Not sure how much more I can take

[Sparty97]

My wife and I have been married for about 15 yrs now and her mental health has gotten steadily worse. She suffers from depression, adhd and an anxiety disorder. The anxiety thing is the piece that has gotten much worse lately. In December she had a minor (and I mean minor) fender bender. She got all neurotic about filling out the police report to the point where it practically debilitated her for several days. She couldn't participate in filling out our tax return because she nearly had a panic attack worrying about whether or not we were "cheating" on our taxes. Most recently she had to return to the Gap because she realized that she got a 15% discount she shouldn't have. We had to change our weekend plans because she felt like she "stole" what amounts to a few dollars...

 

My frustration level with this whole thing is reaching critical mass. She is seeing a shrink and is medicated for depression and the anxiety, but I don't know how much more I can take. I resent her constantly, I feel anger almost every time that I look at her, I don't even want to share the same bed as her. We don't have much of a sex life (once a month maybe). I find myself delaying coming home from work or working out a little longer at the gym so I don't have to come home. She always wants to "talk" about something...I just can't do it...

[dreamingoftigers]

Before you consider leaving her, set some FIRM SOLID BOUNDARIES for how much you can take. Try looking at some CBT as well. Most of the time anxiety us 'catastrophising.' if she knows that you can't stand her right now, that will just make it ten times worse. As well, see if you can get into some marital counseling. It isn't worth walking away froma marriage without at least trying that. Has she been medicated recently? If so she could still be finding the proper combination/dose

[giotto]

I know how you feel... my wife is not as bad as yours, but can be depressed and in bed for hours on her days off. At least she is not panicking, but that's because she is asleep.

 

How much can you take? I don't know. I'm quite at the end of my tether too, because my wife doesn't want to go to therapy to solve her issues, despite her multiple promises.

 

I do feel that she's ruined my life. Not because she is ill, but because her refusal to take serious action, apart from ADs, has ruined our marriage, to the point that I blamed myself for several years. I had no idea her issues were so bad (her communication skills are zero).

 

Now, I'm staying for my children. I remember from an old thread that you two have a son. Are you prepared to walk out?

 

Also, your wife sounds very ill. Why are you angry at her? I'm not angry at my wife. Sure, my wife mishandled the situation (with the secrecy about her issues) but, at the end of the day, it's not entirely her fault, is it?

 

Sounds to me that you are angry at life for dealing you a bad hand.

 

My wife and I have been married for about 15 yrs now and her mental health has gotten steadily worse. She suffers from depression, adhd and an anxiety disorder. The anxiety thing is the piece that has gotten much worse lately. In December she had a minor (and I mean minor) fender bender. She got all neurotic about filling out the police report to the point where it practically debilitated her for several days. She couldn't participate in filling out our tax return because she nearly had a panic attack worrying about whether or not we were "cheating" on our taxes. Most recently she had to return to the Gap because she realized that she got a 15% discount she shouldn't have. We had to change our weekend plans because she felt like she "stole" what amounts to a few dollars...

 

My frustration level with this whole thing is reaching critical mass. She is seeing a shrink and is medicated for depression and the anxiety, but I don't know how much more I can take. I resent her constantly, I feel anger almost every time that I look at her, I don't even want to share the same bed as her. We don't have much of a sex life (once a month maybe). I find myself delaying coming home from work or working out a little longer at the gym so I don't have to come home. She always wants to "talk" about something...I just can't do it...

[Sparty97]

@Dreaming- The meds are fairly recent (since January) though she's been on AD's for years. She is doing therapy as well and she "gets it" but nothing ever seems to change. That might be the most frustrating part for me. I am a very practical no "BS" kind of guy. If there's a problem...fix it...don't futz around on the issue...but she's the opposite. I wasn't capable of recognizing her problem when we started dating (at 21), or maybe it wasn't there to the same degree. IDK.

 

As for leaving, and our son...if I did seek a divorce I would seek primary custody. She is mentally unstable and has told me she has had suicidal thoughts (though she says she would never do it). I know the legal system can be weird around men and custody but I'd have to give it a shot anyway. Honestly I don't know how either of us could survive financially if we were alone right now. I think my first step might be to set up my sleeping arrangement in the guest room or the finished attic. She'd probably flip though.

