mogul Posted April 12, 2011 Posted April 12, 2011 (edited) Like the title, how do you feel after you think you've been used for sex? Whether it is a first or second date, or the first night you meet. The guy seems great, interested, calls and text up until the sex happens and suddenly pulls back. How would you feel about him? Do you voice your opinion to him, or just let it go? *Not talking about turning it in to a fwb situation, but simply doesn't initiate and brief/vague responses about schedule and simply done with you.* Edited April 12, 2011 by mogul
ilani Posted April 12, 2011 Posted April 12, 2011 used. feel hurt. trust guys less. date less. complain to friends that all men are pigs. date more. meet cool guy. think you've found someone special again. get used for sex a 2nd time. feels stupid. never trust guys again. I exaggerate a lil, but something along that line.
denise_xo Posted April 12, 2011 Posted April 12, 2011 I don't think in those terms, and I really don't like the 'victim' role that line of thinking implies. If I have sex with someone, it's MY choice. If I decide to have sex with someone before we know it's going to go further/before we're exclusive/ whatever, it's MY choice. I then take the 'risk' that this implies, if you want to conceptualise it in those terms. If a man dumps me because I 'had sex to early', it's definitely not my kind of man anyway and I'll just say good riddance. I have zero respect for men who apply one standard to women and another to themselves, and I don't want them in my life.
ilani Posted April 12, 2011 Posted April 12, 2011 denise. i agree with you. high five. yet similarly, i think if this happened to me, I may say the things you said on the outside, yet inside still feel like crap.
denise_xo Posted April 12, 2011 Posted April 12, 2011 denise. i agree with you. high five. yet similarly, i think if this happened to me, I may say the things you said on the outside, yet inside still feel like crap. High five back, ilani. Well, I might feel bad about it if I wanted more. If I'm in love with the guy, then I'd definitely want more than a one night stand but the feeling bad-aspect wouldn't be about 'feeling used'. It would be feeling bad about it not working out or not being what I had hoped. It's the 'he used me' logic I don't buy, because it somehow implies that a) that I acted on some kind of promise of something more when no such promise existed, and/or b) that I somehow had sex in exchange for exclusivity before exclusivity was established, and/or c) that I'm engaging in some kind of game with a man where I am allowing him to use me. And I'm simply not that delusional I have to say, though, with age it becomes relatively easy to screen out those who are only after sex and those who have some genuine emotional involvement.
Eeyore79 Posted April 12, 2011 Posted April 12, 2011 It makes me feel dirty and used. I am always clear that sex is special and I assume the relationship has a future if we do it, so when a guy knows my feelings and still uses me anyway, it makes me hate him for being a manipulative liar. It also makes me feel stupid, because I wouldn't have had sex with the guy unless he'd made me believe we had a future, so I'd hate myself for being dumb enough to be taken in by his lies. It's sad that the dishonorable behavior of some men makes me (and many other women) wary of all men.
denise_xo Posted April 12, 2011 Posted April 12, 2011 It makes me feel dirty and used. I am always clear that sex is special and I assume the relationship has a future if we do it, so when a guy knows my feelings and still uses me anyway, it makes me hate him for being a manipulative liar. It also makes me feel stupid, because I wouldn't have had sex with the guy unless he'd made me believe we had a future, so I'd hate myself for being dumb enough to be taken in by his lies. It's sad that the dishonorable behavior of some men makes me (and many other women) wary of all men. I think this here is key and I agree with your general sentiment, but I think some of the problem here is that a lot of women don't make that clear (if that is the way they feel) but still complain later. And in those cases, I think we need to take responsibility ourselves.
musemaj11 Posted April 12, 2011 Posted April 12, 2011 Being used for sex is overrated. The loss is mostly in the mind. Its imaginary.
Darren Taylor Posted April 12, 2011 Posted April 12, 2011 There's no such thing as being used for sex. Unless you were raped, it means you had sex willingly and that you wanted it.
