willowthewisp Posted April 20, 2011 Share Posted April 20, 2011 You've only been with the GF for 6 months right? You don't feel love because you don't know her yet! Nothing abnormal there. Lying or keeping things from you to shield you or to protect you feelings, to keep you from harm...Not good man, trust me on this, my ex was the biggest liar on the face of the earth and THIS was his usual excuse. Now I'm not saying your GF is the same, but I will say that according to my IC, this kind of thing leads to a relationship that lacks intimacy, without honesty there can be no intimacy. WIthout intimacy you really are on a slippery slope. Also, bit insulting she didn't allow you to make your own choices by keeping it from you. That's my perspective anyway. Link to post Share on other sites
sumdude Posted April 20, 2011 Share Posted April 20, 2011 Sounds like you handled it pretty well Mikey. As far as those trust issues and feeling like you can't love like you did before. I know where you're coming from. It's been 4 years since my ex cheated lied and left and I have yet to have a relationship last more than 3 months... I just keep waiting for the one to pop up who doesn't set off my now hyper sensitive BS and drama alarms. There was one who sowed up in my life too early.. before I was really over the ex. Or should I say over her enough to let someone else in. Hang in there. Link to post Share on other sites
PollyIvy Posted April 20, 2011 Share Posted April 20, 2011 If only matters of the mind and matters of the heart followed some sort of logical path. Or at least a flow chart to follow. *Update*- We sat down and have had a few lengthy discussions, of which I tend to be fond of because it leaves no stone unturned, but can be overwhelming to her because of my incessant need to "dissect things". She let me know that she should have told me, but was unsure how to as she knows the effects that part of my life had on me, and she didn't want to let it effect me if it wasn't necessary. I somewhat understand where she is coming from, because you want to shield those you care about from things that would hurt them. I expressed my concerns, and said if she really wanted to talk to her then that was her decision, but asked her what she could possibly learn from a woman who's actions I had described to her, especially one who is still with the person she cheated on me with, even after showing me the letter she wrote to him saying they "could never speak again". There are trust issues that have been identified as well, which are being worked on. I'm not sweeping those under the rug, and I told her that we won't be able to move forward until those are resolved, because I won't walk on eggshells for someone again to placate issues that aren't my own. I know that I hold back my emotions to keep conversation focused, but I feel somewhat calloused. But the emotional aspect is what is MOST confusing to me. I'm not sure what or when I'm supposed to feel "love". Most would probably say "you'll just know", but I don't think I'll ever have that naive notion about it that I did when I got married, so now I have to completely redefine it. Maybe what I feel is that, I just can't put the "word" to it. Do I have expunge my ex completely from the deep abscesses of my heart to allow another in? Because I think I will always carry some form of caring about her, along with the scars of letting someone in only to claw their way out. I worry about being "enough", that the embedded psychological issues that undercut my self confidence and self esteem are recoverable. I know that I'm comfortable with where we are, but with out individual issues to try and force it even more now guarantees disaster. I am trying not to focus on the future so much and become anxious, but enjoy the moment I am in. That's probably the part that I need the most advice on... The highlighted part. Sounds like you handled this very maturely, and are also keeping an eye on your own needs. Link to post Share on other sites
dididarlin Posted April 23, 2011 Share Posted April 23, 2011 I've been away a long time but decided I needed to come back. There's something to be said for group therapy. Mikey, Dating again after divorce has been hard for me too. I've finally found one I might like to grow closer to recognize some of my own feeling in yours. Trip, Your advice is so wise. Hopefully I can take it in and use it for myself. Didi Link to post Share on other sites
trippi1432 Posted April 23, 2011 Share Posted April 23, 2011 I've been away a long time but decided I needed to come back. There's something to be said for group therapy. Mikey, Dating again after divorce has been hard for me too. I've finally found one I might like to grow closer to recognize some of my own feeling in yours. Trip, Your advice is so wise. Hopefully I can take it in and use it for myself. Didi Hey Didi...I remember you.. I hope that I can remember my own advice as I enter that dating world. I had been fighting it myself...he has been pursuing for a year and I have caved and accepted a date. Some new advice...quit seeing how badly it will end before it even begins. :o Link to post Share on other sites
dreamingoftigers Posted April 23, 2011 Share Posted April 23, 2011 Hey OP glad to hear the update. Be as cautious as you need and never feel guilty about that. Link to post Share on other sites
floridapad Posted April 25, 2011 Share Posted April 25, 2011 Hindsight is always 20/20. I say that because I'd like think if the shoe was on the other foot and I was in your position, I wouldn't stand in the GF's way of meeting anyone; ex wife or not. I would be suspicious in light of what you said, but if the GF isn't smart enough to see THAT torpedo, then she might not be worth it. Best advise here: Don't act guilty if you're innocent and never fear lies. As always, Steadfast has great advice. Dont fall in to the ex's games and don't persue the subject with your gf unless she brings it up. The best defense is to just live your life with the gf and be you. If the gf falls into that crap then steadfast is right. She is probably not worth it. Also, and I'm going to give you a bit, if you are remotely talking crap about the ex to ANYONE in the "circle", you are playing the same games. Be noble!! Great to see you are still alive dude. Link to post Share on other sites
Author mikeymad Posted May 16, 2011 Author Share Posted May 16, 2011 So a month goes by and seemingly everything is well. But then the ex emails her AGAIN. Comes out in a fight 3 days later, but comes out nonetheless. Same ****...warns her about the same stuff she called me when she walked out the door. I have to put an end to this. It may be too late for my current R, but I need this to be done with the x. I know I cant do anything face to face, so how can i send a strongly worded message without going over the line? Link to post Share on other sites
willowthewisp Posted May 16, 2011 Share Posted May 16, 2011 So a month goes by and seemingly everything is well. But then the ex emails her AGAIN. Comes out in a fight 3 days later, but comes out nonetheless. Same ****...warns her about the same stuff she called me when she walked out the door. I have to put an end to this. It may be too late for my current R, but I need this to be done with the x. I know I cant do anything face to face, so how can i send a strongly worded message without going over the line? I don't know US law but under UK law you would possibily be able to get an injunction against her. I would strongly suggest you see a lawyer, an injunction if broken is a criminal offence (in UK), may seem extreme but I really think you have to go the legal route here, from what you have said about this and about the way your XW behaved during your divorce she is not reasonable and I wouldn't get involved in any way with her. Legal route will speak volumes, it may be that a well worded lawyers letter is all that is needed for her to stop and you may not even need to apply for an injunction at court. Link to post Share on other sites
imagine Posted May 16, 2011 Share Posted May 16, 2011 Can you prove that what she said was libelous. Ask your friend to make a statement. This will only help if the story was untrue! Link to post Share on other sites
willowthewisp Posted May 16, 2011 Share Posted May 16, 2011 Can you prove that what she said was libelous. Ask your friend to make a statement. This will only help if the story was untrue! Ohh good point Imagine! You should be a lawyer! Link to post Share on other sites
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