How to move on, yet keep "door open" to second chance?

[AnonyMOUSE18]

(I originally posted my story and question to Homebrew's thread where he describes his ex returning for a second chance after a year of his hard work at moving on and self-improvement. I'm starting my own thread now!)

Synopsis: My boyfriend of 2 years broke up with me a little over a month ago. I'm 30 and he's 31. Our breakup was a "head" decision on his part, not a "heart" decision, and he said he wanted to leave to door open to a future with me...but also insisted that we both have to move on and get over each other. I have questions about how to proceed at this point.

 

My main problem: I'm grappling with how to move on and yet keep the door open in the future for getting back together. How does one do this??? Everyone I have talked to says that it is impossible, yet that's the way my ex frames our situation. I am well aware that we both need to move on and view each other without that urgency of wanting each other, but how does one do that and simultaneously leave the door open for a possible second chance? Homebrew posted his situation and obviously was thinking about the possibility of a second chance, and yet was able to move on. Homebrew, how did you do this? How do you do both? How do you think about getting back together without wanting it to happen? Is time a big factor, here?

 

I don't know HOW to move on and be able to find peace and not care about what happens (which I know is what is necessary for there to be a chance later on to really try again), and SIMULTANEOUSLY love my ex / think about the possibility of us getting back together. When we broke up he said that he's not closing the door to us being together in the future, but that right now we need to take serious time off and separate and work on our personal issues. It was a real break up, but he emphasized that he thought there was a chance that we'd get back together later on, and that he doesn't want me to be the "one that got away" and worries that he will discover this and it might be too late by the time he wants me back.

 

 

Here is my story:

A little over a month ago, my boyfriend of 2 years initiated our breakup. Most of that time we lived together. We broke up due to compatibility troubles living in our new (smaller) apartment we'd been in for about 5 months. It was agonizing for us both to be breaking up because we love(d) each other and had put a lot into our relationship. Neither of us really wanted to break up. We had agreed it would be best for him to move out and for us to continue dating, but during the 2 days that he was actually moving his stuff out he decided that it should be a real breakup. He didn't want us to die slowly, and he was afraid that if we kept dating at that point it would just be prolonging the inevitable. He told me and his best friend that it was a decision from his head and not his heart, that he wanted to keep dating me but that he was worried about our future, based on the fact that we were having such problems living together. He was being practical, and I don't blame him. I was thinking we might break up, too, and considering it, sometimes more seriously than other times. I completely agreed at the time and the breakup felt mutual. We both cried ourselves silly and had a hard time in the following days.

 

We kept in contact over the phone and via email and facebook, but didn't see each other in person for 2 weeks. Then he wanted me to go see him give a speech and I was having a "newly arranged" house "warming" party that same night. I went to see his speech and he came to my party. It was wonderful to be with him, but also immensely painful when he left that night, and the following morning. I realized at that point that I needed "no contact" in order to get over him, so the next day we sobbed together over the phone and agreed to "no contact." I told him I had wanted to touch him and be with him after seeing him and he said he felt the same way, but that we shouldn't.

 

No contact both helped me and hurt me - I did some wise things and some stupid things. Somehow, my initiation of "no contact" made me feel crazy and want him back so much more. We were absurdly close as best friends, and him both moving out and being completely gone from my contact was really brutal. He didn't want "no contact," but then after I broke it a few times he said that we should implement it again because my mood changes were negatively affecting him.

 

After a few weeks of NC (too short, I know) we eased back into contact and were both feeling good. I was doing really well and feeling like I was letting go. I had a date set up with someone and I was coming to terms with the idea of him dating other people, too. Then on Saturday I was out with friends at a bar. We ran into each other and were both drunk and argued, and it was awful. First it was good - I just said hello to him on my way to the bathroom - but then while drunk and in the bathroom I started to feel really bad and I came out and started a bad conversation with him where I accused him of never loving me, and other bad stuff like that. It was like I was possessed by a monster voice from the corner of my brain that grabbed ahold of my mouth - it was awful, and I regret it tremendously. It was not like me to do that. We both cried. It was mostly my fault, as I was the one that sorta started it. I think it was a "perfect storm" of bad circumstances -- him showing up and talking to a girl in front of me while I was drunk and it was late -- that led to our horrible argument and bad stuff coming out of my mouth. My friends convinced me to come back to our table, and a while later when we were leaving I walked over and apologized to him. He accepted and said he forgave me, and gave me a hug.

