8 months later and still not over him. How much longer?

[makelemonade1974]

Every day gets better. I've tried dating - I have a guy that I like, but don't feel particularly strongly about. We are thinking about taking it to the next level (uh, physically) but I know I still have ex issues and I'm thinking of just breaking it off. It's not fair to him. Last night I looked through some old photographs and just completely fell apart. I still love my ex! After 8 freaking months. And he has NO feelings for me. None. He has told me not to contact him and never wants to talk to me again.

 

I'm doing everything right. I'm in therapy (not sure it's helping, but I go anyway), I spend time caring for myself and improving myself, I've planned a trip to go hiking in Ecuador (in the Amazon rainforest) this June. I'm absorbed in my work, taking up new activities, etc. I feel good a lot of the time, but the pain is still there.

 

I honestly think this is the only time I've been in love for real, which is strange at 36, but I was in a bad marriage for a long time. Does it hurt like this for so long because it was such a special love? Is it EVER going to stop or should I just resign myself to being single and damaged forever? Is this an unreasonable amount of time to get over a breakup?

 

We were together for two years. We had some fights towards the end, but I thought we were really in love (apparently I was the only one who thought that). I have some suspicions he's narcissistic, but no proof.

 

Thoughts? I should definitely break it off with the new guy, yes?

[smudge21]

Have you explained any of this to the new guy? I just ask as you may find he's understanding. Fair enough, it may not work out for you both but surely that's better then just ending it anyway?

 

As for the 8 months thing. I still maintain there's no time limit on this. I get grief off friends cos I'm not over my ex even though it's probably over 5 months since anything happened between us (we stayed friends but I couldn't do it anymore so said goodbye 3 weeks ago). I believe one thing that does hold us back is when we focus on why we're not healed... then we start questioning everything and that brings back memories and feelings.

 

Just carry on as you are doing. Think about what to say to this new guy. Concentrate on what sounds like a great hiking trip. I do believe that memories and feelings for ex's stay with us forever but we lock them away. Just like when a loved one dies. You never forget them, you just live with it and move on; taking the memory of them with you.

[smudge21]

Have you explained any of this to the new guy? I just ask as you may find he's understanding. Fair enough, it may not work out for you both but surely that's better then just ending it anyway?

 

As for the 8 months thing. I still maintain there's no time limit on this. I get grief off friends cos I'm not over my ex even though it's probably over 5 months since anything happened between us (we stayed friends but I couldn't do it anymore so said goodbye 3 weeks ago). I believe one thing that does hold us back is when we focus on why we're not healed... then we start questioning everything and that brings back memories and feelings.

 

Just carry on as you are doing. Think about what to say to this new guy. Concentrate on what sounds like a great hiking trip. I do believe that memories and feelings for ex's stay with us forever but we lock them away. Just like when a loved one dies. You never forget them, you just live with it and move on; taking the memory of them with you.

[makelemonade1974]

Well, my timeline is off. We broke up Sept 27th, so not quite 7 months? This is normal?

[smudge21]

There is no 'normal' when dealing with relationships. How long it takes you to feel better is totally with you. The more you worry about it, the worse you'll feel.

 

I'm having good and bad days all the time. I can't change that, it happens. Sadly I'm still in the early days where I'm finding it tough to allow myself to let go... it's like I don't want to accept she's gone. So in a way I'm making it worse for myself. I guess that's hardly normal is it.

[Thatguyintx]

Make,

 

I am ahead of you by a couple of weeks. I still have times of really feeling low. This is really normal. I am truly feeling it for the first time. Every other time a relationship ended, I jumped into another and never had to face the pain and unresolved "crap". This time I chose to face it. Oh brother, it's been interesting!

 

Perfectly normal to still be unresolved at this point. And I agree, be very open with new guy. Don't just run away. That may just add another layer to your "crap" pile.

[makelemonade1974]

I've been honest with the new guy. He knows I'm not over my ex, but I don't think he realizes how much I'm still in love with him. And I don't know if I can actually sleep with him. I don't know if I can handle it. Part of me thinks my ex will eventually come back? If I just kick it for a few years . . . I know that sounds utterly ridiculous, but there was just something really unique about this man. My therapist thinks the "unique" thing is that it was the most dysfunctional relationship I've ever been in, and she may be right, but I can't help the way I feel.

