It's one of those nights..

[JadedAmore]

Bad night.

 

I have no idea why in the world I did this to myself, but I read over past conversations today, ones that were nearing the end of the AP. In one particular conversation he played the victim card very well, and I saw myself apologizing a lot. Apologizing for things such as 'holding back' because I simply couldn't allow myself to love him completely. That was such a lie. I did, with everything in me. I wish I could scream it to him. I held back from showing it though, I missed every single little cue from him when he wanted me to shower him with affection and desire. Okay, not every single one.. but I failed to give him what he wanted, so he would get angry and swear at me. Yet, time and time again I came groveling. Why do I miss this R? Why am I wishing that I could prove to him I did love him, more than he would ever understand?

 

So of course, I feel as if I'm floating in a haze tonight. It crossed my mind to write a letter, but I wrote in my journal instead. I will not break NC. I have come too far to turn back now.

 

I just need strength, and to keep telling myself this.

[BB07]

Hang on girlie......you are having some withdrawal. It will pass........I promise. It's normal to feel that way and question why. Try to put it out of your mind, do something nice for yourself. Come and post if you need to.

 

Sending you a big ole hug............

[Amour7]

Jaded, I am with you, girl. I am sorry tonight is so hard. I was there last night. And when I woke this morning, I felt so much better and felt relieved and proud I didn't break down and contact him. From your post, I can hear how determined you are not to break NC. Good for you! The journal really seems to be working for you. Keep it up.

 

Hugs to you. I truly believe tomorrow will be better.

 

Bad night.

 

I have no idea why in the world I did this to myself, but I read over past conversations today, ones that were nearing the end of the AP. In one particular conversation he played the victim card very well, and I saw myself apologizing a lot. Apologizing for things such as 'holding back' because I simply couldn't allow myself to love him completely. That was such a lie. I did, with everything in me. I wish I could scream it to him. I held back from showing it though, I missed every single little cue from him when he wanted me to shower him with affection and desire. Okay, not every single one.. but I failed to give him what he wanted, so he would get angry and swear at me. Yet, time and time again I came groveling. Why do I miss this R? Why am I wishing that I could prove to him I did love him, more than he would ever understand?

 

So of course, I feel as if I'm floating in a haze tonight. It crossed my mind to write a letter, but I wrote in my journal instead. I will not break NC. I have come too far to turn back now.

 

I just need strength, and to keep telling myself this.

[Flabbergaster]

Oh jaded...

i'm so sorry, that hurts so bad

 

please move all those communications where you won't read them. if it's email and you can't ignore them...you are going to have to del them. That's the only way i keep myself from rereading the old love letters; i tell myself i have to delete them all if i reread any. buried in there are two of the best love letters ever...i'm not willing to lose those forever so i won't re-read ANY of the electronic stuff. In a few years (lifetimes?) i'll pick through for the best of the best. Or maybe i'll just del all of them, then.

 

Scream it at me, I'll listen. God knows i deserve to be screamed at by a forsaken woman, right?

You've got my shoulder. Go ahead and cry on it, cry all night if you need to. Let go of this pain, you will be back on your way in the morning. In the morning, you will wipe those tears away and get back on your way.

 

I held back from what I showed her. God i love(d) her so much more than she'll ever know. And she didn't realize it, because i was protecting her at the end. Well...that's opera.

So now that she's gone...i think "just one more day, with her." And then i think, "if I just didn't hold back this day, if i told her a little more that day, if i told her i wanted this with her..." and then i hurt a lot more.

Then...i slap myself, and i remind myself that even if i had shown her more...it wouldn't have been enough. Because the A would have still ended painfully; maybe even more painful than it did.

 

You can see that you gave too much of yourself, to get his approval. Therapy would help understand that, btw. In the meantime...f his approval. You don't need it anymore, don't want it any more. The only approval you're interested in from him is divorce papers and an engagement ring. Since that isn't coming (sadly), it's good riddance.

 

It was just a bad day. TOmorrow will be better. One day at a time, when they're bad. I woke up remembering smt super cute she would do while she slept. rough days all around? Tuesday will be better.

[Amour7]

So, it's a new day. Has the haze lifted at all? I hope so. Hang in there!

[Irishlove]

I feel for you. I did the same thing this morning. I can not get him off of my mind. I read all our old emails, texts, everything. My heart is hurting again. I liked the anger stage better. Now I am missing him terribly and I have a feeling he is feeling it too. I have a feeling within the next few weeks I'll hear from him. It's like this magnet that pulls us together. I want to cry but the tears won't come. They are just sitting there...waiting to roll......I can't stop loving him there is no use in trying. He will be in my mind until the day I die. He is my addiction.

[issohard]

My xMM blamed me why the things didn't work out. He made me feel so guilty so I have blamed myself. He said that I didn't gave him enough support, He said that I was cold and then He said that I have put so much pressure on him. Those things didn't make sense to me. When I didn't call or e-mail he said I was cold. When I wanted to see him he said I don't understand that he has to see his kids. Also he said that there were number of things that left him thinking if this relationship would ever worked out and I have done few things that pushed him away from me. He said he was almost heading at the same direction so he could not destroy his family for the same reason. Now I do understand that His marriage collapsed not because of his fat wife but because of him blaming everyone for everything. I was apologising a lot up to the moment I realised that I am not going to loose my dignity.

