What do you do with a lazy husband?

[krs1041]

Hi,

I've been married to my current husband for 3 years, we have both been married once before. The reason he divorced his ex is because he said she was lazy, thought something was wrong with herself all the time, and couldn't hold a job. He had to support her and their child. I have watched my husband since we have been married become a different person in just 3 years. When we married he was so helpful, had a good job, etc. He lost that job by moving back to my home town with me and the company he worked for terminated his contract position after promising it to him. He got another work-at-home job after that with a new company as a web developer but that company lasted only a short time and he was laid off in November 2002. Since that time my husband has exhausted all of his unemployment (even the 13 week extension). He has been sitting at home taking care of our almost 2 year old son. He has sent out numerous resumes by email and fax and had a few interviews, but he doesn't have a degree.

 

My problem is that I have been working so hard now to support our family and we are now QUICKLY going under. We are about to lose our car and have been in foreclosure twice with our home. We have had our lights, phone, etc. turned off multiple times now and somehow I have been able to get them cut back on. On top of all this my husband is sitting at home all day working on his computer watching our son, but doing NOTHING ELSE. I have a babysitter ready for when he actually gets a job, so that is not an issue. I work all day as a foster care social worker (extremely stressful) and then come home to a messy house, do the laundry, cook dinner, do the dishes, give the kids a bath (6 year old girl and 2 year old boy), get them in the bed. On weekends all I do is work on our house. Many days during the week I have to work over and be on-call after hours as a supervisor for a week every three weeks. I'm giving up rather quickly. I have so many dreams for my children and family including purchasing a new home since ours is just too small. I will never see any of this happen in the near future because our credit is destroyed. We can't have anything and I can't even buy my children clothes. We missed the income limits for food stamps and other assistance by just $400.00 per year.

 

I have tried to talk with my husband about this and all he can say is "You can't be any more depressed about this than me." When he walks by and sees me crying over the bills or something else he asks me what's wrong, I tell him and he walks away. Then he says all I do is fuss about things. I am trying real hard not to "nag." I do know this is very stressful for him to because I do think he wants to provide for the family, however he wants to do it from the comfort of his home and not have to do anything else in the process. When I approach the issue of getting a job at a local store or fast food he will not even think about it! My family doesn't help any by putting him down when they talk to me. I try my best to not feed into what they say about him. How can I get him to understand that this has got to stop (without nagging him)? He will not talk about it, I am incredibly depressed, I cry all the time, but I still love him. He has got to help out, if not by getting a job, by helping around the house because I am killing myself, but it feels like he doesn't care about me, my feelings, or our family.

[Arabess]

He may have to accept a job BENEATH his qualifications. I did that after 9/11 and ended up making more ona shipyard than I ever dreamed of while working with British Airways. Life doesn't work sitting on your A$$. There are excuses and reasonings.....but ultimately the person will feel like a failure if they don't take care of their family.

 

I can't motivate him anymore than you can motivate him. All I can say is the excuses are poor and unfounded.

 

Tell him to shape up or get the hell out. You've supported him thru his financial crisis....and NOW...he needs to become an adult and buck up!!

 

Sitting around feeling sorry for himself won't pay the bills.

 

COLD HARSH REALITY....but true.

 

I'll be thinking about you and hoping he gets off his can,

MOTHER SUPPORTING 2 KIDS ON HER OWN

[moimeme]

Well, actually, he could be depressed. Depression isn't just for women. He has lost that by which men often define themselves; his career. To him, it's even more emasculating to take a low-end job when he's had something fancier. Try to get him to a physician who can refer him, if necessary, to a counsellor. I seriously doubt that yelling at him will accomplish anything.

[spencer]

I never met anyone who got a job by email or faxing a resume. they dont even get looked at.

first of all arabess is right he needs to look for work below his means. tell him that his lack of income is going to leave the family homeless.

 

forget the babysitter, he can stock shelves at night at any major grocery store.

tell him you get the sitter for job interviews only.

