turn into a real relationship with someone I have this level of passion, chemistry, connection with . . . I am going through this knowing I must give it my all, & if we end up together, great, if not, I will have closure. To me that knowledge makes the pain worth it but only temporarily.

 

Do you feel remorse for your actions?

 

Yes, but I guess not enough to stop. Although at this point I don't know that stopping would help anything, since his wife appears to be totally done with him. In the past I have felt remorse & stopped. Then I didn't feel remorse & I didn't stop. Now I feel remorse but am trying to work through it [as I think he is, too.]

 

What's your opinion on love/marriage/romance?

 

I believe in love. I like romance. I'm not sure about marriage. I don't know if some people are meant to be monogamous forever.

 

Are you happy with your choices? Would you do it all again?

 

I am happy with my decision to let myself love him. I have never given myself to someone or something completely, until recently with MM. I am glad to have this feeling & experience. I'm not happy it hurt other people or that everything is such a mess. Even when things feel horrible I am quite certain I would do it again, because otherwise I never would have shared this with him. No matter what happens I will not regret the time we spent together & I won't regret giving my heart to him. It's just a matter of getting it back & picking up the pieces if he doesn't get divorced. But I won't begrudge him because this was my choice & I knew the risks. I didn't realize that earlier on in our affair & that is one of the things I learned about owning my own decisions. I decided to let myself love him with everything I have, & I don't regret that & no matter how things turn out I hope I will remember that feeling, that reason why I did it.

 

Just any information like the above. Hopefully there won't be too much condemming or condoning in this thread.

 

I hope I've helped. Best regards.

[BB07]

So first off, I'll say that I'm a BS, never been a WS, nor have I (knowingly) been a OM. I'm just curious about the views and personalities of LSers that have entered (or been affected by) relationships (either in the past or present) that many would consider taboo or immoral.

 

So tell me about yourselves.

XOW here.....out of the affair for 9 months.

 

Did you ever think that you would place yourself in this situation?

 

No.....I would not knowingly date a MM. Our first go around was in 2004, he said they had separated. He told me a few months later that he had to go back to the marriage, (made up a few really good lies) but that he would not stay. I continued to see him for 1 yr plus after that I'm ashamed to say, although it was not sexual. I did walk eventually because I could not deal with it anymore. We kept in touch sparingly through the next few years, nothing improper and then in Jan of 2008 he suddenly tells me that he has moved out. I don't take it that seriously because I was ending a relationship I was in and I do not want a repeat of last time, so we don't start dating till he was 9 months into his separation.

 

I didn't find out until 9 months ago that that he lied about both separations and was living a double life, seeing me during the week and living at home with his wife on the weekends. (He worked away from home during the week and had a apt there and he covered the weekends with me by lying about a supposed 2nd job). Just a few of the thousands of lies told to me and his wife.

 

 

Do you feel any empathy towards the BS or your/their family?

 

I did feel empathy for the BS but not enough to walk away and I rationalized what I was doing even though I knew it was wrong. Of course the lies he fed me about her and about their marriage made it a lot easier for me to do that but ultimately it's on me and I own it. The BS and I ended up having several conversations when the truth came out to both of us and it was then that I fully realized the hurt and pain that I had helped to inflict on someone else. I will always regret my part in it but I did my best to make amends if that is possible because I gave her the truth for every question she asked me which is what she wanted......the truth. She was nothing but kind and gracious to me and she realized that we both had been played for fools.

 

Do you think you have a healthy R with the MM/MW or your own BS?

 

I see clearly now what was cloudy then and I see that it was a relationship that would not have worked. Even if you took the affair aspect out of it and the liar he was out of it, he and I were not right for each other. He pretended to be something he was not and the real him was not right for me.

 

Would you say that you are a "good person" overall?

 

I'm not evil and in many ways I'm a good person. I'm just now getting to a place of forgiveness of myself. I'm not there yet but I'm working on it but I can not let this mistake define me for the rest of my life as a bad/evil woman. This affair is NOT the sum of me even though I failed myself by going against my beliefs and my morals.

 

Do you have high or low self-esteem?

 

In some ways my self esteem is normal and in some ways it's not.

 

 

Would you consider yourself to be a narcissist/sociopath/other personality disorder?

