I view a virgin man the same a man views a virgin woman

[627]

That's fine. No problem with your views.

 

I just don't like the bashing of virgins (of both sexes) and the frequent putting them down, like they're some kind of "oddballs" for their choices, which in many cases, are admirable...

 

I'm just putting forward something to think about, which is what if you never find a person that you feel is the one for you? and as I said I have seen it happen, with both men and women, growing past 40 or 50 and not married. I can't imagine they feel they made the right call when they had the chance...

 

edit: since you brought up sex in marriage, I would like to ask as well, is it wise to marry someone that you never slept with? there are actualy cases of divorce caused by partners not finding themselves comfortable with each other in bed... or for example men who have problems performing and never mentionned that before

Edited April 14, 2011 by 627

[Floridaman]

Begin,

Want to send this to you in a PM, but your'e not "of age" yet.

So want to take a few stabs at some of your statements.

Originally Posted by Floridaman

You're in your 30s, right?

It really isn't too late.

I am 29. According to the teen and early twenty something girls' profiles it is.

Who cares what teenage girls and early 20-something girls want?

You don't need to waste your time trying to date those immature women anyway.

Go for women closer to your age, say 27-35. You may find more of them more interested in forming relationships.

Originally Posted by Floridaman

You have sexual AND companionship needs.

I've been told or it has been insinuated most of my life I hate people or am anti-social and that's probably true.

I prefer being a loner except in sexual satisfaction. I am not sure I buy into the companionship needs.

No, every man wants companionship. I think you do want a relationship. I think one could help you, with the right girl.

Originally Posted by Floridaman

Getting into a good relationship, that should help solve your physical needs as well.

From the many stories on the topic it doesn't for others. It would be ridiculous to believe I could be different.

Just bec. others have problems (I don't really get where you're coming from here), that doesn't mean you will be like them. Not all marriages end in divorce.

 

Ah, but relationships are where most get their satisfaction, emotionally and sexually...

I only believe in female virginity

This doesn't make sense. How can women be virgins but men can't?

Sounds like the old double standard.

It doesn't matter much if she is a virgin if she isn't gorgeous or at least petite and kind of cute.

Legal virgin girls typically aren't the kind any man wants.

Methinks you're falling for some mumbo-jumbo here.

 

What makes a virgin adult woman less desireable than a virgin adult male?

Or someone who's had sex more desireable than someone who hasn't?

Does not compute.

 

 

BeginAgain, I understand why you're disapoiinted. I too felt let-down and thought God had forgotten about me when I was single in my late 20s, a time of my life I'd just as soon forget.

Yes, some women mistreated me and wouldn't give me a chance, but that's the nature of the beast.

 

Thought I did everything right: Treated women well, did not press them for sex, and look what it got me: SINGLE AT 30!!! (in 1992).

 

HERE I WAS NOT IN A LONG TERM RELATIONSHIP.... (that would change in 3 mos. though when I met my future wife who saved my life)....

 

 

Originally Posted by Floridaman

Instead, invest all the worry and energy you're throwing away in this pursuit -- and use that passion to try to meet someone and get a relationship going.

I'm not sure I care anymore about a relationship.

Don't give up hope, BeginAgain.

 

If you were 39 or 49, you might have something to gripe about. There still is time to change things and meet the right kind of woman.

Edited April 15, 2011 by Floridaman

[Floridaman]

edit: since you brought up sex in marriage, I would like to ask as well, is it wise to marry someone that you never slept with? there are actualy cases of divorce caused by partners not finding themselves comfortable with each other in bed... or for example men who have problems performing and never mentionned that before

Wasn't meaning to ignore your question. Just didn't have a good answer for you.

 

Of course, not all couples are gonna mesh between the sheets, but that's where sex therapists or counselers may come in handy. And a little patience for both partners.

 

Personally, I can't say I married a woman I didn't have sex with before marriage. We started ML about 3 mos. -- not 3 dates like I read some doing on LS -- after meeting. But then again, were were in our 30s.....

 

Recalling some of your posts, I know you come from a Christian background, but aren't a Christian now (not that you're anti-Christian).... so I think you understand where some Christians and those of other faiths feel about this....

[fortyninethousand322]

The virginity thing by itself doesn't necessarily bother me, it's my overall lack of experience with pretty much anything (I've gone as far as hugging a few girls) that bothers me. I see how comfortable other guys are around girls (not even girls they're dating just in general) and I think that often gets me down because I'm usually an awkward bumbling mess when it comes to being in close physical proximity to women.