 

She claims to love closeness, etc. but there is hardly ever any sexual nature to it. I think she thinks of me as a protector or something.

 

Right now she's in bed for the second day in a row with a "sore throat"... she has been expressing frustration with work, etc. I can feel a sudden career change coming on and right now that scares the crap out of me. A couple of months without her salary and we are sunk.

[giotto]

your situation is quite similar to mine. We started dating at 22 and I had no idea of her issues, which gradually got worse, until she started taking ADs (without even telling me) 10 years ago. But we have 4 children and me leaving would mean financial bankruptcy. Can't afford to run another household. She has a fairly low-paid job and wouldn't be able to look after the kids because she works shifts.

 

Like your wife, my wife claims she likes closeness, but closeness never ever leads to any physical intimacy, so it's very difficult for me to give closeness. I'd rather not be close. Don't really know what to suggest, apart from to start building your own life, supporting your wife as much as you can.

 

@Dreaming- The meds are fairly recent (since January) though she's been on AD's for years. She is doing therapy as well and she "gets it" but nothing ever seems to change. That might be the most frustrating part for me. I am a very practical no "BS" kind of guy. If there's a problem...fix it...don't futz around on the issue...but she's the opposite. I wasn't capable of recognizing her problem when we started dating (at 21), or maybe it wasn't there to the same degree. IDK.

 

As for leaving, and our son...if I did seek a divorce I would seek primary custody. She is mentally unstable and has told me she has had suicidal thoughts (though she says she would never do it). I know the legal system can be weird around men and custody but I'd have to give it a shot anyway. Honestly I don't know how either of us could survive financially if we were alone right now. I think my first step might be to set up my sleeping arrangement in the guest room or the finished attic. She'd probably flip though.

 

She claims to love closeness, etc. but there is hardly ever any sexual nature to it. I think she thinks of me as a protector or something.

 

Right now she's in bed for the second day in a row with a "sore throat"... she has been expressing frustration with work, etc. I can feel a sudden career change coming on and right now that scares the crap out of me. A couple of months without her salary and we are sunk.

[Sparty97]

Dreaming, I forgot to ask..what is CBT?

[KoolKat]

CBT - Cognitive Behavioural Therapy

 

I can understand that you are frustrated, but try not to be angry with her, afterall, she does not choose to have these conditions and is recieving treatment which shows she wants to be better. Depression is a disability as well as an illness. Surely she had this when you met her?

 

Try taking a deep breath and reminding yourself of this when you feel yourself getting angry. Remind yourself of why you fell in love with her in the first place.

 

Most women are able to pick up on subtle body language and changes in voice tone. She might have noticed that you can't stand her and are angry at her and as dreamingoftigers has said, this will only push her to feel a lot worse resulting in more panic attacks.

 

Unfortunately, my mother and I both suffer depression, panic attacks and OCD. It is not the OCD where you wash your hands etc, but is a type that affects the way we think, for example, filling in forms or applications can be a nightmare as we worry we might get it wrong and this can cause a panic attack or anxiety. I have to check applications over and over in case I've missed something on the form or filled in something wrong. It's exhausting to be honest but I feel sick with worry if I don't. If I know something is wrong also, I can't stop thinking about it. It will go round and round in my head until I find a way to rationalise it or fix it. It's not always like this, but if I am stressed or depressed, the OCD will surface and can practically take over my life.

 

To be honest, your wife's recent behaviour with the taxes, police report and reciept sound like she might be currently suffering OCD. Perhaps something is upsetting her which has brought it on? If this is the case, perhaps if you can find out what is troubling her and if you can make her feel better, it will go away again?

 

My partner and I have been trying to plan our wedding and there have been times I have spent hours in bed unable to think, move or eat and feeling miserable because I haven't been able to find a venue. Yesterday it was because I didn't understand the whole notice of marriage process.

 

Luckily, my dad and fiancé are very patient with my mum and I and are very understanding. They know that if my mum or I get like this, to let us be or give us a cuddle.

I feel terrible thinking about what my fiancé must have to put up with at times but he has been aware of my conditions since day1 and is amazing - always willing to listen if I need to talk which is often difficult for me.