I know I was everything he wanted his wife to be bur regardless if he would ever changed his mind I would not stepped to the same river twice.

I don't blame myself anymore...

[jeweleestar]

Bad night.

 

I have no idea why in the world I did this to myself, but I read over past conversations today, ones that were nearing the end of the AP. In one particular conversation he played the victim card very well, and I saw myself apologizing a lot. Apologizing for things such as 'holding back' because I simply couldn't allow myself to love him completely. That was such a lie. I did, with everything in me. I wish I could scream it to him. I held back from showing it though, I missed every single little cue from him when he wanted me to shower him with affection and desire. Okay, not every single one.. but I failed to give him what he wanted, so he would get angry and swear at me. Yet, time and time again I came groveling. Why do I miss this R? Why am I wishing that I could prove to him I did love him, more than he would ever understand?

 

So of course, I feel as if I'm floating in a haze tonight. It crossed my mind to write a letter, but I wrote in my journal instead. I will not break NC. I have come too far to turn back now.

 

I just need strength, and to keep telling myself this.

 

 

I think I say that statement about 100 times a day, sometimes an hour. Hope that today is a better day. I seem to cycle through hurt and sad to pissed and mad.

 

Be strong, we have to remember that we are so much better than them!

 

jewel

[MLC64]

My xMM blamed me why the things didn't work out. He made me feel so guilty so I have blamed myself. He said that I didn't gave him enough support, He said that I was cold and then He said that I have put so much pressure on him. Those things didn't make sense to me. When I didn't call or e-mail he said I was cold. When I wanted to see him he said I don't understand that he has to see his kids. Also he said that there were number of things that left him thinking if this relationship would ever worked out and I have done few things that pushed him away from me. He said he was almost heading at the same direction so he could not destroy his family for the same reason. Now I do understand that His marriage collapsed not because of his fat wife but because of him blaming everyone for everything. I was apologising a lot up to the moment I realised that I am not going to loose my dignity.

I know I was everything he wanted his wife to be bur regardless if he would ever changed his mind I would not stepped to the same river twice.

I don't blame myself anymore...

 

Wow, this is exactly what happened (in bold)...in my sickening A. He said these exact things, would get upset at me b/c I was annoyed when he would cancel....omg.. then would say I was "demanding".

Well, today the tears came...they are fast and furious....Day 4 NC. It hurts like hell. I have NO clue how I am going to do this. I can't function as a mom, friend, employee, anything....I suck and really am mad at myself for yes...getting myself into this fricking mess.

If you are lurking here and considering whether you should stay in an A....DON'T do it. It hurts and it is painful beyond belief when it ends...and yes usually (other than a handful that I have read about), they do all expire.

[rainier]

I am so sorry you are hurting. NC is so painful because you relive every moment and second guess every choice. It looks as if he had a lot of the control. You acted as you felt and he made you feel bad for that. It really does do a job on your self esteem. I hope you can get out even though you do not want to and be around people and stay busy. Each moment think of something that would make you mad about him when you feel you are going to lose it. For me, I think of him sitting on the couch or across the table from his wife eating dinner as I sit and cry. We are all here for you so please stay strong. lol

[JadedAmore]

Oh jaded...

i'm so sorry, that hurts so bad

 

please move all those communications where you won't read them. if it's email and you can't ignore them...you are going to have to del them. That's the only way i keep myself from rereading the old love letters; i tell myself i have to delete them all if i reread any. buried in there are two of the best love letters ever...i'm not willing to lose those forever so i won't re-read ANY of the electronic stuff. In a few years (lifetimes?) i'll pick through for the best of the best. Or maybe i'll just del all of them, then.

 

Scream it at me, I'll listen. God knows i deserve to be screamed at by a forsaken woman, right?

You've got my shoulder. Go ahead and cry on it, cry all night if you need to. Let go of this pain, you will be back on your way in the morning. In the morning, you will wipe those tears away and get back on your way.

 

I held back from what I showed her. God i love(d) her so much more than she'll ever know. And she didn't realize it, because i was protecting her at the end. Well...that's opera.

So now that she's gone...i think "just one more day, with her." And then i think, "if I just didn't hold back this day, if i told her a little more that day, if i told her i wanted this with her..." and then i hurt a lot more.

Then...i slap myself, and i remind myself that even if i had shown her more...it wouldn't have been enough. Because the A would have still ended painfully; maybe even more painful than it did.

 

You can see that you gave too much of yourself, to get his approval. Therapy would help understand that, btw. In the meantime...f his approval. You don't need it anymore, don't want it any more. The only approval you're interested in from him is divorce papers and an engagement ring. Since that isn't coming (sadly), it's good riddance.

 

It was just a bad day. TOmorrow will be better. One day at a time, when they're bad. I woke up remembering smt super cute she would do while she slept. rough days all around? Tuesday will be better.