 

No personality disorders although I had a very difficult childhood. My father was a serial cheater and a alcoholic and he molested me in my teens. He and my mother went back and forth for several years and I think the back and forth did the most damage.

 

Do you have a sexual addiction?

 

No.......but I do have some qualities of a love addict but not enough to pass the taste with flying colors. Right now I'm not in a relationship and I have no desire to be in another until and if I find myself feeling better able to discern healthy vs not healthy. I'm proud of myself......it's really the 1st time in many years that I have been completely with a man.

 

Would you say that you have a strong moral center or a flexible one?

 

My morals are stronger now than ever before and I now realize what having good boundaries means.

 

How much pleasure do you get out of your affair(s)?

 

It was not worth it....the pain I have caused to myself and others will always haunt me.

 

Do you feel remorse for your actions?

 

Absolutely!

 

What's your opinion on love/marriage/romance?

 

Very cynical and I'm not sure I will ever give anyone a chance to get close to me again.

 

Are you happy with your choices? Would you do it all again?

 

I'm happy it's behind me and it's getting more distant all the time. Hell NO on doing it again, never, ever!

 

Just any information like the above. Hopefully there won't be too much condemming or condoning in this thread.

 

BTW.......did you reconcile with your spouse and how are things for you now?

[OldOnTheInside]

It is interesting to hear all of your opinions everyone, seems to be some curious similarities between many of the OWs here. Hopefully you've become stronger people through your experiences.

 

To answer your question BB07, I've actually been divorced for nearly 5 years now. The main reason I opened this thread is because my line of work is centered around the support and understanding of married couples. It is just interesting to see the similarities and differences between the people here, and the clients I work with IRL.

[MorningCoffee]

Did you ever think that you would place yourself in this situation?

 

I had such permeable boundaries that with a few facts to use as justification to myself (her M is crap, she's on her way out anyway, we were friends and slid into an emotional affair gradually and that lasted nearly a year before we declared our feelings for each other and the PA commenced), I had my eyes wide open that I was entering an affair. If I'd been asked before I met MW if I'd enter an affair, I'd have said he** no. But there it is.

 

 

Do you feel any empathy towards the BS or your/their family?

Yes, I felt bad sometimes for her BH, but to be honest, I felt a boost of male competitiveness, as in "all's fair in love and war" and "if he can't keep his woman, that's his lookout, not mine." Not healthy at all.

Do you think you have a healthy R with the MM/MW or your own BS?

I am single, so no BS on my side, thankfully. No, the relationship with MW was definitely not healthy. In fact, I remember as the pain set in, thinking, "oh, so THIS is what is meant when people talk about an 'unhealthy' relationship."

 

Would you say that you are a "good person" overall?

Yes.

 

Do you have high or low self-esteem?

Aside from the challenges inherent in re-entering the dating world after the end of a very long M due to my W's passing away, which can occasionally bring me up short and wondering WTF? I would say my self-esteem is generally just fine. The A dynamic definitely messed with it, as the longing for what could not be just produced an endless supply of downer feelings. A secret A is very hard on self-esteem, at least for me, in large part because I am used to being proactive and the constraints on communicating and openly seeing MW made me feel emasculated.

 

Would you consider yourself to be a narcissist/sociopath/other personality disorder? Do you have a sexual addiction?

No, and No.

 

Would you say that you have a strong moral center or a flexible one?

Mostly no problem maintaining a strong moral center in all areas of life, but see that I bent the rules quite a bit for the purpose of the affair. A learning experience, and a painful one.

 

How much pleasure do you get out of your affair(s)?

When it was good, it was like the sun rising every day within that relationship . . . warm, nurturing, energetic, and hot! When it was bad, the pain was worse than any other emotional experience I have had.

 

Do you feel remorse for your actions?

Not really. I recall a conversation where we each admitted to feeling bad that we had not treated each other well enough, because we had let ourselves fall in love while she was still M. And felt bad about all the pain that goes around to others as a consequence of acting on those feelings. But as I have said before, I would not have missed loving her and having her love me for the world.

 

What's your opinion on love/marriage/romance? Are you happy with your choices? Would you do it all again?

I continue to expect to find love again. Marriage a maybe, at my age most folks can have a lot of reasons they would not marry again, and I have a few of my own. But I can imagine the right circumstances and then yes, marriage would be fine. Romance? Definitely. Would I do it ALL again? No. No married or separated women for me, period.

