My Ex Slept With Me and Then With Someone Else (A real mess)...

[Frank Johnson]

Here is the long and short of it...

 

I meet my ex three years ago... On the internet. We were living in different cities. We started out our relationship backwards, meaning that we would do the 'cyber' and 'phone' thing... Mainly as we thought we'd never meet...

We were also very candid with each other about our sexual exploits/tastes, etc... She told me she was binging on men at the time (about two or three a week) and I didn't mind or get jealous as I thought we would never amount to anything significant.

 

Well... a few months later, I moved to the city she lived in (and not for her but for career)... So we met in person.

This was bizarre... We already knew intimate details about each other from the phone and internet, exchanged photos, but had never dealt with each other as "real people"... Whoh....

 

In spite of this, we started dating and for the most part clicked. We created a monogamous relationship. We moved in together within five months, went on to live to together for the two years... Some of it great, some of it bad, some of it uneventful...

 

Well, by about August of 2003 it became clear that we were no longer fulfilling each other's needs... She called me critical, quick to anger and grouchy. And I did feel this way, true. But it was all out of my reacting to her behaviour.

Her behaviour would drive me insane....

 

By the end, she simply refused to work and contribute to our home. I would clean up the house, do the dishes, etc -usually after working all day... She would just sit there and stare at me... Or write something ugly in her journal about me.... She would actually criticize me about being clean! I should also mention there is a significant age difference, I am 32, she is 23.... Usually not an issue, but once in awhile a glaring reminder of how different we are.

 

Anyway, I finally had enough and asked her to leave last November. She did. I am alone.

 

And then we go through the whole "we're now friends with benefits" scenario... I thought I had it made. We could still have sex, go for walks, have dinner, see movies.... And I knew I wouldn't have to tormented by her living with me... And then around Christmas she housesits for me while I go to visit family out of province (I live in Canada)...

 

Anyway, she meets another guy on-line, who lives in Montreal (we live in Vancouver)... Next thing you know, she is flying out to be with him for a fun-filled, romantic weekend... and incidentally, this guy is 38, divorced with kids, and not interested in anything beyond... well... you decide....

 

So my heart is broke, because stupid me, I thought we were having some sort of connection. I come home in Jan and see her socially. She tells me that she had a wonderful time in Montreal and that we are just friends now. No sex. No nothing... Fine. So we hang out. Her relationship with Montreal Guy goes to pot once he gets once he wants and before too long, we're back in bed. It's fun, but also cloudy cos I don't completely trust her anymore.

 

Anyway for about two more months, we're into our routine. Sex. Walks. Talks. Movies. Reading. Bonding. When it's good with us, it's pretty good. As we do understand each other as people. We could be easy friends. Well... anyway... around the middle of March, it happens again.

 

We sleep together on Sun the 15th. By Friday the 19th, she's meet some army dude who just got back from Iraq at a party. Well, she proceeds to get down with him. Then the very next night she comes over to my place, doesn't tell me what's happened, and proceeds to spend the night with me in my bed(no sex though)... I know something has happened simply b/c her energy is different.

 

So the next morning I ask her and she tells me. I am hurt. Big time hurt. I say I don't want to see her anymore. She says fine.

 

Well within two days, we are hanging out every day of the week. She often shows up uninvited buzzing my apartment or ringing my phone. We do lunch, go for walks, talk, shop, etc... She says she just wants to be friends now and there is no longer any sexual/romantic feelings for her... I tell her I love her and want to be with her... She says I should've been a better boyfriend. She reminds me that I broke up with her, etc .... This goes on for a week or so. I fall into a huge depression over it. Can't sleep, eat, work, etc...

 

Finally, I do what I have to do and ignore her calls and do the no-contact thing for about a week. Well... now she is calling me and showing up at my place and being very friendly... I told her I had meet someone else.. I wonder if this contributes to it?

 

Anyway, I know this is long and messy so I'll finally get to the point.

 

Do we have a chance of a commited relationship?

What is her motivation with me now?

Do I have a right to be upset when she slept with that guy and then came into my bed the very next night (without telling me)?

I love her and want to be with her, but I have major trust issues... Should I heed these?

 

*One last thing, in anticipation... Sexual curiousity is not an issue for her. She is twenty-three and has had approx twenty-five partners. She's dated older men since she was seventeen. She has told me repeatedly that she is burnt out and no longer interested in casual sex...

 

I'm thirty-two and have had approx. half the number of lovers she's had... And there have been issues with depression (she is a confessed life-long sufferer and has/is on numerous medications... I also suffer from mood swings, but all of mine are circumstance related like money and bills, etc...)

 

Okay, thanks for reading, and all comments are appreciated.

[Papillon]

Do we have a chance of a commited relationship?

 

No

 

What is her motivation with me now?

 

Money, security, some nice guy to string along while she selfishly does her own thing with no respect for you.

 

Do I have a right to be upset when she slept with that guy and then came into my bed the very next night (without telling me)?

 

No, not really - you had 'officially' ended the relationship earlier. But, emotionally, yes, I'd be hurt too.

 

I love her and want to be with her, but I have major trust issues... Should I heed these?

 

When you see that little red light, beware. When you see a Las Vegas marquee - run!

 

 

You seem like a really nice, intelligent guy. I'm not going to pass judgement on the girl, but it does seem that she is not providing you with what you need from a relationship. Move along, Joe.

[overseas2004]

I suggest you read over your own post and ask yourself the questions you asked and quickly find the answers. They are pretty clear. Of course, it is easier for outsiders to say the answer because we are not emotionally drawn the way your are.

 

Of course you can't make it work (by the way).

[Frank Johnson]

Thanks for the replies you guys.. And yeah, I know, there is no 'making this work'... It's just tough to let go I suppose. We were/are good friends... And it's always been easy to rely on her for that. Anyway, thanks for the feedback.