 

I don't feel pressure to lose my virginity or that I should just go out and have sex with just anyone. I would like to have sex with someone I was in a relationship with, because I think that's just a better way to approach sex than just a bunch of casual flings. I wouldn't care if I was dating a girl who was a virgin or not, but I don't plan on waiting until marriage.

[Ross MwcFan]

The virginity thing by itself doesn't necessarily bother me, it's my overall lack of experience with pretty much anything (I've gone as far as hugging a few girls) that bothers me. I see how comfortable other guys are around girls (not even girls they're dating just in general) and I think that often gets me down because I'm usually an awkward bumbling mess when it comes to being in close physical proximity to women.

 

I don't feel pressure to lose my virginity or that I should just go out and have sex with just anyone. I would like to have sex with someone I was in a relationship with, because I think that's just a better way to approach sex than just a bunch of casual flings. I wouldn't care if I was dating a girl who was a virgin or not, but I don't plan on waiting until marriage.

 

How often are you in situations where you're around girls?

[627]

Wasn't meaning to ignore your question. Just didn't have a good answer for you.

 

Of course, not all couples are gonna mesh between the sheets, but that's where sex therapists or counselers may come in handy. And a little patience for both partners.

 

Personally, I can't say I married a woman I didn't have sex with before marriage. We started ML about 3 mos. -- not 3 dates like I read some doing on LS -- after meeting. But then again, were were in our 30s.....

 

Recalling some of your posts, I know you come from a Christian background, but aren't a Christian now (not that you're anti-Christian).... so I think you understand where some Christians and those of other faiths feel about this....

that's true, and I appreciate the selectvity somewhat(to those who do not have sex before marriage) but if you are engaged to someone, and you know them lets say for a year... and you're about to get married, why not try and be sure there would be no problems?

 

I live in the middle east, way too conservative society, but you know how awkward it is when a couple splits up 2 month after they get married because it turns out the guy has a problem? and I can't help think how fast the meaning of marriage and love and eternal commitment washes away in those kind of situations.

 

too much extreme always creates problems, no matter how good the original idea seems.

[fortyninethousand322]

How often are you in situations where you're around girls?

 

What counts as "around" them? There are a few girls in some of my classes. Occasionally a girl customer comes in where I work, and on the rare occasion I see a girl when I'm out at the grocery store or something along those lines. I need to find a hobby that puts me in proximity with women. Right now I don't have that.

 

That's probably my biggest problem. Since I'm so rarely around women, I get so apprehensive and shy when I actually am around them. So, even when I do see a girl in class or whatever, it takes me a while to actually talk to them. I can't tell you how much I beat myself up over this.

[Ross MwcFan]

What counts as "around" them? There are a few girls in some of my classes. Occasionally a girl customer comes in where I work, and on the rare occasion I see a girl when I'm out at the grocery store or something along those lines. I need to find a hobby that puts me in proximity with women. Right now I don't have that.

 

That's probably my biggest problem. Since I'm so rarely around women, I get so apprehensive and shy when I actually am around them. So, even when I do see a girl in class or whatever, it takes me a while to actually talk to them. I can't tell you how much I beat myself up over this.

 

Just situations where there are girls near to you, like classes, at the checkouts in shops or whatever, where you may interact with them.

 

You've already said it for me, I was going to suggest, that if you're not around women and don't interact with them that much, then that is probably why you're shy with them. And therefore putting yourself around women more and trying to interact with them more, even if it's just starting off smiling when you make eye contact, will eventually lessen the shyness. It has with me anyway.

 

When you know doing this will make you less shy, and behave more narturally with them, it helps to give you even more strength to go ahead with it.

[dreamingoftigers]

Just situations where there are girls near to you, like classes, at the checkouts in shops or whatever, where you may interact with them.

 

You've already said it for me, I was going to suggest, that if you're not around women and don't interact with them that much, then that is probably why you're shy with them. And therefore putting yourself around women more and trying to interact with them more, even if it's just starting off smiling when you make eye contact, will eventually lessen the shyness. It has with me anyway.

 

When you know doing this will make you less shy, and behave more narturally with them, it helps to give you even more strength to go ahead with it.

 

Good for you for stepping up.

[Floridaman]

The virginity thing by itself doesn't necessarily bother me, it's my overall lack of experience with pretty much anything (I've gone as far as hugging a few girls) that bothers me.

 

I see how comfortable other guys are around girls (not even girls they're dating just in general) and I think that often gets me down because I'm usually an awkward bumbling mess when it comes to being in close physical proximity to women.

This thread my help:

Help for those who can't get dates in their late 20s, 30s and 40s

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t269779/

There are some suggestions there on dressing well, meeting more friends, etc.

 

A couple of years after college at 25 is when I "woke up" and seriously started dating women, so don't get to thinking you're too old.