[spacehopper]

i waited 5 years to be with mm,did i feel guilty,at first yes but after she found out many many times and used her kids as weapons to hold him there the guilt soon dissapeared,she knew what we were doing every time she took him back butstill continued to use her kids but now they are older and can make their own minds up she has lost that hold and control she had,i didnt make him leave her he chose it because i knew if i tried to force it he would resent me for it,we are together and happy now and i would do it all over again if i had to

[pureinheart]

So first off, I'll say that I'm a BS, never been a WS, nor have I (knowingly) been a OM. I'm just curious about the views and personalities of LSers that have entered (or been affected by) relationships (either in the past or present) that many would consider taboo or immoral.

 

So tell me about yourselves. Did you ever think that you would place yourself in this situation? Do you feel any empathy towards the BS or your/their family? Do you think you have a healthy R with the MM/MW or your own BS? Would you say that you are a "good person" overall? Do you have high or low self-esteem? Would you consider yourself to be a narcissist/sociopath/other personality disorder? Do you have a sexual addiction? Would you say that you have a strong moral center or a flexible one? How much pleasure do you get out of your affair(s)? Do you feel remorse for your actions? What's your opinion on love/marriage/romance? Are you happy with your choices? Would you do it all again?

 

Just any information like the above. Hopefully there won't be too much condemming or condoning in this thread.

 

Based on (bold) the first paragragh, I would say you have experience with LS;).

 

I don't believe that A's are the "unpardonable sin", nor do I class people as "good" or "bad", as we all fall short, and not one of us is above reproach.

 

I don't believe that AP's woke up one morning and said, "hummmm, I don't have anything better to do today, so I think I will become an AP". It doesn't work that way. There are many reasons why A's occur. The most common IMO is the breakdown of the M.

 

I've been on all sides of the triangle, mostly on the betrayed side of which I take my portion of being "betrayed", meaning I contributed to the breakdown of the R.

 

I would say I am a "person", trying to do the best in this life that I can, no more or less than anyone else.

 

In my case I would ask most of these questions to the BS. The BS I dealt with was extremely narcisisstic, and had some major personality disorders.

[pureinheart]

It is interesting to hear all of your opinions everyone, seems to be some curious similarities between many of the OWs here. Hopefully you've become stronger people through your experiences.

 

To answer your question BB07, I've actually been divorced for nearly 5 years now. The main reason I opened this thread is because my line of work is centered around the support and understanding of married couples. It is just interesting to see the similarities and differences between the people here, and the clients I work with IRL.

 

So you are a therapist, psychologist or psychiatrist? I don't understand how the questions you asked would be revelant in your line of work. It seems to be much more beneficial to pose similar questions in the infidelity section of this forum.

[donnamaybe]

So you are a therapist, psychologist or psychiatrist? I don't understand how the questions you asked would be revelant in your line of work. It seems to be much more beneficial to pose similar questions in the infidelity section of this forum.

I think one might find more BS in the infidelity section. The OP was looking for OM/OW and WS.

[OldOnTheInside]

Based on (bold) the first paragragh, I would say you have experience with LS;).

 

I don't believe that A's are the "unpardonable sin", nor do I class people as "good" or "bad", as we all fall short, and not one of us is above reproach.

 

I don't believe that AP's woke up one morning and said, "hummmm, I don't have anything better to do today, so I think I will become an AP". It doesn't work that way. There are many reasons why A's occur. The most common IMO is the breakdown of the M.

 

I've been on all sides of the triangle, mostly on the betrayed side of which I take my portion of being "betrayed", meaning I contributed to the breakdown of the R.

 

I would say I am a "person", trying to do the best in this life that I can, no more or less than anyone else.

 

In my case I would ask most of these questions to the BS. The BS I dealt with was extremely narcisisstic, and had some major personality disorders.

 

That is an interesting answer Pure. I can see your POV. Actually, you've reminded me of a relevant quote. Tell me what you think...

 

"There are two sides to every story, no black and white situations, no good and evil, no absolute morality. We are all human beings. Nobody is perfect, we are all flawed."

 

"I agree, some of us just happen to be more flawed than others."

