Did I give up too easily?

[J0N]

I put this in another thread but this has been bothering me for a few days now.

 

When me and my ex split I went NC almost immediately. I didn't grovel, beg, pleade, etc. I did everything by the book so to speak. Sometimes I think I just gave up and walked away too easily. That maybe instead of trying to save my ego we might still be together, if I had at least tried. I Am happy that I could walk away with some dignity, but there is still that residual what if going through my mind. But I guess her stone coldness and not reaching out over the 6 months we've been apart is a pretty good sign that my efforts would have been futile.

 

It's just frustrating I guess.

[GreenPolicy]

I put this in another thread but this has been bothering me for a few days now.

 

When me and my ex split I went NC almost immediately. I didn't grovel, beg, pleade, etc. I did everything by the book so to speak. Sometimes I think I just gave up and walked away too easily. That maybe instead of trying to save my ego we might still be together, if I had at least tried. I Am happy that I could walk away with some dignity, but there is still that residual what if going through my mind. But I guess her stone coldness and not reaching out over the 6 months we've been apart is a pretty good sign that my efforts would have been futile.

 

It's just frustrating I guess.

 

How did she break up with you? What did she say during the b/u conversation?

 

You really have three choices when you get dumped: put on a full-court press to win them back (this almost never works and confirms to them that they made the right decision), get hateful/spiteful (this confirms to them that they made the right decision), or respect and accept their decision (you keep your dignity and self-respect intact).

 

Fact is, once they dump you, they've made up their minds. There's very little to nothing you can do to change it. The desire to get back together has to come from within. If I recall correctly, you sent her a note telling her how you felt, you got your stuff back, and then you walked away with your head held high. That's really all you had to do. I also recall you telling me about a former gf of yours that you dumped, and who would not leave you alone and how this caused you to resent her and confirmed to you that you made the right call.

 

I think it's natural and normal to sometimes think "If only I had done this or that," but the reality is that words and romantic gestures rarely if ever work to get them to take us back. That always works in the movies, but rarely in real life. I know that I let my ex know how I felt and how much I cared about and loved her, and all I got in response was silence. So that has helped me quell the What If game.

[silvermane187]

There is nothing you could have said or done to change her mind once it was made up. I said everything I could the first few days, then tried my best through light contact over the passing 4 months to make it work. Repeat: NOTHING you say or do can change the way a female feels about you once they have made up their mind. Your best chance to get her back was to do exactly what you did, go NC and hope she did some soul searching and changed her mind. In retrospect I wish I had given up hope sooner so I would be further along in my healing process.

[Duckduckgoose]

You walked away with dignity and your pride (what little bit one has left during such a time). Its far better than taking the psycho routine or the begging routine. GP did a good job covering that one.

 

Fighting for the relationship once the person has left you is almost pointless. I tried and tried to get my exH to reconcile for a couple weeks after he left. He wasn't having it, and it just confirmed to him that I was indeed evil and whatever else he thought of me.

 

But fighting for something I thought was important seemed very important to me. I proceeded to use the mental energy that would have been devoted to saving our marriage into really breaking down every little bit of the relationship and if I could have done ANYTHING differently to save it before it got to the point of divorce. I beat myself up on a regular basis for it, and it only served to make me miserable.

 

I still beat myself up about it a little even today... and yesterday, and the day before too.

 

For a dedicated, loyal, honest, faithful person with a lot of integrity knowing that I could have not done anything better and it was the OTHER person that destroyed the relationship hurts. One gives their all... the other one takes all and leaves nothing...

 

But rest assured J0N knowing that she will only take her relationship sabotaging tendency to the next person. Unless between you and the next person she LEARNED something.

 

Beating yourself up for taking the high road is normal... but what ifs at this point are "what weren'ts"

 

I learned that to keep beating myself up and overthink it to pieces just got me tied in a tighter and tighter mental and emotional knot. When you start to work that knot out its snags are gonna get ya. Better to not overthink, just take what you learned from the relationship use it to make yourself a better person, and move along.

[dng]

I put this in another thread but this has been bothering me for a few days now..

 

This is not good. Keep moving forward.

 

What would you have done anyway? The schism from the breakup was already there, the loss of trust in the relationship as a unity between two person was gone and from there, all bets are off, unless you are willing to compromise your integrity and tolerate it, which clearly you arent because when the cards went down, you walked away.

