Frustrated and guilty...

[b1zmarkie]

Okay, here we go: my SO(F) and I have known each other for about five years, been living together for three. My wife has a lot of physical problems, leg/knee pain, shoulder, etc. She works fulltime, recently promoted. I support her constantly, without her even asking(non-sexual massage, doing vast majority of housework, I even give her facials and do her nails-all four sets, because she is not really interested in looking good.

You, and herself, i think, would probably describe her as "Plain, heavyset, too tall, and homely" I, think she is very pretty, and could be gorgeous if she tried a little. I tell her constantly that she is exactly my type physically, not sure if she believes me.

She is also a victim of childhood sexual abuse/incest. She told be about this before we ever had sex, we worked through it to some extent, and the sex has always been great, when I can get it.

In the past few years, we have completely tapered off with the sex, and when we do, she is utterly voracious and will not stop until she is seriously injured "down there". I'm not joking about this. I usually give up after a dozen or so, so she grabs the vibrator and keeps going for a good hour. I don't understand this. She is intensely sexual, but only once in a blue moon.

It's gotten to where it's once a month or less, and I feel like maybe I'm less attractive to her, or something... I feel like not making advances because I'm afraid of being treated like a dog in heat or some kind of rapist. I used to be too tired from sex to do anything, now I have to come up with other ways to fill my time.

I feel selfish, but I wish my wife felt like a sexual being, and I have tried everything I can think of. I love her in every way, but do not feel requited.

With all the pain that she has suffered, and still does(I am always comforting her after nightmares of her molester), in addition to the physical pain she is in, do I have the right to expect anything?

Please leave feedback, or not, it feels good just to vent.:lmao:

[b1zmarkie]

Forgot a few things...I think the abuse has made her a sort of a selfless martyr, if she sees something helpless or injured, she just lights up, obsesses over it, etc. Maybe this is why she was attracted to me initially(I was a very weak man when we met, but not so much now...)

I do what I can to heal her pain, physical or emotional. I encourage her to talk to me, paint, write/tear up letters, any kind of outlet for these things. I understand to some extent, as I have problems with depression(I take several herbal antidepressants/use a lightbox) but her pain stems from something in the past, while mine is without real cause, other than biochemical/genetic.

 

She also gives so much of herself at work(she sells vitamins and stuff to people with health problems) that there's nothing left to give me...god I'm a bastard, aren't I? I feel like I give her an incredible amount of support, but she'd rather do crafts or watch tv than show any interest in me(sexual or otherwise).:bunny:bunny...

Maybe I'm making too much out of this abuse thing, she could just be too tired from being a borderline workaholic, or simply too tired of me.

Edited April 11, 2011 by b1zmarkie

[zakfar]

Dude! You can improve your relationship greatly. You are doing the mistake of associating this situation with her old abuse... which has nothing to do with it. All that's causing you trouble is that, both of you don't really know each other.

 

First thing first. You need to learn about yourself. Only then you can make her learn what she really wants.

 

So far, it seems to me that you like her dominating and controlling behavior. If this is the case, then try to imagine the kinds of activities and scenarios you want to see her doing. Try to imagine all those and write them down on a piece of paper. Be honest with yourself. You are not going to show them to anyone. Some people even enjoy 'Discipline' and 'Punishments'.

 

Once you know yourself, tell her to do the same. Once she has done it, you can openly talk with each other. You seem to me 'Perfect Reciprocal'. She seems to have a dominating and controlling mind, and you want her to be like that. Your relationship can improve greatly if you have better understanding between each other. Have 'Open Talks', which will be more like expressing personal desires with honesty, no matter what the other things. You can make the system of your relationship based on the common desires, and things will improve.

 

The sexual activities is not going to be much of problem when you will be done with this. If you think I'm right about your feelings, but you seem to have any hurdles, let me know. I will be glad to help you in that.

 

I hope it helps.

 

Zakfar.

[dreamingoftigers]

Sounds like she is a sexual compulsive actually. Could you possibly speak with a sexual therapist because it sounds like it is really generating some negative feelings for you.

