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Wife Emotional Affair/Aftermath


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ConfusedWXman

Hey there all... been a lurker for the past few weeks while trying to sort out this whole situation in my head. It's gotten to the point where I feel like there are enough unique things about my situation that reading similar ones can't quite answer all the questions I have, so I decided to make a first post.

 

I guess I'll start from the beginning... (warning: extremely long, standard story ahead... main question in bold at the bottom :rolleyes:)

 

My wife and I have been married for almost 5 years... we were 18 when we got engaged, and married 2 years later so I guess we've been together for about 8 years total. We've had our ups and downs like every other couple, but overall we've been really happy (so I thought).

 

She is a professional poker player so she's at the casino a lot and obviously she sticks out like a sore thumb in the poker room.. an amazingly attractive, smart woman in her mid 20s amongst a bunch of mostly older male degenerate losers. A few months ago she told me she's been making a really good friend.. a guy we'll call Mike. Initially I was really happy for her because she had been looking to make friends (we just moved recently). She's always been more of a tom boy so most of her friends are guys rather than girls and I've never had one shred of jealousy ever.

 

A week or so later, she was talking about Mike and she alluded to something about how he moved here recently to be with a woman who was separated from her husband and he was heartbroken because she decided not to leave her marriage.

 

RIGHT AWAY my red flag went up and I told her (calmly) that I've never been jealous, never had any issues with any guy she's ever been friends with, but that my radar was going off and I just told her to be careful, because I know his type... "serial home wrecker." She kept telling me I had the wrong idea about him etc and I would tell her "I know his type, he's good at what he does, just be careful." And I honestly trusted her even though I was convinced this guy was going to try to take her away.

 

Anyways, time goes by and eventually it becomes apparent that something is up... she stays late all the time at the casino, she all of the sudden starts having drinks while she's there (which is totally unlike her) and she always tries to look really good when she goes.

 

Even though now I realize that deep down I sensed something might be wrong, our relationship seemed to me to be at its best during this time. She was always happier than normal at home (with me), she started to enjoy sex more (started having orgasms for the first time) and overall just seemed very happy. Seeing her like this made me really happy so I was just completely content.

 

That's why it hit me like a freight train when she came clean, told me she's been having an emotional affair and even kissed the guy one night but that's as far as it went before she realized. It all makes sense now that everything seemed so good because she was getting her emotional support from someone else :(. I initially was angry/sad/confused... she said she needed to leave... went to be with her parents in another state for a week.

 

So obviously this opened up a can of worms... a lot of stuff leading up to it. We had both gotten fairly complacent and in her eyes I wasn't spending enough quality time with her and wasn't emotionally supportive. She said she felt emotionally checked out and she has for a while and she doesn't know what to do.

 

Over the last year, we decided to have kids and right away had 2 early miscarriages about 6 months apart from each other. The second one was especially brutal for her and I was there for her but my way of dealing with the pain was to make it seem insignificant... I'd tell her "its ok, it was only 5 weeks in, we never saw a heartbeat, it was smaller than the head of a pin, you'll be ok... etc.." I didn't have bad intentions, but I realize now that all I had to do was listen not offer solutions. I think that miscarriage REALLY messed her head up badly and made her especially vulnerable to the affair (I'm not justifying it nor am I blaming myself).

 

She readily admits she didn't communicate well enough to me how important these things were. It's a hell of a shame because I would have done them in a heartbeat... I just figured that's how we rolled... she did her thing, I did my thing, we'd watch tv sometimes, grab a bite to eat sometimes and everything was good.

 

It's been about 4 weeks and I think she's finally over the initial affair withdrawl (she ended it with him for good and told him never to contact her again). But she still isn't being receptive to my love.

 

I've been through all the stages... sad/angry/confused... then feeling like she needs to come crawling back, then deciding I'm willing to forgive her and I still love her and she's important to me... then feeling pathetic for being cheated on and still having to be the one to try so hard to get her back.

 

So here's where we stand now. After a few weeks of keeping me in limbo, she told me that she wants to try and make it work. I took this as a sign that she would finally start to be receptive to my advances, but found out yesterday that she still needs space. I'm not just talking about sex... things like walking up to her and giving her a hug or kiss and not feeling like she wanted it... doing something nice for her and not feeling like she cared... basically everything I do bounces off her. This is just brutal for me because I'm the complete opposite... I need her support, her love... etc... but she just wants space and says I'm smothering her.

 

We aren't going to separate.. we are going to live together and try to work things out through time and therapy.

 

Here is my #1 question through all this: The problem that lead to the affair was the fact that I didn't spend enough time with her and I didn't give her attention... but now when I do these things, it seems to push her away. What am I supposed to do to gain her love back? Play hard to get/don't give her attention? Make her miss me? Keep hacking away at her with nice things? What is ok to do? Things like holding hands while watching TV like we used to... kisses on the cheek... asking her if she wants to go on a date... massaging her feet... asking how her day was...(all things I know I need to do more) or will those things push her away more? I guess what I'm asking is where is that line? (When a woman wants space but she's also said she wants to try and make it work and you're living together.)

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I would personally ask her out on a date and see what she says, make the simple gestures that you care about her. Its going to take time. good luck

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How has she SHOWN you that the affair is over?

 

What is she actively doing differently to rebuild your trust in her?

 

What's truly CHANGED in the last few weeks since her decleration that she wants to rebuild your marriage?

 

It's not unusual that she's not "in it 100%" right away.

 

BUT...its entirely possible/probable that there was/is more to this affair than she's openly admitted on her own.

 

It was quite possibly more physical than a single kiss.

 

And she needs to be 100% honest and open with you...100% transparent...so that you can rebuild your trust in her.

 

What is she doing to meet that?

 

Have the two of you considered marriage counseling? What active steps are the two of you doing to rebuild your marriage?

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ConfusedWXman
How has she SHOWN you that the affair is over?

 

She went to individual therapy while away after she told me. Part of that was to write the guy a final goodbye letter and I saw it. It was sickening to read because even though it was very stern about no more contact... ever... it still "thanked him for being there for her" etc.. I would have liked to been a part of that process.

 

What is she actively doing differently to rebuild your trust in her? What's truly CHANGED in the last few weeks since her decleration that she wants to rebuild your marriage?

 

Well to be honest, the part that's changed is that she decided to stay at home instead of go back to her parents. She really wanted to go away for a while and actually planned to. Then a few days ago (after I backed off and gave her some space for a couple days) she told me that she wanted to stay and work on it. I asked her why. She said "I don't know... I was really gung ho to leave and I haven't yet... that must mean something." For what it's worth, when she decides to do something, she does it... so I think it's a good sign that she is still here.

 

The mistake I made at that point was to assume that this meant she didn't need space anymore and she would start responding positively to me showing her love. So I guess I smothered her again and maybe pushed her away even more.

 

Have the two of you considered marriage counseling? What active steps are the two of you doing to rebuild your marriage?

 

Yes we are going to counseling... we have only seen the counselor once for an initial meeting... he knows the situation... to be honest I'm surprised we're going to make it to the next session. It's a huge pain in the rear because the guy is booked like crazy... we can only get in like once every 2 weeks. :(

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