My mind is working overtime today with questions.

[Arrangrl]

Hello, me again.

 

Do you think any man is capable of being faithful? We had a discussion about this topic earlier this morning and most of my colleagues said NO! What does everyone here think?

 

Also I have been reading a lot about this NC thing. Do you think this would be useful to do till the AP gets their heads sorted out, without the distraction of the OW?

 

Arran

[Carrot2000]

Do you think any man is capable of being faithful?

 

Absolutely! While some men cheat because they need more sex or are looking for an escape from a bad marriage, I think men often cheat because they are broken inside. When I talk to the men I know who cheat, the one thing that consistently comes across is that none of them feels good about themselves.

 

Since not all men are broken, I don't believe that all men feel the need to cheat. I know several men who are very self-aware and recognize when they aren't feeling their best and ask for more support from their wives rather than looking outside of the marriage. I also know men who love their families too much to ever consider being unfaithful.

[skywriter]

Do I think any men are faithful? As Carrot said, "Absolutley"! I also relate to what she said abt talking to men and being able to distinguish between the ones that would or wouldn't stray.

 

I think what she said abt being broken can and does apply to both sexes though.

 

Abt NC;

 

Would it be useful to do til the AP gets his head sorted out.

 

Ok, I have to say, NC is so, so hard to follow thru with and if you don't believe you can follow through with it then you won't be taken seriously by your AP. I know, I think I may be the reigning Queen of the NC breakers!

But, would it be useful til he gets his head sorted? "Heck Yea"! Useful to you too.

Good luck, sweetie.

[donnamaybe]

There are some very jaded folks who would say no one can be faithful, but then they self-fulfill their own prophesy by accepting less than a partner who would be faithful to them.

 

Remember - you will be treated the way you allow people to treat you. If you choose a cheater, you'll get cheated on.

[OWoman]

Also I have been reading a lot about this NC thing. Do you think this would be useful to do till the AP gets their heads sorted out, without the distraction of the OW?

 

What do you want as an outcome?

 

If you have written off the A, and any hope of being together in the future, then NC is a good idea. "NC = no new hurt" as the slogan goes. Enforcing NC allows you to work through the damage already sustained while protecting you against sustaining fresh damage at the same time. It's like working through what's already in your in tray without more stuff arriving on top of the pile that's already there. So, if you're done with the R, it's a good idea.

 

If you're holding out even a sliver of hope of getting together in the future, then NC is a bad idea. It's like forcing a child to choose between chocolate and strawberry ice cream, but only letting them taste the strawberry while telling them how awful the chocolate is. OK, perhaps my metaphors are having an off-day... but I have yet to hear any fOW who landed up with her fMM sing the praises of NC. OTC, those who went NC found it damaging to their R and had to work hard after resuming contact to undo that damage and restore the R to its former status, nevermind improving matters.

 

Some OWs might want to try NC to see if they can live without him - which may work out for them; butthey would run the risk of him having moved on without them and them discovering that they can't live without him and wanting him, and having lost him. It's a risk some are prepared to take, and others not.

 

What would your aim be in embarking on NC?

[jthorne]

Absolutely! While some men cheat because they need more sex or are looking for an escape from a bad marriage, I think men often cheat because they are broken inside. When I talk to the men I know who cheat, the one thing that consistently comes across is that none of them feels good about themselves.

 

Since not all men are broken, I don't believe that all men feel the need to cheat. I know several men who are very self-aware and recognize when they aren't feeling their best and ask for more support from their wives rather than looking outside of the marriage. I also know men who love their families too much to ever consider being unfaithful.

I totally agree. I see it written many times that "it's not that he didnt love you or his wife, he loved himself more." I don't agree with that. I think many people who cheat don't love themselves at all. They are broken, and look for someone else to validate them.

 

As Carrot said, find someone self-aware and with strong morals, and you'll find someone who will most likely deal with their problems head-on instead of avoiding them or putting them off on someone else.

[pureinheart]

Hello, me again.

 

Do you think any man is capable of being faithful? We had a discussion about this topic earlier this morning and most of my colleagues said NO! What does everyone here think?

 

Also I have been reading a lot about this NC thing. Do you think this would be useful to do till the AP gets their heads sorted out, without the distraction of the OW?

 

Arran

 

Hey AG,

 

Personally I think we are all capable of anything, good or bad, possitive or negative. I know it can seem like no male has the ability to remain faithful, although there are many senarios that contribute to infidelity IMO. Also there are many senarios that contribute to fidelity. I have known a lot of faithful men, that were faithful even when the R didn't deserve fidelity.

 

NC works for some, but not all. In my case am about 99.9% sure that NC is the reason MM and exW split. NC does provide the space that might be needed in order for the indecisive to decide. Every R is different.

 

I believe in what is meant to be will be, so this removes much of the anxiety that can occur in any R.

[Irishlove]

Hello, me again.

 

Do you think any man is capable of being faithful? We had a discussion about this topic earlier this morning and most of my colleagues said NO! What does everyone here think?

 

Also I have been reading a lot about this NC thing. Do you think this would be useful to do till the AP gets their heads sorted out, without the distraction of the OW?

 

Arran

I'm going to post without reading any other post. Ten years ago my stbx husband cheated and resulted in OW getting pg. There was drama and I went through alot of anger, fighting and bs. I got counseling. He never did cheat again. I did have to help him with his alcoholism because that played a huge roll in why he slept with the ugly ho. (sorry)lol

So yes a man CAN be faithful.

 

I made sure I took care of me first. I got counseling (highly suggest it), went to church (find a higher power), don't listen to everyone. Your situation may be different than anyone elses.

 

Big thing is listen to your instincts. YOU KNOW what's going on.

[ladydesigner]

Hello, me again.

 

Do you think any man is capable of being faithful? We had a discussion about this topic earlier this morning and most of my colleagues said NO! What does everyone here think?

 

Also I have been reading a lot about this NC thing. Do you think this would be useful to do till the AP gets their heads sorted out, without the distraction of the OW?

 

Arran

 

Ugghh unfortunately every man I have had a serious relationship with including my H has cheated...on ME!

 

I think I have something wrong with the way I have chosen men and it all stems from my childhood.

 

NC helps everyone in the A triangle to think clearer. It hurts, but for myself (I had a revenge affair) it helped me see how toxic the situation was and that I would have made a mistake if I had left to be with the OM.

[lovingwhatis]

Hey AG,

 

Personally I think we are all capable of anything, good or bad, possitive or negative. I know it can seem like no male has the ability to remain faithful, although there are many senarios that contribute to infidelity IMO. Also there are many senarios that contribute to fidelity. I have known a lot of faithful men, that were faithful even when the R didn't deserve fidelity.

 

NC works for some, but not all. In my case am about 99.9% sure that NC is the reason MM and exW split. NC does provide the space that might be needed in order for the indecisive to decide. Every R is different.

 

I believe in what is meant to be will be, so this removes much of the anxiety that can occur in any R.

 

Awesome post, pureintheheart!

[Arrangrl]

[Personally I think we are all capable of anything, good or bad, possitive or negative. I know it can seem like no male has the ability to remain faithful, although there are many senarios that contribute to infidelity IMO. Also there are many senarios that contribute to fidelity. I have known a lot of faithful men, that were faithful even when the R didn't deserve fidelity.

 

NC works for some, but not all. In my case am about 99.9% sure that NC is the reason MM and exW split. NC does provide the space that might be needed in order for the indecisive to decide. Every R is different.

 

I believe in what is meant to be will be, so this removes much of the anxiety that can occur in any R./QUOTE].

 

 

Very insightful and a good way to view the situation

 

Arran