 

If you start to work at it and ask more women out and get into some long-term dating relationships, within 2-5 years, you could find yourself

-in a serious relationship

-engaged

-married

 

Had my first real adult relationship at 26 (which ended against my wishes) but continued to "press on" in my dating in my late 20s and met my future wife 3 mos. after turning 30, so in your early 30s, you still have a lot of time ahead of you.

[somedude81]

What counts as "around" them? There are a few girls in some of my classes.

If you have classes in at a college, take a social dance class or salsa class.

 

There are always lots of attractive young women in those classes. The class will also require you to hold women in different ways.

 

It is a great way to start getting comfortable with women in a safe environment.

 

I strongly recommend it to any man who is anxious being around women.

[dreamingoftigers]

PLus men who can dance do so amazingly well with women statistically.

[Ross MwcFan]

Good for you for stepping up.

 

It took me a while. I never used to be able to believe for definate that putting myself in situations more where I'm shy or awkward would help me. So I just never had the strength to do it.

[somedude81]

PLus men who can dance do so amazingly well with women statistically.

Heh I wouldn't go that far.

 

I've been doing Salsa and Social dance for about two years and I do horribly with women.

 

BUT, I don't get nervous around women and have no problem touching them, joking around with them etc.

 

I'm far more comfortable around them than I used to be.

 

The awkward guys are way below the baseline of what the norm is. Something like a dance class can slowly bring them up to "normal" in terms of being comfortable.

[Floridaman]

Heh I wouldn't go that far.

 

I've been doing Salsa and Social dance for about two years and I do horribly with women.

 

BUT, I don't get nervous around women and have no problem touching them, joking around with them etc.

 

I'm far more comfortable around them than I used to be.

 

The awkward guys are way below the baseline of what the norm is. Something like a dance class can slowly bring them up to "normal" in terms of being comfortable.

That's good to hear you're doing better on that, aren't uncomfortable touching women anymore and trying to improve your social skills.

Can't say I did anything like that when I was single, so that is a good suggestion and something other single guys should consider.

[PelicanPete]

My whole view on the virginity thing is you should wait until you're in a loving relationship. Sex is just an act without love, and it can actually make you feel lonelier and empty if your just having sex with partners you don't really have feelings for. It can still be a good experience, but if you aren't in love it doesn't compare.

 

My ex and I waited a year and a half before we started having sex, and we both lost our virginity to each other. We both waited til we were in love with each other, and even though we were both inexperienced and only had an idea of what we were doing, it was magical.

 

To be honest, she sucked at sex . I always did everything, but when we were both in love with each other I didn't notice at all. Sex drastically changed when she didn't love me anymore, it was an entirely different feeling which made me focus more on the act, it was unsatisfying and it made me realize i did 100% of it. It is a completely different aura and mood when you do it with someone that loves you.

 

As for virgins in your 20s 30s+, I can't really relate because I lost it when I was 18. I would still be a virgin if I hadn't fallen in love with someone, and there really is no shame in being a virgin if your waiting for the right person. I waited for the right person, I just found her at a young age. I thought I was going to be with her for life, so she was right for me. Even though we aren't together anymore, I was in love with her so I don't regret it. . My best friend did it with some drunk 10th grader after he graduated high school, because of all the pressure from peers just so he wasn't a virgin. He regretted it and is now waiting for someone he loves.

 

Don't be discouraged, patience is a virtue

[Floridaman]

My whole view on the virginity thing is you should wait until you're in a loving relationship. Sex is just an act without love, and it can actually make you feel lonelier and empty if your just having sex with partners you don't really have feelings for. It can still be a good experience, but if you aren't in love it doesn't compare.

 

My ex and I waited a year and a half before we started having sex, and we both lost our virginity to each other. We both waited til we were in love with each other, and even though we were both inexperienced and only had an idea of what we were doing, it was magical.

 

To be honest, she sucked at sex . I always did everything, but when we were both in love with each other I didn't notice at all. Sex drastically changed when she didn't love me anymore, it was an entirely different feeling which made me focus more on the act, it was unsatisfying and it made me realize i did 100% of it. It is a completely different aura and mood when you do it with someone that loves you.

 

As for virgins in your 20s 30s+, I can't really relate because I lost it when I was 18. I would still be a virgin if I hadn't fallen in love with someone, and there really is no shame in being a virgin if your waiting for the right person. I waited for the right person, I just found her at a young age. I thought I was going to be with her for life, so she was right for me. Even though we aren't together anymore, I was in love with her so I don't regret it. . My best friend did it with some drunk 10th grader after he graduated high school, because of all the pressure from peers just so he wasn't a virgin. He regretted it and is now waiting for someone he loves.

