Are my insecurities/reactions justified here???

[MRevolver]

I'm not even sure where to begin. Me and the 'recovering' commitment phobe have been seeing each other for 5 months now. Things have been going well and it seemed liked we were making good (albeit slow) progress but the other day we got into our first major blowout.

 

Basically he and I were out with a group of friends and well, his ex was there too (she also has friends in the same group). Thing is I'm used to this and normally it's not that big a deal...or at least I try not to make it an issue. But this time as he and I were talking in a corner to ourselves, she blatantly yelled at him from across the room to ask a question. He in turn yelled back a reply and rather than leaving it at that, he in turn walked over to her and just kinda left me standing there basically holding up a wall . To make matters worse he stayed there talking to her for the remaining time we were at the place! Granted this was only for a few minutes to be sure but still the whole event just went through me like a knife. Mainly because 1) this was in front of several of our friends so it was fairly humiliating. And 2) this ex of his has voiced that she is still very much interested in him. And not only that but has for a fact, come between him and some of his past flames before as well.

 

So that evening when he contacted me to figure out why I hadn't returned his call earlier I told him that I was really upset about what he did. And to make a long story short, he said he "could see where I was coming from in some ways" but felt I was making a huge deal out of nothing because I should be confident in knowing that he's not interested in her. He also said that he would have done the same thing had it been anyone else and he felt I was just upset because it was in fact, her. I told him that maybe that was true but I just did not trust her motives when it came to him regardless of how innocent her conversation seemed, etc. He then said that he felt my reaction was immature and that he was upset because he knew I was so mad at him. And we basically left it at that.

 

The next day he texted me some but there was still quite a bit of tension. And so far today I haven't heard anything from him yet.

 

Deep down I know that maybe I overreacted a little with this situation but this guy and I still have yet to establish an actual relationship. We are both completely monogamous but he has yet to put a title on anything. We talk on it (normally me initiating and him agreeing we should) but then nothing ever happens. He also has yet to put a single photo of us or anything up on Facebook. And yeah I know it's Facebook but thing is, he put up pictures of him and this same girl when they were dating...for which he still has them up!! This guy takes me to the family reunions, his friends know about me and I'm never introduced as just a 'friend' when I meet them, but somewhere inside, I just feel like something isn't quite right here.

 

So I guess my question is, did I overreact?? Or are my strange feelings justified? Any advice would be helpful because I REALLY REALLY like this guy but I'm so afraid I'm gonna get hurt here that it's starting to consume me. He claims he's the same way- and that he's got just as much invested but I just don't know. He updated his Facebook status the other day to say he was listening to the song "you mean so much to me" and I thought maybe that was his way of telling me how he feels but then again who knows?? I just don't want to make any rash decisions. Advice??

Edited April 12, 2011 by MRevolver

[KatieB]

Hi there, I feel very much for you in this situation, the dreaded ex is never easy to deal with as I have found out! In this situation you were justified in feeling the way you do as it was kind of disrespectful of him, especially since his ex is clearly still interested in him, and to do it in front of friends must have made it feel so much worse. I would say keep an eye on this situation if you say he's a commitment phobe.

 

The fact that he is still yet to establish the relationship, and has no pictures of you while still having pictures of another girl on his FB is also a red flag and indicates that he is not taking you very seriously at the moment. My bf still has countless pictures of he and his ex together on fb, and none of us, and it also bothers me so I know how that feels. You say fb isnt that big of a deal but it kind of is in a way, its where people share everything about themselves and its where many people present the most important parts of thier lives to friends and family, and its a big part of a lot of peoples lives now (even though it totally shouldnt be!)

 

So with all this added together I would say yes, your reactions are justified, but don't let those feelings get too out of hand and eat you up.

 

I hope some of what I said has been helpful though I fear I may just be babbling Good luck with your situation

 

Katie

[MRevolver]

Hi there, I feel very much for you in this situation, the dreaded ex is never easy to deal with as I have found out! In this situation you were justified in feeling the way you do as it was kind of disrespectful of him, especially since his ex is clearly still interested in him, and to do it in front of friends must have made it feel so much worse. I would say keep an eye on this situation if you say he's a commitment phobe.

