TMCM Posted April 11, 2011 Share Posted April 11, 2011 Granted that if a WS truly loved his/her BS he/she would never had betrayed him/her. Since I'm a firm believer in the old saying 'actions speak louder than words', no act on the part of the WS speaks louder than filing for divorce with the purpose of helping his BS to speed up his/her personal recovery and possibly find happiness with another. Sadly this is rarely the case. Link to post Share on other sites
WorldIsYours Posted April 11, 2011 Share Posted April 11, 2011 Granted that if a WS truly loved his/her BS he/she would never had betrayed him/her. Since I'm a firm believer in the old saying 'actions speak louder than words', no act on the part of the WS speaks louder than filing for divorce with the purpose of helping his BS to speed up his/her personal recovery and possibly find happiness with another. Sadly this is rarely the case. It's actually good for the BS. They can find someone better and the WS can continue being a hooker:lmao: and a problem for their OM/OW or someone else. Link to post Share on other sites
PegNosePete Posted April 11, 2011 Share Posted April 11, 2011 No, a WS files for divorce to help speed their own personal recovery and relationship with their AP. The fact that it helps the BS is an added bonus but that is not the reason they do it at all. Link to post Share on other sites
Spark1111 Posted April 11, 2011 Share Posted April 11, 2011 Granted that if a WS truly loved his/her BS he/she would never had betrayed him/her. Since I'm a firm believer in the old saying 'actions speak louder than words', no act on the part of the WS speaks louder than filing for divorce with the purpose of helping his BS to speed up his/her personal recovery and possibly find happiness with another. Sadly this is rarely the case. IF the WS was TRULY concerned of the welfare of the spouse, they would file for divorce BEFORE they had the affair. Sadly, they want both the AP and the spouse. When DDay hits, many a WS beg to return home, throwing the AP under the bus and crying to reconcile. Even if they had admitted to unhappiness in the marriage and attraction to another, separation could have been discussed. But the last thing many a WS seems to want is to allow their spouse the same perks of dating to see if they could find someone to make them as happy as the AP is making the WS! Selfish, selfish, selfish! Forget the self-entitlement of affairs, or the finality of divorce in this discussion.... Why do so many cheaters not request to separate from a spouse? While hurtful, it would garner so much more respect for the WS in at least being truthful. Link to post Share on other sites
Author TMCM Posted April 12, 2011 Author Share Posted April 12, 2011 No, a WS files for divorce to help speed their own personal recovery and relationship with their AP. The fact that it helps the BS is an added bonus but that is not the reason they do it at all. You are correct and that is why I said 'sadly that is rarely the case'. Though I do believe that there are WS who do eventually realize the devastation they brought on to their spouse and family, although too late to be of any meaningful significance. IF the WS was TRULY concerned of the welfare of the spouse, they would file for divorce BEFORE they had the affair. Sadly, they want both the AP and the spouse. When DDay hits, many a WS beg to return home, throwing the AP under the bus and crying to reconcile. Even if they had admitted to unhappiness in the marriage and attraction to another, separation could have been discussed. But the last thing many a WS seems to want is to allow their spouse the same perks of dating to see if they could find someone to make them as happy as the AP is making the WS! Selfish, selfish, selfish! Forget the self-entitlement of affairs, or the finality of divorce in this discussion.... Why do so many cheaters not request to separate from a spouse? While hurtful, it would garner so much more respect for the WS in at least being truthful. Probably cowardice. They are so dependent on another human being for their validation that many are terrified to be without a partner. Just look at what happens when the OP - who they were so sure was their 'soul mate' - dumps them out of the blue for another and they then come back crawling back to their BS asking for forgiveness and a chance to 'work on the marriage'. I've yet to encounter one FWS who realized that to insist on remaining married to his/her BS, would be condemning him/her to a slow, torturous, and dubious personal recovery, and made the choice to divorce his/her BS so that he/she could heal much faster and have a chance of finding someone who would never betray him/her like he/she did. One last unselfish act among the many selfish acts that preceded it. Only in a perfect world I guess. Link to post Share on other sites
JadedAmore Posted April 12, 2011 Share Posted April 12, 2011 As a BW, I don't think my xH filing would've made my recovery any easier. I actually stuck around, and suffered for years. So many As happened right under my nose, and it makes me sick to think of how long.. and more importantly, why I stuck around. I tried, time and time again to forgive and move on, I suggested therapy and he would get irate and insist we don't need others meddling in our lives. Perhaps he just didn't want me to uncover the truth.. that he was still out 'cake eating.' In the end, I'm glad that I was the one who got to make the decision to walk away. I had control over the D, and felt more relief than sadness when the divorce was finally over with. Bottom line is, as mentioned... if the WS really cared, they would leave before the A occurred. It would hurt to know your M is not able to be salvaged, but not as much as knowing they went to someone else out of their own selfishness. Link to post Share on other sites