[Summer Breeze]

So first off, I'll say that I'm a BS, never been a WS, nor have I (knowingly) been a OM. I'm just curious about the views and personalities of LSers that have entered (or been affected by) relationships (either in the past or present) that many would consider taboo or immoral.

 

So tell me about yourselves. Did you ever think that you would place yourself in this situation?

I was a BS in my 20s and an OW in my 40s. I never expected to be either.

 

Do you feel any empathy towards the BS or your/their family?

I feel sorry for someone whose spouse or partner cheats on them. Do I feel sorry for my involvement in the A-no. He made himself available to me and that was his choice not mine. I didn't chase him and I told him to not start something he wasn't ready for because the ultimate decision as to whether it continued or not was his. I could have walked away and if he chose to he could have found someone else. FYI I felt the same as a BS. My H had the A and the OW wasn't remotely a concern to me.

 

Do you think you have a healthy R with the MM/MW or your own BS?

I had a wonderful R with xMM. I know most As are 95% for the MP but I had as much control as he did. There were things I wouldn't tolerate and I never gave in to him. If I had then it would have been very different.

 

Would you say that you are a "good person" overall? Do you have high or low self-esteem? Would you consider yourself to be a narcissist/sociopath/other personality disorder?

I am a very good person. My xHs OW (now W) is a good person. I have never had a problem with self esteem. No/No/No.

 

Do you have a sexual addiction?

No I personally think that's bunk but that's my opinion and mine only. I love sex but I wouldn't compromise myself for it.

 

Would you say that you have a strong moral center or a flexible one?

I have a very strong moral center.

 

How much pleasure do you get out of your affair(s)?

I love my xMM with all of my heart and I loved every moment of it. If he were in a different circumstance I have no doubt it would ende different but he wasn't. I have so few bad memories and moments I have to stop and think about them.

 

Do you feel remorse for your actions?

Not in the least

 

 

What's your opinion on love/marriage/romance? Are you happy with your choices? Would you do it all again?

I refuse to settle because I know full well romance is alive and well. My M and my A were the two most wonderful Rs I had. I won't settle for less than what they were. I'll be alone forever before I will. I would not start up now with him because I know ultimately it won't work. If I could go back and warn myself about it I wouldn't. I'd lose too many wonderful memories and moments.

 

Just any information like the above. Hopefully there won't be too much condemming or condoning in this thread.

 

This probably sounds really flip but it isn't. I have a clear view of As and its grounded in my experience as a BS. My H cheated. Plain and simple if he hadn't cheated there would be no A so what is all the fuss about who it was with? That's my feelings on it.

[OldOnTheInside]

So you are a therapist, psychologist or psychiatrist? I don't understand how the questions you asked would be revelant in your line of work. It seems to be much more beneficial to pose similar questions in the infidelity section of this forum.

 

This isn't for a academic study or anything. Like I said, I'm just interested in your views...

[pureinheart]

That is an interesting answer Pure. I can see your POV. Actually, you've reminded me of a relevant quote. Tell me what you think...

 

"There are two sides to every story, no black and white situations, no good and evil, no absolute morality. We are all human beings. Nobody is perfect, we are all flawed."

 

"I agree, some of us just happen to be more flawed than others."

 

In bold, yes, and there can be contributing factors concerning the "flawed" and how they got there.

 

Well, I really believe there are two sides...and also there are absolutes, what is right and what is wrong (IMO). What I consider to be right and wrong may not be anothers.

 

I strongly believe in redemption, as humans we will fail.

[pureinheart]

I think one might find more BS in the infidelity section. The OP was looking for OM/OW and WS.

 

This is true.

[fooled once]

So first off, I'll say that I'm a BS, never been a WS, nor have I (knowingly) been a OM. I'm just curious about the views and personalities of LSers that have entered (or been affected by) relationships (either in the past or present) that many would consider taboo or immoral.

 

So tell me about yourselves.

 

**I was one involved with a MM...many, many years ago. I was already divorced from my first H when I met the MM.

 

Did you ever think that you would place yourself in this situation?

 

**No, never in a zillion years would I have ever thought I would be involved with someone who was married. He was separated - living on his own - for a year (when I met him) and then moved back in with his wife.

 

Do you feel any empathy towards the BS or your/their family?