 

on the homefront, its not fair for you to be doing all the house work, he is the house husband now and you need to train him.

 

give him a list of daily chores.

 

monday: grocery store, cook the family dinner, do the dishes.

tuesday: dust and vacuum, cook the family dinner,do the dishes.

wednesday: clean bathrooms, do banking, mop floors, cook the family dinner, do the dishes.

thursday: pick up drycleaning, start the family laundry, cook the family dinner, do the dishes.

friday: drop off drycleaning,.... you bring pizza home for dinner.....you do dishes

 

i bet he'll find work real quick.

[Fedup&givingup]

I'm with Arabess on this one. He's been dwelling on his misfortune far too long, and he's allowed himself to fall into a rut.

[krs1041]

Thank you all for your input. I have to say I do not think he is too depressed. He is having too much fun at home. He doesn't act depressed and has no symptoms of it. I do hate to go through separation and divorce again. I've been there before and it wasn't fun. I also have to think about my kids who love their dad, but my daughter sees what he is doing. She is now saying anytime she asks for something she tags at the end that we might be able to get it when daddy finds a job. I hate not being able to provide for my family's needs when I work so hard to do it. I am barely keeping a roof over their head.

 

I've tried the list of chores, he just doesn't do them and sometimes "loses the list." I think after 1 1/2 years I am at the point of giving him the ultimatum.

[befuddled11]

Yes, he could be suffering from depression, so hopefully if you make the suggestion for him to see his doctor (or a doctor), he'll agree.

 

However, some other possibilities come to mind here:

 

"The reason he divorced his ex is because he said she was lazy, thought something was wrong with herself all the time, and couldn't hold a job. He had to support her and their child. "

 

How completely ironic that he's turned into exactly what he accused his EX wife of being, hey? So.....maybe it really wasn't his ex wife who was lazy and couldn't hold down a job......maybe it was her who left and divorced HIM, because *he* was lazy and couldn't hold down a job???

 

Could also be possible that she was that way, and after getting with you and seeing how hardworking and selfless you are.....how you never complain, you just work your arse off ....that he's decided, consciously or subconsciously, to enjoy the "free ride." Maybe he feels that he "deserves it".......that it's a right he's earned by having had an ex wife who was lazy/didn't contribute.

 

Like someone suggested though.......he can't be trying very hard to get a job if he's not out there pounding the pavement, but is simply sitting from the comfort of his office chair, sending off resumes by fax and email. That's not how you get a job and if he's not learned this by now, despite 2 foreclosures, no money for kids' clothes, being about to lose your car..then he's a sorry excuse for a husband.

 

Has he contacted every Headhunter and Job placement agency around, to have them help find him a job? Has he tried sprucing up his resume? Or is he just being content to try the same old crap that's not working, all the while, just sitting at home like a lazy slug, expecting the "dream job" to come to him?

 

Shame on him for thinking it's "beneath" him to take a lower paying job. That's somehow worse than making NO money and going into foreclosure and having the utilities turned off? Good god!

 

I dated a guy who sounds similar to your husband.........he was the king of lazy, but in the beginning he put on this "show" about being such an ambitious, goal-oriented dude...one who'd work 50-50 with me in terms of housework, etc. What a joke. That lasted all of about 4 months. He went from job to job.......constantly looking for the next "get rich quick" scheme........and it *HAD* to be a job that allowed him to work from home..so that he could sit there in his fancy office at home, feeling like a "big wheel".....as time passed, he had trouble paying his half of the rent and utilities and was maxxing out his credit cards to pay his share. He had to get out of his vehicle lease because he couldn't afford the payments. He would spend oodles of time at home, trying to drum up clients.........and all the while, he'd never pick up a finger to help me with running the house. It was a huge 2500 sf house ......we had his children several days each week. I was run ragged with keeping up with the laundry and housework and cooking and ensuring the bills were paid and ensuring I had nutritious food for his children and getting them ready for bed, etc.....plus being a full time student.