 

The fact that he is still yet to establish the relationship, and has no pictures of you while still having pictures of another girl on his FB is also a red flag and indicates that he is not taking you very seriously at the moment. My bf still has countless pictures of he and his ex together on fb, and none of us, and it also bothers me so I know how that feels. You say fb isnt that big of a deal but it kind of is in a way, its where people share everything about themselves and its where many people present the most important parts of thier lives to friends and family, and its a big part of a lot of peoples lives now (even though it totally shouldnt be!)

 

So with all this added together I would say yes, your reactions are justified, but don't let those feelings get too out of hand and eat you up.

 

I hope some of what I said has been helpful though I fear I may just be babbling Good luck with your situation

 

Katie

 

 

Thanks so much for the reply Katie! The Facebook thing didn't really bother me at first but the more I looked at it, I just got bothered. I mean he's got pics on there of him and the ex (thankfully only like 2 but still...) and with some of his female friends from school, etc but NONE of us together. But like I said, I find this odd because they pretty much all know about me so why not just put them up??

 

Either way I finally messaged him a little bit ago since I hadn't heard from him...and sadly there's still tension. So I don't know. I hate to think that me sticking up for myself is gonna cause this whole thing to fall apart but then again if he gives it up so easy, was he really that serious about it to begin with?? He said he feels like I just 'flip out on him monthly' but I explained to him it's because he tends to do things that hurt and not even realize it. We've always been able to talk about it and move forward but this fuss we had the other day was by far the biggest and the worst. So I don't know. He was upset the other night but the way he talked I felt like things would be fine and we could work it out. But seeing as he's become distance these last 2 days makes me wonder. Granted I didn't think we would be acting like nothing happened but I didn't expect this much distance either. I guess we'll see...!

 

I hope things go better with you and your bf as well! Hang in there!

Edited April 13, 2011 by MRevolver

[KatieB]

Wow I'm having exactly the same problem at the moment! A few nights ago decided to say something and tell him what was bothering me and I was also accused of "flipping out" and it made me feel terrible because I don't! It really does feel like sticking up for myself is causing tension as he doesn't like to be called up on things he does. Things are still tese today and I'm refusing to beleive that its my fault, even though he's trying to make it seem like it is.

 

I totally know how you feel about the facebook thing, I wasn't botherd at first either, but then I looked more and realised how many he had, and the fact that he actually showed me some of them, and I keep finding him looking through them regularly really annoys me.

 

Are we fools? I wonder sometimes whether or not its worth it. I think we're so much better than this! We shouldn't let guys take over our lives, it just makes us miserable They're not even worth it. I know its hard to come to terms with when you're in love with someone but sometimes we just have to take a big step back and assess the situation, its what I'm doing now, my bf doesn't like it but he can sulk all he likes, he's the cause of most of it after all! If your bf can't deal with you telling him how you feel then maybe he just isnt mature enough for you.

 

Katie

[Eeyore79]

It's extremely odd if he still has photos of his ex on Facebook; when a relationship ends the decent thing is to remove such photos, especially before starting a new relationship. I also don't like the part where he still hangs out with his ex and expects you to hang out with her too! He clearly hasn't let go of that relationship enough for him to move on to having a relationship with you. I would take these things as huge red flags, and would probably consider ending the relationship and moving on to someone who isn't still attached to an ex.

[MRevolver]

It's extremely odd if he still has photos of his ex on Facebook; when a relationship ends the decent thing is to remove such photos, especially before starting a new relationship. I also don't like the part where he still hangs out with his ex and expects you to hang out with her too! He clearly hasn't let go of that relationship enough for him to move on to having a relationship with you. I would take these things as huge red flags, and would probably consider ending the relationship and moving on to someone who isn't still attached to an ex.

 

Thanks for the reply Eeyore79! I do need to clarify a few things though.

He actually doesn't expect me to hang out with the ex but it's just we all have mutual friends. Her sister is actually one of my closest friends ironically enough so she tends to just kinda be around us at times anyways. But normally you know, we'll just say a small hi and just move on but this time there was like full on conversation where I felt he just left me hanging. Which was odd.