[b1zmarkie]

Okay, we discussed this last night, at length, tears, etc. basically she's not interested in sex any more, at all. She admitted that she doesn't consider herself a sexual being, etc. She won't get help for her physical or internal pain, probably because she has a fear/resentment of doctors and feels like she has to shoulder everything herself. Since she was 13 or so, she has worked to support her drug-addicted, on-the-dole mother and sister.

I still feel guilty, because she doesn't feel anything's wrong. Am I wrong for wanting my partner to desire me, care how she looks, etc?

 

BTW, usually she's the one who likes being dominated and humiliated, but it works the other way too. The problem is, if it she does not feel that once-in-a-while desire, she does not even want to talk about sex. Starting to think there's a horomonal issue(she has physical symptoms as well) but she refuses to see a specialist, even though she has insurance and could afford it.

No really sure what to do at this point, we care deeply for each other, but I am a very sexual person, I care deeply about appearances(in my own way) and I do not know if I can stop caring about sensuality at 24.

 

Thanks for the tip, zakfar, could you elaborate?

Edited April 12, 2011 by b1zmarkie

[KoolKat]

I could be wrong, but here's some suggestions as to her odd behaviour.

 

She won't get help for her physical or internal pain, probably because she has a fear/resentment of doctors and feels like she has to shoulder everything herself.

 

Perhaps it's not so much a fear of the doctor, but a fear of being forced to relive everything she endured in those times? By not getting help for these things, she's trying to force these things down, out of her mind which is not healthy.

 

It could be that she can't keep them bottled anymore and those stifled emotions and thoughts are manifesting themselves in her strange behaviour.

 

You mentioned that she isn't really taking care of herself in terms of dressing up etc. This is usually a sign of feeling worthless.

 

I agree with you that the abuse is the reason for her obsessing over anything weak/injured etc. Because she was the victim once, it might be that she feels a connection with anything else she percieves as a victim and wants to help it. Or it could be that because she was made to feel weak once, it makes her feel stronger and more capable to see things that are weaker than her now that she can help.

 

Similarly, in regards to supporting her useless family and shouldering everything (even if it is becoming too much) - it is possible that doing this makes her feel stronger and more capable.

 

BTW, usually she's the one who likes being dominated and humiliated, but it works the other way too. The problem is, if it she does not feel that once-in-a-while desire, she does not even want to talk about sex.

 

Sadly, her first experiences of sex were obviously terrible and so this has polluted her view of what sex is. Obviously she does get sexual feelings otherwise she would never make love with you. Maybe she feels ashamed or dirty because she might be struggling to differentiate sex from making love. Hurting herself with the vibrator suggests that when she makes love, she feels she must punish herself.

If so, she wouldn't want to talk about it with you, because again, that would force her to relive her horrific past or she might worry that you would be angry at her, or go off her. Perhaps this is something you need to push her to talk about more.

 

I'm not entirely sure how you can break the connection she has in her head though that sex is bad. There is obviously a lot of psychological damage that she needs to see a councillor about whether she wants to or not. Unfortunately, there's no way you could force her to and even if you could, she'd probably only hate you for it.

 

I just want to say, I really admire you for sticking by her and trying to help her through these problems. You are being so kind and patient which is what she needs and you are proving to her that you do love her and care about her which she needs.

 

I know this must be difficult and probably also hurtful for you because you want to show her you love her through complete intimacy also but she won't let you.

 

I really hope things get better for both of you. Sorry I don't think I've been much use.

Edited April 12, 2011 by KoolKat

[b1zmarkie]

thank you all for your support, I am really at a loss here, I have been trying to foster intimacy for a long time now, and she seemingly would rather be "best friends", and use me for emotional support. Is that it, she's using me? I love her intensely, but am really close to telling her I am willing to look elsewhere for certain needs. I hate myself for it, but I am a carnal creature.

[KoolKat]

I really don't suggest looking elsewhere while you're still together. She's already fragile and insecure so if you did that, it would damage her a lot more.

 

I think that the only thing you can do is sit down, explain your needs and how unhappy you're feeling and discuss together where your relationship is going. Tell her that you are considering leaving. Ask her what you can work on together to improve things.

 

It might be that although you love each other, you're just not compatible and would be happier with other people?

 

I know it will be painful to talk about, but hopefully by discussing everything in depth, you might work things out. If not, then in the long run you will be happier as you're likely to meet someone who can better meet your needs.