 

I'd say you need to seriously consider leaving your husband..separating.....or telling him that if he doesn't get off his duff and find SOME kind of job ASAP, you're gone. He's not pulling his fair share of the load in the least. He's a leech and a freeloader. Your children are better off in a home without him than to be with a Dad who's lazy and is the reason for the utilities being turned off.

 

I've known tons of men who didn't have a formal education...but were married with young children...often working 2-3 jobs, crappy jobs that paid minimum wage.....all because they did all they could do to support their family. Your guy isn't even trying.

 

It's time you laid down the law..before you get so burnt out yourself that you get sick and have a nervous breakdown..and then what will happen?

 

I feel for you, I know how demanding your job is, believe me. Keep us posted.

[Arabess]

Moimeme knows a whole lot about people and their mental frailties....and she is almost always dead on.

 

Let me say THIS though. I've been depressed as hell and wished I were DEAD....but I had two children to support and couldn't afford myself the luxury of wallowing in depression. There comes a time you TAKE responsibility and quit whining in self pity. When you become an adult...time out cause you are 'unhappy' is irrelevant.

[moimeme]

Depression paralyzes people, though. That's why it's such a problem. They don't do even the things they should do. This is when you start suspecting that something is up. BTW, there is a form of depression that doesn't have all the classic symptoms; people even do have fun and laugh but they still suffer from depression.

 

Anyway, it's worth looking into. No point in spending wrath on people when they don't deserve it. First, find out if he is ill or just lazy. If he's not ill, then maybe get mad.

[krs1041]

Thanks again for the input everyone. I have to say I thought about the depression thing long ago. My husband is diabetic (Type II) and sees our family physician regularly for it. While at the doctor for one of my children I alerted him to my husband's erratic behavior. He agreed to monitor him and ask him some questions. However he has mentioned no concern about depression. My husband would die if he knew I had mentioned this to our doctor and would never go to a psychiatrist or psychologist. But my husband is also pretty emotionless most times, I think 8 years in the military took that away from him.

 

I agree that it is unusual that he has turned into exactly what he disliked about his ex. I have spoken with several people from his past, including his ex (because I now share a step-child with her) and they all agree that that is why he left her.

 

I really don't want to make him mad by saying any more than I already have. But I also know that this can't continue. I still think that my next step will need to be to give him the ultimatum. Even if he is depressed I still have to look after my family because I know him, he will not seek professional help. Thanks again for your help!

[UCFKevin]

Walk him and pitch to the rhino?

 

No wait...

[MarKus]

No...give him a big kick up the arse

[UCFKevin]

THAT's what I meant.

 

Laziness is a hard pattern to break. He needs a kick to the ass, literally or figuratively.

[Fedup&givingup]

Originally posted by Arabess

Moimeme knows a whole lot about people and their mental frailties....and she is almost always dead on.

 

Let me say THIS though. I've been depressed as hell and wished I were DEAD....but I had two children to support and couldn't afford myself the luxury of wallowing in depression. There comes a time you TAKE responsibility and quit whining in self pity. When you become an adult...time out cause you are 'unhappy' is irrelevant.

 

That's right, Arabess. Your reaction was the fight or flight one.

 

There's no doubt this guy is most likely depressed, but he IS wallowing in it. If he got out there and got a job, he probably wouldn't be depressed for long. I've been through some situations where a person could completely lose it, and I managed to come out on top simply because I threw away the Zoloft and decided to get real about it. I DECIDED to fight and to persevere, and guess what? I came out on top.

 

With my current situation, the same applies. I could sit around and feel sorry for myself, OR I could do something about it. I choose the latter, and once you choose that and decide to fight something back that's knocking you over, you become a success story versus a failure.

[Moose]

I'm proud to say that my wife has only had one job since we've been married and quickly let it go after our second child. I've been so blessed to not have to worry about money. However, when she wasn't doing her part at home I became pretty bitter towards her. I'm at work all day and all I want is to come home to a clean house, have clothes to wear tomorrow, and a hot meal sometime before bed. I don't know what I did or said to get things the way they are now but she's been able to keep things going now and I'm proud of her.