SmileFace Posted April 12, 2011 Posted April 12, 2011 As long as the sex is consensual, I can not be used for sex.
bac Posted April 12, 2011 Posted April 12, 2011 Like the title, how do you feel after you think you've been used for sex? Whether it is a first or second date, or the first night you meet. The guy seems great, interested, calls and text up until the sex happens and suddenly pulls back. How would you feel about him? Do you voice your opinion to him, or just let it go? *Not talking about turning it in to a fwb situation, but simply doesn't initiate and brief/vague responses about schedule and simply done with you.* A girl can be used for sex once when she is naive and has no experience. She feels kind of stupied after sex. It is just a learning experience, so, after being used she can figure out what she wants and how to avoid being used in the future.
kiss_andmakeup Posted April 12, 2011 Posted April 12, 2011 I've never felt like I've been used for sex. I've also never had a guy suddenly lose interest after sex. In my experiences they became more interested if anything.
SweetDaphne Posted April 12, 2011 Posted April 12, 2011 I feel hurt - but after reading some responses, it's my own fault. Either for jumping in too early, being too horny and wanting it, or for expecting more from them then what was discussed. Either way - it's a lesson learned. The pain is there no doubt, but it will go away soon, and then you at least have more knowledge for the future.
Jazzari Posted April 12, 2011 Posted April 12, 2011 I've never been used for sex, but there have been dates where the man has pulled back because of my refusal to have sex. So it was clear that was all they were after. If I wasn't seriously interested in the man, I give an eye roll and move on. If I was into the guy, then I would feel disappointed, angry and ashamed that he wasn't what I thought and that I misjudged so badly. I don't vent my feelings to the guy or even let him know that it bothered me. It's best to retain some pride, get over it as soon as possible and move on.
Mutant Debutante Posted April 12, 2011 Posted April 12, 2011 Well, I have done it a few times with guys who misrepresented themselves, who misled me pretty bad and turned out to be users or abusers. When I was younger, my radar was pretty bad from a messed-up childhood and I made some big mistakes, learned the hard way. I can tell you that it really hurts. I like all the empowering stuff that some of the ladies on this thread have said and I can agree with a lot of it, but I didn't actually FEEL it at the time. I felt gross and creeped out that somebody had been inside my body under false pretenses, like I had been invaded or violated or something even though I had consented when I thought things were different. I felt like I had lost something. I was depressed, and I hated the guy as a person, and I hated myself for being with him and falling for his crap, and I felt stupid. It made me not want to have sex or trust men.
ASG Posted April 12, 2011 Posted April 12, 2011 I don't think in those terms, and I really don't like the 'victim' role that line of thinking implies. If I have sex with someone, it's MY choice. If I decide to have sex with someone before we know it's going to go further/before we're exclusive/ whatever, it's MY choice. I then take the 'risk' that this implies, if you want to conceptualise it in those terms. If a man dumps me because I 'had sex to early', it's definitely not my kind of man anyway and I'll just say good riddance. I have zero respect for men who apply one standard to women and another to themselves, and I don't want them in my life. Another high five! I am in charge of my life and do whatever it is that I want to do. If that is sleeping with someone, then it happens. Sometimes they don't call and I may be slightly bummed about it, if I thought I might like them, but I move on. Sometimes I'm the one that doesn't call. I also hate the double standard. So if that's the way they feel, good riddance and don't come back!
refurb Posted April 12, 2011 Posted April 12, 2011 Not to hijack this thread, but do any guys feel like they've been used for sex? If I have sex with a girl only for the reason of having sex, the answer is no (obviously). If I have sex with a girl that I'm interested in a relationship with, but she was just interested in sex, I'd be disappointed that she's not interested, but I'd never regret having sex with her (unless there were other ramifications like disease). If I had sex with a girl that I wasn't interested in, but she was interested in a relationship, I wouldn't regret the act, but I would regret hurting her (so maybe I would regret the sex...). RF
musemaj11 Posted April 12, 2011 Posted April 12, 2011 Not to hijack this thread, but do any guys feel like they've been used for sex? If I have sex with a girl only for the reason of having sex, the answer is no (obviously). If I have sex with a girl that I'm interested in a relationship with, but she was just interested in sex, I'd be disappointed that she's not interested, but I'd never regret having sex with her (unless there were other ramifications like disease). If I had sex with a girl that I wasn't interested in, but she was interested in a relationship, I wouldn't regret the act, but I would regret hurting her (so maybe I would regret the sex...). RF Exactly, it is one thing to feel dosappointed if you want more but the other person doesnt. But its another thing to consensually have sex with someone and then feel used over it. I mean its not like the other person takes your money or belongings.