 

I would like to have some sex. But I don't want to hurt anyone. And I'm a little afraid I won't be able to handle it. I don't think this new guy is "the one." I feel very little emotion for him. I trust him. I feel affection for him. I admire his character. I think he's attractive. But love? Are you kidding? Not even close.

[GreenPolicy]

I've been honest with the new guy. He knows I'm not over my ex, but I don't think he realizes how much I'm still in love with him. And I don't know if I can actually sleep with him. I don't know if I can handle it. Part of me thinks my ex will eventually come back? If I just kick it for a few years . . . I know that sounds utterly ridiculous, but there was just something really unique about this man. My therapist thinks the "unique" thing is that it was the most dysfunctional relationship I've ever been in, and she may be right, but I can't help the way I feel.

 

I would like to have some sex. But I don't want to hurt anyone. And I'm a little afraid I won't be able to handle it. I don't think this new guy is "the one." I feel very little emotion for him. I trust him. I feel affection for him. I admire his character. I think he's attractive. But love? Are you kidding? Not even close.

 

It takes time to fall in love. If he's "new" then of course you're not going to feel "love" for him yet. The new guy knows you're healing. He should be well aware that you regard him as not much more than a rebound at this point. Sometimes rebounds develop into much more. As long as you're honest with where you're at and you're still mending a broken heart, then you're not leading him on and you can have sex with him with a clean conscience. I'd say give him a chance. You're going to run into this problem with every guy you meet until you've sufficiently healed from your ex.

 

Saturday will be 6 months for me. I'm not over her, not by a long shot, but I can tell I've made progress, so that gives me hope that I'm going to get there. I've even got laid a few times, and even though it didn't work out with the girl, it at least gave me validation that I've still got some "game."

[nana841121]

Have you explained any of this to the new guy? I just ask as you may find he's understanding. Fair enough, it may not work out for you both but surely that's better then just ending it anyway?

 

As for the 8 months thing. I still maintain there's no time limit on this. I get grief off friends cos I'm not over my ex even though it's probably over 5 months since anything happened between us (we stayed friends but I couldn't do it anymore so said goodbye 3 weeks ago). I believe one thing that does hold us back is when we focus on why we're not healed... then we start questioning everything and that brings back memories and feelings.

 

Just carry on as you are doing. Think about what to say to this new guy. Concentrate on what sounds like a great hiking trip. I do believe that memories and feelings for ex's stay with us forever but we lock them away. Just like when a loved one dies. You never forget them, you just live with it and move on; taking the memory of them with you.

 

 

Memory is just memory, it doesn't have any substantial force

[nana841121]

We need to find a meaning and purpose for our lives,otherwise we can't continue living.

Your mind is still on EX, because you haven't found the new meaning of life

 

Don't overestimate ex's impact

 

It's your lifestyle who blocked you from being happy again

[longterm]

I really hope this doesn't happen to me. I just posted a thread about being in comparison mode. Since I may become friends with my X I'm thinking it will be ok and I can move on. Like others said, there is no real time limit to this. It is up to you to move on. This new guy may be good and all, but it is only fare to him that you tell him your concerns. Who knows... after a little while away from your new guy, you might actually find that he is on your mind. Never really know. You may just need some space of your own.

[Melia]

I know how you feel me and my ex broke up on September 16th, 2010.. It's almost been 7 months and once I think I'm over him.. Somthing pops up that reminds me of him and the tears flood back! I was in a relationship a month after the breakup, but broke that off because I couldn't let this nice kid be a rebound. My ex dated my bestfriend a week after we broke up. ( me and her are no longer bestfriends.) and now he's dating his other ex girlfriend who tried breaking us up last year. He is such a bad influence and he is a druggie.. Along with his girl. The whole situation sucks.

 

As for your case, I know you still love your ex, but Maybe If you date this new guy.. Youll eventually get over your ex. Do what you think is right, what you think will make you happy!!

[Fufu]

I always believe in this.

 

My ex only hurt me ONCE because he chose to break up with me and not giving this relationship a chance.

 

However, the other times I am feeling hurt. I AM THE ONE who hurts myself over and over again and not doing new things for myself to start moving on.

 

They can hurt us once and that's it, we don't have to hurt ourselves over and over again. It's all in the mind.