[GreenPolicy]

This is not good. Keep moving forward.

 

What would you have done anyway? The schism from the breakup was already there, the loss of trust in the relationship as a unity between two person was gone and from there, all bets are off, unless you are willing to compromise your integrity and tolerate it, which clearly you arent because when the cards went down, you walked away.

 

I'm kind of in a similar position as JON, our relationships ended in a very similar way. Putting aside my heart and turning things over to my mind, I am more than well aware that even if my ex did come back, I'd never feel at peace. I'd always be wondering if she was going to bail again unexpectedly like she did before.

 

I think the problem is that your brain wants to fast-forward to a time where there is no more pain, whereas your heart wants to rewind back to the good ol' days...all at the expense of the present. There's a reason that they call it a broken heart and not a broken mind. When your relationship ends unexpectedly and your ex doesn't really give you anything that you could take ownership of, you are for a time going to spin your wheels trying to make sense of it. I did that for about 4-5 months and then my mind gave up on that. I realized I was never going to have that kind of understanding.

 

Sometimes I wish my ex and I had stayed together long enough for the r/l to deteriorate to the point where we were fighting and not getting along or there were serious issues, so that I could have at least experienced all the ups and downs and not have things ended when things were still very good. I think that is what is bugging JON too - missing her, which is normal, and not being able to understand the breakup. And believe me, I did a lot of soul-searching, and it still doesn't make sense to me.

[starryeyed12]

I think the problem is that your brain wants to fast-forward to a time where there is no more pain, whereas your heart wants to rewind back to the good ol' days...all at the expense of the present.

 

This is exactly it!....for me at least, and I suspect most everyone here.

 

I have literally thought to myself I wish I could just fast forward to 6 months from now.

 

Yet, there are still hours in the day that my heart wants to go back. I have played the break up, make up game for a long time with my ex, and all it is is letting your heart and emotions control you. Chances are nothing has changed (and in my case nothing has changed no matter how many times we try) At some point you have to override your heart and emotions with the power of rational thinking. It ended for a reason and there's no way to go back now. Luckily, the future can and *will* be brighter than the past.

[MovingOn13]

I commend you on your handling of the break up.

 

I handled mine much the same and i too have the feeling sometimes of whether or not i did enough.

 

The moment it was over between me and my ex ( 5yrs, first love etc) i removed her from my life. NC ever since and she hasn't bothered to contact me either. Like may have mentioned, once women lose attraction for you it just becomes an impossible uphill battle until something within them changes if it ever does.

 

I let her know i couldn't be friends because i still loved her so she knows i loved her and she knows where to find me just as ur ex knows where to find you.

 

Don't over analyze the situation i know its hard. its been 3 months since the BU for me and i still analyze the **** out of it but i know time is the best healer...so stay strong and use this time to redefine yourself and to grow.

[0hpenelope]

I put this in another thread but this has been bothering me for a few days now.

 

When me and my ex split I went NC almost immediately. I didn't grovel, beg, pleade, etc. I did everything by the book so to speak. Sometimes I think I just gave up and walked away too easily. That maybe instead of trying to save my ego we might still be together, if I had at least tried. I Am happy that I could walk away with some dignity, but there is still that residual what if going through my mind. But I guess her stone coldness and not reaching out over the 6 months we've been apart is a pretty good sign that my efforts would have been futile.

 

It's just frustrating I guess.

I'm not going to add to the pile, J0N. I know you have enough self-awareness to recognize this stage of your healing.

 

This is you venting and I'm happy to see you did. Feels good to let those thoughts and emotions out.

[smudge21]

No matter how you would've handled it, you would still have had those same regrets; I should've said this or done that. It's natural and I'm sure everyone on here has felt that way.

[Layzie89]

You're stronger than this JON. I have followed your threads and from what I see is you're having a bit of a relapse. Let this weak moment pass and keep on truckin brother. That's all this is man, just a weak moment.

[J0N]

I know, you guys are right. I feel like every once in a while I have a sort of mental relapse. As time has gone on they have become fewer and further between.

 

Lets face it, her not reaching out to me over the nearly 6 months since we broke up should be a pretty clear indicator that any efforts i would have made would have been futile.