 

The next day he blocked me on facebook, (we had JUST re-friended each other) but talked a lot over email. I apologized again and he said he forgave me, and we decided to cut off facebook and phone, but stay in contact via email. I regret that night tremendously, and have paranoid, fearful thoughts that I ruined any chance of a future between us. In reality, while I think it was a bad "move" on my part and will likely prolong the time before we can see each other again, I know that he understands that sometimes I have trouble with the monster voice coming out, and some of it has to do with a divorce I went through four years ago. He knows I struggle with negative thoughts, and he has always been really understanding about it. I am seeing a counselor and taking many steps toward improving myself in that area, and he knows it. I messed up and I admitted it, and he forgave me....I just hope it doesn't leave a bad taste in his mouth such that he never considers us again, in the future. I think we have a deeper understanding of each other than that, but I can only imagine what you guys would say about my behavior! It was like the #1 thing you SHOULDN'T do. I also know him very well, and know that time will make that incident fade out, in favor of more positive things about me and us. I'm trying not to worry about it because I did the best I could to "fix" what I did, and that's all I can do, aside from being better in the future!

 

So, that's where I'm at right now. I have made it clear to him that I think we should, at some point, give each other another chance.....but not now, because I agree with our breaking up and needing a time of separation, growth, and exploration of others. He doesn't disagree, but he doesn't have an answer to that right now. He just doesn't know. He is extremely lonely and is looking for new friends and casual dating, and seems to be having some GIGS when it comes to dating because I was his first relationship as an adult. I'm 30 and he's 31. He didn't lose his virginity until he was 28 and then only had casual sex - I was the first person he had relationship sex with, and I am the longest relationship he's had. He doesn't have much dating experience. Women usually don't like him that much, according to him. Him and I "click" in many unique ways, as he and I are both rare mixes of personality traits, personal histories, and goals.

 

Anyway, I am experienced enough to know what I need to do. I went through a divorce 4 years ago that you guys on LoveShack helped me with TREMENDOUSLY. I know that I need to let him go and focus on myself, taking good care of myself. I started counseling and have begun a lot of new self-improvement projects that are going really well. I am working on things that made us incompatible while we lived together, and I've told him about it and he is proud of me. I'm not doing it for him, though -- I'm trying to make myself a better person, with the knowledge that it will make me a better partner for someone, whether it be him or someone else. I couldn't make those changes for HIM, I had to make them for MYSELF, and it takes time and dedication to change one's domestic habits for the better. I was spoiled as a child and as an adult, and there are things I am learning to do for myself that I never did before, mostly involving cleaning.

 

I think we both imagine a time someday when we can hang out as friends and enjoy each other, with NO expectations about any romantic future. He says that if we get back together he wants it to happen naturally, and I picture us hanging out, several months from now, and falling in love all over again. I know I need to tone down my hope and expectations about that for it to become more likely to even happen.

 

The only thing I can do right now is to get over him and move on and focus on myself. I KNOW this. I KNOW it's the best thing to do, regardless of whether we ever try again or not. If we don't, then I will have moved on, and also it makes it a lot more likely that we will try again i the future. So, nothing to lose, everything to gain.

 

Saturday night showed me that I'm still very jealous and emotionally attached to him, and enough time has NOT gone by for me to just be a casual friend he sees at the bar. I am disappointed with myself, but it has only been 1 month and I know I'm pushing to heal and grow way too fast. I have been through a divorce, and I did the same thing then -- tried to rush healing -- and it never works.

 

So, Homebrew and anyone else -- HOW do you go about getting over an ex and REALLY moving on such that you no longer care about whether you get back together....but still, somehow, secretly, think about that possibility?

 

Thanks for listening. I appreciate any and all thoughts.

 

P.S.

 

I think he does, most certainly, have GIGS right now!

Homebrew, I just read your description of what GIGS is, and I think that has a larger role in my breakup than I was giving it credit for, before.

 

It's a bit of a relief, actually. He doesn't have answers about what will happen between us in the future. I do need to bow out gracefully and give him the time / space he needs.

 

Thanks for all your insights.

 

-Hilarie ("Scraggle")

[Tasha49]

That sounds VERY difficult to do. And quite truthfully near impossible. He wants you to move on but keep hope to a second chance in the future, am I right? That very well depends on what time does to heal you.

 

The future can mean so long down the road. And by which at that point, you will most assuredly have moved on. If you date around and learn to have a good time in life then it will become more and more easy to move on. This includes no contact. You need to breathe your own air that is not also around him. It hurts now, but you HAVE to move on. Give yourself time to move on. Clearly that is what he is doing.