blizzard Posted April 12, 2011 Share Posted April 12, 2011 (edited) I asked for a divorce. My husband wanted to stall. We seperated. I met someone. It was full fledge adultery in his eyes. And it was. I wish now I could change what I did. Involving a third party was the stupidest thing I could have ever done. My husband then accused me of wanting the divorce because he believed that I was having this affair during that time...well, he was wrong. It has been nearly a yr since I have seen OM. And I still plan to file for the divorce. My husband wanted to reconcile. I did not want to reconcile. I made this clear to him. I think filing for a divorce only further proved that I am/was unhappy in our marriage...we had issues he didn't want to see or believe or even try to fix. That wanting a divorce had nothing to do with the OM that entered my life later into our seperation. So, I can't say it is a last act out of love... If divorce had anything to do with love I would be staying and not going through with it. Edited April 12, 2011 by blizzard Link to post Share on other sites
dreamingoftigers Posted April 12, 2011 Share Posted April 12, 2011 I disagree. I think that WS should do everything to work out their issues and save the marriage. I think divorce hurts as bad as adultery and that just means that the WS just sucker-punched you twice. The BS should have more of the choice. Link to post Share on other sites
Author TMCM Posted April 12, 2011 Author Share Posted April 12, 2011 I disagree. I think that WS should do everything to work out their issues and save the marriage. I believe that this is more the view of female BS than male BS. I think divorce hurts as bad as adultery and that just means that the WS just sucker-punched you twice. The BS should have more of the choice. I don't know about divorce 'hurts as bad as adultery' because you have to factor in how much a spouse is emotionally invested in the marriage. If the divorcing spouse's 'love bank account' is not only empty but closed - like it was when I divorced my first W -then divorce doesn't even come close to hurting as adultery. Nothing emotionally ambushes us in the same way as adultery does. Link to post Share on other sites
dreamingoftigers Posted April 12, 2011 Share Posted April 12, 2011 I believe that this is more the view of female BS than male BS. Probably, I have a couple loose theories on why that is. I don't know about divorce 'hurts as bad as adultery' because you have to factor in how much a spouse is emotionally invested in the marriage. If the divorcing spouse's 'love bank account' is not only empty but closed - like it was when I divorced my first W -then divorce doesn't even come close to hurting as adultery. Nothing emotionally ambushes us in the same way as adultery does. Agreed, but I think for many of us, we truly want our families and if the betrayed spouse is willing to go through the repair work, I think that the WS should give the marriage a year of chance to recover. Link to post Share on other sites
Spark1111 Posted April 12, 2011 Share Posted April 12, 2011 What if divorce has NOTHING to do with the altruistic setting my spouse free to find happiness? After an affair, the WS as a supreme conflict avoider, divorces their spouse as the final justification for their deceitful actions? As in, I can't take the heat, so I'M divorcig the kitchen? Just another act of relational cowardice? Link to post Share on other sites
dreamingoftigers Posted April 12, 2011 Share Posted April 12, 2011 I think that that would be the most likely scenario.... Link to post Share on other sites
WorldIsYours Posted April 12, 2011 Share Posted April 12, 2011 I asked for a divorce. My husband wanted to stall. We seperated. I met someone. It was full fledge adultery in his eyes. And it was. I wish now I could change what I did. Involving a third party was the stupidest thing I could have ever done. It was stupid. My husband then accused me of wanting the divorce because he believed that I was having this affair during that time...well, he was wrong. No he was correct. Because you got with another man you thought you were the hot stuff. GIGS. It has been nearly a yr since I have seen OM. And I still plan to file for the divorce. Funny how you say you're so determined to divorce your husband and you haven't even filed yet. Hmmm guilt perhaps? Oh wait, biding your time right to make your next move? My husband wanted to reconcile. I did not want to reconcile. I made this clear to him. Of course you didn't want to reconcile. You're unremorseful and calculating and your husband was in pain. I think filing for a divorce only further proved that I am/was unhappy in our marriage...we had issues he didn't want to see or believe or even try to fix. No it honestly proved how selfish you can be. The issues are yours honey, not his. That wanting a divorce had nothing to do with the OM that entered my life later into our seperation. It had everything to do with it, otherwise you wouldn't be here trying to justify your cheating and being cold to your husband. So, I can't say it is a last act out of love... If divorce had anything to do with love I would be staying and not going through with it. If you really wanted to leave, you would've done so in a mature way instead of sitting here saying how OM had nothing to do with your heartlessness. Link to post Share on other sites