Finding a job in the comfort of your own home is going to be a major challenge for him and frankly he could have a job outside the home DURING his quest of either findind a home based job or building one......then when it's earning a true living lose the job outside of the home and enjoy being home. I have three real jobs.....a workaholic? No.....I'm a Mechanical Engineer at my Brother's Company by day, a cnc programmer at home by night, and welder on Saturdays and sometimes Sunday evenings. It's not because I have to, ( I do rather well with just cnc programming at home ), it's just I like to give my family extra things now and then, the wants rather than the needs.

If he's wanting a job at home right away I have a couple suggestions for him......but there is no earning a living at home in front of the computer that comes right away. My cnc programming business took me 2 years to get off the ground and over 15 years of machining experience to boot. I also have a partner that takes care of everything for me, all I do is program and cash my check every month. It can be done, even my day job can be done completly from home. http://www.d3technical.com and http://www.cncbartlett.com are my works of art....welding is just something I fall back on now and then and at 18 bucks an hour it's awfully tempting to stick with it.

As far as your husband goes.....tell him to wake up, get a job then build one on the computer....when it takes flight....stay home and help you out for crying out loud!!!

Another thing.....let the electric bill go and let your phone bill go. No computer, no internet. Tell him you had to cut back to feed the kids. You have blankets to stay warm, and a neighbor's phone to borrow. Buy food that you can eat out of the can. Try this just once and see if his tune changes.

[moimeme]

If he got out there and got a job, he probably wouldn't be depressed for long.

 

Gawd.

 

This is EXACTLY what I mean when I say there is a huge amount of ignorance about ailments of the mind.

If he is clinically depressed, he will not be able to 'pull himself up by his bootstraps'. This is NOT an issue of will. That you people have felt gloomy once and managed to get out of it does NOT mean that you were clinically depressed and that you are so much better and stronger than the rest of the world. It means that you were lucky enough to either not be clinically depressed in the first place or that it resolved itself naturally.

 

It's attitudes like this that will continue to stigmatize the truly ill forever.

 

 

I've been through some situations where a person could completely lose it, and I managed to come out on top simply because I threw away the Zoloft and decided to get real about it. I DECIDED to fight and to persevere, and guess what? I came out on top.

 

Well la-de-da and good for you. This makes you lucky, not better than others. Thank God for every blessing you've gotten, and continue to pray that He keeps you free of the sorts of ailments which plague the lives of your fellow-man.

 

I realize that some people would rather feel superior to others than try to develop compassion, though. Why bother to try to help a person or at least see if the person's ill - it's so much more fun to have contempt for people and tell them off in a blaze of self-righteousness.

[Fedup&givingup]

Moi,

 

I've really grown tired of your insults and the judgements you've passed on me. I DO have compassion for people, and I DO know people that ARE clinically depressed. I have relatives that suffer from this that need to rely on prescriptions in order to stay afloat.

 

That being said, I do see how people that are depressed fall into a hole. They have to struggle to stay out of that hole and climb out of it. What they CHOOSE to do day to day has a hell of a lot of what to do with determining their progress/failure in suffering. It's not their choice to have something as such, but it's just not always the reason either...the reason you've come up with over and over again. I know people that suffer from depression (greatly) that move forward instead of use it as an excuse. That's ALSO a characteristic I have personally seen.

 

Getting back to the point of topic here, I see where her husband could possibly be depressed, and I also see where he's using that to back out of his responsibilities, and where I have more doubt than affirmation that this man is really depressed based on his actions. He's sent out resumes via e-mail and fax, but refuses to take a job that's "beneath" him. Woe is him! That doesn't sound like depression, that sounds like an excuse. His wife and children suffer because of it, and he's too selfish to get with the program and take a job at McDonald's if he has to.

