She's back for revenge.

[mikeymad]

So my current girl and I were having a pretty in depth conversation, when she revealed to me that my ex contacted her through facebook about a month ago, telling her "I know you think you're happy right now, but there's a lot of things that you don't know about him". I've also found out that the ex wanted them to meet and talk about me, i'm assuming so she could inform her to run away or give her some sort of a warning. At first I was really hurt, because not only was i not informed of the contact, but because I had tried for so long to keep communication open, and she burnt all bridges, but as soon as I am getting over her and recovering, she tried to intervene and ruin things for me. My gf says that she might want to meet her, to find out what the big deal is about, and to get some sort of closure on the situation. I'm wary because of the poison that might get injected into my current relationship and the old memories and such that might get dredged up, but I also think that the new gf knows me well enough over 6 months and part of my previous relationship to be able to see through the bs.

Thoughts?

[willowthewisp]

How dare she! How dare she! WOW. The women didn't want you anymore, gave you no chance to even try and work your differences out, treated you like rubbish throughout the whole relationship and now thinks she can continue to interfere in your life?!

 

OK, so I don't know if your laws in the US are the same as the harressment laws in England, but go see a lawyer tomorrow. First thing tomorrow make an appointment with a lawyer and see if you can get an injunction taken out on your ex wife. An injunction if breached will result in a criminal offence. I'm not sure if you will be able to get get a court order and I know your laws there on defamation are more relaxed than here, but please do not let this slide, at least go and find out if you can do anything to prevent her from bad mouthing you legally.

 

As for the new GF, she should have told you right away, why didn't she? That is a huge red flag about her honesty and integrity right there, unless she had a very good reason for not telling you before now. If I were you I would seriously be reconsidering whether I want to continue this relationship with her?

 

Should she meet your ex wife, hell NO! ANd if she is seriously considering it, that would be red flag number two!

[trippi1432]

Hmmm, that is a dilemma right there by how your exW stated it...tread lightly. By saying to your gf, I know you think you are happy right now does sound like she is wanting to drive a wedge.

 

I've sat on a beach having a girl's day with a bf's exW before....but by then, there was five years out of the relationship..2 years knowing them both, and we could objectively talk like women...not like two cats fighting over a mouse. I will admit, we compared some notes and had some laughs noting things about my bf that we both saw, but knew it was just how he was. Confirmed to me that some things you just accept because that is a part of the inique personality and it was never a dealbreaker. He was nervous about our girl's day and we teased him about it...but it was no big deal.

 

Again though....she wasn't spurned....she had enough time to get over the anger and admit to her own faults in the marriage. This does sound like she is looking for revenge, so tread lightly. While the gf may take it light...and from where it is coming from...the things that are said could be noted later down the line. Just saying that if you have nothing to hide and have a pretty good idea what she might point out and have worked on those things for yourself...then no harm, but if it is just going to cause unrest and drama between you, the gf and the ex....not worth it.

 

Good luck....btw - I take it since she is still a gf, she wasn't trying to manipulate you based on your last thread....or is the debate still on??

 

Trippi

[sumdude]

Oh no, uh uh.. this is BS. For your ex to actively seek out your current GF like this? One of the dangers of Facebook. As I recall you and the ex don';t have any kids so why the heck does she know any of your business including who you are dating now? I wouldn't feel comfortable with this scenario at all.

[mikeymad]

Sumdude you raise a good point. I'm pretty sure she found out, because I actually posted a picture of the two of us online. We still have a few mutual "friends" but she has blocked me. I'm sure there was a report somewhere along the line, just as she mysteriously knew when i set up my match profile.

The funny part is aside from the fact she's probably still angry at me for "ruining her life", she is probably convinced she's doing a noble thing by warning my gf about me. I almost want to have that conversation recorded so I can post-game what crap was said. I'm pretty sure if she's doing this she's not out of the anger phase, and would rather i was sad, miserable and alone right after she left me. Call me perverse, but on some level I wonder what she thinks of me a year later...

[trippi1432]

Well, the part where she said "I know you think you are happy right now, but there are a few things you should know about him" didn't sound very convincing that she was thinking it was noble really. But I also like what you said about your gf knowing you well enough to see past the BS...and you are right on that. Keep in mind, when an ex reaches out to wreak havoc on a relationship...there are two people that get burned...not just one.

 

I still say not enough time has passed and I agree, she is probably still in her anger stage. In my situation as a gf...conversing with the ex...enough time had passed for them both to heal.

[seibert253]

Damn Mikey, that sux dude.

 

If I were you I wouldn't stop my current from meeting with her, but I'd discourage it. Remind your GF that your X's intentions are to drive a wedge between you and her, and instill doubt into your GF's mind.