As for the FB pics I actually asked him about them 1 time and he basically said he felt where we were all still friendly for the most part, it wasn't unusual to leave them up. And I could have almost accepted that...had he put at least something up of me.

 

As for a general update. He's still continued to contact me via messaging and like text but still no actual phone conversation. So that's a bit bothersome. I don't know if he's actually trying to distance himself because he feels it's over/ending or it's just guilt and he's being passive-aggressive. Due to our schedules for work, etc. we won't actually see each other till this weekend and at this rate I'm almost dreading it. Any suggestions on how to handle when we do see each other?? I've tried to be polite when we msg each other to show I'm not dwelling on things but he just seems like he's 'shutting off' at this point. Ugh

[Professor X]

Thanks for the reply Eeyore79! I do need to clarify a few things though.

He actually doesn't expect me to hang out with the ex but it's just we all have mutual friends. Her sister is actually one of my closest friends ironically enough so she tends to just kinda be around us at times anyways. But normally you know, we'll just say a small hi and just move on but this time there was like full on conversation where I felt he just left me hanging. Which was odd.

As for the FB pics I actually asked him about them 1 time and he basically said he felt where we were all still friendly for the most part, it wasn't unusual to leave them up. And I could have almost accepted that...had he put at least something up of me.

 

As for a general update. He's still continued to contact me via messaging and like text but still no actual phone conversation. So that's a bit bothersome. I don't know if he's actually trying to distance himself because he feels it's over/ending or it's just guilt and he's being passive-aggressive. Due to our schedules for work, etc. we won't actually see each other till this weekend and at this rate I'm almost dreading it. Any suggestions on how to handle when we do see each other?? I've tried to be polite when we msg each other to show I'm not dwelling on things but he just seems like he's 'shutting off' at this point. Ugh

 

Hey MRevolver! I couldn't ignore the fact that it seems and feels like you're in a 1 sided relationship.

I think the problem lies within the fact that you see the 2 of you as a couple while he does not.

Maybe he sees you more as friends with benefits? Hench why he doesn't, for example, changes his status on FB or adds pictures, etc..

And then comes the ex' factor Where he still dwells in the past and hangs with his ex' so much, after all, they have seen each other naked (?) and have had/still have feeling to one another, and it can never be good.

 

If he's shutting off, all I can say is, that it's not the end of the world, maybe you better off finding some other guy who does not dwell in the past, one that looks into the future with both you and him there.

=)

[MRevolver]

Hey MRevolver! I couldn't ignore the fact that it seems and feels like you're in a 1 sided relationship.

I think the problem lies within the fact that you see the 2 of you as a couple while he does not.

Maybe he sees you more as friends with benefits? Hench why he doesn't, for example, changes his status on FB or adds pictures, etc..

And then comes the ex' factor Where he still dwells in the past and hangs with his ex' so much, after all, they have seen each other naked (?) and have had/still have feeling to one another, and it can never be good.

 

If he's shutting off, all I can say is, that it's not the end of the world, maybe you better off finding some other guy who does not dwell in the past, one that looks into the future with both you and him there.

=)

 

You know I think you're on to something. But I know it's not the friends with benefits thing because neither of us are sexually active at this time. He also never had sex with the ex. But even with that I still think that maybe deep down he hasn't fully come as far in wanting a relationship as he thought he had. And thus the relationship is indeed winding up 1 sided. I think I've maybe still been seeing us as a couple because I mean that's what we've been doing just without a title but at the same time, perhaps he still really hasn't. And I guess I should have just listened when he first warned me about his problems committing but call it rose colored glasses I guess. I always knew that we had been attracted to each other for a very long time so I guess I figured seeing as we both finally went for it, everything would just fall into place. *sigh* But as the smoke clears I guess I'm seeing the truth of the matter. Which is that he still just isn't ready for anything serious/emotionally mature.

[Professor X]

Well, to address your frustration from before, all I can ask you:

Is the juice worth the squeeze?

In other words, is you being frustrated and consumed as a result of his inactions and his inability to commit to you worth staying in the relationship? This is something you need to discuss with yourself I think.

Perhaps letting go for the time being is best, until he's ready or perhaps staying by his side is worth it despite the pain it involves?