 

If the possibility of a fresh start is ever going to fully develop in the future, then it will happen. If it is meant to be, it will happen. Maybe the love you share is strong enough. But you can't surround yourself with that constant hope. Keep it in the back of your mind but also move forward. Time heals miraculously. You will notice this, even if it starts out ridiculously slow at first. It's going to hurt, but like he told you, you both need time to feel life without the other. He is clearly already starting.

 

Personally I feel like he told you to keep the thought of a future connection open because he wants to have his cake and eat it too. Maybe he wants to explore his options but also knows how great of a girl you are. Maybe he doesn't want you to be so far gone that if he can't replace you, he has you on the back burner to come back to. It is a win-win situation for him. Unless you have moved far on. In this case you have to ask yourself if it is worth trying again when and if you do meet again one day.

 

Perhaps one of you will contact the other in the future after you've both had time to heal. Maybe at this point if neither of you have found happiness in anyone else your love can reform for one another. Only time will tell though.

 

I don't think it is very likely to move on from someone yet still hope you will get together at the same time, if your heart has had time to heal. You will need to start over. I honestly don't know if there is an answer to your question other than it is unlikely. But maybe my mind will not open that far. Good luck!

[1784]

This is a tough situation and one that I think a lot of us entertain in our minds to some degree or another. Many of us here want to move on an yet still hold a candle for our recently 'departed'. I agree 100% with Tasha49, he wants it all. He wants to move on yet he wants to know you'll still be available to him. This is simply not doable. I mean, if you're okay with it I guess it is; but I don't think you are. That would sort of be like an open relationship. "well, I want to have sex with all of these other women but I really do like you so stick around. I may just call on you again some time in the future". It's not very fair. Not at all.

 

So if you want my opinion, it's either one of the other. Either you wait in desperate hope that he will choose you once again (which sucks because who wants to play second or third or fourth fiddle when it comes to love?). Or you move on. Again, this is not to say that you wouldn't reconcile some time in the future. It does happen. But you can't hang your hat on it. It's simply not possible. So I recommend that you do move on because it seems like that's what his agenda is.

 

Either way there's never any harm on working on you. It's a win-win.

[1784]

double post... my bad.

Edited April 13, 2011 by 1784

[AnonyMOUSE18]

Thank you, everyone.

 

I think I pretty much have to close the door to a future with him. I wish he hadn't said all those things about the future, because it doesn't seem fair. I can't be in limbo, I just can't.

 

Thanks for helping me clarify that quandary. Today I ate healthy, got important work done, and went to a rigorous yoga class. It feels good to take care of myself. I have plans for every night this week and the weekend already, mostly with friends, and I feel grateful to have a full life despite him being gone.

 

I have to trust the future -- that it will bring about whatever the best thing is, and that that very well might be me meeting someone wonderful. My friends who know us both say that he will almost certainly want me back, but it might be up to a year from now, and by then I probably won't want him anymore. In some ways I really want that to happen!

 

Thanks again. I will post again if something develops or I'm having a total fit over something!

 

-Hilarie / Scraggle

[betterdeal]

You can only open a door if you've shut it in the first place. Shut the door.

 

PS, if that's you in your avatar, you look gorgeous!

[Fufu]

I like Betterdeal's advice

 

 

For me, shut and lock the door because if he is really really sincere, he will do his best to unlock and open the door. (Hope you get the meaning of this.)

[betterdeal]

Or come knocking instead like any other visitor.

[Popondetta]

Hey!

It sounds a bit like my situation. My bf of 2 years(ex) broke up with me, but couldn't give me any good explanation except from not knowing if he was happy or if he made me happy. I think my ex is suffering from GIGS and he also mentioned to me that he has comittment issues. When this all came up in december he only wanted a break to think...we were apart and he couldn't conclude. So in march I had to force him to make up his mind because I can't just sit and wait.

 

It's really hard to get dumped when you know nothing was wrong (no fights, no cheating etc), and when you know that they will regret it someday. My ex even told me that he might realize in a couple of months time that it was the biggest mistake of his life. Told me that he wanted me to wait for him for another couple of months to make up his mind but at the same time be happy and live my life. He told me he couldn't ask this of me because it would be unfair to me. I said I couldn't wait and foreced him to break up.

It's really hard to move on when you feel like they still aren't sure.

 

I'm currently in NC (I broke it and sent him a short, friendly email to which he replied that it was great hearing from me, and that he had been thinking about contacting me etc.) I know there is so much love there, and I know this is just due to some stupid comittment issues and GIGS. I don't know what else we can do but live our lives without them, stay in NC, try not to think about who they are dating and what they are doing.. Use eachother on LS for support and stay strong.