 

But, if you GF meets with your X and lets her load of crap adjust her feelings toward you, then maybe she's not the one for you.

 

Best of luck.

[Tiberius]

Let her go. If the relationship fails because of what somebody else told her, you dont want a long therm relationship with her anyway. You dont want a wife that gets a divorce because people tell her to get one. And girlfriends always tell their girlfriends to get a divorce when they do not have any real advice.

[betterdeal]

I'm with Tiberius. Your girlfriend is a grown up and can make her own mind up. Let her know you're not thrilled, by all means, but that it's up to her what she does. Don't take any ownership for any of this. This is not your problem.

[trippi1432]

I'm wary because of the poison that might get injected into my current relationship and the old memories and such that might get dredged up, but I also think that the new gf knows me well enough over 6 months and part of my previous relationship to be able to see through the bs.

Thoughts?

 

Wow Mikey - I don't think you need your exW to sabotage your relationship with your GF...just come here and notice how no one sees that you feel she knows you well enough to see through the BS....let her go? It went from your exW spewing poison to accusing your GF of being dishonest with you. With this great advice, your exW already has fans.

 

Seriously....logic would conclude that she didn't say anything about it because she wasn't entertaining the thought at the time because she did believe in you and didn't want to stir the "drama" pot; however that is not to say that current events and the deep discussion led her to believe that perhaps she might need to look into things a little further. Are you throwing red flags Mikey? Are you causing your GF to have doubts that she would bring this up now? There are two sides to every story and it appears that your GF seems to be on the losing side of two threads now...not to say that you didn't try to defend her in this one...to a point.

 

It might be time to depolarize the drama magnet and tell the exW to mind her own business...then you can either decide to settle down with the GF or cut her loose if you can't decide if you want to stay in the relationship.

[mark982]

since she's blockedf you on facebook. why not block her and those few mutual friends that you have. should end some of the problems

[BeginAgain]

Let your current girl do it but break up with her. She doesn't trust you enough or isn't certain about you enough.

[orangelady]

Let your current girl do it but break up with her. She doesn't trust you enough or isn't certain about you enough.

 

I have stopped participating in LS but came back for BeginAgain.

[BeginAgain]

I have stopped participating in LS but came back for BeginAgain.

You did? Why did you do that? I didn't know I was so great. I think you are the only one here who sees me in that way. A table for one.

[Steadfast]

Hindsight is always 20/20. I say that because I'd like think if the shoe was on the other foot and I was in your position, I wouldn't stand in the GF's way of meeting anyone; ex wife or not. I would be suspicious in light of what you said, but if the GF isn't smart enough to see THAT torpedo, then she might not be worth it.

 

Best advise here: Don't act guilty if you're innocent and never fear lies.

[Duckduckgoose]

Hmm... I don't know the OP's original story and I won't pretend like I do.

 

However I will say that I think if your ExW wants to meet up with your gf of 6 months, and "warn" her, go ahead and let them do it.

 

If you were like "Oh no don't go my exW is such a lying nasty bitch" etc, your gf might think you have something to hide. Acting defensive in any kind of way about this sort of situation can be a BIG red flag.

 

And really, if you've been nothing but honest with your gf about your M, D, and exW, then the exW isn't going to tell her anything she doesn't already know about you. If the exW really is crazy then your gf will catch on. Bitter, nasty, hateful, vengeful people have a way of projecting their issue so that people catch on quick.

 

I say this because as an exW, if I found out my exH had a gf I am not sure if I would want to warn her about him or not.

 

I don't think I would do that, part of exH not being in my life anymore means that he will be someone else's problem. However my intentions for wanting to contact and warn a new gf of his would not be revenge motivated, they would be with her emotional well-being in mind. I don't want her to get hurt like I did.

[You Go Girl]

I'm imagining all divorcees having to bear resumes from ex spouses. Seriously, how many would get good recommendations and get hired to be a bf or gf?

 

Wow, your ex must really think you are manipulative. What else would she have to warn about? Does she have some really bad dirt on you? Otherwise, manipulation would be it...because everything else about you could be seen by any thinking person.

And then there's scenario two--your ex is crazy and still VERY angry. That is probably it. Ex's could warn new dates the world over--but they don't.

[heartbroken301]

Im experiencing a similair thing here , i got divorced July 2010 , and she told me that she`s in love with another man and from there i haven`t seen nor heard from her for about 4-5 months , then all of a sudden she starts to come to gym at the same time as me but to cut the long story short.

 

The one day when i went to gym i went with this new girlfriend and she was just staring , and the Ex was also present with the her new boyfriend , and 2 months ago wanted to meet up with me , because she is accusing me of "stalking her at the gym " and filled for a restraining order against me.