 

I've said it to you before, Moi, and I will say it again. I have had many experiences in my own life to base my decisions on. Don't go assuming yours are the only ones that matter and are the only correct ones. Please let us all know when you've earned your PhD. I know it takes even a doctor a reasonable amount of time in dealing with the PATIENT to diagnose their patient.

[moimeme]

it's just not always the reason

 

Of course. But it bears investigation. Depression is practically an epidemic according to the stats.

 

I know people that suffer from depression (greatly) that move forward instead of use it as an excuse. That's ALSO a characteristic I have personally seen.

 

Good for them. And I've known people to be immobilized by it. It can paralyze willpower.

 

too selfish to get with the program and take a job at McDonald's if he has to.

 

They don't hire everybody that walks into the door. There have been times I've tried to get a less-skilled job just to get some $; people take a look at you, say you're way too smart for the job and that you'll leave. They will not hire people they think are likely to find better jobs elsewhere.

 

And for the last time FU, I am not diagnosing. I am saying that some symptoms sound suspicious and should be checked out. If you said you were constantly thirsty, had lost a lot of weight lately, and were always having to go to the toilet, I'd suggest you get checked for diabetes because I know the symptoms. It may not be that, but it's worth checking. Same goes were you to say you had pains in your chest and down your left arm - I'd say call 911. It's a question of understanding when a situation might warrant medical intervention.

[befuddled11]

None of us here can say for certain, of course, whether her husband's clinically depressed, or just a lazy freeloader who's taking advantage of her generosity. But regardless, the bottom line is the family.

 

She cannot FORCE him to have a psychological assessment done. She's mentioned to his family doctor, his erratic behavior and shared her concerns there, and the family doctor stated he'd do what he could to ask questions/assess....but that there doesn't appear to be any sign of clinical depression. She is clear that her husband would NEVER seek psychological/psychiatric assessment/help anyway....so it's now completely out of her hands. He's a grown adult and she cannot drag him kicking and screaming to be investigated.

 

Her priority is her own mental and physical health, and that of her children. At present, the sole owness is on her to support and care for the family. I am more concerned with her mental and physical well-being than his because not only does she have a very stressful, demanding job with a lot of pressure and responsibility (that often exceeds the usual work hours: eg) when she's "on-call" for a week at a time), but she also is responsible for running the entire household, and being the sole source of income for the family. That, no doubt, is taking a great toll on her health. And the constant financial pressure...to keep a roof over their heads, to keep the electricity on, to keep from losing the car, etc etc....my heart goes out to her, because she is bearing the entire brunt of the situation......including raising 2 small children and looking after their needs. May God give this poor woman strength. If anything, she's at risk for having a nervous breakdown....from sheer exhaustion, and her body just running on overtime for too long.

 

Her husband is a grown man. If he can't realize the need to get help and make an attempt to get it, that's not her responsibility. She has enough on her plate.

 

Moi, from your past posts, some of us are aware how you CHOSE to stay in a very difficult relationship, for a signficant period of time, with someone who you felt had many different disorders..........you devoted your whole life, for that period (even going so far as to quitting your job in order to do so), to doing "research" on that individuals "symptoms" and trying to give them the information they needed to DO SOMETHING about their mental health state. Just because you did that, doesn't mean everyone else should delegate themself to being a martyr. And not being a martyr doesn't make a person non-compassionate or less of a partner.

 

Her husband has done nothing to provide for the family, or to even help with the housework. He's done nothing to help lessen her load, all he's done is increase her workload and level of stress.

 

She would be better off without him, as she's doing it all on her own anyway, and perhaps her leaving him would be the catalyst for him to get serious about getting help, mental health-wise (depression, etc). She's not doing him any favors by putting up with things as they are, and having to continually bear all the load. She herself is at risk for a nervous breakdown and clinical depression too....and then where would that leave her children? Who THEN would support them and look after them?

 

My advice to her would be to sit him down and give him an ultimatum.......and if he can't get off his duff and seek medical assessment, and get to the root of why he's not able to contribute whatsoever to their marriage and family, financially and otherwise, then she needs to remove her and the children from the picture.

