Little Bird Posted April 11, 2011 Share Posted April 11, 2011 To make a long story short, my dad had a DUI, and he's hiring a lawyer to fight it. The cost for it is going to be a few grand, and he's already owing a lot of money for the mortgage. I'm graduating from college at the end of the month, but I've saved a lot of money, and although he probably won't accept my money, should I offer to help? We are in a bad situation, and my dad is looking to sell our house and move out to a place we can rent instead to help his debt. Also, I want to move out on my own soon, but I feel like to do so would be kind of an act of betrayal, as my younger sister thinks I'm being selfish and not being responsible for not doing anything to help. Basically, when I found out about his fender bender and DUI, I refused to help him deal with it because I was stressed out over final exams and papers and basically ignored him. The whole situation is making me really depressed. Link to post Share on other sites
NoMagicBullet Posted April 17, 2011 Share Posted April 17, 2011 I don't think you're obligated to help under these circumstances. You've been going to college, saving money to move out -- it sounds like you are being responsible in working toward being financially independent of your family. Then there's your dad. He's the one who acted irresponsibly by drinking and driving and made the decision to hire the lawyer to fight it. It would be a different if he'd been laid off from work or something else happened beyond his control, but he made a stupid choice and now he's facing the consequences of it. On that basis, I think you should not help him -- he wants to spend the money to fight the DUI and affect the family living situation. You shouldn't have to clean up his mess. As for your younger sister saying you are selfish, does she have any money saved or income from a job that she is contributing? Why does she think you have to pay for Dad's bad choices? Your money is yours, and if you want to help your dad & sister, there's nothing wrong with that. But under the circumstances, you are not selfish if you want to use that money to move out and take care of your own financial needs. Link to post Share on other sites
january2011 Posted April 17, 2011 Share Posted April 17, 2011 On the one hand, he's your dad and you really only get one. On the other hand, as an adult, he needs to take responsibility for his own actions and your bailing him out may not be the best thing for him in the long-term. You may also find that as the 'responsible one' you will always be guilted into bailing him out and you'll never be able to get on with your own life. Your sister's opinion is not really relevant, since it's your money, it's your decision. When it's her money, she can make the the decision. Until then, she doesn't get a say. I suggest following whichever course of action that will lead you to experience the least amount of regret. Otherwise, a compromise may be to contribute some of your money but not all of it and suggest that your sister does the same. Link to post Share on other sites
2sunny Posted April 17, 2011 Share Posted April 17, 2011 NO! do not help! if you take away his consequences he's likely to just do it again... if you allow him to own his bad behavior and have him be responsible for it all - not you - then he's less likely to do it again. i know a guy 55 years old... keeps getting DUI's... adult son keeps paying his bail and court fees - the Dad just keeps going out and doing the same thing over and over... he's gonna kill someone. i wish his son would quit taking away his consequences. he might have learned how to suffer a bit from his bad behavior and not keep driving when he drinks. i also wish he'd just plead guilty when he KNOWS he did it. Link to post Share on other sites
betterdeal Posted April 17, 2011 Share Posted April 17, 2011 Why do you feel the need to give him money? Link to post Share on other sites
Goldenspoon Posted April 17, 2011 Share Posted April 17, 2011 Why do you feel the need to give him money? Maybe because the OP has been living under the father's roof ALL his childhood and all his adulthood. Link to post Share on other sites
Feelin Frisky Posted April 17, 2011 Share Posted April 17, 2011 I'm just curious, did your dad pay for college or have you put yourself through on your own? I find it interesting that someone in college has enough capital to think he or she can make a difference in a parent's legal problems. Please don't take this as rhetorical--I'm just really curious. I had no privilege at all when I was young and my parents couldn't afford college for me as a thought much less an expense--I had seven younger siblings. I had to do it all on my own over many years of toil and never had the money to think I could pay off a parent's lawyer for such an indiscretion. No need to give the detail I have about myself--I wonder though if he has worked to put you through school at all and you've made some fortune on your own if it wouldn't be fair to help him now. Link to post Share on other sites
carhill Posted April 17, 2011 Share Posted April 17, 2011 OP, I remember you. Finish up college and get established in life and *then* consider sharing what seems to be a generous nature with loved ones. I've found that, generally, people only approach or insinuate they need help (financial help) when they sense you're open to that dynamic. If I've read your threads right, you must be sending signals out there that you are available financially to 'help', or, alternatively, have extreme Hoovers in your life. Most lawyers offer flexible payment plans and take credit cards. Dad will be fine. Perhaps he can divert his alcohol budget to lawyer fees. Suggest that to him Link to post Share on other sites
Tayla Posted April 17, 2011 Share Posted April 17, 2011 carhill nailed it in a diplomatic way. When the shoe is on the other foot, and a teen comes home with a dui, a decent parent would hold them accountable and take away priveledges. Same dynamics hold true in the adult world. In this matter the "parent" needs to be a positive role model after this inappropriate incident. to Goldenspoon- Get real. Link to post Share on other sites
Goldenspoon Posted April 19, 2011 Share Posted April 19, 2011 to Goldenspoon- Get real. No, you get real! Link to post Share on other sites
SoleMate Posted April 19, 2011 Share Posted April 19, 2011 (edited) No, don't bail him out. He has to hit bottom to start fixing his life, and when you enable, you prevent that healing. You also throw your scarce $$$ down a bottomless pit. DUI business (lawyers, fines, impound fees, civil liability, insurance hike, ???) can burn through cash way faster than any university you ever have attended or will attend. Edited April 19, 2011 by SoleMate sp Link to post Share on other sites
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dreamingoftigers Posted April 20, 2011 Share Posted April 20, 2011 Well, it's always good to get the Russian opinions on things I guess... DO NOT HELP HIM. He has to help himself. Seriously. Link to post Share on other sites
dreamingoftigers Posted April 20, 2011 Share Posted April 20, 2011 I have done the "help my parents out" thing. Just don't do it, you can never do enough.... Link to post Share on other sites
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