 

Edit: Healing doesn't mean that we have to hate them, forget them or not have any feelings left for them. I guess healing is more about being happy with oneself, continuing life and eventually thinking about them with love and not obsession. And when we are healed in this way, if they come back to us, we still have the love for them to try again, but without the pain we're now feeling.

 

I hope they come back to us one day, and that it's not too late!

Edited April 13, 2011 by Popondetta

[pippa02]

Hi guys this sounds very similar to my ex, we were together for nearly 4 years and were always soo in love and best friends, never had fights or anything! Think it is so hard when a break up ends like that, feels like there is no real good reason for it too end. My boyfriend broke up with me two months ago, I had noooo idea at all it was going to happen. If you feel like reading my story here it is http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t272654/

 

Iv gone no contact now, was limited contact for the two months we been broken up! I cant stop thinking about him and wishing he would just realise he made a mistake. He also did say to me we never know how things will work out etc, if were ment to be we will end up together again! gahhh! anyway i know what you guys are going through xxx

[rebeccajones]

I think this says it all.

 

"Healing doesn't mean that we have to hate them, forget them or not have any feelings left for them. I guess healing is more about being happy with oneself, continuing life and eventually thinking about them with love and not obsession. And when we are healed in this way, if they come back to us, we still have the love for them to try again, but without the pain we're now feeling."

 

I think that is true. I'm seeing my ex now, I want to get back together, he is not sure, but we are seeing each other every few days. Talking spending time together sometimes sleep together, not always. In a way I too am a bit afraid to get back together, because it wont be the same as before, it will be new and I will lose my freedoms, but I would like to try.

 

Anyway I think I'm at a point where I'm not so desperate and I have been working on improving my life and self and I want what is best for me. We broke up last October 2010 then saw each other a bit in December then NC for 4 more months. I saw him again recently and wanted to get back together. It is really complicated. I think we have something, I think we care for each other.

 

I do think I've tried hating my ex, getting angry to get over him but now I'm thinking that in reality I care for him deep down and no matter what happens I wish him the best. I also believe that it is possible to make our relationship work if we can build trust.

 

Take as much time as you can to feel good, happy about yourself and life and that will help you. It is very hard I know. But it will help you.

[Popondetta]

@rebeccajones;

I bit curious about your situation... When you saw him again recently, did you initiate contact or did you just bump into eachother? Why did he break up with you in the first place? Was he uncertain about what he wanted even when he broke up with you?

The situation sounds a bit fragile and I hope you're strong enough emotionally to be able to handle any outcome. I hope for the best for you guys, and I hope you keep us posted!!

 

I'm still in the obsession stage of things. Wanting him more and more every day just because I can't have him. NC for a month, but I recently broke it by sending him an email. He replied and was very happy to hear from me. I just want to meet up with him but I know that I am far from healed enough to handle a rejection.

 

Like the OP I'm wondering how to heal and go on with my life and at the same time be open if he comes back. But I guess I wrote a reply for myself in my previous post. It's when the obsession is turned OFF that we can consider ourselves healed or more healed.

[1784]

I sometimes wonder how much of it is ego instead of actual 'love'. I feel like just having the option to have my ex back would be enough sometimes. I mean, that's certainly not good - lol. It's hard to tell sometimes. It's such a tremendous shift in power when you know you can have something instead of longing for it all the time. Amazing.

[Popondetta]

I sometimes wonder how much of it is ego instead of actual 'love'. I feel like just having the option to have my ex back would be enough sometimes. I mean, that's certainly not good - lol. It's hard to tell sometimes. It's such a tremendous shift in power when you know you can have something instead of longing for it all the time. Amazing.

 

I've been wondering the same...(How much of it is based on true love and how much of it is just pure obsession about something you can't have and+ a hurt ego)

 

I've been trying to think how happy would I be if I got my ex back. Would I just be extatic for a couple of days and then go back to being annoyed at the same things as before, or would it make me profoundly happy for a long time? I guess the extatic phase would be there in the beginning no matter what, and the rest would depend on how much you both want to be together and work on the relationship.

I still belive in second chances

[1784]

I still believe in second chances too. If I didn't I don't think I'd be going through this the way I have been. I'm really trying to be as honest with myself about absolutely everything. The thing that's the hardest is that I have no control over what SHE is doing, thinking, etc. And of course I get impatient on a daily basis.

 

I think that if I got her back we'd both be elated for a bit. It's like a Cliffs Notes version of the honeymoon stage. But I know there would have to be a lot of work involved in order to move forward without reservation. I still don't know if we could get over all that we needed to get over in order to make it work long term. But, I'd like to think we could. I would like to make an attempt. If it doesn't happen, though, what can I do except move on?