 

Avoiding talking and distancing yourself from her will definitely make the problem worse. Try just talking to her or listening when she says she needs to talk. Don't just sit and hear though, actually listen. There may be something behind what she is saying, a deeper issue, something she might be scared to just outright say to you in case you think badly of her.

 

She needs to know that you care about her, love her and want to help her.

 

Avoiding her and simply putting up with her is not wanting to help her.

 

If you don't love her or care about her anymore, then you just need to take a deep breath and be honest, because staying with her when you don't will make her problems worse and both of your lives a misery. It may hurt her in the short term, but she will have another chance for happiness with someone who is able to live with her conditions.

 

As for the whole 'staying for the kids' thing - just remember that if both your lives are miserable then your kid's life is guarenteed to be miserable too. I know from experience that a child would rather have two happy parents that don't live together than angry, miserable, arguing parents that live together as long as you continue to show them you love them.

Kids are very good at picking up on negative emotions and it will constantly worry them and have a negative impact on the person they become.

 

I hope things get better for both of you.

Edited April 12, 2011 by KoolKat
Added meaning of CBT

[whichwayisup]

CBT is cognitive behaviour therapy. This type of therapy is aimed of those who suffer from anxiety and panic attacks, depression etc.. It works! Google it.

 

I suffered from anxiety and some panic attacks in the past and did CBT. it saved me and I can honestly say, my life has changed so much with the help of doing this type of counselling. It teaches you coping techniques, how to deal and face anxiety head on, deal with the issues that led you to anxiety in the first place..Learning how to control your thoughts, get them more positive. Please look into this.

[KoolKat]

In regards to closeness - if she's feeling depressed then it's obvious she's not going to want sex.

 

If you give her the genuine cuddles and love she wants, then sex will follow in time, but if that's the only reason you are giving her cuddles then she will feel that and it will put off getting intimate with you all the more.

 

When I'm feeling down, sex is the last thing on my mind and my fiancé respects that and doesn't even think about trying to push things that way.

 

You need to show her that you are able to be close and show her affection without it always having to lead to sex.

[Sparty97]

CBT - Cognitive Behavioural Therapy

 

. Depression is a disability as well as an illness. Surely she had this when you met her?

 

I assume so, but not to this level and at 21 I'm not sure I had the skills/understanding to recognize it.

 

Try taking a deep breath and reminding yourself of this when you feel yourself getting angry. Remind yourself of why you fell in love with her in the first place.

 

At this point I'm no longer sure.

 

Most women are able to pick up on subtle body language and changes in voice tone. She might have noticed that you can't stand her and are angry at her and as dreamingoftigers has said, this will only push her to feel a lot worse resulting in more panic attacks.

 

At this point I hope she notices I am angry...

 

Avoiding talking and distancing yourself from her will definitely make the problem worse. Try just talking to her or listening when she says she needs to talk. Don't just sit and hear though, actually listen.

 

I can't do that anymore...it doesn't help anything. I have been sitting and listening for years and nothing gets better it only gets worse.

 

She needs to know that you care about her, love her and want to help her.

 

I am beginning to wonder if I do anymore. For the past 10+ yrs the relationship has always been about her and her issues. It is exhausting.

 

Avoiding her and simply putting up with her is not wanting to help her.

 

As I said, I have been trying to help her for years, at what point id it enough? I honestly don't want this to be my life when I am 60.

 

As for the whole 'staying for the kids' thing - just remember that if both your lives are miserable then your kid's life is guarenteed to be miserable too. I know from experience that a child would rather have two happy parents that don't live together than angry, miserable, arguing parents that live together as long as you continue to show them you love them.

 

Trust me I had parents that divorced and I was happy about it so I get that. The truth is we don't fight really. Rarely is a voice raised, though I do sometimes vent my frustration. And my son certainly has no clue about the bedroom issues.

 

Kids are very good at picking up on negative emotions and it will constantly worry them and have a negative impact on the person they become.

 

I hope things get better for both of you.

 

Trust me I had parents that divorced and I was happy about it so I get that. The truth is we don't fight really. Rarely is a voice raised, though I do sometimes vent my frustration. And my son certainly has no clue about the bedroom issues.

[giotto]

CBT is cognitive behaviour therapy. This type of therapy is aimed of those who suffer from anxiety and panic attacks, depression etc.. It works! Google it.