 

Don't be discouraged, patience is a virtue

Good points.

 

If I could do it all again, I wouldn't have engaged in sex my sr. yr. of HS in 1980...

I didn't HAVE to have sex with her and honestly, wasn't really interested.

 

Until she told me that "I never tried anything..." (I think she had another BF who did a lot of petting with her- but she was a virgin as well.) So I started "exploring" her and one thing led to another....

 

Not sure why I felt I had to do that. Perhaps all the sexual images in the media and society.... I didn't have peer pressure or anything. It wasn't anything I talked about to others...

 

Of course, as I posted, that whole experience swore me off from having sex through most of my 20s ( 2 sep. encounters from 19-29), so I wasn't promiscuous.

[Eatpraylove48]

I totally agree with Dreamer Girl. I think it's wrong how men are pressured to lose their virginity, and personally I'm turned off a guy if I find out he's been sleeping around all over the place. I want to be with someone who feels that sex is a special thing to be shared with someone you love. I have had sex with a virgin before, and I felt privileged that he'd chosen me after waiting so long.

 

I completely agree. I have nothing against men who choose to sleep around, I mean, hey each to their own but personally I go for the guys who do not usually sleep around. Not just because of the love factor but also because of the higher chances of contracting an STD.

[JohnnyBlaze]

I always cringe at the phrase "losing your virginity". I didn't lose mine, I gave it. Willingly and happily, to a woman I loved. We we so much in love that we were engaged, so I fully believed that she would be the only woman I'd ever be with, and I was happy about that. It didn't work out, but that's another story.

 

Point is, people seem to assume that everyone who is not a virgin somehow lost it to some random drunk chick at a house party and was nothing but meaningless, uninspired sex. That's not always the case.

[LeaningIntoTheMuse]

I don't feel a rush to get into a relationship either, but I do feel weird for being a virgin.

 

That's the difference between female and male virgins. Men are looked down upon, and teased, for not sticking their penis in every vagina. While women are looked up as being "perfect" and "just not having met the right person", in the same situation.

 

It's kind of sickening.

 

I don't think I'm an unattractive person. I shower regularly, shave regularly, brush my teeth, wear deodorant/cologne, throw out old clothes that either don't fit me or are ripped or discolored. And I keep my hair in a decent looking haircut, and have stylish glasses.

 

You know where it's gotten me? Nowhere, that's where it's gotten me.

 

I accept that I'm introverted, and that I am not exactly a jock, so I can't expect an athletic girl to go after me. And I wear my shyness with pride. I am proud that I'm not a loudmouth, I am proud that I don't stick my dick in diseased vagina after vagina, I'm proud that I haven't resorted to a hooker.

 

But will all of that matter, when she asks me if I'm a virgin? Or she dumps me because I'm not a good lover?

 

I can't compete with guys who have been having sex since they were 14, when I'm nearing 30.

[dreamingoftigers]

It's sex and lovemaking, you aren't at the Olympics. The girl you will be with will love it because you will be exploring HER not just ANOTHER GIRL. there us a huge difference.

 

My last ex was a virgin when I met him. Actually to be quite frank he was still technically a virgin when we broke up, but we were really in live and the connection we had sexually was amazing. He was so attentive to all of the little nuances in the way I was and so caring and focused.

 

My h has had over 60 sexual partners. Yes he had the "moves" and the "drive" and I have had done wicked orgasms, but really he doesn't even seem to care at all about connecting to me and it feels like he is just trying to generate an O from me so he can get his over with. I don't even feel attracted to him anymore after all of the lusting he has done for others as well. The fact that he has nailed everything that moves left nothing special for us and if he ever did decide he wanted a special connection with me there would be fo much damage to repair.

 

If we split up I will never give another high-mileage guy a chance.

[Floridaman]

I don't feel a rush to get into a relationship either, but I do feel weird for being a virgin.

Leaning,

No reason to feel odd about not having sex.

 

Virgins aren't necessarily any better than non-virgins and just bec. someone has had a lot of sex, that doesn't mean they know more about how to treat their partner --- as DreamingofTigers posted. (Hadn't thought of it that way before. Thanks, DreamingofTigers).

 

Yes, I've changed my views on virgin women these past 2-3 mos.

 

Remember my posting on another board how I yearned for that 30 y.o. virgin NEAR-fiance I dated when I was 26 (in 1988)?

"Look what I could have had... a 30 y.o. virgin..."

Well, she was very judgemental and came to tears when I admitted my experience....

The breakup devastated me and I felt like I was gonna die. All those feelings came back to me a couple of months ago.