[Fedup&givingup]

<<<<<<<<<<<<SIGH>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>

 

Another BRILLIANT post from Befuddled.

 

Once again, THANK you for your contributions to this board, Befuddled.

[moimeme]

I cry all the time, but I still love him

 

Sorry, folks, but when there's a marriage at stake, and the feelings are still there, I'm all for trying whatever it takes. She doesn't want to be rid of him. She wants to find out what can be done.

 

She would be better off without him

 

Perhaps. However that's your opinion. If her husband were chronically ill in any other fashion, she would have to 'do it all' anyway. I am only suggesting that, before she dumps the man she loves, that she look for a couple other solutions since that is her wish.

 

He (the doctor) agreed to monitor him and ask him some questions. However he has mentioned no concern about depression.

 

Even now, many physicians have not learned the symptoms of mental ailments and so do not think to diagnose them. Some also have the same bias as some LSers and don't 'believe' in mental illness. She is waiting for the doctor to figure this out - something you just can't do if nobody speaks of the symptoms. Husband won't mention them and wife is reluctant to speak of them. The doctor does not read minds.

 

My husband would die if he knew I had mentioned this to our doctor and would never go to a psychiatrist or psychologist.

 

Well you have a choice, (a) embarrass him or (b) divorce him. I'd start with (a), particularly if you really don't want to do (b).

 

She cannot FORCE him to have a psychological assessment done

 

You don't need a full psych assessment for depression.

 

and if he can't get off his duff and seek medical assessment, and get to the root of why he's not able to contribute whatsoever to their marriage and family, financially and otherwise, then she needs to remove her and the children from the picture.

 

Sometimes, it's only that sort of ultimatum that will persuade someone to seek help. However, whoever is going to make such an ultimatum MUST follow through on it. She does not sound as though she's eager to do that. Her wish to leave is a last resort, not a hoped-for escape. So I'm really not for pushing her out of the door if there's still hope. If and when she decides it is a hopeless case, then she can make that decision. I just don't advocate jumping to conclusions and moving hastily when there may be a solution which is less drastic.

[moimeme]

Befuddled - just a correction

 

(even going so far as to quitting your job in order to do so)

 

I absolutely did not do that.

 

Just because you did that, doesn't mean everyone else should delegate themself to being a martyr. And not being a martyr doesn't make a person non-compassionate or less of a partner.

 

I wasn't a martyr and don't consider myself one. I didn't go through one-quarter the things other women married to people with that condition went through. I got off easy, really, and I ended the relationship much more quickly than most of them did. I just wasn't going to give up on someone who had a lot of good qualities because he had a treatable condition. Plus I stayed in hope of providing some sort of stability for his kids because their mother had big issues of her own. I hoped that the treatment would eliminate the problems so was willing to give that a chance. Some of the ADD wives' husbands got treated and their marriages turned around completely.

 

However, it would have taken this guy a long time to get over all his issues. I didn't even find out about many of them until we'd been together for months and I eventually realized how badly off he was and how long it might take - if ever - for him to show improvememt.

 

I'm not a martyr, but nor am I a quitter; I don't toss people out of my life because of some difficulty and I didn't want to join the people who had already given up on him because he did have some very good qualities. Sometimes these situations can be turned around. Mine couldn't. Maybe krs' is. If not, yes she should go, but I am on the side of giving it one last try. It would be a huge shame to find out that a couple meds would turn him back into the man she first knew - especially if she'd already divorced him.

[befuddled11]

This quote from the original poster, krs:

 

"I have to say I do not think he is too depressed. He is having too much fun at home. He doesn't act depressed and has no symptoms of it."

 

This woman is a social worker by profession. I'm sure if she wasn't before, she is now....familiar with the many common signs of depression. And one doesn't have to be in any type of healthcare or healthcare-type profession to know what the signs of depression are. There's a much greater awareness of depression these days, as I'm sure you know. I get the impression from this comment, and other things she's mentioned in her post, that her husband is just lazy. She knows him much better than we do, after all.