 

I suffered from anxiety and some panic attacks in the past and did CBT. it saved me and I can honestly say, my life has changed so much with the help of doing this type of counselling. It teaches you coping techniques, how to deal and face anxiety head on, deal with the issues that led you to anxiety in the first place..Learning how to control your thoughts, get them more positive. Please look into this.

 

My wife mentioned it, in fact, and she wanted to try it, but it doesn't look it will happen. I don't want to force the option and I even offered to pay for her therapy, but she doesn't seem to be able to find the courage. Having said that, her condition (in part similar to koolcat's) has made our married life quite miserable, especially because I had no idea what was going on!

[Sparty97]

In regards to closeness - if she's feeling depressed then it's obvious she's not going to want sex.

 

If you give her the genuine cuddles and love she wants, then sex will follow in time, but if that's the only reason you are giving her cuddles then she will feel that and it will put off getting intimate with you all the more.

 

When I'm feeling down, sex is the last thing on my mind and my fiancé respects that and doesn't even think about trying to push things that way.

 

You need to show her that you are able to be close and show her affection without it always having to lead to sex.

 

 

I get that, and for years I would do my best to provide her that closeness without asking for anything in return, but I am a man after all and I have needs. She is simply not meeting those needs. The once a month thing is long term, not recent. Really since we got married. In fact there was one stretch that was well over a year. I'm just tired. This is exhausting. I am 41yrs old and I would like a chance to be happy.

 

I do still love her, and there are absolutely times when we are happy but they just seem few and far between at this point.

[KoolKat]

I am a man after all and I have needs. She is simply not meeting those needs.

I can completely understand that - it's not just men who have needs, you know. I had a similar relationship where we didn't for over 18 months. It was extremely frustrating. Ironically, it wasn't this that led to us breaking up in the end. Several beatings and an attempt on my life did it in the end.

 

Sadly, if you're not happy and you can't remember the reasons you fell in love with her, then your relationship is probably beyond repair.

 

It would perhaps be best for both of you to go your separate ways so that you are no longer miserable because of her conditions and she can find someone who is maybe more able to deal with these things.

 

I'm so sorry for both of you.

Edited April 12, 2011 by KoolKat

[whichwayisup]

My wife mentioned it, in fact, and she wanted to try it, but it doesn't look it will happen. I don't want to force the option and I even offered to pay for her therapy, but she doesn't seem to be able to find the courage. Having said that, her condition (in part similar to koolcat's) has made our married life quite miserable, especially because I had no idea what was going on!

 

She's scared. Terrified of going.. Completely understandable.. My first T session, I nearly cancelled and ran out of the office waiting room! My H took me and waited with me, held my hand and tried his best to keep me calm. I probably had 10 mini panic attacks in that waiting room!

 

It's not that you force the issue, you gently let her know it's okay to be scared, that's to be expected but not to let the fear take over. Change is scary, therapy is hard work but you take one session at a time.. Trust me on this, by the 2nd and 3rd time i went, I felt a big difference inside me. Enlightment, a floating feeling, it's very odd to describe, but I do remember too feeling relief that I found someone to open up to and trust so I could better myself and get the anxiety under control.

 

Sparty, I suggest that you read up on anxiety and depression, check out the site depressionfallout (google it) as it has alot of helpful info there...

 

For Gio and Sparty, it won't be an easy ride, there will be times (like now) you'll want to throw in the towel and run.. Don't!! Don't give up on your spouses! You both need to be strong and encourage them to fix themselves. Because of the illness they suffer from, it affects everything.. but would you walk out on them if they had cancer, or another type of illness? My guess is no..

 

This is why CBT has to happen.. If my H hadn't helped me, drove me to the appointments, didn't support me like he did, it would have been 10x harder to do.

 

Remember why you each fell inlove and got married.. That person is still there, they just need help to find themselves again.

 

Hope this helps.

[giotto]

I hope I'm not hijacking this thread, but my wife says she has learnt to deal with it and she is terrified to disturb the balance, in case therapy doesn't work. I don't believe she's learnt very well, because it's been getting gradually worse... she is only told me it's OCD 2 weeks ago, after 25 years together...