 

TBH, I'd rather have been dating a non-virgin than have taken the condemnatoin I got from her. That really hurt and I am still upset about it...

 

You just haven't had the chances many other guys have had, but still, there are many guys in your shoes. And I do know how you feel, though I wasn't a virgin in my 20s...

That's the difference between female and male virgins. Men are looked down upon, and teased, for not sticking their penis in every vagina. While women are looked up as being "perfect" and "just not having met the right person", in the same situation.

 

It's kind of sickening.

I don't get that either. It's one's life choices that matter, not how many women they got to drop their pants.... After all, this isn't some contest to see how many women we can lay....

 

Think of it this way:

13 y.o.s are now having sex.

Does that mean at their age, they're better or smarter than older people who haven't had sex?

I don't think I'm an unattractive person. I shower regularly, shave regularly, brush my teeth, wear deodorant/cologne, throw out old clothes that either don't fit me or are ripped or discolored. And I keep my hair in a decent looking haircut, and have stylish glasses.

This is good... keep yourself in shape, looking good, dressing well, etc.

Don't ever go out looking like a wreck. That isn't attractive to women.

You know where it's gotten me? Nowhere, that's where it's gotten me.

At 29, I was mad as hell. I though God had forgotten me.

Through my 20s, I treated women well, didn't press them for sex (mainly for religious reasons, but for fear of pregnancy, STDs, plus, casual sex isn't good and leaves you feeling worse)

Of course, I had sexual feelings and "released" - I often felt guilty about that too.....

 

Tried not to let my disappointment show as negative people don't attract others.

Kept dating, but "kept my expectations down" -- meaning, tried not to get my hopes up too high with every new woman I dated.

After all, if I got to thinking she could be "the one," it would prob. end (always not my choice) so I would just be disappointed and didn't want to get teary about it... that only hurts.

I accept that I'm introverted, and that I am not exactly a jock, so I can't expect an athletic girl to go after me. And I wear my shyness with pride. I am proud that I'm not a loudmouth, I am proud that I don't stick my dick in diseased vagina after vagina, I'm proud that I haven't resorted to a hooker.

You have your own qualities. I wasn't a jock either and certainly not a loudmouth, though I didn't always say the right things and think I said something too boastfull that a woman overheard at a social function before I could ask her out.... Great goin' there....

 

On the not sticking your you-know-what, that shows you are responsible.

I think you posted how you once had an opportunity (a woman invited you...) but you declined. That shows maturity.

But will all of that matter, when she asks me if I'm a virgin? Or she dumps me because I'm not a good lover?

Don't fear that bec. I don't think that will happen, as DreamingofTigers posted.

We can go into that more later on what to say when you get asked about your experience if you like as this post is getting long...

I can't compete with guys who have been having sex since they were 14, when I'm nearing 30.

You're not going to compete against them.

 

The kind of women you're likely going to date are either virgins or ones that have had limited partners.

I don't think "players" or the "Hooters" or "hot girl" types are attracted to guys like you and I.

 

As you're 30, go after the women a little older than you.

They're more mature and are usually looking for serious relationships like you.

 

These older women may have dated players who only wanted to satifsy their penises.... and see where that got them (those bad-boy types tend not to stick around)...

Many have had only a couple of partners.

 

The woman I married only had a former fiance she engaged in sex with after engagment like 10 years before we met....

TBH, I didn't want a woman who had lots of sexual experience.

Of course, I could fall in love with any woman, but wanted one similar to me in terms of sexual experience and life background.

 

Can say more but this should be good for now.

Post again at that thread I linked to earlier on help for those in their late 20s, 30s and 40s... The advice there could help...

 

Don't get too down on yourself. Being a virgin is nothing to be ashamed of.

Losing it through a relationship will be much more satisfying....

Edited April 22, 2011 by Floridaman

[Ross MwcFan]

PLus men who can dance do so amazingly well with women statistically.

 

Yeah, I've heard about that too. Pretty weird.

[somedude81]

Yeah, I've heard about that too. Pretty weird.

Just don't get it into your head that being able to dance is what makes them do good with women.

 

You take a guy who is good with women, then teach him to dance, and now people are assuming he's good with women because he dances. No he was good with women before he learned to dance.

[Ross MwcFan]

Just don't get it into your head that being able to dance is what makes them do good with women.

 

You take a guy who is good with women, then teach him to dance, and now people are assuming he's good with women because he dances. No he was good with women before he learned to dance.

 

What I've heard is that guy's who are good with women or who are attractive, even when they're not dancing, are naturally good dancers.

 

So it's no surprise that I can't dance to save my life.

Edited April 23, 2011 by Ross MwcFan