 

Good luck! =)

[Eeyore79]

He actually doesn't expect me to hang out with the ex but it's just we all have mutual friends. Her sister is actually one of my closest friends ironically enough so she tends to just kinda be around us at times anyways.

I would always be wary of dating someone whose ex was involved with us in some way, whether as a friend of a friend, or someone he maintains contact with, etc. I much prefer an anonymous ex who I'll never meet; everything is so much easier that way. If the relationship is to have any chance I think you need to distance yourself from his ex and also from any mutual friends. An ideal situation would be if neither of you ever see her again.

[hoping2heal]

Of course you are going to get hurt, he is comittmentphobe. That was your first indication that at the end of day, you end up hurt. Now, no matter how "small" anytime an ex gets in between a current RS partner it is hurtful. You have mentioned that A. She very much is still interested in him and B. She has come between previous exes. The only one immature here, is him if he really is not self aware enough to know that's a no-no. He gladly takes your time and your effort, but he won't agree to being any sense of stability for you.

[MRevolver]

So we wound up meeting up on last night and had a very honest talk about everything from beginning to end: his insecurities, my insecurities...it all came out. And basically, he cares a great deal about me but realizes he's still "scared" and just not ready mentally or emotionally to have a full blown relationship like he thought he was (his words). He also said he hated it more than anything because I'm such a wonderful person and we have so much fun together, etc., but that he was just "a mess right now" (trying to balance his new career and where he wants things to go with that) and realizes at this time he just can't pursue things with me 100% like he'd like to. He then said he felt like a huge letdown and hoped I didn't hate him. So needless to say, it was rough night. He cried. I cried. It was all just very emotional but I know in my heart he was being honest.

Thus, a very bittersweet ending for me and I'm completely convinced I've already went through at least 1 box of Kleenex and 1/2 a roll of paper towels but at least I know he DID/DOES actually care and wanted things to work out. Timing was just off I guess.

Edited April 16, 2011 by MRevolver

[Professor X]

I'm glad to hear you got this out of your way!

 

Here's a bunny !

 

Good luck =)

[Eeyore79]

If you genuinely care about someone, you want to be with them no matter what. When you're really into someone there's no such thing as "I'm not ready", I'm too busy" - you jump at the chance to be with them.

 

Your ex has used the tactic of making you feel sorry for him in order to let you down gently - the old "it's not you, it's me" trick. I've done it myself in the past; I haven't got the guts to dump someone, so I cry and say "This is so hard for me, it totally isn't your fault, you're so great", and he's convinced that I'm heartbroken about the breakup, so he feels better about it. Then as soon as he leaves, I turn off the tears and breathe a big sigh of relief that he's gone, and immediately start dating someone else (though I just claimed I didn't have time and wasn't ready for a relationship).

 

Please stop crying about him: He didn't want to date you, so he dumped you, and therefore he doesn't deserve your tears. He probably isn't half as upset as he pretended to be, and will be dating someone else in five minutes time - probably the ex-gf you posted about earlier.

[Kelemort]

More reasons why I'll never again be with a man who has contact with his ex at all, unless they have kids, and even then contact needs to be limited to just the kids. Thankfully his ex lived several hundred miles away, so I never had to see that disaster - but I sure enough did see all of the messages between them, her picture, etc. Fun times.

[KatieB]

Hi I'm sorry things didn't work out for you, but I'm glad you're finally out of that toxic relationship because having a boyfriend who is still in love with his ex can certainly kill a relationship.

 

I sincerely hope he doesn't get back with his ex though! Its one of my biggest fears regarding my own relationship, and I can only imagine how that would feel after having to deal with her throughout the relationship, only for him to leave you for him! I really hope that doesn't happen, for his own sake and yours.

 

I hope you find a guy who can treat you right and give you what you deserve I'm sure you will, and one day this whole fiasco will be a memory that will bring a laugh instead of tears.

 

I came close to ending it with my own boyfriend over this, but luckily we talked it out and its ok now.

 

I guess the lesson we should take from this is that a persons ex should be in the past, not the present, and if you have any doubts whatsoever then you should talk to you partner about it sooner rather than later, before you get too emotionally invested

 

Best of luck with the future, MRevolver

 

Katie