Author TMCM Posted April 12, 2011 Author Share Posted April 12, 2011 Agreed, but I think for many of us, we truly want our families and if the betrayed spouse is willing to go through the repair work, I think that the WS should give the marriage a year of chance to recover. Going back to the gender issue of the BS. Generally speaking of course, we men are more visually oriented creatures than women as the success of the pornography industry proves it. When a remorseful WW pleads with her BH to give her another chance and not end the marriage, she is - inadvertently - forcing him to experience a porno mental movie starring she. Granted that many BW also experience these mental movies but I would argue that not with the same sexually graphic detail as many BH do. We are totally unprepared on how to effectively turn them off. Have you ever watched the old Stanley Kubrick classic 'A Clockwork Orange'? The scene where the main character, the ultra violent Alex, is serving a prison term for murder and is subjected to the experimental aversion therapy where he is injected with a drug that makes him feel sick and is forced to watch graphically violent films, eventually conditioning him to suffer crippling bouts of nausea at the mere thought of violence. So too, like Alex, many BH are forced to endure the those mental movies over and over again with such vivid detail. That is why a remorseful WW should offer her BH a divorce instead of pleading for another chance. The former relieves a lot of the emotional pressure to 'act Godly' while the latter does quite the opposite. A pressured BS, male or female, is much more likely to end up emotionally spent and divorced than a BS who makes the commitment to endure those home made porno movies in his/her head. Granted that those mental movies do play even if the WS is gone but they are not as easily triggered as when the BS is seeing the WS on a daily basis. Link to post Share on other sites
dreamingoftigers Posted April 12, 2011 Share Posted April 12, 2011 I got the porno images that I didn't want to see. Hell, I even got the actual porno images as well... One thing that greatly helped was EMDR therapy, I totally suggest it to all BH. the imagery still pops up, and moreso now that there has been two DDays since my last session. The old imagery I find is partially blocked, I can still remember it if I think about it (like right now) but my brain takes a second to go digging. I didn't watch A Clockwork Orange because it was shortly after a DDay and seeing a naked woman about to be raped by a gang really triggered a lot of "shut that ****ing move off please" thoughts. (I did phrase it nicer at the time). I don't think the fundamental difference between a BH and a BW is the imagery. I think that there is a different biological and societal response to adultery for men and for women. The daytime talk opinions mentioned in another thread I think would be a very recent development. Link to post Share on other sites
blizzard Posted April 12, 2011 Share Posted April 12, 2011 WYO- I don't recall justifying anything... and as for me being hot stuff, well I am You are crazy-mad WYO Link to post Share on other sites
Snowflower Posted April 12, 2011 Share Posted April 12, 2011 IMO, a WS who immediately files for divorce to supposedly save their BS from additional pain and suffering is not being honest with themselves or their BS. If they truly cared about their BS, they (the WS) would ask what the BS would think is the best thing for them in the aftermath of the affair. Otherwise, the WS would be making a unilateral decision about the marriage and the future. So unfair! If my H had said to me, "I had an affair and now I'm divorcing you because it's the right thing for you..." I would have thought it was completely patronizing. I already felt powerless after d-day. (it wasn't until later that I realized I was the one with the power at that point) It is the BS's life and marriage too. Why should the WS get to continue to make all the decisions? First they have the deal-breaking affair and then they get to dictate when the divorce happens. Wow. I also agree with the other poster here who said it is really just self-serving for the WS so that they can have their freedom or go be with their AP. Link to post Share on other sites
dreamingoftigers Posted April 12, 2011 Share Posted April 12, 2011 At the very least it would be empowering for the BS to be able to say 'WS I am filing for D, you can kiss my ass!" Link to post Share on other sites
WorldIsYours Posted April 12, 2011 Share Posted April 12, 2011 WYO- I don't recall justifying anything... and as for me being hot stuff, well I am Nah cheaters are not "hot" in any way. You are crazy-mad WYO You are crazy-selfish Blizzard. Link to post Share on other sites
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