 

**At the time? No. I was told by him that the marriage was over, she didn't understand him, blah blah blah -- same lines most MM use. Today - I do feel empathy for any BS because what is done to them is wrong on so many levels - and both affair people play a part in the hurt and destruction they cause. The spouse for being a cheater and the affair partner for sleeping with someone else's spouse.

 

Do you think you have a healthy R with the MM/MW or your own BS?

 

**My answer is past tense - at the time, yes, I thought we had a great relationship. Now, I see it for what it was - manipulation at its finest!

 

Would you say that you are a "good person" overall?

 

**I have been told I am a very caring and compassionate person - very loyal, very dedicated. I have opinions and I am not shy about expressing them.

 

Do you have high or low self-esteem?

 

**Depends - in regards to being a wife? A mother? A daughter? An employee? A friend? I think I am fantastic at my job, I did the best I could as a parent and I have learned to become a great partner.

 

Would you consider yourself to be a narcissist/sociopath/other personality disorder?

 

**No

Do you have a sexual addiction?

 

**No lol

 

Would you say that you have a strong moral center or a flexible one?

 

**Very strong one.

 

How much pleasure do you get out of your affair(s)?

 

**At the time - hard to say. The good times were really good, the bad times were not good.

 

Do you feel remorse for your actions?

 

**Completely!

 

What's your opinion on love/marriage/romance?

 

**I am very happily married to the most wonderful man in the world We have a very passionate and loving relationship. I could die tomorrow and die happily knowing I have loved and been loved by the most perfect person for me.

Are you happy with your choices?

 

** Yes, I am very happy I ended the affair and even happier I met and married my H.

 

Would you do it all again?

 

**No.

 

Just any information like the above. Hopefully there won't be too much condemming or condoning in this thread.

 

Responses above in bold

[OWoman]

So first off, I'll say that I'm a BS, never been a WS, nor have I (knowingly) been a OM. I'm just curious about the views and personalities of LSers that have entered (or been affected by) relationships (either in the past or present) that many would consider taboo or immoral.

 

So tell me about yourselves.

 

I'm a fOW, now M to my fMM, and blissfully happy some years down the line.

 

Did you ever think that you would place yourself in this situation?

 

I grew up with antipathy for M. I had never seen a happy M, and was opposed to them for ideological reasons, so never considered M status as an indicator of availability or suitability either way, the same way I never considered someone's race or ethnicity to be a factor in whether or not they were available or suitable for such purposes.

 

Do you feel any empathy towards the BS or your/their family?

 

The BW was not someone I could empathise with. The kids, and the extended family, I have (and had, back then) a strong R with. I have great Rs with my own kids too.

 

Do you think you have a healthy R with the MM/MW or your own BS?

 

Absolutely! We have both been M before, and know how bad things can get. We prioritise our R, take care with each other and with ourselves, and make sure that we do not get lazy or complacent in the M.

 

Would you say that you are a "good person" overall?

 

Absolutely! I make a point of adding more goodness and light to the world than I extract.

 

Do you have high or low self-esteem?

 

My self-esteem is very healthy. I am confident of my place in the universe, and of the rights and responsibilities that endows.

 

Would you consider yourself to be a narcissist/sociopath/other personality disorder?

 

I am very sane and well-balanced, and have the test results to prove it

 

Do you have a sexual addiction?

 

No. My H and I both have healthy libidos and enjoy sex very much, but enjoyment is not addiction. I am not willing to allow anything else control over me or my life.

 

Would you say that you have a strong moral center or a flexible one?

 

Very strong! I have strong principles and stand up for them in every situation. I have risked my life, my job, even friends and other Rs because my principles matter so much to me. To me, an inauthentic life is not worth living.

 

How much pleasure do you get out of your affair(s)?

 

A great deal, and a lot more than mere pleasure. I learned so much, made many new friends and gained new family, and experienced so many things I would otherwise never have had the opportunity to experience.

 

Do you feel remorse for your actions?

 

I have no need. I have not violated my principles.

 

What's your opinion on love/marriage/romance?

 

I learned that love does exist, and that M can be happy, and that romance is not just a Hollywood fairytale, through my A.

 

Are you happy with your choices?

 

Extremely.

 

Would you do it all again?

 

in a heartbeat.

 

Just any information like the above. Hopefully there won't be too much condemming or condoning in this thread.