 

my Friend reckon thats Bull , cause when we go we don`t even engage with her shes just looking for attention. after that i get threating sms form her.

 

"If u carry on coming to the gym at the same time my boyfriend will sort u out , hahaha ... u like playing games ... " it seems so childish . but its like the saying goe`s

 

"Hell has no fury like a scorned woman"

 

Like she will do anything and everything to destroy me , just because i have moved on and she to see me with some else , and cant handle it , but i had to see them touching and holding hands and each other , like that never hurt.

[betterdeal]

Have you considered getting a restraining order on them both? She's made very real threats. Get yours in before she gets hers in.

[willowthewisp]

Have you considered getting a restraining order on them both? She's made very real threats. Get yours in before she gets hers in.

 

Yeah this is what I said, I think it is an absolute outrage that your XW thinks it is OK to be interfering in your life which is absolutely non of her business.

 

OP you haven't checked in, what have you decided to do?

 

I personally find it very worrying that your GF did not tell you about this as soon as it happened, I think that says an awful lot about her character. Seriously, what she thought was probably, "I won't tell him because I might like to find out what the x has to say" in other words she doesn't trust you. I doubt very much it was to save your feelings or to avoid drama and even if it was, is that the kind of relationship you want? One where you partner doesn't tell you stuff in order to protect you, without honesty and openness there is no real relationship, it isn't based on reality. A loving partner would tell you even if it hurts because they trust you enough to be able to deal with it and to make your own choices in life, without THEM taking decisions out of your hands under the guise of being for your own good, geez, what is she your mother?

[trippi1432]

I personally find it very worrying that your GF did not tell you about this as soon as it happened, I think that says an awful lot about her character. Seriously, what she thought was probably, "I won't tell him because I might like to find out what the x has to say" in other words she doesn't trust you. I doubt very much it was to save your feelings or to avoid drama and even if it was, is that the kind of relationship you want? One where you partner doesn't tell you stuff in order to protect you, without honesty and openness there is no real relationship, it isn't based on reality. A loving partner would tell you even if it hurts because they trust you enough to be able to deal with it and to make your own choices in life, without THEM taking decisions out of your hands under the guise of being for your own good, geez, what is she your mother?

 

I do see what you are getting at Willow, she should have said something when the exW first contacted her. Honestly, I think the exW accomplished exactly what she set out to accomplish when she launched the torpedo and contacted the GF. Irregardless of whether she had told Mikeymad right away or not, the result would have been the same...."a seed of doubt" in a relationship where the GF still doesn't know where she stands. In other words, the exW injected the right amount of poison into a relationship where the man doesn't know what he wants (too soon for him to be committed) and the GF wants to know where the relationship is going. Classic.

 

Based on Mikey's previous post of the GF pushing the love card, which was just a couple of week's ago, coupled with the contact by the exW a month ago and an "in-depth" conversation where this was revealed, the insecurities in the relationship are already obvious. Relationships are hard enough....add the drama, recipe for disaster.

 

I wouldn't mind an update on the previous thread because if the GF is a manipulator and now is also a dishonest person void of true integrity and character....well, you need to pick better next time Mikey. If this GF is your rebound after your marriage ended, it's normal in men that after the neediness is done, the man tends to fall out of infatuation and no longer be interested once it goes long enough to seem like a commitment. It's when they deny it and try to hold on that the stress and drama begin. Personally, it may be time to cut the GF loose, but you should do it with integrity and not lay the blame at her feet to wound her since you (Mikey) were not really ready for a relationship and still have all this drama. personally, I'm beginning to think that this is a rebound relationship and it might be time for it to come to an end.

 

I will end with this from John Gray.....When a man gets involved before he is ready to make a commitment..."The woman....is generally the one who feels the hurt of his mistake more than the man. This wounded man shows up in her life showering her with the warmth of his appreciation, gratitude, and love, and then pulls it all back. One day his feelings have suddenly changed for no apparent reason. Although she has not changed, his feelings have. No longer fueled by the hunger of deprivation, he doesn't really need or appreciate her at all. Although he comes on really strong, he loses interest just as quickly. This pattern is obviously not nurturing for her, nor is good for him." Like I said, your exW launched a torpedo at you and the GF..enough to destroy a relationship laden with doubt already. Maybe it's time to do some introspection so you can build a strong relationship with someone in the future where drama and doubt can't destroy it.

[PollyIvy]

I really dislike that your gf didn't mention the contact to you right away. The only reasonable excuse would be that she didn't want to upset you. Otherwise, it just isn't transparent and I would be uncomfortable with that.