 

I did give too much. I'm looking back and questioning a lot of the decisions I made during the R. The painful moments are getting fewer and farther between, but when it strikes... man, it hurts.

 

But today is a good day.

 

And honestly, I'm at the point now that if he showed up at my door with divorce papers and an engagement ring today, I don't think I could take him back. After all we've been through, I wonder if he was as willing to give up as much as I had.. and to be honest, I find myself questioning if I could even trust him. If he'd strayed once, who's to say he won't again?

 

Thank you so much for listening and for your encouraging words.

 

So, it's a new day. Has the haze lifted at all? I hope so. Hang in there!

 

The haze has most certainly lifted! Yesterday was a busy day, I spent the morning with the best friend that I'd previously given up for the R.. we chatted some about the A and he was sympathetic.. but I didn't feel as sad while discussing it. I felt stronger. That's got to mean something.

 

I feel for you. I did the same thing this morning. I can not get him off of my mind. I read all our old emails, texts, everything. My heart is hurting again. I liked the anger stage better. Now I am missing him terribly and I have a feeling he is feeling it too. I have a feeling within the next few weeks I'll hear from him. It's like this magnet that pulls us together. I want to cry but the tears won't come. They are just sitting there...waiting to roll......I can't stop loving him there is no use in trying. He will be in my mind until the day I die. He is my addiction.

 

((hugs)) I hope your moment passes. I saw you're having trouble in another thread and I'm going to respond, but I'm on my way out the door so it'll be later. Feel free to PM me anytime you need to scream though, I'm here for ya.

 

Jaded, I am with you, girl. I am sorry tonight is so hard. I was there last night. And when I woke this morning, I felt so much better and felt relieved and proud I didn't break down and contact him. From your post, I can hear how determined you are not to break NC. Good for you! The journal really seems to be working for you. Keep it up.

 

Hugs to you. I truly believe tomorrow will be better.

 

And today was better! I'm very proud of myself for maintaining NC and I'm actually excited about approaching my 2 month mark. 2 weeks away!

 

Hang on girlie......you are having some withdrawal. It will pass........I promise. It's normal to feel that way and question why. Try to put it out of your mind, do something nice for yourself. Come and post if you need to.

 

Sending you a big ole hug............

 

Thank you so much, for listening and for the encouraging words. I truly don't know if you all will ever understand just how much it means to me! ((hugs!))

 

My xMM blamed me why the things didn't work out. He made me feel so guilty so I have blamed myself. He said that I didn't gave him enough support, He said that I was cold and then He said that I have put so much pressure on him. Those things didn't make sense to me. When I didn't call or e-mail he said I was cold. When I wanted to see him he said I don't understand that he has to see his kids. Also he said that there were number of things that left him thinking if this relationship would ever worked out and I have done few things that pushed him away from me. He said he was almost heading at the same direction so he could not destroy his family for the same reason. Now I do understand that His marriage collapsed not because of his fat wife but because of him blaming everyone for everything. I was apologising a lot up to the moment I realised that I am not going to loose my dignity.

I know I was everything he wanted his wife to be bur regardless if he would ever changed his mind I would not stepped to the same river twice.

I don't blame myself anymore...

 

Crazy how much we apologize when it doesn't seem to be necessary. Kudos to you for realizing this and moving on! I admire your strength, and though I'm a work in progress, I think I'm well on the way to forgiving myself. Thank you!

 

I think I say that statement about 100 times a day, sometimes an hour. Hope that today is a better day. I seem to cycle through hurt and sad to pissed and mad.

 

Be strong, we have to remember that we are so much better than them!

 

jewel

 

And we deserve better to!

 

Wow, this is exactly what happened (in bold)...in my sickening A. He said these exact things, would get upset at me b/c I was annoyed when he would cancel....omg.. then would say I was "demanding".

Well, today the tears came...they are fast and furious....Day 4 NC. It hurts like hell. I have NO clue how I am going to do this. I can't function as a mom, friend, employee, anything....I suck and really am mad at myself for yes...getting myself into this fricking mess.

If you are lurking here and considering whether you should stay in an A....DON'T do it. It hurts and it is painful beyond belief when it ends...and yes usually (other than a handful that I have read about), they do all expire.

 

Aww.. ((hugs)) The bad moments will pass, I promise. Look at how weak I was feeling in my original post. It hurts, I know it does. As time passes on you WILL find strength to keep going, and the heart will heal. Pretty soon, you'll be looking back and will likely be proud of how far you've come. Hang in there!

 

I am so sorry you are hurting. NC is so painful because you relive every moment and second guess every choice. It looks as if he had a lot of the control. You acted as you felt and he made you feel bad for that. It really does do a job on your self esteem. I hope you can get out even though you do not want to and be around people and stay busy. Each moment think of something that would make you mad about him when you feel you are going to lose it. For me, I think of him sitting on the couch or across the table from his wife eating dinner as I sit and cry. We are all here for you so please stay strong. lol

 

I've been doing exactly that -- staying busy! That's why I've been lacking in responses.. and it really does do wonders.