 

I think it was only so bad last week because a friend of mine who hadn't heard the story of us breaking up asked me about her and I had to go through the whole process of why we broke up and how it happened etc. I guess it just got me thinking about it. Hence, the thoughts.

 

I have a buddy who has been by my side (no homo, lol) for all of this and he told me about one of his ex's and how it had a very similar effect on him that I am feeling. After a couple of years being away from her he said that "He wants what he had with her, but with someone else." That is how I feel. I want to love somebody as deeply as I did her, but not her. I am sure that I can do better than her and I deserve someone who will reciprocate the love that I give better than she did.

 

If I saw my ex today she would probably seem like a stranger to me anyway. I honestly hope that I never see her again.

[dng]

Lets face it, her not reaching out to me over the nearly 6 months since we broke up should be a pretty clear indicator that any efforts i would have made would have been futile.

 

Even if she did reach out, the outcome is uncertain at best.

 

To use myself as an exemple, my ex reached out alot, said all the right words. Big mistake, so unhappy now, get back together...

 

She broke my heart time and again for as long as I let her do it, which in my case was six months. Someone else was also in the background but I don't know too much, just enought to not like to think about it.

 

So yeah, she hasnt reached out, she respected your wish to be left alone in all cases except if she wanted to get back together.

 

I think it's alot better than getting your hopes up and down for months, believe me that takes a big toll on your soul.

[lolo1234]

I know, you guys are right. I feel like every once in a while I have a sort of mental relapse. As time has gone on they have become fewer and further between.

 

Lets face it, her not reaching out to me over the nearly 6 months since we broke up should be a pretty clear indicator that any efforts i would have made would have been futile.

 

I think it was only so bad last week because a friend of mine who hadn't heard the story of us breaking up asked me about her and I had to go through the whole process of why we broke up and how it happened etc. I guess it just got me thinking about it. Hence, the thoughts.

 

I have a buddy who has been by my side (no homo, lol) for all of this and he told me about one of his ex's and how it had a very similar effect on him that I am feeling. After a couple of years being away from her he said that "He wants what he had with her, but with someone else." That is how I feel. I want to love somebody as deeply as I did her, but not her. I am sure that I can do better than her and I deserve someone who will reciprocate the love that I give better than she did.

 

If I saw my ex today she would probably seem like a stranger to me anyway. I honestly hope that I never see her again.

 

I feel like I'm going through a relapse right now. I was really feeling good about the breakup... knowing it was the best thing for me and my family. Coming to terms with the fact that he wasn't really as great as I thought he was and that him and I weren't a good fit.

But I've been plagued with memories lately... you know, the good memories. And I think about what could have been if we had both had more faith. And I think about why we had to screw things up when it COULD HAVE worked out. (or maybe not). And I just get mad at him again for having given up. He's such a giver upper. And I wonder if he's seeing anyone and I hope he never finds a love like ours again which is completely selfish but I don't care. I'm upset. And of course I think that I might never have that with anyone else again. And I know that's just me negative and not very realistic. And I just keep on getting into this mental spiral. All I can do is stop and breathe and try to focus on whats going on around me rather than the thoughts in my head. and ahhhh!

 

Ugh I hope I never see him again either.

[stopthemadness]

I put this in another thread but this has been bothering me for a few days now.

 

When me and my ex split I went NC almost immediately. I didn't grovel, beg, pleade, etc. I did everything by the book so to speak. Sometimes I think I just gave up and walked away too easily. That maybe instead of trying to save my ego we might still be together, if I had at least tried. I Am happy that I could walk away with some dignity, but there is still that residual what if going through my mind. But I guess her stone coldness and not reaching out over the 6 months we've been apart is a pretty good sign that my efforts would have been futile.

 

It's just frustrating I guess.

 

 

I think in the end you did the right thing. And I say that for the fact that she never contacted you again. At least you left with some dignity. I dont think i can say that for me. It wasnt untell my ex found another women that i got it in my hard head that he was moving on. But sence then I have made NO CONTACT what so ever. It changes it once another person comes into the picture. You just know then that its over. I hope your feeling better soon..And you will..We both will. Time will heal our broken hearts. Like that one chick on here says Hurry healing Hurry (I like reading hers posts) Hang in there...you r not alone..