LeaningIntoTheMuse Posted April 12, 2011 Posted April 12, 2011 Let me put this as bluntly as I possibly can. If you consent, you weren't used for sex. You obviously chose to have sex with that guy, either to get him to like you more or to get him off your back, and you should have known better. A guy who would pressure you into sex obviously has only one thing on his mind. So you should know better.
refurb Posted April 12, 2011 Posted April 12, 2011 Let me put this as bluntly as I possibly can. If you consent, you weren't used for sex. You obviously chose to have sex with that guy, either to get him to like you more or to get him off your back, and you should have known better. A guy who would pressure you into sex obviously has only one thing on his mind. So you should know better. I disagree. What if the guy is being deceitful? He says he wants a long-term relationship (but doesn't really), the girl waits until she is sure he's telling the truth, they have sex, the guy dumps her. That's being used for sex, isn't it? RF
Mutant Debutante Posted April 12, 2011 Posted April 12, 2011 "If you consent, you weren't used for sex" This is such an odd statement. If you didn't consent, you were raped. So, does that mean you guys think nobody can ever get used for sex? Or that rape is using for sex? Haven't you ever heard of false pretenses? I've had money stolen, and been used for sex. Personally I liked it better when it was only my money. That's fine if not everybody feels that way but it's sad that people can't try to understand why other people feel differently. Sex is different to different people.
threebyfate Posted April 12, 2011 Posted April 12, 2011 While I too am of the belief that no one can be used for sex, there's the betrayal element involved too. By betrayal, if you view sex as an intimate connection between two caring individuals, the knowledge that it was just an itch to scratch for the other person just blows the concept of caring intimacy to shreds. In other words, the caring and want to connect was just a string tied on your side, flapping in the breeze since there's no anchor on the other side. It was all just your imagination and that makes it more than sad and quite painful. But then, I don't believe in having sex after the first or second date since there's no real connection in general. In order for it to get to the point of hopping into the sack, the other person would have had to pretend to care, for a lot more dates than one or two. So the betrayal would have been two-fold since I would have bonded to someone who didn't give a crap, beyond having a body for him to masturbate with, and it was all a fantasy on my side.
Author mogul Posted April 13, 2011 Author Posted April 13, 2011 Maybe I should rephrase my title to simply "How do you feel when a guy pulls back after sex?". It seems the term "used" is taboo to women. However, I seriously question that women are really that indifferent after a guy stops talking to them suddenly after sex. All the responses on here seem to indicate women want the sex and only sex just as much as men. There have been times where I've run in to the same women out, and after the formalities I get a sudden "you're a jerk/ahole" albeit with a smile. On some occasions, after a certain point when they get the hint I am not interested I get some resentful texts/VMs. Finally, there are the ones who don't care and take it for what it is and don't initiate contact if I don't. Which I respect. I don't try to sleep with them under false pretenses. I don't paint them a picture of a happy relationship or promise anything. I just care a lot more prior to sex, and enjoy their company. I will do "formal dates" with dinners, and going out to clubs at times meeting up with a group of my friends. Is that misleading that I do actual dates, and ask how their day is or goodnight/good mornings? It is only within a span of 7-10 days. It isn't like I string them along for months only to disappear after sex.
Mutant Debutante Posted April 13, 2011 Posted April 13, 2011 (edited) Let's see, you take them out on formal official dates, dinners, they meet your friends, you act like you care about them and enjoy their company, and then after they have sex with you you disappear and stop returning their calls because you dont' care about them anymore. Yeah, you're misleading them. You're a garden-variety *******, at least in this area of your life. Ten deep on the ground, and most grown women are used to your type, but of course you've hurt people's feelings and made at least some girls feel used and bad and made them jaded. Is that something you're proud of? Something that makes you feel good about the life you lead? Edited April 13, 2011 by Mutant Debutante
highviolet Posted April 13, 2011 Posted April 13, 2011 I personally have never felt bad for being "used" for sex, especially if I knew it was a one night kinda thing. But I agree with Mutant, you are kinda being a douche. You have evidence that what you do bothers some women, and you do practice in deceit, in that you act way more interested in the women for something other than sex beforehand, and then drop them after. I guess it's all about the thrill of the chase with you, huh? It's a pretty crappy way to treat people. JMO
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