 

But yeah, I think ego has a large part in it. Hopefully that will work on her as well as it's working on me. lol

[rebeccajones]

@popondeta. My ex is friends with a family member so he has been around at times. BUt he thinks it's not a big deal since we have been broken up so long. I confronted him and asked him if his heart was closed for me he wouldn't answer and said we could talk later. We did. We've been talking since. Yet he is not in the best state and like I said "doesn't know what he wants" I have taken these last 4 months of NC to be really active and involved and lots of fun stuff for myself. I feel pretty good. I don't want to cut him out too soon because i know I was not happy without him so I want to give it some time. I will keep yall posted. I also try to give him space. I enjoy my space also.

 

I know how hard it is. I don't think anything is EVER perfect!! UGH.

 

Best wished to us all.

[rebeccajones]

It is an ego thing I think but I haven't figured out how to stop it. I do think I gave up being angry and negative about him and just accepted that I love and care for him and whatever happens and whatever he wants I will be happy for him. Kinda!

[AnonyMOUSE18]

I do worry about it being ego. My parents and friends have pointed this out to me many times....because I was definitely thinking about us breaking up for a long time before it happened. He wanted it to feel mutual and it did in some ways, but I wanted it to be a more explicit "break" instead of "break up" and he went the "break up" route. I think on facebook everyone assumed that I broke up with him and was surprised when I told them a brief description of it, with him making the decision. Someone breaking up with you definitely takes a big bite out of your ego and pride and makes them suddenly more attractive, in a little bit of reverse-GIGS way!

 

That said, I do think that time will reveal whether there was really something there between people that is worth trying again for, or not. In my case I think there could be, but I know that he might take too long to figure it out and by then I might be happily relationship-ed up with someone else.

 

I do also think that they longer two people have been together the more there is at stake at trying again -- and if the relationship had special dimensions to it that are unique, along with a deep love and respect for each other, that there is more reason for wanting to try again than if it was a shorter, less deep relationship.

 

So, yeah. We should be on the lookout for the possibility of being motivated mostly by a wounded ego. I think time will reveal the truth about that, because your ego will heal. Then what will the heart say?

 

Thanks again for your great posts, everyone!!!

 

-Hilarie

[AnonyMOUSE18]

Oh, and yes, that's me in the photo! It was my high school photo.

[betterdeal]

I think that when you reach the state of taking each day as it comes, that's when you are in the best position to enter into a relationship with someone. Now that someone may well be someone you were previously attached to, but that is almost a coincidence. I say almost, because you have shared memories and having been close before, you'll be aware of certain nuances and rhythms in each other already. Indeed, some of those will have been a result of that previous contact.

 

That all said, splitting up gives us a great chance to re-establish our boundaries, to differentiate between what belongs to you and what belongs to them. From that we, when we meet again, we're different from each other. We are two people instead of one couple. Quite how far you wish to interlock with that other person is easier to determine if you're not already interlocked. It's easier to say "this isn't working for me" when being alone, being independent, is fresh in your mind and you know it's easy to feel good as a single entity. Your happiness is not so dependent on one other person.

 

That's how I feel right now. I have challenges I am turning into opportunities. My pot belly is my problem, and by taking up rowing and yoga to work on core strength as part of dealing with that, I am increasing my socialising, my network of people I know. Not that I know anyone at yoga or rowing very well, but having those kinds of connections - loose connections - is making me feel good. My eggs are not all in one basket. My happiness is not dependent on one other person being happy in a way that makes me happy.

 

Learning better ways to communicate and so represent myself has been useful in life in general, in that it makes it easier to deal with potential difficulties (where someone wants something the other does not want to give) and resolve them in an amicable way. Being able to say no, but in a constructive, honest way, has left me feeling better and helped to maintain good relationships with friends, colleagues, family even. I don't ruminate on much these days because most things are resolved close to the time they occur. Again, my happiness is not solely dependent on one other person.

 

When we enter into a relationship with someone from this state, we do so freely and because we want to for the right reasons - because we like it - rather than because we need to, and that is a great basis from which to start a relationship. Being able to know that, if all else fails, we can walk away from the relationship means we're actually in a better position to stay the distance with it, to work together on difficulties freely and honestly, and to enjoy it.

 

Work like you don't need the money

Dance like no-one is looking

Love like you've never been hurt

[rebeccajones]

I like your post betterdeal! Real nice!

[betterdeal]

I thangyew

Edited April 15, 2011 by betterdeal

[1784]

Great post, betterdeal. Seriously. Well thought out, sensical and concise.