 

Now whether her doctor is "up" on depression and knows what questions to ask (and how to ask them) in order to discern whether depression might be a problem for her husband, or whether he truly IS depressed or not, that's really here nor there. The bottom line is:

 

a) her husband is a grown man. He has to take some responsibility for himself......and to his wife and family. If he can sit there at his computer all day, doing whatever it is he's doing, yet not able to lift a finger to wash the dishes or make a sandwich for the kids, leaving his wife to do EVERYTHING, then there's a huge problem......and this isn't just a problem of a wife coming here complaining that her husband isn't providing as he should be, and because of same, she can't buy her children designer clothing and trips to Disneyworld. This is a woman who is stretched, mentally and physically, to the limit. Past, in fact (I recall her mentioning that all of this, the burden on her, is "killing" her).

 

This is a woman who is struggling with all she has just to keep from having the electricity and gas from being disconnected, again. This is a woman who's struggling incredibly just to provide the bare essentials for herself and her children. Again, she's at grave risk to her own health.........a higher risk of heart disease, cancer, high blood pressure, lowered immune system, depression, nervous breakdown, etc etc etc etc.

 

I would never encourage someone to leave their marriage without good reason. I do believe that spouses have a duty and responsibility to stick together for better or worse......but there's a line there.........

 

Even if her husband had 10 of the classic symptoms of depression, what can SHE do about it? Unless he's a danger to himself or others, it's not like she can have him committed to an institution for evaluation and treatment. So how long does she sit back, becoming more and more worn out, putting herself at greater risk for significant health problems, and then placing the children in a position where there is NO responsible parent to provide for them and their basic needs??

 

She can't FORCE him to do anything, that is the problem.

 

However, kicking him out or her removing herself and the children from the situation, if only for a few months, might give the situation a better chance, as that might be what propels him to do SOMETHING.

 

This isn't "just" about her husband. This is also about her and her children, and their well-being.

[moimeme]

There is a type of depression which does not have the 'classic' symptoms. People with it can still laugh and have fun. It isn't the business of social workers to know the symptoms of mental ailments. It would be nice if they did, and that's one of the areas my group is working on, but right now it's not what they do.

 

her husband is a grown man. He has to take some responsibility for himself......

 

The salient point about depression, Befuddled, is that it removes volition. It paralyzes willpower and disables decision-making. Therefore you might as well ask Chris Reeve to run a marathon. IF the guy is depressed, the depression is the very thing which prevents him from getting help.

 

You can throw every 'should' in the book at a depressed person and it will do zero good because that part of the person which might be moved by all that is not working properly. So you can waste your time being angry at them - or you can assist them in getting the help which will restore their ability to function.

 

what can SHE do about it

 

You already suggested it; issue an ultimatum if no other means of persuasion will do. Tell him it's the doctor or goodbye.

[befuddled11]

Originally posted by moimeme

There is a type of depression which does not have the 'classic' symptoms. People with it can still laugh and have fun.

 

And what type of depression would that be? Do you have any links on it? Is it listed in the DSM-IV? I'd be fascinated to learn more about a type of depression in which the person is depressed but is still able to laugh and have fun. That's a new one. I now work part-time on a psychiatry unit in a large center, I'll have to ask the resident psychiatrist more about it.

 

It isn't the business of social workers to know the symptoms of mental ailments.

 

Well of course I wouldn't expect they'd know all the symptoms of mental ailments...but considering depression is extremely prevalent, and considering the very nature of their job is to assess people's home situations and such, and considering they take psych courses to get their degree in social work (and many more if taking their master's), I wouldn't find it such a stretch to imagine that a social worker would be familiar with the classic symptoms of depression. Most lay-people I know are familiar with them. And should she not know much about depression due to the nature of her profession, would it be that hard to believe that she's researched it on her own, because of her husband's situation? I mean, she did say he didn't have any of the symptoms.......I, um, gathered from that that she's familiarized herself with the symptoms of depression, no??