 

I also think that they should not meet up. Your ex is your ex - she has nothing to do with your life. If your gf wants to meet her, I think that is screwed up. In your place, I would say no to either woman making a place for your ex in your current life.

[mikeymad]

If only matters of the mind and matters of the heart followed some sort of logical path. Or at least a flow chart to follow.

 

*Update*- We sat down and have had a few lengthy discussions, of which I tend to be fond of because it leaves no stone unturned, but can be overwhelming to her because of my incessant need to "dissect things". She let me know that she should have told me, but was unsure how to as she knows the effects that part of my life had on me, and she didn't want to let it effect me if it wasn't necessary. I somewhat understand where she is coming from, because you want to shield those you care about from things that would hurt them. I expressed my concerns, and said if she really wanted to talk to her then that was her decision, but asked her what she could possibly learn from a woman who's actions I had described to her, especially one who is still with the person she cheated on me with, even after showing me the letter she wrote to him saying they "could never speak again".

 

There are trust issues that have been identified as well, which are being worked on. I'm not sweeping those under the rug, and I told her that we won't be able to move forward until those are resolved, because I won't walk on eggshells for someone again to placate issues that aren't my own.

 

I know that I hold back my emotions to keep conversation focused, but I feel somewhat calloused.

 

But the emotional aspect is what is MOST confusing to me. I'm not sure what or when I'm supposed to feel "love". Most would probably say "you'll just know", but I don't think I'll ever have that naive notion about it that I did when I got married, so now I have to completely redefine it. Maybe what I feel is that, I just can't put the "word" to it. Do I have expunge my ex completely from the deep abscesses of my heart to allow another in? Because I think I will always carry some form of caring about her, along with the scars of letting someone in only to claw their way out. I worry about being "enough", that the embedded psychological issues that undercut my self confidence and self esteem are recoverable. I know that I'm comfortable with where we are, but with out individual issues to try and force it even more now guarantees disaster. I am trying not to focus on the future so much and become anxious, but enjoy the moment I am in.

 

That's probably the part that I need the most advice on...

[trippi1432]

Mikey Mad - kudos!!! This is a very healthy and introspective post...a look at yourself, your feelings, the affects and acknowledging the reactions and actions between yourself and your girlfriend...very happy to see this.

 

The demise of the marriage is going to leave you gun-shy....an effect we all feel. In that, we close a piece of our heart that no one can take from us. Even with the pain of infidelity...there is still a part of us that we gave to someone....we don't just forget that. Now, you look for room in there for another person...and it is possible if they are the right one....BUT, you keep enough room in there for yourself as well.

 

Sure, it feels like there isn't enough room in there for all of that, but as your love for yourself and for another grows...you will find that the part that once belonged to the person who is no longer in your life will get smaller and smaller. This is how you will just know.

 

The hard part is the hurdle to not compare....to not allow the bad memories of your past become the dagger to your present relationship. I really think that is what destroys relationships after a divorce. Your gf seems to be very intiutive to your feelings and it seems that the two of you are working at keeping the communication open...yet she is careful with you due to the hurt you went thru....she shouldn't have to walk on eggshells either....but until you have healed and put your hurt behind you.....you both will feel like things are eggshells from time to time. Even tho you are in a relationship, you are still letting go of the old and working in the new...she knows this...and surely she sees how that stresses you.

 

When you are able to think of a future with your girlfriend Mikey....that is when you will know. It is good to live in the moment when you want nothing from someone and can live with or without them. You trangress to love when you know that just having them in your life at this moment isn't good enough anymore...it is when you know they hold a place in your heart and want them still there years from now.

[2.50 a gallon]

My Ex tried to get us to reconcile for the next 3 to 4 years, so my after breakup feelings are probably different than yours.

 

I found myself in a love hate relationship. I loved and missed the atmosphere of the relationship that we had, but had no desire and in fact the thoughts of her personally turned my stomach.

 

The worst part was that I lost all faith in trusting women. I put all of them in the same box as the XW. No woman could be trusted. Alas, looking back I can see that I probably missed out on some very promising relationships. One in particular saddens me, but I accept that it was all of my doing, and it was the way I felt at that time and there was no way my mind was capable of being changed.

 

Over the next decade only on occassion did I get a glimpse of a feeling that something important was missing in my life.

 

It was a good 15 years later, when I fell head over heals with my present GF that I realized how lonely my life was.

 

I understand where you are at this time, and salute you for having the foresight to realize where your head is at and trying to find ways to work on it.

 

My current GF some years back when we had been together for about a year mentioned how she would love to me my XW, and if that could be arranged she was going to buy her a big bouquet of flowers and a thank you card for seeting me free.