Update--NC for 2 months now...its been such a tough journey

[Tryingtogetbetter]

Hi all,

 

Just wanted to share an update with all on LS..

 

I had earlier posted on my situation with the XMM and how i decided to walk away 4+ months ago when he said he wanted to go back to it for the sake of his child...

 

I've had no more contact with him since almost 2 months ago..and started seeing a therapist..I have to say that, as much as i resisted that idea of that initially, it has turned out to be the most helpful thing that i've done! I would encourage anyone who is struggling to do it! For my case, i felt so stuck after 3+ months of not seeing him and even with the very limited contact we've had via skype and email, I was still feeling very down, cried everyday and mourned the loss of the relationship..it was really only after seeing the therapist that I started to get better emotionally...

 

It was also in the last 2 months I started really thinking through the events leading up to me deciding to call it quits..I realise I had made so many excuses for him...on his inability to commit and him always making me feel like I was just an option by some of the behaviors and decisions he made...I saw it for what it was and that wasnt something easy to accept when you are in the midst of it..

 

At the end of it, he made his choice and he bears the consequences because it has fundamentally changed the relationship between us...I will never be able to feel the same way again..even in the unlikely chance he returns for whatever reasons...

 

It is still by no means easy feat some days getting through the day..Many times i still have those moments that made me feel like i couldnt breathe and my heart hurts so much...But it has become less frequent and intense i must say...

 

What the future holds, i wouldnt know. Do i still hope to be together with him? I think I would only hope for that if there was a good reason to believe that he was committed and loved me ...But as far as it is now, what he has done, there is no mistaking the fact that he did not choose me, despite knowing he will hurt and disappoint me..He chose his child and wife over me...that sucks and it is a fact...I will never forget it and now accept it...I used to analyse the whys and whats..but i realise the only thing is to come to terms with his decisions and actions...whatever the reasons are, it is the same outcome. The former relationship we had is dead.

 

LS is really a good support avenue for me..and I hope to be able to continue to share updates and garner strength from all of you..Just taking it day by day..making the most out of it ...

[Flabbergaster]

Congratulations on getting this far. I don't know what more to say, than that. You know how hard it is, you know you can take it, you know that the alternative is worse. What more can I add?

Realizing that you are past the point of no return, that it is too late to go back...that's a painful day, isn't it? That day dropped me to my knees...think it was at 5 or 6 weeks that i started to fully appreciate what "it's too late" means. You made it past. You still wonder, yeah...me too. We just know better, right?

What does the future hold? Good things. Surprises, yet to come. Good things, the best. Single people, only, from now on.

 

LS is a great support venue. We gain strength from you, please continue to post.

[Tryingtogetbetter]

Thanks Flabbergaster. It is indeed as you said- Despite how painful it is, I have done it and stuck to it.

 

He has also not done very much on his end to show me anything. Today was especially hard. After 6 weeks of NC, I also start to ask why this man whom i loved and cared so much about, could just simply move on and walk off? Did I actually mean so little to him? Was this just like an on/off switch that he can flick and just make up his mind to go back to someone he claims he doesnt love?

 

I am conflicted and somewhat sad today. I know that it is good that he goes away and leaves me alone to heal. But on the other hand, does the lack of not trying to reach out means it didnt mean a thing? Then what chance is there, that if he should get a divorce (without me being in the picture), will he be thinking of me again? I don't know.

 

Perhaps one of the things that hurt the most is that the person really didnt feel as deeply as you do for him. I don't know and I feel that it is all very sad and hard to swallow...sigh

[jeweleestar]

Thanks for sharing. I am in the very early stages and know how emotional my feelings are when I see his name and a text message. I have learned that I can delete it without having to read it, sometimes that is easier than others.

 

I ask myself the same questions. If I reallly was all of those things that you said to me, why do I feel the way I do when it comes to him?

 

Good luck to you and stay strong. I am amazed at your strength to have make it this far.

[journeyeleven]

Trying, I know very well the feeling you described of wondering how much or little you meant to the the MM. The only truth I now know is that for a time, I meant the world to him, as he did to me. He had as little control over his feelings as I did, maybe less. And I think that's probably true in many, if not most cases. The rest can only be speculation. From what I've seen on this forum, MW are much more willing to leave marriages for OM than are MM for OW. Perhaps it has something to do with gender.

 

Anyway, Trying, you're doing great! I am 6 months NC now and am still feeling the pain. BUT...I am feeling better - not every, but most days. The thing is, even though I'm not completely over the A, instead of feeling progressively more and more hurt during the A - the pain is moving in the opposite direction. Less and less hurt. And that is a very good thing. Keep going.

[Tryingtogetbetter]

Thank you all for your support and encouragement. It is what keeps me going on throughout the day and I am indeed healing as the period for NC becomes longer. It is almost like most days I am breathing better..

 

Just wanted to share a thought that came to me. I was debating over a long time if one of the reasons I had so much difficulty letting go and moving on was that I felt I had lost out to his wife. It is like a child and her toy. When someone else wants it and values it, it becomes doubly attractive and valuable. It made me feel more acute that I want him. And it also made me feel like I've lost the competition to her and therefore it hurts me...it doesnt feel good that you are not the one being chosen...

 

As I reflected upon that, I felt that hey, why don't I just accept I lost? Accept that she has won and in the first place, it is her right to have him. She was married to him and still is. It is his God damn duty to give her and the child happiness, isnt it? And in which case, I humbly acknowledge I lost and its ok to lose. Because the other option is to lose myself completely in a journey that will cause me to lose any dignity and self respect that I have left.

 

And how can that journey be worth taking, if the XMM did not regard me as a priority but an option; did not make an effort to make it work and was more selfish than anything else?

 

I rest my case and accept that I have lost and failed in keeping my man's heart. He has gone away forever and it is best to let the relationship rest in peace.

[lynne76]

This is the thing I am struggling right now the most with, too -- that I "lost" to his wife. But what I try to keep in mind is that he met her years before he ever met me, and I'm glad he had her those years, otherwise he would have been lonely, or with someone who wasn't her OR me, and maybe wouldn't have been so right for him. And like you say, it is their duty to follow through on their vows as best they can, and give their wives and children good lives. So, they have very lucky wives I guess. But I, and all the other women on the planet live without YOUR MM, and you and all the other women on the planet live without MY MM, so that must mean that you and I can get through life without them, too. It's so hard though. I'm at 3 weeks + 2 days of no contact, and I miss him so much, I miss all of it so much. Staying in NC is brutal, but necessary, or so it seems to be from what the posters on this board say. It's like he's dead though, and I just ache at the thought of never seeing him again...that he'll one day die and I won't have a chance to say goodbye....it's crazy to think of all those things.

[Tryingtogetbetter]

Hey Lynne76

 

I know it is very tough and I know how much all these make us suffer.

NC is the only way to regain the objectivity we need and more importantly, to regain the power we have over our lives. As long as you continue to be willing to be an option, you will remain one. I refuse to see myself as that because I know I deserve better. You also deserve better because you are prepared to love and commit. Walk away and focus on ourselves. If they ever want to be with us, they too got to work on themselves and make a firm decision and commit to working it out. Hey, the point is, even if he comes knocking again, we would have healed and not be interested anymore. Don't give up!